Cis man here, accompanying my now-wife in her possible transition

[Colin]

Hi, and thanks for having me.

I'm a cisgender man in my forties, happily married to my -currently- wife since eight years. (Aside: I'm going to use she/her pronouns here, as it is still how she wishes to be addressed). She's the same age as me and we have three boys from previous marriages.

A few days ago (and since), we've had (a) long conversation(s) where she opened up to me about how she is, since a few weeks/months, questioning her gender. I did not see that coming, but there were signs. She presents quite feminine, but does not like a lot to perform femininity: she's often dressed in pants and a sweater, or not-very-gendered clothes, sometimes a long dress in summer; she hates g-strings, does not wear bras, etc.

We have a very healthy relationship and define ourselves as best friends in addition to very-much-in-love, and I'm very glad she felt safe enough to tell me about what she's going through so soon in the process. So, we talked a lot about what this means for her, for me, and for us, and so far, while we're of course, full of questions, we're optimistic about the future of our relationship.

I have so far defined myself as heterosexual as I only had heterosexual relations so far, and I have never fallen in love with a man, but I have been known to find some men hot and sexually attractive (a sentiment I share with her), and we've been having "gender-non-restrictive" sex since years using toys, so I'm not too worried about that. (I'm also not very intent on my masculinity in public, having long hair, often painted nails, and often being misgendered on the phone without being bothered by that).

I guess the thing that may be the hardest if/when she fully transitions would be never to see her body in its current form anymore, as I find her beautiful and hot; but I've tried to imagine and I imagine that she would be a very attractive man. Possibly more than Cillian Murphy ;-)

Even though it's been years that she has sometimes thought she'd have preferred being a boy, she's at the very start of a path and she doesn't know at all where it will lead - to non-binary, more androgynous, to taking hormones, to top surgery, all or some of the above, etc.

She also has been very reassuring in telling me that "If [she's] a man, [she's] definitely gay", so I am not worried this could lead to a divorce caused by my own gender.

So far, all of this has my brain thinking a lot but not in an horrible, "we'll never survive this" mode, more like "life's full of surprises and I can't wait to see where we'll be in a few years". Of course her brain is even more full of questions, so I'm trying very hard to not make it all about me, which is why I'm here now. So I can, if necessary, share my other people in my position. I don't want her to have to handle my own questions and insecurities more than necessary.

What I'm sure of is that I love this person with all of my heart, and want to be there, and don't want to be a burden, and above NOT be the reason she forbids herself to do what she needs to do.

This past week, I've seen her smile more this week than in a very long time, (and we've also been very horny); and I think that it means something.

Thanks for reading me!

[Lori Dee]

Hello Colin,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for joining the forum and for this introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. Our members come from all over the world and have many experiences. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place. You are in the right place, the Significant Others forum where you will find many who have been through what you are going through. Perhaps some of their stories can help you, too.

Clicking the HOME button will take you to a page where you can see the various sub-forums. Feel free to comment and share your experiences.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add some links here that are important for new members. Pay special attention to the links in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you can send and reply to private messages and add an avatar to your profile.

Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@Colin
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Colin.  Welcome!

I think you have a wonderful attitude, and that your wife/partner is lucky to have you and your support.

I guess the thing that may be the hardest if/when she fully transitions would be never to see her body in its current form anymore

Ah, well, that happens to all of us eventually, whether our partners transition or not.  We lose hair, we lose muscle mass, we lose elasticity, we gain fat.  The body changes, whether we choose it or not.

The fact that you love this person with all your heart will see you through whatever will come.

[Sarah B]

Hello Colin

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's clear how much love and care you have for your wife.  Your openness and support as she begins to explore her gender identity are truly admirable and it's inspiring to see how much thought you have already given to navigating this journey together.

Communication, which you have clearly demonstrated, is so important.  The conversations you've had with your wife and your willingness to share your own thoughts and feelings will be the foundation for moving forward.  It's natural to have questions and uncertainties, but your commitment to understanding and supporting her shines through.

It's wonderful to hear that she's been smiling more and that your connection remains strong, even energized.  That's such a beautiful reflection of the love and trust you share. You're already taking the right steps by seeking support and being open to the path ahead.

There is one member here who has a similar story to yours and her username is Moonflower.  I'm sure she will be able to give some perspective on her situation compared with yours.  I will let her know about you.

