Life Of Michelle K

[Michelle_K]

Back in the 1990s, there wasn't much for restroom regulations. I think part of the transgender program was that you had to live as the opposite gender for a year including using the restroom.
 Where I worked it was decided that as long as I had male parts, I was not allowed to use the women's restroom. If I had any problems with the restroom in the production area, I could use the restroom in the front offices. The problem was that the cleaning lady worked during our shift, and put a out of service sign at the door of the office restroom the whole time even while cleaning the offices.

Unrelated was the guy who decided that the restroom should only be used during break time. When I tried to use the restroom, he would block my path and point to the machine I had been working on. I would go back to my machine without using the restroom. During break time I was busy doing other stuff, and did not use the restroom. Did I mention that I am autistic, and may not remember that I didn't use the restroom. Anyway, I did the whole 10 hour shift without using the restroom. The worst part was that I did not have any urge to use the restroom. It messed up my system.

I wasn't about to do what the mechanics and a couple of stock men did, and that was that they would go out and water the truck tires.

Then there was the time when I went to use the restroom and a mechanic was in there with his pants off. I was quickly out the door. It may have triggered a response since I had been abused as a child. To be honest, I realized that he might have spilled some cleaning liquid on himself and was washing his pants.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

About 20 years ago I had gone to a audio doctor. He told me not to bother with getting hearing aids, as they would not help me.(scaring on my ear drums.) Today I got fitted with new hearing aids, adjusted to amplify the frequencies. I could actually hear my own voice. I need to find the video with me talking, and really find out what I sound like. I didn't know the keys on my computer keyboard actually click.
Driving home I could finally understand the words of the song on the radio.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I'm still learning about the hearing aids. They are connected via Bluetooth to my iPhone. I can answer the phone through the hearing aids, but I need to get used to that. The first call I missed due to not finding the button on the hearing aid, most likely a spam call. This morning I missed a call due to my hearing aids being on the charger and not hearing it ring. Mostly the calls are spam calls, this time of year being for medicare advanced plans. I also get calls that are computer generated for VA appointments.

Looking at the instructions, they could be connected via Bluetooth to the tv using an adapter. The same should be true with the desk computer, though a lap top possible would connect directly.
I need to more research to see if I could connect to a video game console. I think a game console had a problem with game sounds only going over the speakers and communication with other players going over the headphones through the game controller.

I'm still thinking I can get audio notifications for taking pills and for appointments through the phone.
Michelle.

[Lori Dee]

Mine are like that too. Anything that is Bluetooth (TV, phone, etc. can be paired to the hearing aids. I stopped doing that because I was constantly getting beeped from text messages, emails, Facebook updates, Windows notifications, etc. It was too much and very distracting when I was driving. Now I just use them like hearing aids, not connected to anything except my ears.

[Michelle_K]

It happened again, VA insists that it is an endocrinologist, and be a specialist in gender care. less than a week until my appointment and it has been canceled. This hospital no longer has endocrinologists that provides such service, although they have gynecologists that can provide the service.

A question was asked why a trans-female would need to have a gynecologist. The answer is simple, a doctor that is a specialist in the female body would know what to expect with a body on female hormones. such doctor should also know what the levels should be after the patient goes through menopause, and can prescribe the proper doses.

This time we will try the university of Minnesota gender health clinic. Looking at the map, it looks like somebody took a few freeways and tied them into knots. Then I have to figure out which lane I need to be in to get to where I am going.
The last time I had driven near that area I was unaware the the highway number had changed shortly before I went onto the freeway. On my way back I missed my turn as I was looking for the wrong number.

First I need to find out if they will accept the referral, and give my an appointment.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I can't help but think I have been doing this all wrong. I'm trying to go through the VA, and have now had 2 appointments cancelled. I live in a state that has implied consent, all I need is a video consultation with someone from from planned parenthood, and I would have my prescription for estradiol. Another route would be through medicare, and from what I can tell, the generic form through good RX would be about $25.00.

Expecting to finally have my prescription, I allowed my herbal medicines to run out.
Michelle

[Lori Dee]

I can't help but think I have been doing this all wrong. I'm trying to go through the VA, and have now had 2 appointments cancelled. I live in a state that has implied consent, all I need is a video consultation with someone from from planned parenthood, and I would have my prescription for estradiol. Another route would be through medicare, and from what I can tell, the generic form through good RX would be about $25.00.

