The Androgynee Enlightenment Process

[Nero]

Howdy doo guys, dolls, etc.

It's your friend Nero here continuing his quest for understanding of you rare and lovely beings.

Quite curious about the self realization process of androgynees.
I understand that many of you identified as women, as transsexual for a time. I'm curious as to how you first came to that conclusion, and then how and why you realized it wasn't right.
So indulge me.

your friend,
the all-inquisitive Nero

[nigno]

Hi Nero,
For me, it was a feeling that I don't feel like a man.... therefore I must be a woman. That felt different but still not right. I had no interest in "passing" or being a girly-girl, I just wanted to like myself. I started taking 'mones and enjoyed the the feelings that they gave me. Then I realised that I was not taking them for the right reasons and that I am as much male as female.... half male and half female is not a whole of anything in the bi-gender world... so I thought I was nothing...

Finally I applied the description of the word androgyne to myself.  It felt as if a door had opened in a dark hallway and the light of understanding flooded into me... I am like the pre-op TS who does not want to be male; however I don't believe I am female, and that is where I part company with the TS way of thinking...

hope this helps

Nigno

[Seshatneferw]

I understand that many of you identified as women, as transsexual for a time. I'm curious as to how you first came to that conclusion, and then how and why you realized it wasn't right.

That's true for several of us, but by no means all.

As for me, I still am not completely sure. For a while I considered myself an MtF TS, although one in the milder end of the scale: it's been clear to me at least since puberty (and longer, I think) that I'd really have the other kind of body, and that there is a great deal of masculine behaviour that I just cannot learn. So far so good?

The other realisation came sometime last summer, when it dawned on me that there's also a great deal of feminine behaviour that is just about as hard for me to learn as the masculinity. In terms of gender -- that is, socially -- I am about as close to the middle as I can get, and I prefer to stay there. I have no desire to transition, so by definition I am not a transsexual. If gender and sex were less tightly coupled I'd love to change my physical sex to match my inner view of it, though.

The main point remains that for me being an androgyne is a matter of gender, not sex.

  Nfr

[Nero]

If gender and sex were less tightly coupled I'd love to change my physical sex to match my inner view of it, though.

Interesting. May I ask what your inner view of your physical sex would be?

[Seshatneferw]

Interesting. May I ask what your inner view of your physical sex would be?

Female, no question about that. I do appreciate the ability to have a heterosexual relationship with the person I love, and having a penis is a price I'm willing to pay, but it's definitely a price I'm paying. I'd much rather switch if that were an option.

  Nfr

[Shana A]

I never felt right as a boy, although I didn't know what to call that feeling. I was considered a sissy by others, and when I was sometimes "mistaken" for a girl, that felt good. In 1993 I had an awakening to myself as transgender, and embarked on the transition path.

During RLE, living in the world as a woman felt right to me, more right than living as a "man" ever had, however there were various things that started to hint that I wasn't quite like other TS people I met. For one, I quickly stopped caring about passing, it just didn't seem worth the effort. I also started to question whether I really wanted to go through immense expense and tethering myself to the medical establishment to change my body. While I still feel that I'd rather have a female body/appearance, the body I have is functional and I can usually deal with it.

I often look at being transgender as an interesting and unusual spiritual gift from the universe, and so my quest is figuring out how I can be and express who I am with the body I have. I feel more like a third gender, not male, not female either, something else entirely. All is subject to change though, I don't discount the possibility that I could wake up one day and decide to transition again. Sometimes living out in the middle of nowhere isn't so easy...

y2g

[Simone Louise]

Once again the dinner hour looms, so must be brief. I don't know yet whether I am androgyne or TS to be.

I too knew that it is a delight to be thought female: eg., when the wait-person addresses wife, daughter, and me as ladies, or the person on the phone, hearing my voice, calls me Ms.

My closest friends tend to be female. Always have been. Closest is my wife, and I do enjoy our sex life, though I'm not sure whether I would care if it were not heterosexual. Most frustrating to me is when the male body is a barrier to social relations with women. I chafe at being treated as one of the enemy. Besides, the male body just doesn't fit my inner image of myself. I'd say I consider myself a 12 year-old, except I've learned to enjoy sex.

Simone

[Pica Pica]

About this time last year I went mental because of death in the family, losing my freedom and my friends in coming back home and generally feeling cramped. I kept coming back to this sensation that had been following me since I can remember, the feeling that I was not a proper person, that I was half human.

Somehow I followed this feeling to gender, learned about TS people, decided that was it. I looked at my past and retconned it so I felt female all through my life, ignoring the male bits. Was certain, came out to close friends, family and GP.

