Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two

[Northern Star Girl]

Welcome to the continuing blog thread of Emma1017 
                  "Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two"

Emma1017's first Blog Thread "Which hurts less" is still
available for reading and can be found at the following Link:
      ---> https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,240370.0.html

Warmly, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

[Northern Star Girl]

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
Along with the rest of your avid followers and readers, I am eagerly looking forward
to reading your continuing postings and updates here on your latest Blog Thread.

HUGS, Danielle[Northern Star Girl]

[davina61]

Well book 2 who would have thunked it (thought I would throw in some local dialect!). Keep going dear and we will soon fill this one up.

[Emma1017]

Thank Davina.  Not sure I can beat the last chapter, but as long as you and everyone else stop by once in a while, I am sure we will keep it lively.

Starting this chapter with the positive, it is great that friendships can be established with words here, versus the trash we have to read and hear in the media.  On Susan's, we choose who we want to read and what we want to share. When we do share, it is from the heart.

I also want to say Thank You! to Danielle and all of the moderators who keep the garbage out and allow true relationships to grow.

 

[Emma1017]

I wrote this today to clear my head:

Why would a wife want to be a partner with a transgender woman?

Here are my ten best reasons (taken from only my experience):

We are very empathetic: We under emotional pain and aware of the toll it takes on people.

We are warm and friendly: We appreciate the warmth and friendship shown to us and reflect it back.

We listen and share feelings: It is a long and painful path to accept that we are transgender. The process makes us more in tune with our feelings.

We like clothes, makeup, and shopping: It may seem shallow, but we have repressed our gender for so long that our female presentation is a celebration every time we experiment with clothes and makeup.

We are loyal, we will always have your back: We are constantly under attack both from the world and inside our own heads. We cherish every true friend.
Love and making love are closely aligned: We are no longer slaves to testosterone. Having sex is not as important as making love, and maybe being in love is more important than sex.

We don't tolerate bigots, misogyny, or bullies: When you are a victim of their attacks, it makes you intolerant of them in every form.
Being older, we are generally more mature and financially secure: It's nice to have an adult relationship, particularly as you navigate so many other issues in that relationship.

We are emotionally stable: There may be other reasons to be crazy, but fluctuating hormones are not one of them. Our hormones are regulated by medication.

Our hearts are big and waiting for love back: We really don't need much, just a loving understanding of what makes us who we are.

This is a short list, and it is based on my experience. I have had so many dialogues with other late transitioners that I have noted some of the commonalities that I am sharing here.

Feel free to add to the list.

[Emma1017]

Busy week, did my annual mammogram on Tuesday (everything is ok), dentist yesterday and I meet with a LGBTQ doctor today.  I hope she works out.  I want someone familiar with transgender health to coordinate my care knowing I am on hormones.

[Sephirah]

I wrote this today to clear my head:

Why would a wife want to be a partner with a transgender woman?

Here are my ten best reasons (taken from only my experience):

We are very empathetic: We under emotional pain and aware of the toll it takes on people.

We are warm and friendly: We appreciate the warmth and friendship shown to us and reflect it back.

We listen and share feelings: It is a long and painful path to accept that we are transgender. The process makes us more in tune with our feelings.

We like clothes, makeup, and shopping: It may seem shallow, but we have repressed our gender for so long that our female presentation is a celebration every time we experiment with clothes and makeup.

We are loyal, we will always have your back: We are constantly under attack both from the world and inside our own heads. We cherish every true friend.
Love and making love are closely aligned: We are no longer slaves to testosterone. Having sex is not as important as making love, and maybe being in love is more important than sex.

We don't tolerate bigots, misogyny, or bullies: When you are a victim of their attacks, it makes you intolerant of them in every form.
Being older, we are generally more mature and financially secure: It's nice to have an adult relationship, particularly as you navigate so many other issues in that relationship.

We are emotionally stable: There may be other reasons to be crazy, but fluctuating hormones are not one of them. Our hormones are regulated by medication.

Our hearts are big and waiting for love back: We really don't need much, just a loving understanding of what makes us who we are.

This is a short list, and it is based on my experience. I have had so many dialogues with other late transitioners that I have noted some of the commonalities that I am sharing here.

Feel free to add to the list.

Because it's still the person you fell in love with... they just aren't scared to be themselves anymore.

