Thought experiment

[Lori Dee]

I think we all, those of us who transition or who consider whether or not to transition, have faced these questions.  I would encourage you not to treat them as rhetorical questions.  Try to actually answer them.  Talk over your answers with your therapists.

While some transgender people say they do not experience dysphoria (I'll take their word for it, but I am skeptical), I have never heard of a diagnosis of gender dysphoria in a person who was not transgender.

Exactly this.

Some transgender people do not have dysphoria, so may or may not transition. Dysphoria means that this uncomfortable feeling is disrupting your life in some way. Only transgender people have gender dysphoria, the uncomfortable feeling that their body does not match who they feel they are.

If you have read my story, you know that I had the same thoughts and asked the same questions. Even after my psychologist answered my questions, I had doubts... which led to more questions. Eventually, I began to see what he saw, and what prior therapists saw, and I began to connect the dots. I began to see how this affected my behavior, my relationships, and my ways of thinking. It took time, but it finally made sense.

[Nadine Spirit]

Transitioning-this is what terrifies me....

What if ......

There are lots of shades of transition. I initially had no intention of transitioning. I knew I had gender issues, I just didn't think I needed to transition. But I knew I had to do something as I was kind of at a bit of a breaking point. I forced myself to do just two things, 1 - got an experienced gender therapist 2 - changed my hormones.

I know that hormones can seem like a huge change, but initially, in the short term, they are very benign. However they can give a bit of direction. My friend and I both changed our hormones at about the same time. For me it was a huge step that said YES, this is so totally for me. For my friend it was a huge step that said NO, and she stopped. Point being it helped both of us to figure ourselves out, and it took me a few days, my friend took a few months. It felt silly that I hadn't been willing to just try that sooner.

Many people change their hormones and that is all they do. That's all I did for the first year. Over that year my perspectives on things shifted for both my wife and I. I chose to continue further down the transition path as I knew without a doubt it was what was right. But I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't been willing to risk that first step of changing my hormones.

[Lori Dee]

For me it was a huge step that said YES, this is so totally for me. For my friend it was a huge step that said NO, and she stopped. Point being it helped both of us to figure ourselves out, and it took me a few days, my friend took a few months.

One of the questions I finally asked my psychologist was if there was some kind of test I could take that would prove that I was transgender. He said, "Yes!" The test was to start on a 30-day trial period of the hormones. If you feel bad in any way, you stop immediately and they look for some other answer to your problems. For me, I felt great. I knew that THIS IS IT!

So, Kelly, you did the test without realizing it was a test. 

[treeseeds]

There are lots of shades of transition. I initially had no intention of transitioning. I knew I had gender issues, I just didn't think I needed to transition. But I knew I had to do something as I was kind of at a bit of a breaking point. I forced myself to do just two things, 1 - got an experienced gender therapist 2 - changed my hormones.

I know that hormones can seem like a huge change, but initially, in the short term, they are very benign. However they can give a bit of direction. My friend and I both changed our hormones at about the same time. For me it was a huge step that said YES, this is so totally for me. For my friend it was a huge step that said NO, and she stopped. Point being it helped both of us to figure ourselves out, and it took me a few days, my friend took a few months. It felt silly that I hadn't been willing to just try that sooner.

Many people change their hormones and that is all they do. That's all I did for the first year. Over that year my perspectives on things shifted for both my wife and I. I chose to continue further down the transition path as I knew without a doubt it was what was right. But I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't been willing to risk that first step of changing my hormones.

If I understand you correctly you started hormones to see how you felt on them?

Is it okay if I ask you more about your experience?

I do have gynecomastia. I'm actually a 40c in bra size and I actually need to wear one for skin integrity issues. Happy accident there....lol I have heard that people with gynecomastia will experience breast growth faster.

After one year what changes did you notice?

Did you reach a point where you could no longer be in boy mode?

I have so many questions...lol What were the changes you noticed after 1 month, 2 months...ect?

[treeseeds]

One of the questions I finally asked my psychologist was if there was some kind of test I could take that would prove that I was transgender. He said, "Yes!" The test was to start on a 30-day trial period of the hormones. If you feel bad in any way, you stop immediately and they look for some other answer to your problems. For me, I felt great. I knew that THIS IS IT!

So, Kelly, you did the test without realizing it was a test. 

Can you go into more details about your experience? What changes did you notice after one month? At what point did you realize that you could no longer be in boy mode?

