Hi MarikaWell as you know my name is
Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you Back to Susan's Place!
I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMWell... I can't actually say I'm new here, more of a lurker for the last 14 or so years, lol. I've been inactive for the last 4 or so years and when I attempted to recover my old account I received a banned message for some reason and was completely locked out of the site. Apparently there was a major site crash in 2024 that scrambled a lot of systems and accounts, but thankfully I was able to contact the administrator through Discord to set up this new one with Danielle's help.
If you happen to see this, thank you so much for your help Northern Star Girl, Sarah B and The Occupant.
Since I'm back after so many years being away, I might as well "attempt" to be less of a lurker.
I'm happy that you have made a safe landing here at Susan's. You are more than welcome, I really do enjoy helping others and all you have to do if you want, is pass on a little kindness in the future. I have never been a lurker, I came to Susan's in 2010, left in 2012 and came back in 2024 just before the crash.
So as I mentioned in discord the crash may have affected me in connecting to Susan's sometimes. So yeah similar stories, but different. However, I digress as usual, a bad habit sometimes. You can be a lurker all you want or you can be a prolific contributor if you want. What you write about yourself will help others and of course reading what is being said here you can find out all you need to know.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMThe furthest memories I can really remember go back to about 4 or 5 years old, that was back in the 1980's. Even back then, when I had the strange mindset that girls went pee out of their butts (thank you older brother's), I always wanted to be one. Sadly I grew up in a very small town up in the mountains, in a very conservative area, with an egomaniac sociopath for a father. Needless to say, a boy wanting to be a girl would simply lead you to a beating to "make you forget" those notions. So what do you do, bottle up those feeling and put on a mask your whole life. Fun... right.
As you say "similar stories, but different". You are right, which seems to be the eternal thing around here. Me it was 4 or 5 years old, wanting to dress up and later wanting to play with the other girls, yet an invisible barrier was just right there in front of my face. Somehow I knew, why I do not know I never told anyone about those thoughts and as a result has kept me safe all these years.
Now "pee out of their butts", was so frigging funny. I was lucky not drinking my morning coffee in front of my computer screens.
It's funny the sense of self preservation in ones life does crop up again and again for those who do so.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMSo you spend what little time you have behind closed doors doing what makes you feel, like you, so only you see. Not healthy, I know, but most all of have been there. Growing up with all brothers, I would dress in my mothers cloths when I got the chance, occasionally a cousins when visiting, and slowly acquired a hidden stash of personal, awfully mismatched clothes, by means of garage sells, thrift shops, etc. A stash that was thrown out many times over when you thought you might be caught. Then years go by, you bottle yourself up again and again, acquire more things that help you cope, consider coming out again and again, only to have life slap you in the face again and again.
This is where we differ significantly, I never purged, I just brought clothes (catalogues) and delivered to a post office. The clothes were stored in a specially made gun box for my guns! Yeah tell me, if that is not funny in and of itself. Those clothes were my wardrobe for when I changed my life around.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMI've done many things in life, traveled around the world, had many jobs, big and small, even started my own business. I've been very well off financially and have also been homeless and penniless, as well as in between and scraping by. I've served my country during war time, truly loved someone and was loved in return, as well as had my heart broken. Made many friends and lost many loved ones. I've explored, researched, lived and grew in many ways, but never in the one way that I have truly believed was missing from my life. I've experienced more than most in life, that's not bragging, hyperbole or arrogance, I've simply just always pushed myself far beyond most in an attempt to guard my inner self from coming out.
I have never travelled the world except coming to Australia from England when I was a child. Big adventure yeah I know. I also have done many things; draftsperson, teacher in maths, computers swimming and lifeguard. I never pushed my true self away from me. It obviously came to a head in February 1989.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMI've attempted to either come out or start transitioning a few times, but something in life seemed to always get in the way (sometimes myself) before I could finally get up the nerve to start. I have gone through herbal supplement regiments in the past a few times and have received some minor feminizing affects. Have worn my hair long for 17 years. Started and stopped electrolysis a few times, researched like crazy over the years and have a full wardrobe of cloths that kind of make me happy. But all behind closed doors.
When I changed my life around I never looked back and one of the most striking things that allowed me to live my life how I wanted to was my long hair, 48 years never been cut (see avatar, not long after I changed). Hormones, electrolysis and surgery completed the pièce de résistance, behind closed doors so to speak.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMAfter 42 years of living in a pseudo nightmarish reality, most likely of my own making, I'm finally considering transitioning again. I've been in and out of extreme depressive slumps throughout life, am constantly in a state of dysphoria, I'm just getting tired. I'm back here again because this site was always one of the few places to help keep me grounded in the past, as well as cause jealousy, lol. Seeing all you accomplish what I never could bring myself to, but seeing that also brought me happiness as well.
For me I have just lived my life as I am. You are never too late to start and your acknowledgement of your dysphoria tells you something that needs to be done. To help you move forward, in this area. I would suggest connecting with a gender therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor that use informed consent. They can help you work through your thoughts and untangle all those "what ifs." These professionals can provide valuable insights into your feelings assist you in understanding your identity and guide you in figuring out the next steps if any that feel right for you. Success stories abound here on Susan's and I'm sure that you will be able to add to the growing list.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMI have a few business deals I have to finish within the next few months, but I'm hoping to possibly see an endocrinologist, therapist or someone therein afterwards. Hopefully to get started on something, and hopefully start moving forward in life. No matter how much I've accomplished in life, I've always felt like I've been at a standstill. Coming back here was one of my first steps.
Life goes on regardless of who we are. What you are saying tells me you seem to be on the right path to become who you want to be. Remember, what you want to do is up to you and what ever you do ensure that it makes you happy.
Quote from: Nekoga on April 23, 2025, 02:12:32 PMIf you're still here after reading all that nonsense, thank you for listening to my rants.
I'll try to keep active on here now, no more just lurking, but no promises.
-Marika
TL;DR My life story in a nut shell, yada yada, read if you like.
Well you can guess that I have put up with all that nonsense and rants and of course you know that I have read it all and what I saw I liked very much. You do not have to be 'active', what you post is entirely up to you.
I know you will feel comfortable here, however it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads. I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members and I know you will not disappoint me.
In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.
Take care and all the best for the future.
Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Devlyn @Jessica_Rose @Mariah @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee @ Negoka