Thank the Snails for inefficiency of the NHS, it gave me time to reflect, to ponder an' all that. I still had the feeling of wrongness as a female in myself. But with added pressure of a lot of change, aggro and upset.

Then I discovered androgyne, and I thought it was a dump bin for everyone else. The loser's pit.

But you know it made kind of sense.

So I found a site with a more thriving androgyne community (here) and read and wrote and learnt different ways of looking at androgyne till I had a perfect fit.

And you know what I feel legitimate for the first time, like a whole person...so whatever my little problems are, androgyne helps.

[Nero]

About this time last year I went mental because of death in the family, losing my freedom and my friends in coming back home and generally feeling cramped. I kept coming back to this sensation that had been following me since I can remember, the feeling that I was not a proper person, that I was half human.

Somehow I followed this feeling to gender, learned about TS people, decided that was it. I looked at my past and retconned it so I felt female all through my life, ignoring the male bits. Was certain, came out to close friends, family and GP.

Thank the Snails for inefficiency of the NHS, it gave me time to reflect, to ponder an' all that. I still had the feeling of wrongness as a female in myself. But with added pressure of a lot of change, aggro and upset.

Then I discovered androgyne, and I thought it was a dump bin for everyone else. The loser's pit.

But you know it made kind of sense.

So I found a site with a more thriving androgyne community (here) and read and wrote and learnt different ways of looking at androgyne till I had a perfect fit.

And you know what I feel legitimate for the first time, like a whole person...so whatever my little problems are, androgyne helps.

You came out to everyone as a woman?

[Pica Pica]

3 friends, 2 parents a sister a dog and a GP

[Nero]

Why did you think you were a woman? Because you had no 'fix'?

[Pica Pica]

yes, and because there was something fundamentally awkward and wrong with how I approached things, and that thing seemed to be centred around gender. And the TS's were the only role models I found.

[Nero]

May I ask why you don't feel like a man?

[Jaiden]

I am still trying to figure some things out but I am female bodied and never really felt quite right being a female. When I was younger I felt that "ok well if I don't like being female, then I must want to be male.". It wasn't until I got older that I realized that I wouldn't be entirely happy being male either. So then I was just confused. It wasn't until I did more research about myself and TGism until I realized that this is where I fit. It just works for now.

I often look at being transgender as an interesting and unusual spiritual gift from the universe, and so my quest is figuring out how I can be and express who I am with the body I have. I feel more like a third gender, not male, not female either, something else entirely. All is subject to change though, I don't discount the possibility that I could wake up one day and decide to transition again. Sometimes living out in the middle of nowhere isn't so easy...
y2g

agree 

[nigno]

Pica, Jai,

YES Yes, yes  thank you. The words i could not find. For me this has nothing to do with procreation.  I know I slide across the spectrum; male wishing to be female, female wishing to be male, and very rarely stable in the middle (inner peace).

    "You have given birth to a beautiful,  androgyne baby"

No chance,
Trust a gender role on the poor thing.... "it's a boy"... and thats it, blue for the next 8 years  (I always liked green myself).
I think that it is about not being able to get in a box and then staying there.

On my more femme days I consider taking my (TS) partners pills..... and have done
Other days I berate myself for the very thought.

I know I am not fully male, but I'm not female either - only one place left for me   

in the middle

Nigno

[Pica Pica]

May I ask why you don't feel like a man?

It's not that, it's more that I do not feel that me as a man is enough, that to describe me needs more terminology than man. I work in a very masculine environment, in a pub near a stadium of one of the top football teams in the country, and to see 'man' is not a full description of me. I do not see men and think 'that is me' even effeminate men (oddly enough I find effeminate men a little creepy, no idea why). It's like a connection or a vision of oneself in a group...and I do not have that with men.

[Simone Louise]

It's like a connection or a vision of oneself in a group...and I do not have that with men.

If I understand you correctly, that goes for me, too. I cannot imagine being part of "a night out with the guys". And I refuse to join any organization that excludes women--for social justice reasons, yes, but mostly because I don't identify with them, I don't feel I'm one of them.

Simone

[Pica Pica]

I could go out for a night with the guys, and enjoy it. But it wouldn't make me a guy.

[Jaiden]

It's not that, it's more that I do not feel that me as a man is enough, that to describe me needs more terminology than man.

It's like a connection or a vision of oneself in a group...and I do not have that with men.

Well put. Couldn't have put it better. Cheers to that!!

[Emerald]

It's like a connection or a vision of oneself in a group...and I do not have that with men.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel about women.
While I can relate with virtually anyone (man or woman) on a one on one basis, I feel little connection with women as a collective group. The same apples to men as a collective group. I do not feel resonation or affinity with either gender group - nor do I envy the members of either gender group.

-Emerald