Expecting to finally have my prescription, I allowed my herbal medicines to run out.
Michelle

I find that very confusing. My first prescription I got after a video consult with Minneapolis. I don't understand why you haven't been able to get appointments. Even if the Endocrinologist were to die, they should be sending you to one in the community, or even in their Women's Health Clinic. Mine are monitored and prescribed by a Gynecologist, not an Endocrinologist. Technically, your Primary doctor could do it, but the VA prefers providers "stay in their lane" when it comes to Specialty Care.

I would contact the LGBTQ Care Coordinator about this. If you can't get hold of them, contact the Patient Advocate and let them know what is going on. Somebody needs to light a fire under those people and get things moving for you.

It's good that you stopped the herbals. They do more harm than good when it comes to hormones.

[Michelle_K]

The VA cancelled the last appointment because she was not an endocrinologist. CentraCare had assigned this doctor. She was not on the VA approved list.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

What did she say, self loathing gets in the way of feeling gender dysphoria. I don't know if that is the proper wording. It is like watching the boy pick up the hay bale and toss it onto a wagon, and have anger at yourself because you can barely lift the bale off the ground. It doesn't help that you get yelled at when you don't have the strength to lift the hay bale.

The same as it is my fault that I failed my drivers test, when when my dad decided that he would not pay for drivers training. Expecting me to pass the drivers test without any experience driving on the road.

It was interesting that I could clean barn two days in a row so that I was not cleaning barn on Christmas, but never at any other time would it be allowed. So on New Years day, I was out there cleaning barn, alone. Should I assume my dad was watching the New Years Parade on tv while I was cleaning barn.

It was his word that his fingers were smashed while putting the drive belt onto the thrashing machine, and now he could not do any work. When he found out about the person getting their fingers in the clothes wringer, blamed me for it. That caused nightmares for me. The nightmare was that I was cranking the clothes wringer while fingers were going... This was practically every night. I was about ready to go apologize to my cousin for smashing his fingers. Wondering if it really happened. Finally the realization that my carpel tunnel was due to the fact that it was my fingers that went through the wringer. There was no physical evidence that my fingers went into the wringer, so it could be denied that it ever happened.

It was interesting that my dad's dad lost his fingers in an accident. My dad's fingers were smashed, but any claim by me is a mockery.
My mother made the comment that she did not know who got their fingers smashed, but it definitely was not me. To admit that it was me, would be to admit that I was helping my grandmother wash clothes.

For my mother to deny that my fingers were smashed, she can deny that I was helping my grandmother.
deny that I swept the floors or washed the dishes.
Even though there are photos, she can deny that she put dresses on me, she can deny that I had a big doll, and deny that I had a doll house. Basically deny that there was anything feminine about me when I was a child.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

My dad bought me my first car, even though I didn't have a driver's license. My sisters did not know that I had to pay him for the car. Since I was not old enough to own a car, my mother's name was also put on the title. The car needed a little bit of repair work, and I would get no help. The interesting thing was he never needed my permission to drive my car, and I think he had a set of keys for it.

When my sister got old enough, my dad bought her a van. The van needed a lot of work, since it had come from a junkyard. Again he was unable to do the work due to his hand, and I was told to do the work.

To clarify, My dad was unable to do any work because his hand had been smashed, but he had no problem riding a mini bike around the yard.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

20-30 years ago gets a bit difficult to remember. It would have been the early years of the internet. I was looking for someplace that would be able to take care of my gender problems. If I am remembering right, I found a place on the map that was called U. of MN. gender clinic. The very idea that it has taken 30 years to get there. Mostly due to the fact that certain people felt they had to knock me down all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if it was something I said that I got into the therapy sessions for panic attacks to control it through the use of meditation instead of medication.

I think it was last spring when someone at the senior center stated that there were a lot of people that left the St. Cloud VA due to dissatisfaction. This is my first year going to the VA and never got the female hormones in the past so I have no idea how things are supposed to go.

I may still be in the past where I need to live as a female for a year before I can get the female hormones.
Michelle

Almost forgot, I have an appointment at the Fairview (U. of MN.)gender clinic before the end of the year.

