Mrs. Oliphant introduction

[Dances With Trees]

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure I belong here. But, if I don't, I don't belong anywhere. I'm an old genderfluid GAB male with strong feminine tendencies. At the age of 73, I finally came out as genderfluid to friends and family. Many of whom, no longer talk to me. I guess that's what I'm looking for: someone to talk to. I'm having great difficulty navigating this website (which is no surprise, it's the first website I've attempted to navigate). Anyway, I look forward to learning as much as I can about who I am. I'm hopeful you can help me on my journey. So, I've made my introduction and resume doing what I do best--listening.

[Lori Dee]

 Hello Mrs. Oliphant,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

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Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@Mrs. Oliphant
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[tgirlamg]

Welcome aboard Mrs Oliphant!  🤗

 I am sure you will find many a kindred spirit here... Navigation of the site can seem slightly complicated at the beginning as there are many heading groups for various concerns... it will quickly seem to make more sense I am sure!... if you navigate to the bottom of the main page you will see the latest posts and can go to any of those if they seem interesting... Many people use the member blog section to make ongoing posts about their Journeys and matters of concern to them!

You are more than welcome  to come say hi in my blog... a link to which is at the bottom of my signature line!

I am sure you will find much that is valuable here if you seek it out!

All good things to you as you find your way forward!

Onward!

Ashley 💕

[Alana Ashleigh]

Welcome, @Mrs. Oliphant

[Sarah B]

Hello Oliphant

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

You're absolutely welcome here and as you can see, others are excited to welcome you too.  This is not just any place; it's a community where many have come together to explore, understand and share their personal experiences and you're definitely part of that.

At 73, embracing your gender fluid identity is a huge step and seriously, you're never too old to think about your gender.  Only you can truly know what your gender means to you and the members of Susan's community highlight the amazing diversity of identities that exist here.

I get that navigating a website for the first time can feel a bit daunting, but don't worry, there is plenty of support available.  By checking out the various posts shared by others, you'll find tons of helpful info.  When you share your own story, you will give others a chance to learn from your experiences too.  I'm confident you will get the hang of exploring Susan's site in no time.  If you ever feel lost, there are so many people here who would be more than happy to help you out.

To help you along your journey, I'd recommend reaching out to a gender therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or counsellor.  They can assist you in untangling all those "what ifs" and provide insight into your feelings.  They will help you understand your identity and figure out the next steps that feel right for you.

Listening is such an important skill and it's awesome that you've always taken a moment to listen before speaking.  Personally, being more private and quiet has turned me into a good listener too, letting me absorb different viewpoints and think deeply before I join the conversation.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Mrs. Oliphant

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi Mrs. Oliphant!


     Welcome!


Chrissy

[D'Amalie]

Welcome to our brand of gender fluiidity

[TanyaG]

Welcome, Oli and you're not alone, because many of us have taken a near lifetime to find out who we are! It's rarely an easy journey because, as you've discovered, plenty of people can't cope with anything but the most rigid definitions of sex and gender, let alone with the idea the two might not be synonymous.

I guess the reason many of us realise who we are in middle life or later is because we grow up steeped in the same beliefs your friends and family hold. Only after years of battle with our own selves does the light dawn that the only peace we'll get lies in abandoning those values. Which is fine in one way, because it helps us off our own case and not fine in another, because by declaring our decision, we kick off the same battle in people who know us. For some of them it's be easier than it'll be for others, as you and most of us here have found.

Reaching the understanding you have found of yourself is a massive step, Oli. For many of us, it's literally half of the psychological journey we must make, and in many ways the toughest half. So you can feel very good about that!

[jori grey]

Hi Mrs. Oliphant.

I'm jori, or just j, and my story is in some ways similar to yours. (I haven't posted it yet, but plan to soon.)

I'm also new in this space, but from what I've seen, it seems to be a welcoming and diverse community.

Best wishes in your journey! 🏳��⚧️

[tgirlamg]

Hi Mrs. Oliphant.

I'm jori, or just j, and my story is in some ways similar to yours. (I haven't posted it yet, but plan to soon.)