That's the only thing I can come up with. And I think the only thing which matters. I will admit.. I don't... I don't think that someone can fall for a trans girl, even when they haven't come out to themselves, and think "Yeah I'm marrying a dude." I just don't think... from all my experience here, that's not how it works. You can't be completely oblivious until someone comes out because people just aren't that good of an actress. You have that about you always, and I think it is why people fall for you, because you're not like other people. So to be like "I had no inkling whatsoever!" is disingenuous because if your partner knew most of their life... there's no way you didn't get that vibe. Unless you just didn't care? People can't hide stuff as well as they think they can.

Maybe I am totally wrong but... I find it hard to believe that someone wouldn't have the slightest suspicion that someone was trans even if they never said anything. Just because there's too much to try and hide. I dunno.

[Emma1017]

"Because it's still the person you fell in love with... they just aren't scared to be themselves anymore."

Sephirah, that is a perfect summary.  I was having a mental conversation with my wife and the wives of late-in-life transitioners.  I was trying to list why we're worth sticking around with, rather than getting a divorce. I wanted to counter-balance the negative...mostly in my head.

My wife and I are fine.  It was just another bout of self-doubt and self-criticism.

I like this video by a supportive wife, and I'm totally jealous: 

[Sephirah]

You are worth it because you are you, Emma. You were Emma when you met your wife, and you are Emma now. It just took some figuring out of some stuff. You are no less a person than when you were that awkward girl crushing on another girl, while still being within yourself. And that's kind of the hardest thing for trans people.

Everything about you that matters, doesn't come from what gender you are. It comes from your soul. Your wit, your literary gift, your kindness, your understanding, your loyalty.. hell I could go on but I don't want your head to grow too big, lol. The point is, the thing that makes us... us... is there and will always be there, no matter what bits we have in what locations. And while I get why it's hard for some partners to see beyond that, in terms of procreation and physical lust, I would suggest that it's the other parts of you they fell in love with. As that video shows. You don't marry the sex organs, you fall in love with the person. And if you don't... there's something wrong somewhere.

As an aside, that girl is legit amazing. Massive kudos. I love how she is like "I don't need to put words to how I feel. I just feel." That is very much me. Damn, Amanda is someone special.

[Mrs. Oliphant]

As that video shows. You don't marry the sex organs, you fall in love with the person. And if you don't... there's something wrong somewhere.

Beautifully said, Sephirah. As was the entire thread between you and Emma regarding love and commitment with a transgender partner. I'm too old for all the mushy stuff, but I think it would have been one heck of an adventure if I had come out sooner and discovered the woman (trans or cis) willing to share her life with me. I even believe such a relationship would have lasted far longer than any of my other relationships. Perhaps, it would have lasted forever.

[Emma1017]

MO, never give up on love.  You are never too old!

Sephirah, that couple in the YouTube video has a series about their transition.  It gets a little too sweet, but given all the negative videos about being transgender, their story is a very nice change of pace.  The series is nicely done.

I agree about our core, it's just the wrapper that gets in the way!

I thought this was very cute:  "when you were that awkward girl crushing on another girl..."

[Sephirah]

Beautifully said, Sephirah. As was the entire thread between you and Emma regarding love and commitment with a transgender partner. I'm too old for all the mushy stuff, but I think it would have been one heck of an adventure if I had come out sooner and discovered the woman (trans or cis) willing to share her life with me. I even believe such a relationship would have lasted far longer than any of my other relationships. Perhaps, it would have lasted forever.

Annika, you're never too old for the mushy stuff. That's kind of the heatbeat of life.

Girl, you are gorgeous. And you have the same magical word spiderwebs encircling your soul that Emma does. Some people just... have it. Annika, and Emma, you girls have it. In abundance.

I thought this was very cute:  "when you were that awkward girl crushing on another girl..."

That's you, Emma. And that's the thing. You don't just wake up one morning and decide "Yeah, so, I am a girl/boy/non-binary today!" It is with you for your whole life. That's what the current world media would like to have people believe. That people flip flop more than a Los Angeles beach in summer. Because they want it to not matter. But it matters. It matters a lot.

[Mrs. Oliphant]

Annika, you're never too old for the mushy stuff. That's kind of the heatbeat of life.

