Some type of nonbinary and feeling afraid

[CozmicOsric]

Hey everyone! It has been forever since I have been here. So long that I had to make a new account. Back then I was just finding my identity as a trans man. Here I am again some years- testosterone, and a couple surgeries later, and my gender still seems to be shifting.

These days I am shifting more towards the nonbinary or neutrois vibes when it comes to my gender. I've never been huge into labels, and consider myself pretty flexible when it comes to the good ol' gender binary. I've thought about bottom surgery, and have settled on a nonbinary option- which will likely be the next step in my transition when life allows.

Things have been hard for me recently. I have been experiencing harassment, and called a variety of slurs when I go out by myself or with my partner. It's not the same people each time, but a collection of different encounters in different settings. Most of the time, all of the time, I am just minding my business trying to exist, and then someone says the most reprehensible stuff to me. Admittedly, it has made me kind of afraid with regards to the ways my gender is shifting. Not because I am afraid of being myself, but afraid of the way others will react to me when they do not understand- especially with all of the anti trans stuff happening in the world all the time.

So, I find myself here. It's the only place I have truly ever been able to find community. I figured getting on here might make me feel less alone.

It's  just that, when I picture me as I am meant to be, I fear it will be so colorful and different that some people will react with nothing but hate. It makes me feel like being myself means being targeted- but I suppose I have always been visibly queer despite trying to hide it. I guess lately I have been afraid to be myself. I feel like I am in a different kind of closet. Plus, the harassment from strangers has not helped. I've been kind of afraid to leave my house- and have not been going out much because of it.

If I could describe to you my gender, I'd say I was a gender freak- or like a weird gender meatloaf lol. I don't want to be restricted to a binary world, and I enjoy playing with all the possibilities. In some ways, my gender feels like my art. I can't help but feel if my appearance matched the way my soul feels, it would be impossible to hide the vibrance of my queerness. THAT- makes me afraid. I have plenty of body hair and a full beard, but now that I am truly getting comfy in my skin, I love to rock skirts and dresses. I have some cool boot high heels that I love to wear. I love playing with all types of clothing- not just the masculine stuff, and in my heart of hearts I just feel like no gender box could ever contain what I've got going on. Currently though, I have not been confident enough to wear the skirts, dresses, or heels as much. I typically present mostly masculine, just because anything else has felt unsafe. I desperately want to be seen for who I am, but I find myself afraid of the backlash that comes with it- the world is not especially kind to hairy nonbinary folks in skirts.

My dream is to one day open a gym that is a safe space for trans people. That dream has been feeling far away because of the harassment I have been experiencing on top of the current political climate. Sometimes it feels silly to dream of something like that when I can't even sit in the park with my partner without being targeted. I guess I am just feeling hopeless, and could use a little support.

To the other trans and nonbinary people out there- How do you exist with all of your vibrance, knowing that to be seen, is to be targeted? How can I shift my thinking to be more bold and less afraid? How do you stare danger in the eyes and still have the courage to be yourself? My first step in trying to feel safe enough to be myself has been coming here, and putting my thoughts out for others to hear them. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who feels this way.

Thanks for listening, I am looking forward to being more active on here.

[Lori Dee]

Hello Osric,

Welcome back!

You are not alone. I think we all feel targeted lately. I am fortunate to live in an area where most people keep their opinions to themselves. Here, I am only being targeted by my own government, the people we elected to serve us and keep us safe.

When I first started transitioning, I was always afraid of what others thought. I have come to realize that most people do not notice. They are in their own little world and not paying attention to me, unless I do something to attract attention.

Eventually, I got to a point where I didn't care what other people thought. The whole purpose of my transition was so that I could live MY LIFE according to my wishes and not the whims of others. I still try to live that way, but I am with you on how unsafe that feels lately. Especially since I live in a very Red State that was rated as the most dangerous for LGBTQI people.

Recently, my situation has changed enough that I can do something about it. I will be moving to Colorado this summer. I don't know if your situation will allow it, but moving to a better area might be in your best interests. Right now, many people (including couples and members here) are relocating to different areas. Perhaps, if you found a good area to move to, that might also be the best place to set up your gym.

If your situation does not permit it now, then I would suggest you make a plan. Figure out what would it take to make it happen. Set small goals that move you in the right direction to achieving the big goal. The hardest part is making a realistic plan and sticking to it no matter what.

