A transguy but lesbian

[Borhan010]

I'm a trans guy and I feel horrible. After seven years on T, I don't feel like I'm man enough, especially when it comes to women. I've had almost nine relationships that all ended badly. They say it's about us not being compatible with each other, but the truth is I know it's because I haven't had the genital surgery.
I always wanted a full transition and to live as any other cis guy, and to not even mention that I'm trans. I feel like once you do, people start treating you differently. I feel bad and I hate my lower body. I feel ashamed. I can't even afford top surgery, but luckily I had a very small chest that became flat after T. Plus, I'm muscular, so I'm manly and tall, and women become obsessed with me. But once they find out I don't have a dick, they just go away.
They say that love is the most important thing and that physical parts aren't important, but that's a lie when it comes to reality, especially with trans women. That part is the most important for them. Once they know, they stop talking to you. (I'm not gay, I love women.) Some feminine gay men have also tried to approach me, and when they find out, they just run away.
I can't afford phalloplasty, and I don't think it would even be enough, like a normal genital would be. I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk because I have no one to talk to about this. I've stopped looking for a relationship because I know it always becomes awkward, and they just run away when they know. It's like no woman wants you to touch her with "female parts." The last one told me to "stop lying to yourself, yes you're a trans guy but we're having lesbian sex."
I feel hated and ashamed of myself.

[CosmicJoke]

I'm a trans guy and I feel horrible. After seven years on T, I don't feel like I'm man enough, especially when it comes to women. I've had almost nine relationships that all ended badly. They say it's about us not being compatible with each other, but the truth is I know it's because I haven't had the genital surgery.
I always wanted a full transition and to live as any other cis guy, and to not even mention that I'm trans. I feel like once you do, people start treating you differently. I feel bad and I hate my lower body. I feel ashamed. I can't even afford top surgery, but luckily I had a very small chest that became flat after T. Plus, I'm muscular, so I'm manly and tall, and women become obsessed with me. But once they find out I don't have a dick, they just go away.
They say that love is the most important thing and that physical parts aren't important, but that's a lie when it comes to reality, especially with trans women. That part is the most important for them. Once they know, they stop talking to you. (I'm not gay, I love women.) Some feminine gay men have also tried to approach me, and when they find out, they just run away.
I can't afford phalloplasty, and I don't think it would even be enough, like a normal genital would be. I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk because I have no one to talk to about this. I've stopped looking for a relationship because I know it always becomes awkward, and they just run away when they know. It's like no woman wants you to touch her with "female parts." The last one told me to "stop lying to yourself, yes you're a trans guy but we're having lesbian sex."
I feel hated and ashamed of myself.

Hi! I don't know what to say other than that reading this resonated with me on so many levels. I am an MtF and my boyfriend of 13 years recently dumped me because of exactly the reasons you said. I know it's a compatibility issue but I do wonder if I had my surgery he wouldn't have dumped me.

It is tough. I try so hard to be strong and not take things personally, but I also feel like not enough people really talk about this.

I hope you hang around because I would love to talk more with you about this!

[Lori Dee]

Hello Borhan,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I see that this is your first post. I have moved it from Transgender Talk forum to Introductions.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

It sounds like you are having a tough time. Relationships can be tricky. I have been married three times and now I am happily single. We have a goal in our mind of what the "perfect" relationship looks like, then we get frustrated when we fail to achieve that. This is perfectly normal.

Many people want their relationship to be based mostly on appearances. Those relationships rarely work out. There must be the compatibility that you mentioned. We achieve that by just being ourselves. No pretenses, just honesty. Yes, many will run away. But do you want a relationship with someone who can't accept you for just being you? Just be patient, be yourself, and someone will find you.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who has experience in gender identities. They can help you through these rough times. It is much nicer to be able to talk to someone who understands in a private face-to-face meeting than chatting with strangers online. Such a therapist provides you with answers as you explore this part of your life, provides recommendations for surgery, and can help you explore the complexities of human relationships.

Of course, we are here to provide you with a safe space and support as much as we can. We have many members with similar experiences, and hopefully you can learn from their stories.

I mentioned earlier that I moved your post to our Introductions forum. This site is huge, so it can be difficult to navigate.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.

Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at    LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@Borhan010
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Susan]

Borhan010m

I hear the deep pain in your words, and what you're experiencing is genuinely difficult. That comment about "lesbian sex" was cruel and wrong—you are a man, and that truth isn't erased by anatomy.

Here's something important to hold onto: rejection isn't the same as being unworthy. When someone can't see you as the man you are, that's their problem, not yours. Their issues are not your failure. If someone's first priority is your anatomy, they're simply not your person—and that clears the way for people who will truly want to connect with you.

On a practical level, you may have better luck focusing your dating efforts on cishet women rather than seeking solely within lesbian spaces. Cishet women who are attracted to men are more likely to see you as the man you are from the start, without some of the complicated dynamics that can arise for trans men in lesbian communities. Including bi and pansexual women can expand your possibilities too, as they're often more familiar with gender diversity and less focused on specific anatomy requirements.

It may also help to let relationships develop naturally—allowing someone to get to know the real you before navigating the complexities of sexual intimacy. When people see your personality, humor, values, and character first, they're more likely to approach physical intimacy from a place of genuine care rather than preconceived expectations.

Dating apps and spaces where you can be upfront about being trans from the beginning can also make things easier, since you'll be connecting with people who are already open to that reality. Look for LGBTQ-friendly environments that aren't exclusively lesbian-focused—places where your identity as a man won't be questioned.

You mentioned feeling ashamed and alone. Shame thrives in silence, but speaking openly like you did here pushes back against that isolation. I've known trans men who found deeply fulfilling relationships with women who don't just tolerate them, but celebrate them. You're not broken, and you're not destined to be alone. The right partners will meet you with respect, not dismissal.

When you find the right person, they will value your strength and recognize the man you forged yourself into through these struggles.

—Susan

[Maid Marion]

It seems to me that you are focusing on physical attraction and avoiding unresolved emotional issues so that when women attempts to connect on an emotional level, the relationship blows up.  Seems to me that you need to find peace with yourself on some level before you can form a successful relationship.

Marion

[tgirlamg]

Welcome Aboard Brother!

Some wise words in the posts above!... I know you will find your way to the things you seek!

Hugs!

Ashley 💕

[Sephirah]

Here's something important to hold onto: rejection isn't the same as being unworthy. When someone can't see you as the man you are, that's their problem, not yours. Their issues are not your failure.

This is probably the wisest and most insightful thing you will ever hear, honey. And something you need to take to heart. This also applies to everyone else. Dude, girl, non-binary, whoever you are. Issues people have with you are heavily weighted within themselves. Not necessarily with you. If a relationship doesn't work out, don't automatically think you are to blame. Everyone is equally messed up and have things to work through. That absolutely does not mean you are not worth being loved, and being loved for who you are.

When you find that person, not if.. it will all be worth it.

*giant hugs*

[Maid Marion]

It can be hard to find someone with the same relationship goals.  It may not work out because your goals are different.