Why I gave up, am I to old? late 50's

[mickib]

At 57, newly single after 20+ years, I started HRT, I dove into the pool after flirting with...wanting to do it, afraid to do it for more than a decade. I let the estrogen run through me, and 5 weeks later, I crashed hard. I was emotional up and down daily and would wake up in the darkest place, crying, because to be real.. I was dealing with hormones, a divorce, my age, and reality that I'm alone in this.

I would look at cis women to get an idea of how to wear clothes, how to act, not in a weird creepy way but learning way, with their beautiful hips, and hair, and wearing clothes that I could not fill out the way they do naturally without spanx hip fillers etc..., and it made me sad.

I realized if I wanted hips I'd have to fake it. if I wanted boobs, it would be 1-2 years + breast augmentation, if I Wanted long hair, it would be through a wig. if I wanted to be passable, no prominent adams apple it would be a larnyx shave, and if I wanted to soften my face it would be FFS. and if I wanted to get those whats going on down there fixed, it would be an orchy, or more. And when I tried to get on lists to start discussing these things..here in oregon..waait lists, no response, voice mail, emails with out responses.

and I realized the HRT hormones weren't changing me over night, just making me depressed, crazy, weak, angry, emotional, sore nipples. They were not a magic wand I wanted them to soooo be.

and then I realized my age... I'm late 50's.. and someone said to me, "whats the point of you doing hormones at your age?, if you were a cis woman you'd be in perio-menopause" and that stuck in my head, rented space and lived there. till I crashed.

I went home gave my ex of the 250 $ of makeup I had bought but not used yet, boxed up hundreds of dollars of clothes, wigs, pieces, and dropped them off at goodwill. Canceled my online HRT, cancelled my electrolysis appointment, removed the nail polish, told everyone I had come out to I was not doing it and was done, that I am a trans woman but I would not be transitioning. this happened 2 months ago roughly. and then I boxed it up in my head and tried to just be me... and no surprise.. its still with me. and now I'm here.

so my question.. can I transition at 57 physically and outwardly and be find a lover, a partner...be sexual? desirable as a woman, be intimate, make love as the real me? have/grow hips? boobs?

and I do realize some of this WOULD require surgery and augmentations, and hair.. wigs for life, I'm flat out BALD.  Its just a reality. I want to... I want to change... but I'm not sure I can at my age be sexy and beautiful and be a lover as me, a trans woman fully female presenting.

Does that make any sense? be real with me, can I become what I'd like to be.. have hips, boobs, be a sexy sexual woman at 58,59,60+ or am I just going to become a grandma?

[ChrissyRyan]

Micki,


I am sure you will receive a number of helpful replies.
There are many of us and we have had a number of experiences.
We have had doubts, purging of feminine related things, and wondering if age was significant for transitioning.

You may wish to join a transgender support group and consider looking into gender therapy, as both may be helpful.

Stay tuned!


Chrissy

[Annaliese]

Micki, I can only for speak me, I am 66 and can relate to some of the things you mentioned in your post. Maybe not everything, but we all have had these questions or something similar. I knew this was not going to be a easy road to travel. I had so many doubts like you, maybe not the same, but similar in anxiety levels.  I only knew what my desires were. How I was going to get there, I had no idea. I will say that it was and still is scary. But I know it is a road I have to travel. When I found Susan's,  it was a blessing for me. If you listen, wander around the numerous pages here you may find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. There are many of us here to help and share your journey with you. I was so lost and by no means am I a expert, but I have garnered so much from everyone here.
On that I will say be patient with yourself and you will find yourself at home here. Hugs Annaliese

[Lori Dee]

Again, you are trying to rush things. This is not a magic wand, and you will not see results overnight. Hormone therapy takes a minimum of six months to start physical changes, once your hormone levels are within the correct range. Think of it this way: When women start puberty, that is when their hormones kick in. Do they grow boobs and hips overnight? No. It takes years. Some are still growing when they turn 18, or even 20.

I got my diagnosis when I was 60 and started hormones at 62. Now I am about to turn 68!