Susan's is a space where you can connect with others and continue building on the strength and care you have already shown.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

It was a pleasure reading your story and your presence here today is notable.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee
@Northern Star Girl
@Colin
@Moonflower

[Colin]

Hi,

Thanks you both for your kind words! @Sarah B, I'll read more in other threads and forums, and will probably participate at some point if I feel I have relevant things to add, but probably not immediately, as I know I have much to learn on everything. Even if gender and sexuality are subjects that interest me since a while, so far it was mostly theoretical, so I don't want to be an annoying idiot by asking questions I could answer by myself by putting in the effort to educate myself.

I'll possibly put more info in my profile too, at a later date, as I don't want to put too much personal info on internet before my spouse is ready for more possibly-identifying info being on the internet. I did check with her before posting here and will do the same regularly before sharing more !
Thanks
Colin

[Sarah B]

Hi Colin

Thank you for your kind words.  There is no pressure to post anything and you only reveal what you feel comfortable with, so take your time.  Remember what Lori mentioned in her welcoming post:

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

There are ways to have private chats if you so wish.  I have to remind you "there is no stupid questions", well at least around here, but then you know what I mean and it takes time to do research, hence it is much easier to ask away.

I found Susan's in 2010 and I was very cagey about revealing my personal details at the time.  I left Susan's in 2012 and continued on with my life.  However at the beginning of this year I came back and I have provided a few more details about my life.  I guess I'm mellowing in my old age!

Anyway I will leave you to it and remember when you reach 15 posts you will be able to send Private Messages (PM) to anyone here at Susan's

If you need any help just ask.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Colin

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

For the life of me when Colin mentioned "annoying questions", I thought I have to reply to this specific point.  Although he did not state, 'stupid questions'.  I did, but I was not satisfied with the answer I gave, something was bugging me about it.  However after some sleep and rereading what I wrote the proper answer or response came to mind:

"If you ask a stupid question, you get a smart answer!"

Well at least from me you do.  Take care and go forth in the world with a smile on your face and learn something new.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Colin @Lilis @Lori Dee @RidingTheTigerFEMME @Northern Star Girl @Moonflower @KathyLauren

[Colin]

Hi there,

So it seems that while the fact that I'm intellectually/consciously not worried about our future (as stated earlier) is true, oh boy do I have emotions and insecurities We fought over approximately nothing and then we talked about it less than two hours later, two hours in which I had time to spiral into a sort of anxiety attack.
Emotions are a real minefield and voicing them correctly really hard - Tried to explain that fear of being less important to her as she is to me and it sounded controlling, (and I can understand it in hindsight and I hate that fear anyway - what if it's true, i'm still important to her, that should be all that counts, etc.
Glad I already have a therapist because it feels like I'm going to go more regularly for a while  )

[Moonflower]

So far, all of this has my brain thinking a lot but not in an horrible, "we'll never survive this" mode, more like "life's full of surprises and I can't wait to see where we'll be in a few years".

Marvelous! Welcome!

I don't want her to have to handle my own questions and insecurities more than necessary.

What I'm sure of is that I love this person with all of my heart, and want to be there, and don't want to be a burden, and above NOT be the reason she forbids herself to do what she needs to do.

This past week, I've seen her smile more this week than in a very long time, (and we've also been very horny); and I think that it means something.

Thanks for reading me!

So it seems that while the fact that I'm intellectually/consciously not worried about our future (as stated earlier) is true, oh boy do I have emotions and insecurities

We're glad to support your questions and maybe transform your insecurities. You're off to a great start!

We fought over approximately nothing and then we talked about it less than two hours later, two hours in which I had time to spiral into a sort of anxiety attack.
Emotions are a real minefield and voicing them correctly really hard - Tried to explain that fear of being less important to her as she is to me and it sounded controlling, (and I can understand it in hindsight and I hate that fear anyway - what if it's true, i'm still important to her, that should be all that counts, etc.
Glad I already have a therapist because it feels like I'm going to go more regularly for a while  )

I'm familiar with anxiety attacks that occur after ridiculous arguments before we begin working together to resolve the issue (or non-issue). I'm familiar with fear of being less important. I'm catching myself when my thoughts spiral into vicious irritability, and recognize it as a sign that I'm tired and need to rest and replenish. I'm also practicing recognizing that we only FEAR Fiction. I'm recognizing that actually Everything's All Right in the current moment, which is where my power is.

