Hello, it's me

[jori grey]

Hi everyone,

I'm jori, or just j. I am AMAB, somewhere on the trans feminine spectrum and I am 68 years old at the time of this writing.

It seems strange, and probably insensitive to say that I kind of envy those trans individuals who had enough clarity in childhood or youth, or even early adulthood to KNOW that they were other than their assigned gender; although I know that this causes a great deal of hardship for many. I have been on this journey for about eleven years, and am still trying to figure things out.

As a child in the 1960s, my life was pretty great in many ways, and although I never really "fit the mold" of typical masculinity, for the most part I didn't question my gender. Looking back, there were a couple of things that might have been signs: As a young child I loved playing "mermaids" with a female friend. I was deeply hurt when she suggested that I could play a "merman." I didn't want to be a merman, I wanted to be a mermaid! In fact I was pretty obsessed with mermaids for a lot of my childhood. I also remember being fascinated by angels, and wanting to be an angel... but in my imagination an angel was just a beautiful woman with wings, and had nothing to do with religion. The idea of a masculine angel just didn't enter my mind at all. Despite these things, and other ways in which I didn't align with "normalcy" I  didn't have any clear concept of being in the wrong body. I assimilated and led a fairly normal life. Occasionally during my teen years and young adulthood the news would report about so-and-so having a "sex change operation." (That's how it was portrayed in the 60s and 70s.) It always seemed faraway and irrelevant to me at that point. Later in life when I heard such news I sometimes wondered what it would be like and whether I would like it, but had no awareness of the real motivations behind it, what was involved, or anything about the transgender community. I heard the word "transsexual" but there was no information attached that related it to actual human beings. The term "closet queen," which is implicitly pejorative and insulting, was also one I heard, but again with no humanizing information attached. That was the extent of my knowledge about transness.

Fast forward to adulthood and 2012. I had been married with one child and in a stable job for over 30 years. One of my work colleagues had announced his retirement, and had asked me to speak on his behalf at the annual staff retirement luncheon. One day while I was out mowing, I was mulling over my upcoming presentation and began imagining Lady Gaga's song "You And I" with altered lyrics to suit the occasion. Suddenly I was struck with the idea of becoming Gaga to serenade my retiring friend at the event, and after a lot of planning, rehearsing, and seeking help from some other staff members with a wig and makeup, that's what I did!

At the time, and throughout the whole process, although I hoped to present a convincing Gaga (I didn't), I thought of the whole thing as just a spoof, and just for fun. It went over well, and the audience was highly entertained, but after my performance as I was looking in the mirror, I found that I didn't want to "take off the girl." In the months that followed, I obsessed about being Gaga again, and thought endlessly about costumes, shoes, props, and how to improve for "next time." Whenever my wife and I were out shopping, I was only interested in looking at Gaga-appropriate shoes and accessories. At this time I really wasn't aware of the transgender community or the world of drag. This was just something I wanted to do that came seemingly from nowhere and not connected to anything outside of my own experience.

One night as I was watching YouTube videos of Lady Gaga and other random stuff, I happened upon a video telling the story of a young transgender girl: her feelings of dysphoria,  the support she had from her mother, their experience talking with a therapist, going to doctors and getting puberty blockers, and her social transition. The story resonated profoundly with me, and I saw myself in her experience. I had the feeling of "this is me!" This led me to discover the voices and stories of so many trans individuals on YouTube that were invaluable in helping me learn about transgender experiences. Since then I have tried to read and learn as much as possible about our community.

Now several years later, I am still struggling but have glimmers of positivity from time to time. I came out to my wife in 2019. She was verbally supportive when I initially told her, but she has had a lot of anxiety about it, and so that support has not materialized in real life. I haven't done therapy or HRT, but am doing as much as I can to feminize through hair removal, exercise, and clothing while trying not to trigger a negative reaction from her. I am fortunate to have a somewhat androgynous body, and my daily presentation probably reads as non-binary, or at least queer to most people with average awareness. I cringe whenever someone calls me "sir", "man," or even worse: "buddy." (Uggghhh! As IF!) On a few occasions I have actually been "ma'am'd" which is what I call it when someone in a store or restaurant refers to me with a feminine pronoun! I am always just elated when this happens, and mark it as an affirmation on my calendar. I even find it affirming when I catch someone looking at me in a way that makes me feel that they don't quite know what to make of my appearance. It's as though their expression is saying "Are you a boy or a girl?"