We are happy to have you back here. We have many new members as the site continues to grow. I am certain that others will be along with their ideas and advice too. You did the right thing coming back here. Here, none of us are alone. We are all in this together.

[Moonflower]

afraid of the way others will react to me when they do not understand- especially with all of the anti trans stuff happening...

So, I find myself here. It's the only place I have truly ever been able to find community. I figured getting on here might make me feel less alone.

Yay! Glad you're back! More people are on their way to welcome you back. We're here for you. I agree that people judge us unfavorably simply because they don't understand. If we listen to their beliefs and respond with our stories, they will come around.

It's  just that, when I picture me as I am meant to be, I fear it will be so colorful and different that some people will react with nothing but hate.

Where do you feel safest?

I don't want to be restricted to a binary world, and I enjoy playing with all the possibilities. In some ways, my gender feels like my art.

Beautiful! Me too!

I can't help but feel if my appearance matched the way my soul feels, it would be impossible to hide the vibrance of my queerness.

Beautiful! Me too!

in my heart of hearts I just feel like no gender box could ever contain what I've got going on...
I desperately want to be seen for who I am...
My first step in trying to feel safe enough to be myself has been coming here, and putting my thoughts out for others to hear them. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who feels this way.

You are not alone. We get it. We value authentic expression. It's a challenge we here all face the best that we can. You're asking exciting questions. You're reaching for something magnificent. It's worth the struggle. It's worth practicing little ways to find safe places and safe ways to be YOU. Tiny baby steps can lead to huge opportunities. We're here to help each other to be our real selves. Welcome back.

[Maid Marion]

I have a lot of experience with this.  People get uncomfortable when you fall into the "uncanny valley" between male and female.  Some find it sexy.  Others find it unsettling. 
I have less hassles if I present female, as I'm short and petite.

What I would do is to identify "safe spaces" where you can freely express yourself.
Upper class areas like West Farms Mall are pretty safe due to the high level of security.

Provincetown prides themselves on being a community that accepts all genders.
A popular vacation spot for the LGBTQ community.

[Lilis]

Hey CozmicOsric,

Welcome back to Susan's.

I'm sorry for what you're going through in your area.

The fear of being seen and targeted is something many of us are facing, especially with the hostile political climate right now. But not everyone is against us, there are still good people out there, people who see and support us.

I know it's not easy, but for me, it comes down to this... If the world is going to see me as different no matter what, I might as well be different on my own terms. There's power in that.

Shifting my thinking to be bold and less afraid doesn't mean ignoring the risks. It means deciding that my joy, my comfort in my own skin, is worth more than the approval of people who will never understand. It means realizing that the world will judge me whether I play it safe or not, so I might as well wear what I want, the things that make my soul feel at home.

How do we stare danger in the eyes and still have the courage to be ourselves?

Honestly, most of the times I don't stare it down at all. Sometimes, I take breaks. I rest. I move cautiously when I need to. And that's okay. I read some where that:

"courage isn't about being fearless, it's about choosing when and how to step forward despite fear".

Sending you hugs and solidarity. You're not alone in this. 🫂

[Sarah B]

Hi Osirc

Hey everyone! It has been forever since I have been here.  So long that I had to make a new account.  Back then I was just finding my identity as a trans man.  Here I am again some years on testosterone and a couple surgeries later and my gender still seems to be shifting.

It sounds like you've been on quite a journey and it's understandable that identity can evolve over time.  Many people who take medical steps to align with how they feel find that their understanding of themselves continues to grow.  You're not alone in this and self-discovery is a lifelong process.

These days I am shifting more towards the nonbinary or neutrois vibes when it comes to my gender.  I've never been huge into labels and consider myself pretty flexible when it comes to the good old gender binary.  I've thought about bottom surgery and have settled on a nonbinary option which will likely be the next step in my transition when life allows.

Your flexibility and openness to exploring your gender without feeling confined by strict labels is commendable.  It takes courage to embrace the unknown especially when making decisions about surgery.  It's great that you've found an option that aligns with your feelings and when the time is right you'll be able to take that step with confidence.

