Coming out

[Toni71]

I am a man of 71 years old. I have struggled all my life with the desire to be female. As a young man, I grew up in an environment where the idea of a man becoming a woman was, to be honest, not tolerated—to put it mildly. So I grew a beard, got tattooed, put it to the back of my mind, and got on with dating women. I eventually married, and we had two daughters. We have been married for 48 years now.

But many times during our marriage those old feelings kept creeping into my mind, to the point where I began building up a secret stash of female attire and makeup. Every so often I would take off on an alleged business trip and book into a hotel—usually a Travelodge—so that I could do the whole transformation to satisfy my need to be feminine.

On one of those occasions I wondered how it would feel to have sex with another man, so I went online and made contact with a guy who was older than me and arranged for him to meet me at my hotel. To cut a long story short, we met; I was fully transformed; we had a wonderful night together, and I loved every minute of it.

So now I realised I was bisexual, and I continued to take off on my away days, as I still do now—but not as often as before.

I am now retired and have got to the point in my life where I really don't want to spend the last part of my life as a man; I really want to live out my last years as the female I've always felt I was.

My problem is a huge one: how do I come out to my wife and daughters without totally destroying the relationship I have with them?

[ChrissyRyan]

Welcome Toni!


Chrissy

[Susan]

Thank you for trusting us with something so profound. What you describe—growing up where your truth wasn't tolerated, suppressing it to "get on with life," only to feel it resurface again and again—mirrors the experience of many women of your generation. Wanting to spend the years ahead as the woman you've always known yourself to be isn't sudden; it is a longstanding truth that deserves respect.

It's understandable that your deepest concern is your wife and daughters. A useful approach is to prepare for difficult possibilities while hoping for the best. Your wife may feel hurt by years of secrecy and consider separation; your daughters may initially feel they "never really knew" you. Anger, confusion, or requests for distance can be early reactions, and some relationships take time—sometimes a long time—to rebuild. Early responses, however, do not always predict where people will land once they have space to process.

Before any conversations, put support in place. A therapist experienced in transgender care and family dynamics can help you find language that is faithful to your life while keeping the focus on love and trust. It is also prudent to think through practical needs if your wife asks for space: where you would stay, how finances would work in the short term, and which local LGBTQ+ resources or peer groups you can lean on. Having a trusted friend available after the first talks can make those hours steadier.

When you speak with your wife, do so privately and unhurriedly. Be clear and kind: "I'm transgender. I've always felt like a woman inside." Acknowledge the impact: "I know this touches every part of our family." Offer time: "You don't need to respond now—take whatever time you need." Framing this as a lifelong truth, rather than something new, situates it within the story you have built together. Some people begin with a letter so their spouse can read, pause, and return with questions when ready.

You do not have to disclose everything at once. Begin with the core truths: your love for your family, your enduring commitment to them, and your need to live honestly after decades of hiding. Let additional details unfold in response to their questions and readiness. Many families do adapt, even after shock and grief. The decades you have invested as a partner and parent remain real; they do not vanish. People often surprise us with acceptance once they have time to understand.

None of this is easy, and relationships will change. Yet living authentically at 71 is deeply worthwhile—you have carried this long enough. Whatever pace you choose, you deserve support, safety, and dignity. You do not have to navigate this alone.

Hoping for the best! 
— Susan

[Maid Marion]

Welcome Toni,

There is no easy path ahead of you.  All paths are hard.  I wish you well.

I had a stroke and had an easy path.  In the USA you can go on disability if you have accumulated forty quarters or Ten years of paying into Social Security.  I was working as an engineer which has a reasonably good starting salary and would have gotten a much better than average disability check. Instead I fully recovered and continue to work another 25 years!  It was tough because I got no accomodations at work from having a stroke.

Marion

[Toni71]

I would just like to say thank you for all your positive feedback and support I know it's going to be a tough difficult road but it's my last chance and one that I feel I really have to take,I will be back from time to time with updates but for now I wish you all peace and love in your journeys towards your own personal goals xxx Toni71

[Lori Dee]

Hello Toni,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

You are among friends here. We have many members who have been exactly where you are now. We get it because we have been there. Perhaps as you read some of our members' stories, you will find something that clicks for you. We all share a common path, but the journey is unique to each individual, depending on their goals, situation, and circumstances. Just know that we are here to offer support in any way we can.

My first advice is always the same: if you are not currently doing so, seek out a therapist with experience in Gender Identities. They can help you get the answers you seek, be a friendly face to talk to about very personal issues, and provide advice about how to explain this to your family. When you become comfortable doing so, it is not a bad idea to invite your wife to one of your therapy sessions. This allows her to hear the questions that you ask and the answers from a professional. It allows her to ask questions, so you know what is on her mind. And the two of you can work through this together.

Honesty is the best policy, and sooner is better than later. I heard the accusation that if I had known this for so long, why did I hide it from them? These are the kinds of questions you must prepare for.

Not everyone will understand or even be willing to try. But it is their decision, not yours, to make. We have many members here who transitioned during their marriage and are still happily married. Others have not been so lucky.

Just remember, this will be a shock to them, so as Susan said, give them time to process. Since it is their decision how they will handle it, let them handle it in their own way. Be yourself so they see that you are still you. Offer to help them understand, answer questions as best you can. If you don't know the answer, tell them that and that you will find the answer for them. This is where the therapy offer comes in. Let them get the answers from an expert, not from YouTube.

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~ Lori Dee
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@Toni71
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[AlisonM]

Hello, Toni, and welcome to Susan's Place!  We are glad you are here and hope you will find, as I did and do, a supportive, loving community.  I hope you are soon able to see your dream come to fruition!!

[Lilis]

Hi Toni,

Welcome to Susan's Place! 💓


~ Lilis 🌷

[Ciara]

Hi Toni
It's lovely to meet you. Welcome to Susans Place.
Your story is so similar to my own story, and the stories of so many women here. I'm 66 and retired. I too yearn to spend the rest of my life openly as a woman. I have a wife, two children and two grandchildren and I too fear losing them all.
I have not come out to them.
I wish you love and happiness wherever your journey takes you. We are always here to listen and offer support ❤️.

Ciara.

[Alana Ashleigh]

Hi Toni

Alana

[Dances With Trees]

A pleasure to meet you, Toni.