You are worrying too much about "passing" and not focusing on what you feel. There are plenty of women who do not have curvy hips or are small-chested. That doesn't make them less feminine. Femininity is more about behavior; how you walk, talk, dress, and speak. Those have nothing to do with hormones. Alopecia (hair loss) is something women experience, too. I enjoy wearing wigs. I can change hair color or style in seconds. Do I NEED it? No, usually I wear a hat. Hair transplants are also possible. But when I dress up to go somewhere, I am more comfortable in a wig.

It is not about how you look. It is about how you feel. As you said in another post, it is time to pump the brakes. This is a lifelong process. Start at the beginning with a therapist, then move to hormones. I think you are getting ahead of yourself. Baby steps. One foot after the other. Relax.

[mickib]

You may wish to join a transgender support group and consider looking into gender therapy, as both may be helpful.

I agree with you . I have a meeting setup, with an MD/Psychiatrist that specializes in Gender Identity issues, but first time they can see me is August. *Sigh*, gonna call their scheduler and ask them to consider me in any cancellations.  And...I would really like to find a local support group, people more my age gonna work on that, this weekend.

[mickib]

Thanks Lori, def trying to pump breaks.  I been thinking about this for so long. just wondering what others have found regarding comments like I have faced that, derailed, or caused doubt, that led to shutdown and reboot. sort of where I'm at...at the moment. I do have a real therapist session coming, August. gonna try to get in to see them sooner.

[D'Amalie]

Again, you are trying to rush things. This is not a magic wand, and you will not see results overnight. Hormone therapy takes a minimum of six months to start physical changes, once your hormone levels are within the correct range. Think of it this way: When women start puberty, that is when their hormones kick in. Do they grow boobs and hips overnight? No. It takes years. Some are still growing when they turn 18, or even 20.

Perfectly stated.

[tgirlamg]

At 57, newly single after 20+ years, I started HRT, I dove into the pool after flirting with...wanting to do it, afraid to do it for more than a decade. I let the estrogen run through me, and 5 weeks later, I crashed hard. I was emotional up and down daily and would wake up in the darkest place, crying, because to be real.. I was dealing with hormones, a divorce, my age, and reality that I'm alone in this.

I would look at cis women to get an idea of how to wear clothes, how to act, not in a weird creepy way but learning way, with their beautiful hips, and hair, and wearing clothes that I could not fill out the way they do naturally without spanx hip fillers etc..., and it made me sad.

I realized if I wanted hips I'd have to fake it. if I wanted boobs, it would be 1-2 years + breast augmentation, if I Wanted long hair, it would be through a wig. if I wanted to be passable, no prominent adams apple it would be a larnyx shave, and if I wanted to soften my face it would be FFS. and if I wanted to get those whats going on down there fixed, it would be an orchy, or more. And when I tried to get on lists to start discussing these things..here in oregon..waait lists, no response, voice mail, emails with out responses.

and I realized the HRT hormones weren't changing me over night, just making me depressed, crazy, weak, angry, emotional, sore nipples. They were not a magic wand I wanted them to soooo be.

and then I realized my age... I'm late 50's.. and someone said to me, "whats the point of you doing hormones at your age?, if you were a cis woman you'd be in perio-menopause" and that stuck in my head, rented space and lived there. till I crashed.

I went home gave my ex of the 250 $ of makeup I had bought but not used yet, boxed up hundreds of dollars of clothes, wigs, pieces, and dropped them off at goodwill. Canceled my online HRT, cancelled my electrolysis appointment, removed the nail polish, told everyone I had come out to I was not doing it and was done, that I am a trans woman but I would not be transitioning. this happened 2 months ago roughly. and then I boxed it up in my head and tried to just be me... and no surprise.. its still with me. and now I'm here.

so my question.. can I transition at 57 physically and outwardly and be find a lover, a partner...be sexual? desirable as a woman, be intimate, make love as the real me? have/grow hips? boobs?

and I do realize some of this WOULD require surgery and augmentations, and hair.. wigs for life, I'm flat out BALD.  Its just a reality. I want to... I want to change... but I'm not sure I can at my age be sexy and beautiful and be a lover as me, a trans woman fully female presenting.