Things have been hard for me recently.  I have been experiencing harassment and called a variety of slurs when I go out by myself or with my partner.  It's not the same people each time but a collection of different encounters in different settings.  Most of the time all of the time I am just minding my business trying to exist and then someone says the most reprehensible stuff to me.  Admittedly it has made me kind of afraid with regards to the ways my gender is shifting.  Not because I am afraid of being myself but afraid of the way others will react to me when they do not understand especially with all of the anti trans stuff happening in the world all the time.

No one should have to live in fear simply for being themselves yet unfortunately the world can be hostile to those who don't fit into expected categories.  It's frustrating that despite having body hair a beard and medical steps taken you're still facing harassment.  It could be that your height or body structure is giving people a visual cue that challenges their expectations making them react negatively.  While it isn't fair recognizing why this happens can help in deciding how to navigate public spaces.  Moving somewhere safer as others have done might be worth considering given the current climate.

So I find myself here.  It's the only place I have truly ever been able to find community.  I figured getting on here might make me feel less alone.

You've come to the right place.  Susan's has been a refuge for many who don't have support elsewhere including myself.  As a private person I don't share my personal details publicly but here it's possible to connect and work through challenges in a way that feels safe.  I belong in the binary world and never tell anyone about my medical condition but this is a place where people can thrash out problems without fear of judgement.  You are not alone and there will always be people here to listen.

It's just that when I picture me as I am meant to be I fear it will be so colorful and different that some people will react with nothing but hate.  It makes me feel like being myself means being targeted but I suppose I have always been visibly queer despite trying to hide it.  I guess lately I have been afraid to be myself.  I feel like I am in a different kind of closet.  Plus the harassment from strangers has not helped.  I've been kind of afraid to leave my house and have not been going out much because of it.

Your fear is completely understandable.  Standing out in a world that thrives on rigid norms can attract negative attention.  It's exhausting to feel like visibility comes with a price and being forced back into hiding because of it is disheartening.  Many people who express themselves outside the binary world face these same struggles and you are not the first or the last to experience this.  It might be worth working with a therapist who specializes in gender identity to help you process this fear and find ways to feel safer while still expressing yourself.

If I could describe to you my gender I'd say I was a gender freak or like a weird gender meatloaf lol.  I don't want to be restricted to a binary world and I enjoy playing with all the possibilities.  In some ways my gender feels like my art.  I can't help but feel if my appearance matched the way my soul feels it would be impossible to hide the vibrance of my queerness.  THAT makes me afraid.  I have plenty of body hair and a full beard but now that I am truly getting comfy in my skin I love to rock skirts and dresses.  I have some cool boot high heels that I love to wear.  I love playing with all types of clothing not just the masculine stuff and in my heart of hearts I just feel like no gender box could ever contain what I've got going on.  Currently though I have not been confident enough to wear the skirts dresses or heels as much.  I typically present mostly masculine just because anything else has felt unsafe.  I desperately want to be seen for who I am but I find myself afraid of the backlash that comes with it the world is not especially kind to hairy nonbinary folks in skirts.

Your expression is uniquely yours and it's understandable why stepping outside of what feels safe is so challenging.  The reality is that society has deep biases and when someone doesn't fit its expected mold they often face resistance.  I won't pretend to have an easy answer because this is a difficult challenge to overcome.  If you ever do decide to embrace that side of yourself more outwardly doing so in safe environments and building confidence over time might help.  Until then you're not alone in these struggles.

My dream is to one day open a gym that is a safe space for trans people.  That dream has been feeling far away because of the harassment I have been experiencing on top of the current political climate.  Sometimes it feels silly to dream of something like that when I can't even sit in the park with my partner without being targeted.  I guess I am just feeling hopeless and could use a little support.

Your dream is important and it is absolutely worth holding onto.  There are places where this could be possible and Erin in the Morning provides a map of safer states that might help in deciding where to pursue this goal.  Even though things feel bleak now don't let the hostility of the world steal your ambition.  If you work through these fears with a therapist you might find renewed confidence in your ability to create something meaningful.

To the other trans and nonbinary people out there How do you exist with all of your vibrance knowing that to be seen is to be targeted? How can I shift my thinking to be more bold and less afraid? How do you stare danger in the eyes and still have the courage to be yourself? My first step in trying to feel safe enough to be myself has been coming here and putting my thoughts out for others to hear them.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who feels this way.

