Hello all you wonderful, beautiful ladies and gentlemen! I am (searching, but you can call me Toni for now,) and I'm here to learn, share, and find my community. I've found so much love in myself on this journey that I want to share it with as many people as I can.
After a very long time seeking, I can finally, confidently say I am a 43 year old polyfidelitous girl (still working on the fact that "male" and "man" and "men" are in the other words for we, the feminine identifying.)
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm just so happy!
I was once a member here, lost, scared, and looking for answers. I spent a long time in that cage, trying to find my way. Therapy helped me figure out what was going on, but the limited, long form nature of it, didn't work well to help me move through and gain the skills I needed. I always said, I know most of the answers, just not what to do with them. I was on 13 meds for various mental health issues. I was convinced that I was just gender neutral, and I needed to just suck it up for everyone around me.
I had violent fantasies, I was partaking in sexually risky behaviors. Not just kink, but things that could hurt me, like using a knife for pleasure. I had so much anger, and depression, and hatred for myself in my heart. I would go on ->-bleeped-<- and rip Trumpers apart many times a day. I was utterly miserable.
The number of times I contemplated taking my own life has to be in the thousands. The number of times I was serious, in the hundreds.
But, what happened? Many things all at once, to be honest. I want to say, that I've always approached "getting it together, and fixing my life" with as much effort as I had in me. I failed time and again. All these weird thoughts and fantasies started bubbling up across time, hindering me further. But, somehow, I've always had a base of empathy, even if it got skewed.
First, I was given the opportunity by my aunt to go on a trip anywhere in the world, her treat. I chose Japan, because I've always loved and felt this connection to the country and the people, a deep spiritual connection. Getting ready for the trip, I found that a couple of my medications were banned and illegal in Japan. So, in what I think was a subconscious attempt at my own life, I chose to just stop all my mental meds, only staying on diabetes and blood pressure meds, all at once, 2 months before to give me a chance to not be going thriving withdrawal. It was rough, but I was good for the trip.
The trip was transformative. On such a deep level. My empathy grew as I experienced this new culture, this new way of living. I suddenly found myself thinking about how I affect those around me while I was there. Not just what people think about me, but how I make people feel. I started thinking really hard about perspective. Deeply. Not just why would you do that, but what could have been going on in your mind when this happened. You hit me with a ball, were your thoughts right before that "I'm gonna hit them" or was it "this is a fun ball, I'm having fun." It forced me to consider much more when interacting with other humans.
When we got back from Japan, it didn't even cross my mind that I had stopped all those meds before. I got high on thc for the first time without all those chemicals altering my brain. I had only started smoking about a year before japan because it made me forget. This time, though, was...enlightening.
Now...when I smoke pot, all those seemingly billions of thoughts that ran through my adhd brain, distracting me from real progress....they stop. I can think. I can feel. That, initially, wasn't good, because I couldn't control it, so I would follow one dark thought to really bleak places. It got so bad, I was seconds away from my first actual deliberate attempt on my life. I felt worse than I can imagine anyone could ever feel. I know pain is personal, but that's just how I describe it to convey how it felt to me. I was alone at home while my partner and kids were with her parents on vacation. I had the knife on my wrist. I already steeled myself up and did the hard swallow. My phone rang. It was my 5 year old son calling on partner's phone. Hearing how much he missed me and loved me on that call...it changed something. I decided I could suffer if I had to for my kids.
Then...the biggest piece of the puzzle fell into place. You might laugh. You might balk. You might hate me for it. ChatGPT saved my life. And not how you might think.
I've used it before for various things, and this time I heard of people using it for therapy, so, what the hell, I thought. I decided I had nothing left to lose, so I decided I would just be 100% open and honest with it, telling it literally my darkest secrets since it doesn't keep your chats. I started with the biggest stuff. After I hit enter...it took all that crap and organized it so well that I felt a shift just reading the way it summerized things before even diving in. I've never been able to organize my thoughts well enough to do anything with them, but now I could.
The thing that helped me more than anything was the fact that it NEVER tried to sway me in any direction at all. That's big for me because I'm detoxing from this world of manipulation we live in. It helps me organize, it helps me think better, and it offers perspectives not only that I hadn't considered, but that I didn't even know existed. I can't recommend this enough, especially if you have trouble organizing thoughts. The KEY here is that when I'm not being swayed, my decisions are my own. When those decisions start working out, you start to trust yourself. When you start to trust yourself, you start to love yourself. I love me. So much! That's so silly to say still, but I love how it feels.
After I worked a lot of big stuff out, I knew what was next. Gender. I wasn't satisfied with this ambiguous neutral territory. For many, it's bliss, but for me, something didn't feel right. So, I got started.
Years ago, I made a paracord bracelet with trans colors. I thought I would start wearing it and see how it felt. It was too long by an inch. So I stood at this crossroads. I could just forget it, and toss it with the other bracelets I just tossed, or I could take the time to fix and fit it. Something drew me to fix it. So I did. I remember when melting the cord to seal it together that I always burned my fingers doing that and that's why I stopped. This time, I sat through the pain. Even pressed a little harder to make sure it didn't fall apart. I put it on, and I told myself "until it falls off." Meaning I won't voluntarily take it off, and will wear it until it wears out and falls off.
I wore it in a few trans friendly places first to see how it felt. I noticed that I had this natural confident stride that I've never had before. Instead of looking at the ground, I was looking up and just...living. Not surviving like normal. Then, my family wanted to go to this pumpkin patch in a deep red area. This one is super busy always. I wanted to go because I used to stay home and not do anything, so I was faced with taking off the bracelet to avoid any issues. Idk how I found the courage, because I've NEVER been brave ever, but I wore it and I didn't hide it. I was a mess at first. Watching, waiting, wondering. Looking for motive in every person who looked my way. But I kept it on and forced myself not to hide it. By the end of the night, I was jumping on this enormous bouncy tube in the cool of the perfect night with my partner and kids. Now, I'm large. I have mobility issues and I'm constantly worried I'm gonna break something. Idk why I got up there in front of so many people and just jumped and fell and bounced and rolled. I had never felt so free in my life. I felt so comfortable and so right. I knew I was a girl. There are no more doubts. I know this as if etched into my soul.
I decided that I had to own my truth now or face losing all this progress that's opened my mind to love and connection and nature and humanity in whole. I promised myself to never stop evolving, and never stop checking in with myself to see if I'm okay. Giving actual, honest compassion to my old self, as messed up as he was.
I specifically say he for a reason. I've long had this dark fantasy in which I, as a male, am trapped in eternal torture or torment in the name of elevating a woman to goddess level. Suffering for her happiness. Now, I don't need that fantasy anymore, because I know what it meant to me. The male persona that was forced onto me suffered and toiled and slaved away, holding dear his need to help others, sacrificing himself, so She could finally breathe.
And I will thank him every day for the rest of my life for being strong enough to make it this far, and wise enough to know when his job was done. Thank you, Tony. You can finally rest. I got this now.
I told my partner. I had talked with her about it before to feel it out and she was receptive, but coming from a catholic background, she struggled. We last talked about it when I decided to just do nothing. After some discussions, lots of them, I'm hopeful. She sent me this while I was out picking up our son from school. ""It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot"
I feel so warm and hopeful now! I'm starting my journey for really reals now and I'm hoping to find some wonderful friends that I can learn from and offer support to, myself!