[Michelle_K]

30 years ago, or somewhere around there. I go to see my therapist, and there is another person there. I get asked about masturbation, and give my answer. I am then told that it is proof that I love being a male, and I am not transsexual. Not once was there any discussion about it. I did this to avoid waking up during the night with a sticky mess in my pants. besides it was a large clit.
At this point it would not have done any good to find a different therapist, as it was now in my record that I was not a transsexual.

Part of the program was to live as the opposite gender for a year, including the use of the rest room. The therapist would get a report from the employer after the year to find out if the requirements were followed. The employer was under no obligation to allow the use of the opposite gender rest room. Since I was not in the program, I was not under any requirements. I did not need the permission of a therapist to wear women's clothes. And the employer did not give me permission to use the women's rest room.

There had been some discussion as to what would pass as being clothing of the opposite gender. Wondering if wearing jeans would do or if a skirt would be required. In my case, I was wearing women's jeans and shirt, and women's athletic shoes. Properly dressed to drive a forklift.

I sometimes wonder if my mother was intentionally trying to make me a sissy boy. The idea being to punish me for being a boy by putting dresses on me. Her dad makes her angry, and I get called a girl (housewife). But there is a mystery, and that is that my body took a female shape, when my birth certificate says male.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

It says angling, year 2000. I think that was the last time I bought a fishing license. I gave up on fishing. I would catch fish and bring them home and clean them. while I was gone, my mother made a big kettle of stew. I would eat the stew and the fish got put in the refrigerator. Before I got up in the morning, my mother would toss the fish out to the cats, and tell me that the fish had spoiled overnight. In that respect, the act of fishing became a waste of time.
The river was not quite close enough to cast a line from our porch, but we would have people fishing from the bridge. I did not like the idea that my mother would accept fish from someone fishing and then days later the fish had to be dumped.

I think she once said something about the bad smell from cooking any meat other than the basic beef, pork, chicken or turkey. Canned fish such as tuna was ok in a tuna hot dish. There again, hunting would be a waste of time, and I am discouraged from hunting.
I think after my dad died, there was no more venison on our table. My mother would have no reason to cook any more venison.
I keep thinking about the last time we gathered any maple syrup. I expected to have maple syrup on pancakes and found out after cooking down the syrup, my mother gave it all away to her brothers and sisters. I'm guessing that she did not like the taste of the maple syrup.
Michelle

Edit: This morning I remembered the fish sticks and fish fillets. Also that they came from the freezer in the store, and were just put into the oven to bake.

[Michelle_K]

Trying to remember what I wanted to write. I can put it two different ways.
1. only girls can be left handed.
2. none of my mother's children will be left handed.

My cousin who was a girl, was left handed. That in itself could be a problem, if I learned how to do things from her. More likely was the fact that my left eye was the dominant eye, and that led to my left hand being my dominant hand. Being descended from the English, my mother decided that we must use the proper etiquette.
Not only must I use the proper hand, but I must also use the proper utensil, and hold it properly. And if I wasn't sitting properly, my hair got yanked to make me sit properly. As for eating, as long as the knife remained in my right hand, I could eat with my left. I am capable of eating with my right hand and cutting my meat with my left.
I was also forced to learn to write with my write hand. (just to show the confusion between write and right.) Just to add more confusion, put right as opposed to wrong.

The thing is when I get to 7th grade at the church school, there is a boy there that writes with his left hand.
Michelle

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi Michelle,


Merry Christmas!


Chrissy

[Michelle_K]

I was kind of listening to a you tube video. I was reminded of a class reunion, where one woman told me how her husband waited for her to get old enough to marry. The video was kind of suggesting that was still a case of the older man influencing a younger girl.
It would be the same as the 25 year old man using his elder status to SA a 4 year old girl, even though it was a boy in a dress. Mother denying she put a dress on her boy, is in effect denying the SA.

I remember one time in grade school, I was using the urinal, and the boy behind me put his hands on my shoulders and spun me around. I don't remember what happened after that, but I suspect that he got peed on. That was the beginning of having dread in the boy's rest room, which carried over into when I became an adult in the men's rest room.