Does that make any sense? be real with me, can I become what I'd like to be.. have hips, boobs, be a sexy sexual woman at 58,59,60+ or am I just going to become a grandma?

Micki,

Deep breath sister!... You can do whatever you want with all of this... It is your life and you hold the steering wheel... This place is filled with people who came to transition around, or past, the half century mark... myself included... At the heart of this, all that is needed is to walk out the door each day and be ourselves but,...do we all have fears and needs in the area of how we appear to others? ... of course!

I am going to copy and paste a reply of mine I made on page 2 of my blog (link to my blog is at the bottom of my signature line below) to forum member @Stepanie.FR on this same subject...

"Stephanie!🇫🇷

This is as fine a place as any to talk about anything and everything on your mind about what lies between where you are now in your life...and where you would like to be in the days, months and years to come... 🌻

The main reason I am here on this forum is to help others see that what they seek is well within their grasp to make happen... it usually lies on the other side of some deep fears but, all fears can be navigated and as we come to see that we can conquer those fears... we come to understand our own personal power within our own life... Our lives are no longer things that happen to us... our lives are what we make them to be.🌻

I think that everyone here who has moved forward has had fears in the area which currently concerns you...how we will look and how we will be treated by others because of how we look... yet take a look around this forum and you will see the stories and pictures of your sisters who have made it all work... Who have built glorious new lives and are so glad they chose to try.🌻

The path of transition touches every part of our life and our interplay with others and the world... I think that at the beginning we tend to focus on the outer body/face journey when truly, I believe, the lions share of this consists of the inner journey and changes with how we process emotions and see ourselves and our place in the scheme of life. I think as the changes happen within.. they begin to be seen by others in our face... our expressions... the way we move etc🌻

No one here went from their male life to living in whatever level of feminine expression they chose overnight...it all takes time but, I believe you'll find it to be the best spent time of your life... We are all unique and your answers of how to best express yourself to the world will be as unique and beautiful as you little sister.🌻

In my own case, I was very determined to make it all happen as quickly as possible... my realization at age 52 that I must remake my life, and the decision to do so, was almost made on the spot without much pondering whether I should or not... I knew it was really the only path available to me that could lead to a life that held true meaning and connection for me... Within a few short months I was on hormones, engaged in hair removal, had dental work to fix my smile (because I knew I would be doing lots of that) ...having a trach shave and living fulltime femme except at work... just past the one year mark of hrt, I started 2015 with 11.5 hours of FFS... GRS 4 months later and another 11.5 hour FFS 6 months after that... 2015 was a workout! 😅

Anyway... all those things I did and yet, if I hadn't been able to do any of it... I would still be living my true life... in the end.. all there is to all this is walking out the door each day, and being yourself... 🌻  I think we tend to go into this viewing the changes we imagine in the most complicated terms... but, it is only as complicated as we make it... I would love to help you find your way with all this stuff Stephanie... Your answers are out there and will be worth all your efforts expended to find them 💕🤗💕"

Micki... I started at age 52... and am now 64... I had FFS and bottom surgery early on and move through an amazing and joyous daily life without issue... the things we seek are far more easily accessed with a positive mindset than telling ourselves they are too difficult to achieve... There are a few pictures here in reply #1585

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,242326.1580.html

that demonstrate where a positive mindset got me... I think I am doing pretty good for a 64 year old and I think you can make this journey into a life that will serve you far better than where you now find yourself dear sister... you'll find pics throughout that same thread of folks who have transformed their lives so that they now see "her" when they look in the mirror... hence... all the smiles! 😀

Also, in my blog, you'll find a few "before" pics of me in the years right before transition...

Much is possible in the outer transformation if that is what we choose to focus on... I did at the beginning because I thought I had to but, in retrospect... I would still be living an amazing and rewarding life had I not focused on it at all...

Thought and intent is the first step to bringing things into reality...

I am wishing you peace as you seek out the things in all this you need most...

Onward Brave Sister...

Ashley 💕

[KathyLauren]

One answer is simple: no, you are not too old.  I started at 62.  Many others here have started later.

