Rediscovering Pema

[Lori Dee]

But again... I'm a control freak, and one who really, really values clarity in communication.

Haha, I am the same way! Systems and flowcharts are my thing. I tell people I am a nerd, and I have the spreadsheets to prove it!

I do understand what you are saying. Maybe just ask what the plan is, or at least the goal?

In my gender therapy sessions, there really wasn't one. The psychologist told me that I was in the driver's seat, so it depended on what issues I was having trouble with at that time. Of course, that changed over time, too.

After a while, I had more issues with my PTSD than with gender issues. Part of that was because I became comfortable with who I am, so my other issues took center stage. Then the therapy focused on those issues with the goal of reducing the symptoms and my sensitivity to triggers.

Therapy is always about:
1. List the symptoms.
2. Identify the triggers causing the symptoms.
3. Remove or reduce the symptoms by desensitizing the triggers.

It doesn't matter what the modality is (hypnotherapy, CBT, EFT, Gestalt, or even Freudian), the process is still the same. As a hypnotherapist, my clients responded to hypnotherapy because I could change the modality to whatever they responded to. But as far as an outline for treatment, the above should suit you well. 

[Pema]

That's very interesting, Lori. Thank you.

Part of the challenge for me - and probably for my therapist - is that it's hard to pin down issues/symptoms. I'm happier and more at peace than I've ever been. A corollary of that is that I recognize that I've adopted behaviors that belong to a role that was imposed on me decades ago. I'd like to discard all of that conditioning, rediscover who I *actually* am, and build my life around that. For me, it feels like a huge opportunity and not a problem.

What I hope to get from therapy is twofold:
1) Guidance with separating the signal (internal truth) from the noise (external demands, including internalized adoption of cultural expectations).
2) Diagnosis and documentation to use as support for future GAHC.

I'm not a "screaming psyche" kind of person. I can adapt to just about anything, but that doesn't mean it's optimal. Sure, I can identify incongruities, and maybe we can call those "symptoms," but they're by no means debilitating for me the way they clearly are for some people. I think Life is amazing even when it's painful. It's just mind-blowing that we exist at all.

This may be my biggest struggle: Do I have the "right" to be transgender if I'm not suffering living as my assigned gender? Is it "enough" to recognize that I have a much greater opportunity for self-realization by discarding that assignment in pursuit of something more authentic? I think the answer is yes, but I'm not sure our culture agrees with me. (I'm accustomed to being in conflict with our culture.)

[Lori Dee]

This may be my biggest struggle: Do I have the "right" to be transgender if I'm not suffering living as my assigned gender?

Do blue-eyed people have a right to have blue eyes? Most people on this planet have brown eyes. Does that mean you do not belong? Of course not, and yes, you have every right.

The problem is that we are born the way we are. Because society has not figured this out and learned to accept it, we have to learn to adapt. Some people will wear sunglasses, others will get colored contacts, and a few may even opt for surgery.

The degree of your dysphoria is what helps you decide the next step. Many transgender people are not dysphoric and do not take any steps to transition. Some sense that incongruity, even though it isn't bothersome, and takes steps to transition anyway. Some have severe dysphoria and feel the need for drastic action immediately. Everyone is different.

So, as Ashley has told us many times, go at your own pace. Do what you want or need to do. When you feel comfortable, you have transitioned - even without doing anything. The goal is to be the person you know that you are, whatever that means. Nothing more is required. 

[Pema]

Thank you. That's a good summary of how I feel and how I'm approaching it. I see it very much as "Would I feel more at ease, more whole if I continue to do what I'm doing now or if I make this change?" That's really how I've approached most of my life, and I see no reason to change strategies with this new, big challenge.

It all takes place in the context of a society, though. There are not only countless often conflicting messages about whether we're <whatever> enough to deserve <whatever> - messages we can absorb or disregard as we choose, but there are people upon whom we depend for access to resources who may use those biases to evaluate us. I'm confident enough about my "deservingness" but I don't know whether my circumstances appear urgent enough that I'd meet the requirements to be granted access to GAHC.

I guess I'll find out. I've so far been very pleasantly surprised by the receptions I've received.

[Lori Dee]

I don't know whether my circumstances appear urgent enough that I'd meet the requirements to be granted access to GAHC.

Many providers, including Planned Parenthood, use the "informed consent" model. You are old enough to decide what you want to do, and they accept that. Their only requirement is to "inform" you of any potential risks, side effects, etc. The VA spent the first three months making certain that I understood that the changes from hormones would be permanent, and that is what I wanted. I kept saying, "Sign me up!"