I'm also new in this space, but from what I've seen, it seems to be a welcoming and diverse community.

Best wishes in your journey! 🏳��⚧️

@jori grey

Welcome Aboard!🌻

Ashley 💕

[Sephirah]

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure I belong here. But, if I don't, I don't belong anywhere. I'm an old genderfluid GAB male with strong feminine tendencies. At the age of 73, I finally came out as genderfluid to friends and family. Many of whom, no longer talk to me. I guess that's what I'm looking for: someone to talk to. I'm having great difficulty navigating this website (which is no surprise, it's the first website I've attempted to navigate). Anyway, I look forward to learning as much as I can about who I am. I'm hopeful you can help me on my journey. So, I've made my introduction and resume doing what I do best--listening.

Had to look for your intro, honey.

You absolutely belong here. Age is just a number okay? Going by your posts... this proves my point. You're only as old as you feel. A number doesn't define you anymore than what's between your legs defines you. Be you and be awesome. It always amazes me how the most humble of people are the most insightful. #LoriDee We are all in this together. <3

[Dances With Trees]

You absolutely belong here.

I've been thinking about this, Sephira (not ruminating, merely contemplating). So, I offer a more complete introduction. I started cross dressing when I was 4. I quickly learned that being my parents' greatest disappointment was not a pleasant space to inhabit. I changed. I have always loved girly things like dolls and flowers. But I also learned how to be macho. When I dressed in my first wife's clothes, I thought I was pervert. When I was a 'man,' I wasn't pretending to be a 'man.' I was merely a perverted and mentally ill man. About eight years ago, I started dreaming about this beautiful man who loved me so much. He still loves me, and I look forward to his visits as I fall asleep. Coming out isn't easy. But it is so much easier than the life I lived before the dreams began.

[April Marie]

I've been thinking about this, Sephira (not ruminating, merely contemplating). So, I offer a more complete introduction. I started cross dressing when I was 4. I quickly learned that being my parents' greatest disappointment was not a pleasant space to inhabit. I changed. I have always loved girly things like dolls and flowers. But I also learned how to be macho. When I dressed in my first wife's clothes, I thought I was pervert. When I was a 'man,' I wasn't pretending to be a 'man.' I was merely a perverted and mentally ill man. About eight years ago, I started dreaming about this beautiful man who loved me so much. He still loves me, and I look forward to his visits as I fall asleep. Coming out isn't easy. But it is so much easier than the life I lived before the dreams began.

You'll find quite a few of us who found ourselves later in life. We're of a generation where the thought of being anything but what was on our birth certificate was unheard of. We buried those thoughts and became who we were expected to be.

I fought the dysphoria for decades and ultimately lost, falling into guilt, self-loathing and depression. I finally broke down and came out to my wife a bit over two years ago. I'll turn 70 in a few weeks. You can still find happiness and contentment with who you are.

We are here to help.

[Dances With Trees]

I fought the dysphoria for decades and ultimately lost,

Thanks so much, April Marie--Oddly enough, losing the battle feels like a victory. But the way things were in the good old days, I'm surprised we survived at all. I'm glad we're still here. Still dreaming. Still hoping. And, most of all, still loving. Still living isn't bad, either. Your profile photo is awesome!

[TanyaG]

I fought the dysphoria for decades and ultimately lost, falling into guilt, self-loathing and depression.

What about reframing that, and looking at it the other way around? As in, 'I fought the dysphoria for decades and ultimately won, but fell into guilt, self-loathing and depression because learned gendering wouldn't accept the defeat straight away'?

The tipping point is when we realise we've been brought up in a gender we don't feel comfortable with, and when we reach that conclusion, it's a massive win. But winning doesn't stop the conditioned responses our learned gendering continues to put up, which is where therapy comes in and most support is needed, to keep reminding us while we have won, the 'other side' will take time to accept defeat. Guilt and self-loathing are two of the weapons the other side uses against us, and depression is the consequence. Some of the hardest battles any of us fight begin after we've accepted who we are, because our subsconscious (if you want to call it that) doesn't dance to the tune of logic.