In high school, after phys-ed class, one boy had his expensive watch stolen. We were all lined up along the wall while the coach frisked each of us to find the watch. The watch was not found, and we would remain until the watch was recovered. We were there until the accuser found the watch in his own pocket. I don't remember if there were any apologies.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff. One being the pain in my side while growing up. My dad says he doesn't feel anything and I should get back to work. I had an appendectomy while in the army. I was told that it ruptured while I was on the operating table. Any bets that the pain in my side as a child was my appendix.

Living in Minnesota, part of my chores was to use a ice chisel to make holes in the river to water the cows in the winter. One day I slipped and the chisel went through my boot. I finished with my chores before going for first aid. My dad accused me of injuring myself to get out of doing chores. Never did see a doctor about it.
Chopping all those holes in the ice on the river, and never had time for fishing.

For some reason, it seems my dad got the idea that the older child will try to kill the younger child out of jealousy. According to my understanding, the difference in our ages would trigger a protector relationship, and she could also be considered a first born. The one born between us actually had a birth defect and she got pneumonia. Being born in the house on the farm in December, it would take a lot of effort to get her to the hospital. I don't know if my dad blamed her death on a 2 year old not getting a jacket on fast enough. Or maybe a wish that it had been the other way around.
 You may have heard of a younger child trying to meet the standards set by an older child that had died. This is a bit different, it is speculation. If she would have lived, she would have gotten A grades in school, so there is no reason that you can not get A grades.

Speaking of school, my dad was one of those that walked to school, uphill both ways in a blizzard. My dad failed to mention that the school was 3/4 of a mile from where he lived. My brother thought he walked the 5 miles to town.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I was over 21 when I moved out and was living with a friend. My mother insisted that I move back home. Growing up it was apparent that you obeyed or got punished. Once I was back home, she convinced me that they were not my friends and going there was a waste of time. I can speculate that she did not approve of me living with a guy. And she just might have come to get me and grab me by the hair to get me to obey. We can't have the appearance of sinning, with 2 guys living together. And it is also a sin for a male to wear female clothes. And for that, I get my face slapped.
 But it is ok for me to drive my sister 50 miles to visit my cousins husband, the result of being the live in baby sitter. In fact my dad cosigned the loan, or gave him a loan for him to buy some land when they got married. Another sister slept with her boyfriend at our house, and made some joke about wanting to get into her pants and was wearing them.

What I am getting at is it seems that my mother decided she needed to control me to prevent me from sinning by being trans female. But my siblings were rewarded for their extra marital sex. I even had to drive my mother to visit her boyfriend and then get woke up in the morning hearing them showering together. Because she has me drive this every weekend, I have no time for myself.
This is a case of choosing which commandments are not to be broken.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

This is going to be rough. I will be driving into the twin cities on one freeway and change freeways twice. Then I need to get off the freeway and change streets. When I get done with my appointment, I need to figure out how to get back home. And do all this without a navigator.

One time I was at a place in the cities for a party. When we left, my mother said turn right. We took the long way home. Later it was mentioned that I made a wrong turn leaving, and my mother said something about me not listening to her. Later to me she said we went out the wrong exit. I wonder if it was on purpose so that everyone would see me turn in the wrong direction.

I could go on, putting in a new bathroom, she told me that she did not want running water in the bathroom sink. When someone mentioned the lack of running water, she said someone got lazy and didn't finish the job.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I've been finding some ->-bleeped-<- posts in the you tube videos. The you tube channel analyzes the post. reminded me of some of the things I went through. After saying I thought I was allergic to milk, my mother stated that because I grew up on a dairy farm, it was not possible for me to be allergic to milk. She then hands me a dish of ice cream telling me to eat it. I also grew up with a threat of being punished for not eating what was put in front of me. There are times when a parent sets out to prove that the allergy does not exist by feeding food that has the allergen.
My brother-in-law once corrected me, that it was only a lactose intolerance. Guess what, now that he is having problems, he says allergy.
Breaking both wrists, I decided to drink milk again. I have no problems, but I insist on milk from pasture raised cows.

The videos are mostly about mother's day, and I will not celebrate mother's day. Simply put, my dad went for a boat trip on the river on mother's day back in 1979. His body was found 13 days later.
#2, I see no reason to celebrate a woman who abuses her male children.
Michelle.