EXACTLY Milissia !
For now, Your still healing from the wounds so to speak, you can't expect to go running about as if nothing has happened ! Some of us simply start off Wounded
from day one.... I know exactly what you mean, its a combonation of what IF and self preservation down in the recesses of your mind that are keeping you from alowing yourself a good relationship.
And make no mistake it is YOU that is doing it... Don't blame it on the other person because thats simply not the case .
But for now Go about the motions, and act the part and when the wounds heal up completely you will be alot better off. though you may find that impossable to do and I wouldn't blame you one bit.
People I have known have a tennancy to Jump into relationships fast, and to heck with the consiquiences, but as you get older you get more cautious and don't do that as much....call it fear, aprehintion, or just plane Smart, the results are the same.
Life teaches you what to do and what not to.... we go forth like a missel...
incountering one obstical after another, but like a missel we only know where not to go "after the fact".... when a Missel senses it is off the track it then turns its control fins in the direction that is on the track... we are much the same way, we operate by hind site...
it would be great if we new before hand what was going to happen in a relationship so we could aim properly... but people don't work that way...
so we Must endure the Hind-sight in order to get where we want to be.
Its very natural to be aprihensive about starting a relationship. add to that the publics Stigma about TS's in general and you have realy good reasons not to go into one at all... but if your strong you can do it !
Look back in your past as a Learning experience, not a time of pain. this is very important and I can't stress it enough... you have to let go of the sadness and the pain in order to move on. But Remember it enough so You don't deviate from the intended flight path in the future.
How do you get rid of the pain ? Revisit it in your mind till it softens its blows, till it becomes mundaine.... of no consiquience.... the fire dies.
face the pain in your hart and stand up to it. Your strong and You can certainly face something in your own mind !
However We frail humans like to run from our own painfull memories and not look at them at all... that is why when you remember a certain incident the tears come to your eyes.... the pain is still there ! Stop that pain ! You have the control to do it , and what ever it takes in your mind to do
it, you Must ! ....
Thinking about my own life, the hardest thing I have had to do and face in the last 50 years was to put my Dog down, that hurt and still hurts, but i am getting over it, Not only was he my buddy but a friend and companion the best dog we ever have had , he understood english and even spoke some words , his loss was magnified by the fact that i had to be the one to put him out of his misery.
But sad though that may be, the pain can be controled ! at first when the pain was sharp and mean, i simply didn't alow myself to think about it, I would catch myself thinking about it and force myself to think of something else.... this is a hard skill to aquire ! and takes much practice but it helps imencly !...
Later, I began to alow myself to think about it, the pain was still there no doubt, and tears would come to my eyes as i thought of those big brown eyes.
Infact i am still in the proccess of getting over it... but the pain has dulled, and its sharpness does not cut anymore, its uncomfortable but not tear-jerking to think about any more.... time is my friend in this !
In the same manor You can Kill all the pain in your hart... and be rid of the pain once and for all...... ware it out so to speak, ware it down to where it is just a tiny bump in the road, not a mountian to traverse.
...this is just How I handle it... there may be better ways to do it I don't know.
I read a very good bunch of books earlier in life that sort'a set me on the right path of getting MY SH** togather ! it is called Dianetics by L.Ron.Hubbard, I read it many times and read his self analisis book as well
but wound up stopping before i became truly "Clear" as he put it.
But I rid myself of the fear of crouds, and a few other idiocenquries that i had.... and Life is alot better now for reading them, i recomend them whole hartidly !
Knowing why you do what you do is very important in this life ! if you don't know why you alwayse do domething that you dislike then its time to look deep inside and find out, some times you may not like what you find, other times it will make you laugh ! ....
... I mean , My fear of crouds stemed from getting lost in a croud in L.A. as a kid while christmass shopping ! of all the silly things to have control of your life ! In a croud I would get up tight, and if i couldn't get out of that croud I'ed practially go bezerk... it was ruening my life !i was afrade to go out ! there's PEOPLE out there !!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
but needless to say, realising WHY, cured the problem in and of itself and I just get nervice now because I don't like the idea of being trampled, but thats all !
the human mind is a marvelous thing, but YOU must take control of it , don't just go along for the ride.
Ugh, sorry for the Novil again !
I realy must make my posts shorter and to the point !
Sorry about that !
my 25 cents worth !
Bob......