You are not alone and you will not be the last person to feel this way.  Fear can be paralyzing but sometimes working through it with a therapist can help.  Finding ways to ground yourself surrounding yourself with supportive people and choosing safer environments to express yourself can make a difference.  No one should have to live in fear but you deserve to feel secure in your identity.

Thanks for listening I am looking forward to being more active on here.

No problem as I mentioned in my introduction to you I'm always interested in learning from other people.  To help you move forward I would suggest connecting with a gender therapist psychiatrist psychologist or counsellor.  They can help you work through your thoughts and untangle all those what ifs.  These professionals can provide valuable insights into your feelings assist you in understanding your identity and guide you in figuring out the next steps if any that feel right for you.  You are not alone in this and there are ways to build confidence while protecting yourself in today's world.

Take care and all the best for the future

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@CozmicOsric

[Sephirah]

You are not alone, honey. You just happen to be living in a world that has gone completely crazy and devolved the human race by several orders of magnitude. Because baseball caps.

Hold fast in the belief of yourself. It won't always be like this. Sometimes you have to go through a period of crazy just to understand how crazy it is. The world has several espressos too many, then it rights itself when people realise just how bonkers things have gotten.

You are beautiful, and your dream will happen. Hang in there, okay? You're not alone. <3

[CozmicOsric]

I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to reply. Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. Every thoughtful reply has made me feel far less alone. I'm still figuring out how to navigate the forum so I am sorry I am not replying to everyone individually, but I really just wanted to thank you all.

I am sorry we have to go through such difficult times, but I am grateful we all have each other. Although I live in a blue state, harassment has been picking up over the past couple of years and so things have been feeling really heavy. There does not seem to be a strong queer community where I am, and I think folks around my area may just have negative views. I like the idea of moving somewhere more accepting so that I can build my dreams safely there.

Thank you all for sharing your own experiences, helpful suggestions, and encouragement. You really all have helped me feel so much better about things, and I look forward to talking with you all as I spend more time here.

[Sephirah]

I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to reply. Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. Every thoughtful reply has made me feel far less alone. I'm still figuring out how to navigate the forum so I am sorry I am not replying to everyone individually, but I really just wanted to thank you all.

I am sorry we have to go through such difficult times, but I am grateful we all have each other. Although I live in a blue state, harassment has been picking up over the past couple of years and so things have been feeling really heavy. There does not seem to be a strong queer community where I am, and I think folks around my area may just have negative views. I like the idea of moving somewhere more accepting so that I can build my dreams safely there.

Thank you all for sharing your own experiences, helpful suggestions, and encouragement. You really all have helped me feel so much better about things, and I look forward to talking with you all as I spend more time here.

That's mostly what this site is for, hon. It's people sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears. Outside of the world.

You are safe here, okay? Whatever batsh*t weirdness is going on in the world... you are safe here. Safe to be and explore yourself. Free to hope, dream, discuss and learn.

You will get to the place where you can make your dreams happen. Trust me. You might just have to endure a while of the world being overly dudebro. It all happens in cycles. People get sick of dudebro eventually and embrace the unique qualities we all have.

Until then, you are among friends, honey. People who understand you, and get where you're coming from. You're safe here. <3

[CozmicOsric]

That's mostly what this site is for, hon. It's people sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears. Outside of the world.

You are safe here, okay? Whatever batsh*t weirdness is going on in the world... you are safe here. Safe to be and explore yourself. Free to hope, dream, discuss and learn.

You will get to the place where you can make your dreams happen. Trust me. You might just have to endure a while of the world being overly dudebro. It all happens in cycles. People get sick of dudebro eventually and embrace the unique qualities we all have.

Until then, you are among friends, honey. People who understand you, and get where you're coming from. You're safe here. <3

What a wonderful place. I am so grateful to have a space to share those things with others.

Thank you for reminding me that I am safe. It is nice to have a corner of the world where that safety exists.

You're definitely right about the cycles. I am looking forward to the change that comes when people become tired of being so rigid. It is nice to have others to tell me that my dreams stand a chance. Thank you.

I am grateful for everyone here. Thanks for having my back.

[CosmicJoke]

Hi, I'm not technically non binary but I'm MtF. I present as female full-time. It definitely consumes all my energy and makes me feel more vulnerable but I think that's just the price you have to be willing to pay. You will probably lose some friends but they're not really your "friends."

I think it's just a matter of deciding you want it more than you are afraid of it.