[Lori Dee]

Glad I already have a therapist because it feels like I'm going to go more regularly for a while

That is a good thing. Not only are you able to rant/vent in a safe place, they can give you perspective. They can help you see the situation from another point of view, and that improves your understanding.

My poor therapist probably needs a support animal and a handful of Xanax by the end of my sessions. 

[Colin]

I'm familiar with anxiety attacks that occur after ridiculous arguments before we begin working together to resolve the issue (or non-issue). I'm familiar with fear of being less important. I'm catching myself when my thoughts spiral into vicious irritability, and recognize it as a sign that I'm tired and need to rest and replenish. I'm also practicing recognizing that we only FEAR Fiction. I'm recognizing that actually Everything's All Right in the current moment, which is where my power is.

Thank you, that makes sense

My poor therapist probably needs a support animal and a handful of Xanax by the end of my sessions. 

Yes I sometimes wonder how therapists handle their job. They spend the day soaking up everything that makes people feel bad, that must be hard.

[Lori Dee]

Yes I sometimes wonder how therapists handle their job. They spend the day soaking up everything that makes people feel bad, that must be hard.

I am a retired hypnotherapist. All good therapists have a therapist for this very reason. Psychologists see a psychologist and psychiatrists see a psychiatrist. This provides a means to "unload" what they have soaked up. It also works like a mentor relationship. In very complex cases, it helps to be able to gain insight from a mentor or colleague on the best way to treat the patient.

When I was in school, it was mandatory to have a mentor. Later, my classmate and I served as each other's mentors. He did a lot of traveling from London to Thailand, so we kept in touch via Skype.

It was he who first suggested that I might have "gender issues" and that I should meet with a therapist face to face. And now, here I am. 

[Colin]

I am a retired hypnotherapist. All good therapists have a therapist for this very reason. Psychologists see a psychologist and psychiatrists see a psychiatrist. This provides a means to "unload" what they have soaked up. It also works like a mentor relationship. In very complex cases, it helps to be able to gain insight from a mentor or colleague on the best way to treat the patient.

Thanks, I did not know that! It makes sense.

In today's good news, my partner asked her obgyn of +15 years whether she treats trans persons and the response was a yes, so with the trust already established, this is one less thing to worry about.

[Colin]

Hi there!

Thought I should maybe update this topic a bit, it's been one full month... And contrary to what we thought ("it's holiday season, with Christmas and the new year nothing will happen in december"), quite a lot happened in fact! And mostly, positive things but there have been a few tough days after my last post mentioning my insecurities and our fight.

There's been a whole week right after that where I couldn't fall asleep, spiraling in various forms of abandonment fear and not-being-important-to-her fear and so on. To the point I had to see my doc, who gave me 8 sick days and sleeping pills to damage-control the sleep deprivation.

Things go much better since I've rested and we had great holidays with the kids and we're both feeling much less stressed and safe together now. Of course life is everything but boring now, I don't think I or her had that much on our minds since ages, but even if emotions are a lot, they are in a positive way.

We've been able to clear some "practical" things out of the way; we've determined her cardiologist (she has HBT) is trans-friendly and safe, I've found a therapist who's is specialized in gender things, who will be a better support to me than my current one who's not really up-to-date with that even if it's a nice person. We have found two support groups for trans folks in our city and went to see one of them. The social worker is himself a trans person and they've discussed a lot of things in one hour and we left with my partner happy and relieved and feeling understood.

These two groups have monthly gatherings, some of them welcoming of cis partners and some of them reserved to transitioning folks, and we plan for us to go together to one and for her to go to the other. I think that'll be very nice and affirming to meet actual people sharing similar journeys to hers (and mine).

She got herself two more binders, and I got her a rather masculine sweater and a rather masculine vintage wristwatch for Christmas, both of which she loves.

At the end of january she'll meet her doc (who she knows is safe) to talk blood tests and T. We both hope that her HBT will not prevent her to get T because at this point she has determined she wants T. From things she read on forums and ->-bleeped-<-, it should not be a cause for refusing it, but it may require tighter checks to make sure her tension doesn't go through the roof.

She said to the social worker that she's not holding back anymore and wants to progress on her journey, feels like it's very important to her mental health and general wellbeing now. I understand, and in fact I'm glad: I suppose that her feeling bad in her female-assigned gender is intertwined with her chronic depression (which is medically under control, but still always lurking), and I would love to see her happier than ever!