What was your timeline like for when you started noticing changes?

I am contemplating trying a 1 month trial period to see how I feel.

[treeseeds]

Okay.

For some reason the feeling of not wanting to transition did lessen this morning. And the feeling of it not being for me did decrease. Objectively I see this, but subjectively I feel like I need to investigate this more.

[KathyLauren]

Like Kelly (@Nadine Spirit), I knew I was near a breaking point and that I had to do something.  And like her, I saw a therapist, had my dysphoria officially diagnosed, and started hormones.

The biggest change I noticed, almost immediately, was a big reduction in stress.  I hadn't realized just how much "boy mode" had been a performance.  For 62 years, I had been on stage 24/7, without a script!!  That stress disappeared, and I felt relief that I was finally doing something about it.

I knew within the first couple of weeks that I would not be going back.  Which was just as well, because by about one month in my breasts were starting to wake up and grow.  I guessed, fairly accurately as it turned out, that I had about three months before I would start to "male-fail".  I came out to friends and colleagues three months to the day after I started hormones, and have been full-time ever since.

[Lori Dee]

Can you go into more details about your experience? What changes did you notice after one month? At what point did you realize that you could no longer be in boy mode?

What was your timeline like for when you started noticing changes?

I am contemplating trying a 1 month trial period to see how I feel.

At one month I only noticed that I felt better. I was happy, always in a good mood, and slept well. Breast development kicks in at about the six-month+ timeframe so I went full-time right away. The breast development was much less than I expected and I continued to argue with my doctors that my hormone levels were too low. (Details are in The Story of Lori).

Eventually, I got them to listen to me and switched around my meds. Now my levels are where they should be and development has started again... after four years of arguing with doctors.

I did a LOT of research on hormones and how they act upon the various receptors. I studied the various medications that are typically prescribed. What I discovered is that the "standard protocol" for medications was almost ten years old. So I brought my research to my doctors and made them look at it.

My current Gynecologist listened. She agreed that my protocol made sense based upon recent studies and she agreed to let me try it. The results have been wonderful, so I reported back to her that every MtF transgender who wishes hormone therapy should be on this protocol if their medical history allows it. I have none of the risk factors that are typically warned about, and some of them are complete nonsense when you actually read the studies.

Here at Susan's, we are not doctors, so we do not give medical advice and we do not discuss dosages of specific medications. But if you read my story, you will begin to see what I faced and how I overcame it.

Your Mileage May Vary.

[treeseeds]

At one month I only noticed that I felt better. I was happy, always in a good mood, and slept well. Breast development kicks in at about the six-month+ timeframe so I went full-time right away. The breast development was much less than I expected and I continued to argue with my doctors that my hormone levels were too low. (Details are in The Story of Lori).

Eventually, I got them to listen to me and switched around my meds. Now my levels are where they should be and development has started again... after four years of arguing with doctors.

I did a LOT of research on hormones and how they act upon the various receptors. I studied the various medications that are typically prescribed. What I discovered is that the "standard protocol" for medications was almost ten years old. So I brought my research to my doctors and made them look at it.

My current Gynecologist listened. She agreed that my protocol made sense based upon recent studies and she agreed to let me try it. The results have been wonderful, so I reported back to her that every MtF transgender who wishes hormone therapy should be on this protocol if their medical history allows it. I have none of the risk factors that are typically warned about, and some of them are complete nonsense when you actually read the studies.

Here at Susan's, we are not doctors, so we do not give medical advice and we do not discuss dosages of specific medications. But if you read my story, you will begin to see what I faced and how I overcame it.

Your Mileage May Vary.

I do have gynecomastia. I actually wear a 40c bra to prevent skin breakdown. I wonder if that would quicken breast development?

Yes! I totally hear you about the medical advice part! I work in social services/health care so I totally get it!

[Mariah]

Gynecomastia can indeed aid in breast development. I know for my spouse that was exactly the case, but your milage may very. Each of us is different and individual so only time will tell if that is the case for you. Hugs
Mariah

I do have gynecomastia. I actually wear a 40c bra to prevent skin breakdown. I wonder if that would quicken breast development?

Yes! I totally hear you about the medical advice part! I work in social services/health care so I totally get it!

[ChrissyRyan]

Wearing a bra may not make your breasts larger but they may make them look larger.

Chrissy

[Nadine Spirit]

If I understand you correctly you started hormones to see how you felt on them?

