this is just SO upsetting - TRIGGER WARNING

[make_me_emotionless579]

Very complex issue i write vague disorganised rambling long-winded essays and essays about suicide.

but long story short Im a pre transition transgender male 19 years old with CPTSD/autism and executive dysfunction, since puberty Ive had issues of tantrums in inappropriate places (e.g. public) crying very loud and as someone that makes being emotionless, detached, apathetic, inexpressive PART OF THEIR IDENTITY so much it is just beyond distressing to be the opposite, to cry like a pantomine character

i get misgendered in public constantly, like today (which triggered me massively) when shopping some old man shoved woman deodorant right into my face on purpose but he claimed it was by accident

The entire world views me as a female, not just female per se but the weakest most hysterical most illogical most childish FEMALE ever, the opposite of how I self identify personality wise, making me not just miserable but suicidal

sometimes when minding my own business walking or cycling in the town i live i havve to deal with chavs screaming at me to make fun of me

being told to "calm down" is so triggering
other people having a chiller, quieter tone of voice than i do is so triggering
BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A PHLEGMATIC TEMPERAMENT SO MUCH
I WANT TO BE MORE LOGICAL THAN EMOTIONAL (in addition to more intuitive than sensing etc)

[Northern Star Girl]

@make_me_emotionless579

Important reply comment submitted by Forum Administrator:

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide and Self-Harm content in the preceeding posting
submitted by new member  @make_me_emotionless579

If you are reading this and require immediate assistance please go to the following LINK and posting:

                  TRIGGERS and Trigger Warnings
        https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247199.0.html

                          - TRIGGERS -

If the posting that you are submitting contains violence, suicide, murder, etc.
please show on the Subject Title  *Trigger Warning*
....or if there is not enough space on the Subject Title line you can
include it at the very beginning text after the article title,

If you include linked sources in your posting then just before the linked
source be sure to insert *Trigger Warning* ... this will duly advise
those who may be triggered by the events described in the article from
reading the article if they so choose.

At the end of your posting that includes a Trigger Warning, if deemed
appropriate and necessary you can also post appropriate help lines and
information such as the following:

  * Trans Lifeline: Provides peer support and crisis intervention for
    transgender and non-binary people. Call: 1-877-565-8860 or
    Visit: https://translifeline.org/

  * The Trevor Project: Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention
    services for LGBTQ+ youth. Call: 1-866-488-7386 or visit:
    Visit: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

  * The Trevor Project's resources for parents and allies:
    https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/friends-family-support-systems-for-lgbtq-youth/

  * The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Offers support and
    for people with mental health conditions, including LGBTQ+ individuals.
    Visit: https://www.nami.org/Home

  * The Jed Foundation: Provides mental health resources and suicide prevention
    information for teens and young adults, including LGBTQ+ youth.
    Visit: https://jedfoundation.org/

If you have any questions please contact any of the Moderation Staff for assistance.

Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  Direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator   
     
cc: Moderation Staff
        @Devlyn
        @Jessica_Rose
        @Mariah 
        @Lori Dee
        @Sarah B

[Lori Dee]

Hello make,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for joining us as our newest member.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

It appears that you are going through some difficult times. You indicated some things that imply you have been diagnosed with some issues, so I am wondering if you are currently in therapy to help you deal with all of the things you are feeling. I see that you post often on the other forum that you mentioned, but venting on public forums is not the same as talking to someone face to face who understands and can help you with what you want to achieve.

Many of our members here are dealing with issues like gender dysphoria or other issues that revolve around their gender transition. Our advice is always the same: seek out a therapist with experience in gender identities. I have a feeling that since you have other things going on as well, all of these things are affecting each other which leaves you constantly in distress. An experienced therapist or psychologist can help you sort out the issues and suggest ways to help you deal with each one so that things can become a little less complex for you.

Unfortunately, no one here can do that for you. We are a transgender resource site. Since we are based in the U.S., most of the resources that we list in our Support Groups Forum are here in the U.S.  In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. You can also check out other international helplines at befrienders.org

We would like to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum, introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page that lists all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.

Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at    LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

Things that you should read

• New Members... Please Read this First
• Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By
• Standard Terms & Definitions
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
• News posting & quoting guidelines
• Photo, avatars, & signature images
• Site Policies and stuff to remember
• Cautionary Note
• Membership Agreement

@make_me_emotionless579
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Sarah B]

Hi Make

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

I hear you.  You are dealing with so much and it makes sense that this is overwhelming.  Being misgendered and treated in ways that contradict who you are is painful.  It is not fair that you have to experience this.

You are not weak for having emotions.  Your reactions are not failures.  They are responses to everything you have endured.  Wanting to be in control of your emotions is understandable, but please do not be hard on yourself for struggling.  Trauma, autism and stress make regulation difficult.  That does not mean you are not strong or logical.

You do not have to go through this alone.  If you are not working with a therapist, one who understands both gender identity and trauma could help.  You deserve support.  If things ever feel like too much, please reach out to someone who can help.  You matter and you deserve peace.

Lori has given you some very good information for you to use and Danielle has also listed various other organizations that can help you.

Please know that you are not alone in this.  There are people who care and who want to support you, even if it does not always feel that way.  Keep reaching out, keep holding on and remember that you deserve kindness, both from others and from yourself.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.   I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@make_me_emotionless579