One of my inspirational trans individuals, Jazz Jennings said: "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." There's a lot of wisdom in that mantra, but it's also easier to say than to put into practice. For me, I have been staying the course with my wife, now of 47 years of marriage, rather than wholly pursuing my "best life." I don't know if that's the right thing to do, and I struggle every day, but life is inherently a struggle so we'll see. I will risk one final quote: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.". (Forrest Gump)

If you made it through all of this, thanks for reading!
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤

[Lori Dee]

Hello Jori,

Welcome and thank you for that wonderful introduction.

So many of our stories are similar. The only difference is in how we each handle our unique situations.

I would strongly suggest seeking out a therapist with experience in gender identities. Not only can they help you navigate along your journey, but they can help your wife understand what you are going through. Invite her to a session. That way she can hear your questions, so she knows what you are going through and she can hear the answers from a professional instead of your "opinion". That also provides her an opportunity to ask the therapist questions that she might have and get professional answers. In turn, you get to hear what her concerns are and the two of you can work on these things together.

The fact that you were honest with her about your feelings and she didn't pack up and leave tells me that your bond is still strong. I would bet that her concern is about what others think, and would they think that means she is a lesbian? That may be something she is not ready to accept.

You might want to check out some of the stories in our Significant Others forum. Maybe find a story similar to yours and let your wife read it. Maybe she can relate to something that other spouses have talked about. She is most welcome to join in. Our support extends to all of the community and their allies.

Let us know if we can help somehow.

[Mrs. Oliphant]

Welcome, Jori Grey! I'm also new to Susan's Place but Lori Dee has become my guiding light. Hang on to every word she says and if you need anything... There's a bunch of us old women (and probably some old men but I haven't met them yet) on this site. Some of us are so old we remember transistor radios. And some of us are so old we miss them. You're definitely among friends.

[Lori Dee]

Some of us are so old we remember transistor radios. And some of us are so old we miss them.

Some of us built "crystal" radios in high school. Yes, I am older than dirt. 

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi!


   Welcome Jori!


Chrissy

[April Marie]

And some of us remember when phones hung on the wall and you had other people on your phone line. lol

Welcome, J! I'm another relative newbie here and a late learned like you. I suffered with dysphoria and depression for decades until I blurted it all out to my wife just a few months of turning 68. Fortunately, she stayed with me and we celebrated our 50th last fall as I move along the path of what transition will ultimately look like for me. That your wife is still there with you says so much about the strength of your relationship. Be open and honest..and patient.

I also strongly recommend finding a gender therapist. You can work entirely on-line if there's no one close to you for a face-to-face. I've worked with mine totally on-line for the past two years. A therapist will help you find your true self and plan your way ahead to your happiness.

In any case, you're among friends and supporters here.

[Jessica_Rose]

Welcome, Jori.

Many of us started this journey without knowing where it would lead. Some of us are able to find comfort by occasionally dressing in the clothing our soul desires, while others are only at peace once they become the person they always wanted to be. There is no single 'right' answer, and sometimes that answer evolves as we learn about ourselves. Having an understanding partner is a big help. You can relax here, you're among friends.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[tgirlamg]

Welcome Aboard Jori,

You've landed in a very good place here... Wishing you all good things as you go about finding what you need in all of this and putting it all together to build a life that serves you well🌻

Some of us built "crystal" radios in high school. Yes, I am older than dirt. 

I believe I won some kind of merit badge for building one! 😅

Onward!!!

Ashley 💕

[TanyaG]

Welcome Jori,

Well hey, how many of us could have written what you have done? Things were so very different back in the sixties, as you know. Like you, many of us grew up with being a thing we couldn't put a name to and that definitely did not make it easier!

I love the way you caught up how the news would sometimes mention sex change operations. Someone, I think it was Lori or Ashley, recently said one of the few words we had to focus on was 'transvestite' which came with such loaded overtones I'm surprised it even appears in the definitions on Susan's. It was almost impossible to find anything out and anything that was made public was so sensationalised and pejorative there was nothing to be made of it other than shame.