Is it okay if I ask you more about your experience?

After one year what changes did you notice?

Did you reach a point where you could no longer be in boy mode?

I have so many questions...lol What were the changes you noticed after 1 month, 2 months...ect?

Yes it is okay to ask anything you'd like about my experience. Whatever I say though is just my personal experience and everyone's different.

Yes I initially changed my hormones to just give it a try. I was tired of the endless mental battles I was having about whether or not it was the right thing for me. And on whether or not that I was transgender. And whether or not I needed to transition. It was kind of my way of saying, good golly self just stop it already and get out there and try it.

After one year what did I notice? Well you're probably asking more about physical changes, but the biggest change at one year was that I legally and socially chose to transition. It wasn't because I had become so amazingly feminine that I had to transition. It was because by that point I knew for sure this is what I wanted to do and more importantly, who I really am.

Okay physical change timeline....... I first noticed my nipples getting bigger, that was within the first month or two. Then I felt definite breast buds by like 2nd or 3rd month. Oh my skin lost its super oiliness around then too and my body odor began to change. By about 6 months I noticed my body hair growing more slowly, my skin was getting thinner, way less oily, body odor totally different, breasts visibly developing. Mentally I was fully shifting around during this time as well. I was way happier. My wife and I were getting along. I was doing better at my job. At the end of the first year not much else had really changed. My breasts were a bit larger, but not much more. My skin was thinner. And that was about it.

It was kind of anti-climatic. But the mental changes were huge and eye-opening and way more dramatic than I thought. And the changes in my relationship with my wife was huge as well. 

Okay, so did I ever reach a point where I couldn't present as male? In my opinion, no. In my wife's opinion yes. But see, by saying that I ever reached a point that I couldn't present as male, what am I saying? What does that say about trans men? Is there something so special about estrogen that makes it impossible to present as male? I say no. I really think that if someone really wanted to they could change their hormones and still present as male for as long as they would like.

[ChrissyRyan]

It is wonderful after you have breasts as they are affirming.
But breasts are not everything.

Softer feeling skin appears and some patches of fat appear where they were not there before.
I remember that the front of my thighs became more rounded. I have not seen a significant widening though of the hips.  My waist dropped in size, although weight gain occurred that I learned to counteract over time and am actually a little lighter.

My top of the head hair has always been thick so HRT has not done anything for that, although Finasteride probably has helped keep it full.  Body hair below the neck lightened.

No change to voice because of MTF HRT.

Chrissy

[Gina P]

My experience was at the start of HRT, my mood changed. Gone was the battle of wanting to do this and the self hate, I was finally starting my journey. The first real physical changes I began to see was that my skin changed and I cut and bruised more easily. Finger nails became brittle. At 3 months the loss of muscle mass started to become apparent. My once muscular arms were getting thin. (I loved it!). Breast buds formed and nipples got real sore. Real breast growth is just now occurring at 2 years. Full C cup. I love them and play with them constantly.  Lack of T and higher E since bottom surgery probably helps. Longer hair and a more rounded face would make for a male fail at this point. But to present as male now would be silly.

[treeseeds]

Thank you everyone! I appreciate you sharing some of what you went through!

My morning was interesting! It started off with the usual self loathing and feeling that whatever I am feeling is a lie. Also being thankful that I never transitioned earlier in life 🤣. I'm actually starting to laugh at the ridiculousness of this pattern...it feels so weird that my mind is doing this is!

Any who. So I am driving to work after dropping off my daughter. And for some reason I start thinking about fashion Choices for outdoorsy clothing styles for women and I get excited thinking about it! *le sigh*

Of course I get mad at myself because I had earlier decided that staying with the way my body looks would be better for me long term.

This is starting to get funny, as in funny "haha". 😆

[treeseeds]

My morning,

I woke up without one degree of not wanting to transition.

My appointment with my therapist went well! She pointed out to me that I am taking baby steps towards transitioning. I will be honest about this; I have been. I have been doing things like wearing a bra every day.

Today I have been thinking about developing a female body and it gives me the warm fuzzies. During my therapy session I also used my female name for the first time.

So that is where it is at! This is a marathon, not a race...lol I am not forcing anything, I am exploring what all this means, and not judging myself. We will see what the future brings!

[Lori Dee]

You have the right attitude. Just see where it goes. If something doesn't feel right, just stop and go another way. When you find your path, it will feel right.