Femininity - SO's only

[Gill]

Hi

This was posted on another group I belong to and I found that it hit home.

During the transition process (MTF), as an SO did you find that you lost your femininity? Again we are probably trying to define what is femininity....and what it means to us.

For me I found that I didn't exactly loose it, but rather I go lost.  I was so focused on what was happening all around me that I forgot about myself.  I felt that I was perhaps in a competition, and that I wasn't winning.  The clothes I wore didn't exactly look great on me, and I used them more to hide away from public view.  The bigger the bulkier the better.

I find, after a year of full transition, now that issues are more in the open, I am feeling more confident about myself as a result I am taking better care of myself both mentally and physically.

I would be interested in knowing if other SO's felt this way.

Gill

[Alison]

I've never really dressed "Feminine" I'm very much a tshirt and jeans sorta person... since jaycie started transition i guess I really have taken a closer look at myself..  Its more as a result of her feeling "fat" when I outweigh her by 100lbs (..ok im curvy )  her self esteem is nil, so im constantly fluffing her ego hehe, but with good reason...

but yeah sometimes i feel frumpy   we spend all this money on makeup and all... and im still wearing 6 month old dilapidated bras, and stuff...

[Peggiann]

Good morning,
We have traveled about four days out of the last seven and I do most of the driving so it takes me a bit of time to catch up on sleep and such. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply,

I can't say I have lost any fem. I love being dressed and hair and make-up on just right. I have always done this. I got in a routine since young in modeling and competing in competions. Then on to sharing and helping others evolve to what they wanted in finding the look and putting the best them forword. So no I didn't loose this part.

One of the things I see is, that Leah doesn't have time and energy to work on projects we wanted. So those are being left by the way side. Such things as the remodeling, Or adding on of the sun room, or getting the green house up actually instead of in her head and in piles around the yard and she is building it from scratch. Then there is our room that is still in the just starting stage of redecorating and enlarging. I've waited for almost 25 years for our home to be the top priority. I realize these take money and priorities change but spending money on projects that don't get finished to save money for SRS is waistful too I think. Especially when soon we will have to hire the work done as Leah's strength is changing the longer she is on HRT. So that means more money out for these projects and less for what were are used to saving being able to spend on other things. Leah is frustrated by these as well. Not enough time for all to get done because the phone rings and a neighbor needs her help or to work on something for them. That's a hassle of being self employed and driven by earning more money. one doesn't always say NO I'm busy or tied up right now when maybe they should.

I think one of the area's I fall short on from time to time is our home. I let it go because we are busy running or I just don't think She cares because she is so occupied with working and doing for others, I guess I get to the point I don't care either. I go for months keeping it all up. Then some thing triggers an I don't feel like it anymore in me and I don't it's been this way through that spell of tears too. When these spells hit I just don't even do anything. Not even get dressed that day unless of course I have to go somewhere. I just experianced one of these spells that lasted for a few weeks. This going and seeing Grandbaby and then Down to meet Alison and Jaycie has helped in the having something to look forward too. I even think now that we have had the get away i'm ready to get caught up in the house more.

I'm sorry I got away from the subject some. But as I was answering it started coming out... guess it needed to.

Smiles,
Peggiann

P.S. I'm glad I have you Gill and Alison and the other few here to share with. It would be great if we had more of us and maybe in time some of the other members wifes will come join us!

[spouse]

If anything, I've become more feminine, or I do more feminine things. I actually have sexy lingere. I dress more girly--in dresses and skirts, more revealing tops, heels, etc. Though I work at home a lot, I like to get up and do my hair and make-up.

At the beginning of my husband's recent "crisis", we went to Walmart and just happened to cruise through the intimate section. He wanted panties. No problem. We got him panties. I got panties too. Then he wanted bras and found a garter he had to have. I got uncomfortable. It took all the joy I would normally get out of buying something mildly sexy for myself (and him). I wanted to be the GIRL!

[Peggiann]

I can relate to wanting to be the girl. That's when that feeling of the other woman come creeping in and taking some space that is yours and your not willing to share with her any room yet. Sorry but it happens. We have to be honest about it with them so they can understand where we are coming from. Well... communicate it to Lori. When your out buying something for you there is a time and place for setting the stage to not catch you off gaurd. When it buying something for her then it's for her. They have to be told when we think to far is to far. I know that sometimes we don't know just when that will be either but we do have to try. Tell her to go slow and take from your lead on what you can handle at what point. If Lori wants you and your marriage then she'll be patient and  learn to communicate and read your communications better.

Peggiann

[gina_taylor]

From my Mother's Point Of View:

When my mother found out that I was a transsexual and was storing all my feminine clothes in a trunk, she told me that it really made her feel very uneasy and that it mad eher feel like less of a woman to know that her son was wearing the same type of clothes that she was wearing. Then she told me that when she went to put on her makeup, she felt very uneasy about that as well, because of the same reasons. Unfortuantely the transition hasn't been easy. 

Gina 

[angelsgirl]

Ooh! I like this topic!  When I started dating Jocelyn, I had a little problem with wanting to "be the girl".  I had starting focusing really hard on treating Jocelyn like a girl (because nobody else had ever done so)  Of course, she was thrilled and it made me feel good to make her so happy.  After a couple of weeks of my holding her like a girl, dancing with her like a girl (my hands on her waist, etc.)  planning all the dates, always having to call her first, etc. I started feeling like "the guy" and as androgynenous of a personality I can have sometimes, I didn't like it one bit. 

On Halloween I dressed to the nines in a short skirt, curled my hair, did my make-up and when Jocelyn came to the house I announced (rather sarcastically) that I was "going as a GIRL for Halloween, imagine that!"  Well, we had a nice long, tearful discussion and when Jocelyn explained to me that she wanted us to both "be the girl" I calmed down a lot. 

Now we trade off doing things.  Sometimes she'll open a jar for me that I can't, hold me with my head on her shoulder, carry bags for me.  And then it's my turn.  It sounds complicated but we really don't keep track of who's doing what anymore and it's become rather comfortable.  The only "girl" thing that we don't trade off is cooking because, well, she's needs some training in that!

I don't feel like I compete with her at all, but that may be because we have almost the same height and build. I also don't feel like another woman is taking my space. We'll be sharing a bedroom soon and I'm really excited that I'm going to get to have a purple bedroom without having to compromise for a more gender-neutral color. I also really like being able to share clothes and make-up.

I suppose that she doesn't threaten my femininity because I've already gone through something else that did.  I felt like only half a woman when I was told that I had a hormone condition that may prevent me from having children.  What I had to realize was that no amount of hormones or physical complication was going to make me any less a woman than I felt that I was on the inside. I feel that it was an important lesson I learned.  Without knowing that, I don't know how I would've handled the problem that I had in the beginning.

[Gill]

Hi Everone:

Thanks for the feed back.  I am glad others felt the same way I did.  It is funny how the roles get reversed.  They dressing androngynously before transition, then once they come out I was the one dressing that way.  Not wanting to cause attention to myself I guess.

I can understand Spouse about the shopping expedittion.  Every time we went shopping it always turned into a shopping expedition for Steph....    Now, though we occaisionaly shop together for her, but most times she has the confidence to shop for herself.  She has found her "style".  I now make sure I take the time for me, by shopping, or just browsing around the mall.  It's funny I enjoy doing the groceries by myself.

I guess we also go through the different stages of transition, not only the mourning of the loss, but once we get to the acceptance level we find ourselves again.  It's a good feeling, building your inner strength.  That's what scared me a lot during this time was making those incredibly hard decision from a position of internal weakness.



Gill