She thinks she doesn't journey towards a fully binary masculine gender identity, more like non-binary transmasc, and it does make sense to me, knowing her.

So far she doesn't think about pronouns or name change, and we're aware it could change later in the process, but for now, I feel like she's lucky not to care, that'll avoid her a lot of dysphoria.

I'm still having some more moments I'm not too proud of where I have feels about how I'm not the center of her life, but they now come and go without me spiraling down into "she doesn't love me anymore", and I'm very happy that she had the courage to face her questions instead of trying to ignore them.

[Lori Dee]

Wow, that sounds like a lot has happened, but it also sounds like you are making progress.

You need to understand that just because she has a lot on her mind does not mean that you are not her Number One. The fact that you are supportive and participating in her journey is HUGE. Going to therapy together is the best way too, as you both get to ask the questions that matter most to you, and both sides get to hear the answer. That promotes understanding of what each of you is experiencing and those experiences are quite different.

Having a supportive and understanding partner is priceless.

[Moonflower]

She thinks she doesn't journey towards a fully binary masculine gender identity, more like non-binary transmasc, and it does make sense to me, knowing her.

I was just thinking yesterday that maybe couples stay together when they fall in love with each others' true self. Perhaps couples break up during transitioning when the other person fell in love with the façade.

"Knowing her" sounds like what I was thinking when I felt a happy leap in response to my wife smiling at me yesterday. She smiled with that same expression that I fell in love with over 25 years ago. It was that true expression of herself that she trusted me with then and that I still cherish. That connection endures.

[Colin]

Hi there!

News since last times: we went to an afternoon meeting of a local association for transgender people, it was nice to find other people IRL and chat with them. Everybody was queer of course and it felt good to see non-cisheteronormative people!

They asked my partner which pronouns to use and he chose he/him, and afterwards told me he wants to try these when we're alone together and see how it makes him feel.

So the test is underway! So far it feels rather easy and natural. I hope it won't be hard to switch back to she/her in front of the kids when they will be back from the exes houses on friday.

[Moonflower]

Your local association for transgender people sounds marvelous! It brings back fond memories of nearly a year ago when a nearby university held a trans day of celebration. My wife's therapist was the organizer and pressed us to go, so we did, out of respect for her. Like you, it was nice to find other people IRL and chat with them openly, without concern about binary sex roles. We, too, enjoyed being with non-cisheteronormative people in a very real space. We're not comfortable in settings like Pride and drag where queer people are more likely to present as caricatures. That's where we're at.

How are you doing with the pronouns? When I was building my wife's trust in my support, I came up with names that I thought might represent her womanness until she found her own. I never liked her common name; it obviously represented a character who was very different from the person whom I knew. I used the name that her mother had chosen, if she had been "born a girl". I used feminizations of her birth name. I used feminizations of her middle name. It meant a lot to me, to see how eager I was to be supportive.

I did well switching back and forth between pronouns, but it was a huge weight for me to carry for years. The kids were the hardest. I appreciated each time when she gave me permission to out her to someone. The one time that I slipped up was a couple years ago when I was talking with my psychiatrist. At the end of the meeting, he asked me, "Who's [her current nickname]?" I had no recollection of using that name. She was nearby and visually signalled that it was OK to out her. My psychiatrist responded so pleasantly! That was a happy accident.

In hindsight, using situation-appropriate pronouns are like using situation-appropriate names. We wouldn't use a favorite endearment to refer to our loved one in most formal situations! Nor would we use a person's full legal name in most intimate situations. I wish you well during this challenge.

[Colin]

Hi Moonflower!

Almost a month went by already and things are good. I'm chaotically gendering my partner, with the old "she" in front of people and "he" or "she" when we're together, he likes both. He finds "he" affirming and is also good with "she". That seems to be consistent with how he wants to present, a non-binary man!

He also, since last time, thought of a male first name, but didn't yet ask me to try it out loud. I like the name he chose.

We're going to a doctor on Thursday (I'm going too because going there requires driving and my partner hates driving and would be a danger to himself and the rest of the world behind a steering wheel, by his own admittance) and it should end with his first T prescription! Crossing fingers.

I'm very glad he talked to me back in november and we talked about it A LOT since. I think I'm very comfortable with the idea of his transition now and we can already see how his mental health is better, even though it's very early in his transition.