The mermaids and Lady Gaga thing bring back memories for me because a group of girls and I swapped clothes when we were kids to find out what it felt like and two of us felt a tremor. I more than she, but that opened a gate we'd never have known was there otherwise. What would have happened if we hadn't done that? Where would I be now? Where would you be now without angels and mermaids?

Maybe it wasn't like that. Maybe my subconscious called for the clothes swap and maybe yours for angels, mermaids and Lady Gaga. Perhaps the only way we had of communicating with ourselves was to badge it as something more acceptable?

Relationships can be hard when the acceptance we are trans comes late and I've written about that here and elsewhere in my blog. It helps to understand while there are times we need to do our partner's therapy too,  our own can't be neglected in the process. One of the things that helped me a lot was realising that being trans is like being on a railway network with many lines and many destinations. Even if we are binary (not all of us are) our personalities and life experiences lead us to ending up in different termini.

Part of the process of accepting being trans is exploring where our destination lies as part of who this long buried part of us turns out to be. The journey is a different experience for everyone, but with common themes, so you'll find much empathy here and every flavour of advice too :-)

[TanyaG]

Sex assigned at birth: Male

Born (rounded to nearest five years): 1955

First hint could be trans: 5-10 years old

First move toward being trans: 55 years old

First 'significant other' told: Over 60 years old

We've had a run of people recently with similar stories and looking back, there've been many others. Members regularly come forward with accounts where they took several decades to accept they were trans, during which time they've had families.

One of the social aspects of gendering is the qualities of fatherhood and masculinity and motherhood and femininity are intimately entangled, so these long delays serve to create increasingly difficult predicaments with more and more people involved.

If we discover we're trans when we're young enough, we can potentially deal with it before we enter into a long term relationship. The older we are, the more likely we won't be in that situation, potentially sweeping more and more people into scope and multiplying the issues both for us and for them. Many of these relationships will prove difficult for us because we are trans and denying it, or will become difficult for others when we 'come out' thanks to the gender flips involved. Most will have bumpy sections for all involved because we're not at peace with ourselves.

Hopefully, better communication is helping people realise they are trans earlier and prevent others taking as long as some of us did to fight through the fog. I feel huge empathy with anyone who went through trans milestones at the rate some of us did. For anyone reading this who was born after the Web became a thing, it must be hard to imagine why our group took so long to reach the conclusions we did.

So I'm raising a glass to Jori and all of us who had to begin our journey by gleaning scraps from dictionaries, newspapers, and through being mermaids and angels. It was all we had.

[Annaliese]

Welcome Jori, so glad to see you join us here. I'm fairly new here also. This place is super nice. Your introduction is very well said. Thank you for sharing.  I am also in my 60's and remember the days of t.v antennae  and a.m radio. When anyone who was a crossdressor was a transvestite and a hooker. The days of yore, huh. I was born in 58. The world has come along ways since.  I never would have imagined in my wildest of dreams that we could have a day where we could actually be living our lives as we were meant to be.
You will find so much support here. Like Tanya said, there seems to be alot of us older transgender Woman these days joing here. I think that is because in our days, gender dysphoria was never heard of. It's only really recently been widely been talked about. The more it is the more our generation hears about it and digest it. The more us accept the reality of who they are. I believe as I started to really disect what gender dysphoria was, the more I delved into my past and who and why I did what I did and came to certain conclusions.

Anyway I believe we all are here due to the more knowledge of this being brought and being able to make us understand.  I hope this makes sense. Anneliese

[Alana1990]

Welcome, Jori
Alana

[Nekoga]

Welcome Jori,

A lot of us have similar experiences, I remember as a child when we played house, I always wanted to be the mommy or the sister, but I was always told I couldn't be since I was a boy, so I'd always be pretend to be the house cat. I grew up in the 80's in a very conservative town that acted like it was in the 50's. A man was a man and a woman was a woman, nothing in-between.

You're much farther along than me, I'm 6'2" work in construction and am built like a brick house.

I hope this site helps you get where you want to be, and I wish you all the best.
-Marika

[Camille58S]

Welcome home Jodi! That's what this place feels like to me. I hope you come to feel the same way. This site is just filled with kind souls who are there for you when you need it! Again, welcome!