[TanyaG]

But the way things were in the good old days, I'm surprised we survived at all. I'm glad we're still here

How did we survive? As I'm sure you'll remember, there was nothing. I recall the occasional newspaper article (usually about a woman who discovered her husband wearing her clothes, with no discussion of why) and sensational spreads about a few high profile sexual reassignment surgeries.

When I realised I was different, the concept of transgender lay twenty years in the future, which will be more or less how it was for you. SRS might as well have been on the moon as far as availability went and there was no therapy available worth mentioning. My deep interest in pschology and therapy began with the need to work it out to understand myself and I was seriously lucky to encounter people like John Bowlby while at medical school. Even though it wasn't his subject, he had an incisive mind and was the first person I can recall who said to me there was no reason he could think of why sex (as in assigned at birth) and learned gender should always align, anymore than sex assigned at birth and sexuality do.

I was twenty by then and it was like the sun coming up, or being handed the key to the secret garden. Nowadays an idea like that would spread far and fast, but then, with no texting, no mobiles, no internet, no web, there was no community to process it. We were, all of us, alone, so how did we manage?

[April Marie]

@Mrs. Oliphant  and @TanyaG  Of course you are both right at reframing the lost vs. win aspect of finding ourselves. I spent a career in the Army and learned that sometimes you have to lose a battle before you can win the war. It was at my lowest point that, in desperation, I came out to my wife and began working with a therapist. And it was at that point that I began to win the war of discovering my truth.

And, yes, some of the hardest battles took place after that point. Still, there was always a glimmer of hope that grew into acceptance and self-love. All of that now seems distant even though my real journey only began just a bit over two years ago. In that time I've found the hope and excitement of becoming who I was meant to be.

Life is good. And thank you both for reminding me that we can each see the same things and take different meanings from them. We learn from each other and lift each other up.

And thank you, also, @Mrs. Oliphant, for your kind words about my profile pic.

[TanyaG]

It was at my lowest point that, in desperation, I came out to my wife and began working with a therapist

I wonder if one of the reasons why there's been such a peak of children entering gender affirming care is not because there's a sudden rush of people discovering they are trans, but instead that what we're seeing would have been how it was in say the seventies if awareness of trans had been greater and communication about it had been easier?

You and Mrs Oliphant must have been in the same position as me? I had to piece together tiny scraps of information even to work out what to call 'my problem'. It wasn't like you could go to the library even and ask for a book on it, because even if you could have named the subject, there wasn't anything useful written about it outside of obscure medical journals. And some of that stuff was plain poison.

It's not surprising people took decades to come out, or whatever it was we do. I'm guessing we're the lucky ones, because we did reach an acceptance of who we are. But if what I've written in the first para is correct, how many didn't?

[tgirlamg]

Tanya,

Yes about all we had was looking up ->-bleeped-<- in the dictionary with the instinctive knowledge that it was far from a good thing to be and yet... female clothing beckoned us like a magnet... and of course the mostly whispered stories of some expensive surgery they could do in Sweden... The thought of that playing in our young mind but, just another of life's impossible dreams in the mind of a kid... ah the 60s and 70s!

Yet here we are... there were few words to define what we truly are but, we eventually made the impossible... possible!       Anyway... how about that for triumph of the human spirit?

Onward

Ashley 💕

[TanyaG]

about all we had was looking up ->-bleeped-<- in the dictionary with the instinctive knowledge that it was far from a good thing to be

That sums it up, pretty much, you can't get far staring at a definition, especially when it's one that completely misses the point!

Right through my early years I had the feeling 'There's got to be more to this than that tired definition.' Then chance unlocked something with a friend called Ginny and she was, 'If you want to dress in my clothes, let's do it' and gifted me insight into another world.

We were just out the sixties and there was still this feeling of anything goes, but that was the first time I realised the world wasn't going to explode if I didn't conform and there was someone who didn't care whether I did. And who was pleased because I was pleased.

That was so well-timed for me, but lots of people never had that chance back then and still don't have it now. And there are still politicians trying to wind the clock back to the days when all you could do was stare at that dictionary page and dream of Sweden.