The rest gets more complicated.  What won't work is having a wish list and expecting that a magic wand like HRT is going to fulfill all those wishes.  The boob fairy may be generous with you, or she may not.  Likewise for all those wishes: some may come true, others not so much.  A useful attitude is to remember that any improvement is an improvement over what went before.

I got breasts quickly: they started growing within two months.  But they stopped growing at six months.  I have had some continuous development over the years since then, but they are only up to an honest A cup.  I would have been happier with a B, but my As are pretty darned cute, and a lot better than what I started with.

I had some hip development by way of fat redistribution.  It took seven years for it to happen, though.  Still, my figure is better than it was before.

My voice isn't going to change.  I took some voice lessons, and I think my speech pattern is more feminine, but the underlying resonance is what it is.  Realistic expectations.

My hairline stopped receding.  But it is never going to grow back.  Realistic expectations, again.

My face feminized very subtly, but the change was noticeable in the mirror after a year.  That was something that I wasn't expecting, and that took me by surprise.

The biggest effect of hormones was the reduction of the "mental static" that went with pretending to be male.  I was always wondering if I was playing the role well enough.  Now that I am the real me, I don't wonder about role-playing at all.

Your mileage may vary, of course.  The point is that you will drive yourself crazy if you go in with a shopping list.  There will be some "must have" items.  But many of the changes that people want should be in the "nice to have" category, because there are no guarantees.  Even surgery gives variable results that are not the same for everyone.

As for how those variable results will affect your social life, that is different for everyone, too.  Will you be able to have a fulfilling sex life?  None of us can say.  It is possible, but not guaranteed.

Hang in there until you can get a therapist appointment.  That will make the biggest difference of all.

[Pema]

@KathyLauren, thank you. That was such a concise, informative, and thoughtful post for me. I learned so much and felt so much from such a brief but detailed summary. Just lovely.

[Sephirah]

and I realized the HRT hormones weren't changing me over night, just making me depressed, crazy, weak, angry, emotional, sore nipples. They were not a magic wand I wanted them to soooo be.

That's the unfortunate truth, Micki. Nothing about this is a magic wand. I would venture every person here has had that same wish. That there was something out there which, in a split second, would let you be who you see in your mind.

Listen to the people here. They have a collective wisdom that's really hard to beat. All I would add to the fantastic advice is... the only time it's ever too late to do anything is when you're in the ground. Or in an urn on someone's mantlepiece. Before then... you can be and do anything. Sometimes it isn't the way we want, in a perfect world. But then nothing ever really is. Accepting yourself is more than having a destination in mind before you start. It's being okay with wherever you end up. And knowing wherever that is, you did your best to be true to yourself.

*big hugs*

[Allie Jayne]

I think too many of us focus on what might be after transition and forget just why we are doing it. To completely change your life requires a pretty serious discomfort with how you are. This is dysphoria, and it is a serious condition which can affect our health. We need to reduce dysphoria, and while transition is accepted as the most effective long term treatment, it is not something we must jump into straight away.

There are many other ways to affirm our identified gender, and reduce dysphoria As everybody is different, we should explore what works for us. Sure, if things like adopting an affirming online identity, or spending short periods presenting as your identified self are not giving you the peace you need, transition might be what you need, but approach it with the attitude of doing what you need to get dysphoria back to liveable levels. It's about the journey to what we need rather than achieving some stereotypical image.

Hugs,

Allie

[Sephirah]

I think too many of us focus on what might be after transition and forget just why we are doing it. To completely change your life requires a pretty serious discomfort with how you are. This is dysphoria, and it is a serious condition which can affect our health. We need to reduce dysphoria, and while transition is accepted as the most effective long term treatment, it is not something we must jump into straight away.

There are many other ways to affirm our identified gender, and reduce dysphoria As everybody is different, we should explore what works for us. Sure, if things like adopting an affirming online identity, or spending short periods presenting as your identified self are not giving you the peace you need, transition might be what you need, but approach it with the attitude of doing what you need to get dysphoria back to liveable levels. It's about the journey to what we need rather than achieving some stereotypical image.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie is 100% right. I am someone who can't transition. And she is so right in that it's doing what you can do to get the gnawing ache inside yourself to be subdued. By whatever means. For me... yeah, it isn't HRT because I am so broken that the risks of it are too much for any doctor to want to shoulder. It's other things. Being accepted by people here is one of the big ones.