I had to think about this for a bit, Sephirah (a new habit I'm trying to form: thinking before posting). I believe Susan's Place is ideally suited for euphemisms and respecting boundaries (another habit I'm diligently attempting to inculcate). And I am, quite frankly, long past whatever the euphemism 'mushy stuff' might imply. But snuggling? Two old women holding hands and giving each other an intimate but otherwise perfunctory kiss? Smiling at each other with no need for goo-goo eyes or surreptitious touching? Yeah. I'm down for that. Perhaps, someday, I'll meet (or re-meet, I haven't quite given up on my first wife just yet) someone with whom I can share tender moments. And laugh together in silence watching another sunrise. But I assumed (another habit I'm attempting to break) Emma was talking about all the wonders of being young with someone you love. And those wonders are sublime, though transient. As you know, I cherish my memories of being young and tend to describe them in graphic detail. But I did not cherish those moments at the time they occurred. For me, that's the beauty of growing old: the ability to cherish. I just re-read this, making sure I did't dot a t or cross and i. But I'm going to post it anyway. New habits are difficult to form. I read and reread and printed and read again your story. I am in awe of your magical word spiderwebs.     

[Sephirah]

I had to think about this for a bit, Sephirah (a new habit I'm trying to form: thinking before posting). I believe Susan's Place is ideally suited for euphemisms and respecting boundaries (another habit I'm diligently attempting to inculcate). And I am, quite frankly, long past whatever the euphemism 'mushy stuff' might imply. But snuggling? Two old women holding hands and giving each other an intimate but otherwise perfunctory kiss? Smiling at each other with no need for goo-goo eyes or surreptitious touching? Yeah. I'm down for that. Perhaps, someday, I'll meet (or re-meet, I haven't quite given up on my first wife just yet) someone with whom I can share tender moments. And laugh together in silence watching another sunrise. But I assumed (another habit I'm attempting to break) Emma was talking about all the wonders of being young with someone you love. And those wonders are sublime, though transient. As you know, I cherish my memories of being young and tend to describe them in graphic detail. But I did not cherish those moments at the time they occurred. For me, that's the beauty of growing old: the ability to cherish. I just re-read this, making sure I did't dot a t or cross and i. But I'm going to post it anyway. New habits are difficult to form. I read and reread and printed and read again your story. I am in awe of your magical word spiderwebs.     

Nah, girl. you are worth more than that. You and Emma both. The only time you get old is when you want to feel old. I do not get that vibe from either of you, Annika. Or Emma. You both have an energy of women in your 30s. Because life only wears on you when you let it. I kind of feel 100 most days, but I am trying to deal with stuff. Girl, you don't have to let a number define you, any more than you have to let a label define you. Be you, love being you... and blaze your own trail. It is never too late, Annika. And Emma. You are both rather extremely gifted girls.

[Emma1017]

I have clients in their 90s and a few over 100 years old.  They are living their lives and have great senses of humor...maybe that's the key.

An elderly client told me years ago that the art of getting older is to realize the things you can't do, and then find the 5,000 things that you can.

I like that.

[ChrissyRyan]

I have clients in their 90s and a few over 100 years old.  They are living their lives and have great senses of humor...maybe that's the key.

An elderly client told me years ago that the art of getting older is to realize the things you can't do, and then find the 5,000 things that you can.

I like that.

Makes sense to me Emma.

Enjoy your Saturday immensely!


Chrissy

[Emma1017]

Thanks Chrissy.  Do something fun today!

[ChrissyRyan]

Thanks Chrissy.  Do something fun today!

Emma,


Okay, I will try.  Thank you.

I may go to get some cosmetics, exercise, and relax.


Chrissy

[Emma1017]

Excellent Chrissy!

I may do the same today.  I bought a candle-making kit and some essential oils.  It's been fun.  I have some beach glass that I put in the mold and added lemongrass oil.  It came out pretty decently.

Today, I have some mason jars to play with.

It's nice to have something fun to do.  I had an "adult" week: mammogram, dentist, a new transgender doctor, a plumber snaking out the drain in a wet basement, a roofer repairing missing roof ties, and sending my car into the shop (Sorry Davina, you are too far away for me to get to...)...oh and work.

I need to make sure I don't do too many candles today....

[Mrs. Oliphant]

I have clients in their 90s and a few over 100 years old.  They are living their lives and have great senses of humor...maybe that's the key.

An elderly client told me years ago that the art of getting older is to realize the things you can't do, and then find the 5,000 things that you can.

I like that.
Thanks, Emma--so do I. I wish I had wasted my youth more wisely but have few regrets about getting old. I was not mourning the loss of my capacity or inclination towards 'romantic' love but celebrating my awareness of something much more profound and fulfilling. I agree with those you counsel who look for the 5,000 things to replace whatever the one thing was that time stole from them. And loved your discussion with Sephirah regarding transgender couples. I have scant desire to be part of a 'couple' but enjoyed hearing all the reasons I can offer to this 'lucky' woman should I someday find her.