I kind of have to fight for my life outside of here... but here... I never do. And that makes me happier and more thankful than I can probably ever express. I am a northern lass... so I can give as good as I get, but that doesn't make it easier. I get tired.

Allie is a very wise lady. It is about the journey. It's about what works for you. What makes you feel okay. It isn't about finding euphoria as much as it is about removing dysphoria. If finding euphoria was so easy... we'd all do it.

[Tills]

@mickib there are some wonderful replies here with such good advice.

The choice is yours and no one else's. And there's nothing much I can add to the excellence of the responses. But I'll echo this:

- We've probably all been in your position in some form or other. Moments of doubt.

- The world is very appearance obsessed. I fall into this. Many of us do. But, hey, that's the world of women too. Very sadly. Many many females of all ages go through similar moments.

- Living a beautiful life in accordance with how the world wants to interpret that is hard work. You don't have to conform to it. You can still be you regardless of what the world thinks.

- And that's ultimately, at the level of core truth, all that actually matters. That you are being authentic. True to you. If you can, even as your skin grows physically softer, let ii become metaphorically harder.

We're all here for you.

xx

[TanyaG]

Does that make any sense? be real with me, can I become what I'd like to be.. have hips, boobs, be a sexy sexual woman at 58,59,60+ or am I just going to become a grandma?

The hardest thing I believe any of us do is to accept we are trans. Only when we have reached that point can we look forward and map out the next stage of our journey. The challenge is that only after completing each stage can we see the next, including compromises that must be made to accommodate where we are now with where we would like to be.

The art of compromise is one of the keys to enjoying life. What can we have with the resources we have at our disposal? What constitutes an unreachable ideal? What is sitting under our noses that we can have with a change of mindset at no expense? What changes in my thinking can I make in order to experience maximum happiness?

Better, for instance to have a peaceful and beautiful mind than to have a beautiful body, because the latter ages. Neither of the former have a sell by date.

[Tills]

The hardest thing I believe any of us do is to accept we are trans.

Strictly speaking the hardest thing I had to do was accept I was a woman, not that I was 'trans'. I am not trans anything.

= my core truth.

 

xx

[ChrissyRyan]

It seems like advancing age is not a big barrier for transitioning.
Physical changes happen to everyone as we age.  It seems logical that would cause
Transition related changes to not be the same as when starting transitioning at 18.

The mind and well being though is important at all ages.

I hope that responses made here to you are helpful.

Chrissy

[TanyaG]

Strictly speaking the hardest thing I had to do was accept I was a woman, not that I was 'trans'. I am not trans anything.

As it will surely be for you, but for those of us who are non-binary, it's not that deal, if you can see what I mean?

[Maid Marion]

You say you are newly single at 57.
You need time to process your loss.
This isn't the time for risky surgical interventions.
You can be expected to live for another 24 years.
There are calculators that can give a better estimate based on your current health and other factors.

[mickib]

I reread all the replies and my own post, and want to thank you all for your support and advice and wisdom.

Speaking solely for myself, and thinking about who/what I am, I am a transgender woman, and I like the way the book "whipping girl" characterizes being and identity. So...just where I land with how I see myself and want others to see me.

Others used the great analogy of climbing everest.. I so like this! I even used it to help a friend that was in distress about another problem they face. For myself I'm using it and I do see my journey as an Everest climb, maybe a "Hero's Journey" / Odyssey. Right now my foes are the @#%#% politics happening affecting care, and navigating the rough waters in search of a local Gender affirming care provider / PCP that will see me. As a general share...I re-contacted OHSU, and the response I got is what I expected. A Copy/paste a list of links/phone numbers with  "we have super long wait times and are overwhelmed and you need to get a OHSU recognized PCP that will see you and then have them refer you to us...good luck." checking the links some don't work, others work but "were not taking new patients", other references are far away, others maybe. first I'm going to try some other more local leads but...its so daunting.

Again thank you all for your support you have given me strength and new ways of looking at my challenges. you all are awesome!