Desperate to know what I have done wrong to my child

[cluelessparent]

Hi.
Pls pardon the intrusion as I don't really belong to your community. That will be obvious in a moment. But I do think that someone here can help me if they're willing to give up a min or two.  My plight may be one that you folks can identify with?

I'm a 50 y/o guy, completely straight, with a 24 y/o daughter who is taking the road to reassignment to become a man - FTM. She has been underway for months now, male hormones were started in the summer. What started as a lesbian at about 13 has apparently evolved into the desire/need for something else.  Pls keep in mind: I love my kid, and I accept whatever 'Amy' wants for herself. My problem is not her sexuality nor her favored gender. Not at all -  in fact, ZERO.  I love her INSIDES, the wrapping outside means nada to me.

Ok, my problem:
She lives hundreds of miles away and if that wasn't bad enough she is moving to San Fran in about 10 days.  We are desperate to connect with her but she blows us off in so many different ways. She won't return calls, she won't even email most times.  We want to meet with her before she leaves because she needs to know that we love her & respect her wishes and SUPPORT her...

But this seems impossible,,,,to get her even to speak with us.  And we don't know why.  Amy will site 'lack of support' from us - this is ludicrous, even delusional.

So, at last, my question:  How can I knock down this damn barrier between us?  I am reading and trying to learn what to say, what not to say - I do realize the I used the terms 'she' & 'her' in thsi post and that is a No-No, but I am new to this and was just trying to be expedient and articulate my problem.  What is this "lack of support" song that she is always singing?  I just do not get it. Is not treating her and her friends just like I would anyone else enough?

What can we do better? How can we connect? Is it me, the father, who is the problem?
WHAT IS SUPPORT? And why does she feel she doesn't get it from her parents & family?
I'm just lost and time is running out. Amy will fall off of teh planet in SF and be lost to us.

Thanks for any help. I am here for the short term only and won't be bothering you folks for long.

sign me,
clueless parent in NY

thanks for any & all assistance you're willing to provide

[Nero]

Nothing to say, no advice. Except that I am a female -to-male as well and can only dream that my father will be like you once he finds out.

Lifting my glass to a good and caring dad,
Nero

[ssindysmith]

Have you tried addressing HIM as your son, identify with HIM with things dads and SONS do, just try treating HIM like one of the GUYS.

[Sarah Louise]

For whatever reason, your son does not perceive that you are or have given him support.

The only thing you can do is give him space and time, just let him know you are there for him whenever he is ready.

If you push, he will withdraw further.

Sarah L.

[Melissa-kitty]

Sir:
I'm about your age, a father, as well as trans.
I remember what it was like in my 20s, angry, making my own way, resentful of the cards I was dealt. I was pretty isolated from my family then. It calmed down, and with luck, will become closer.
My advice is pretty simple. There is only a certain amount of what you can do in a positive sense. A lot to do that can be negative. Offer and try to keep in touch, in a way that respects his journey, respects his perspectives and feelings, even if they are not shared by you. Know that he may isolate from you for a while, even a long while. Calm down.
No parent is perfect. Maybe a therapist can be of a bit of help to you right now. Strongly consider getting in touch with your local PFLAG group.. I can't say enough good things about them.
Namaste and good luck.
Tara

[Dennis]

There's been some good advice here. I concur with Tara, that he may be in that post-teenage resentment. Everyone else had a normal adolescence and he feels ripped off. Not by you, but by his circumstances. PFLAG was a great suggestion. Also just being there for him. Eventually he will realize that you are supportive and that his circumstances are nobody's fault.

The pronoun thing is important for us. The better you can do at that, the better he will feel. I know it's hard, but even my mother managed eventually, even though I didn't transition until I was 42, so she'd known me as her daughter for a long time. Name's important too, getting that right.

I also wanted to say that yes, you do belong here and are welcome here. This site is for significant others, friends, and family as well as for those of us who are gender variant.

Welcome to the site,

Dennis

[Purple Pimp]

Not being aware of the full situation, my only guess, for starters, would be monikers.  How do you address him?  Using his male name, male pronouns?  If you're still using female name and female pronouns, that can be a big problem for him.  My parents (I'm 21) have been pretty good about this, and use my new name and pronouns, and I know that they support me; even so, when they slip up and use the old name or call me he, it does sting.  I know they don't mean to, but I can't help feeling that way.

Other than that, I don't know enough about the dynamic between you and your son to give any other advice.

Lia

[cluelessparent]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies - I have been reading them carefully & trying to glean info.
To answer a couple of you at once:  No, I have not referred to my kid by anything but 'Amy' and associated female pronouns.  This is not by choice, nor denial, but rather because I simply DID NOT KNOW to.  You see, it is my other daughter who confronted us last week and told us what was up. Left to her own devices, Amy would be going thru this entirely without our knowledge.

Amy has never made her intent clear to us, so we never knew that 'she', 'her', 'daughter' etc would have upset her.  The transgender issue just came outta nowhere.

You folks are correct: we may have been making my kid miserable all along, but never knew.
I will be happy to call her 'Amy'  'Andy', 'Ralph' or even fricken' 'Clarence' if it means reestablishing ties with her.  (there I go with pronoun goofs again)

Dennis - thanks for the welcome, be sure I will not wear it out.

Nero - thank you for the good words.  Give your father a chance.  I am NOTHING SPECIAL and if I can deal & accept,,,,,then I am sure that most if not all loving fathers will also.  Don't let your dad go thru what I am going thru if you can possibly help it.  We parents may well be clueless, but we care deeply.

genovais / Lia - you (or your av) look SO MUCH like my own little Amy that it startled me!

And to ALL - thanks for your replies. If there are any others out there willing to type, I am dying to read.

Clueless in NY

[NicholeW.]

Lots of us wear out our welcomes, Clue. Why be an exception?

I'd start by realizing that I am not going to be able "to knock down" anything at all. This is, maybe, a position you have never been in before -- your child being in-charge of the relationship between you. That can be a very huge difference and one it takes some effort to become used to.

You could start practicing the pronouns and name, I assume he doesn't go by 'Amy' anymore, when you write here.

If you talk with your wife I would be willing to guess that this did NOT "come outta nowhere." Try to think back: there are almost bound to have been some signs. The fact that you blew them off or didn't "put much stock in them" may be one of the reasons he sees you as "not being supportive."

Have you tired to call him, or do you expect him to call you. After all, if you're anxious to talk and he holds the cards, then you better cowboy-up and go to him, one way or another. As a parent it's a bad-feeling position. I know.

I don't know how or if you "made him miserable," but he certainly seems to feel like he is not gonna get a reasonable "hearing." I hate being blunt, but, maybe that's the key: YOu need to take the cotton outta your ears and put it in your mouth. Let him talk and you and your wife finally start to listen. You are not required to "know it all" and since you are admittedly 'clueless' in this regard you should find it easy just to listen.

If you have pleas and ideas about 'what he should do' I would suggest you bury those. If he's moving in 10 days, he obviously doesn't think he needs any suggestions from either you or his mom. But, you might at least make a humble plea for him talking to you two. And LET him do just that if he's willing. He talks, you two listen. (Try to get all your tears and anger out beforehand so you're not tempted to interrupt him.)

I wish all four of you the absolute and very best to come from all of this turmoil. It will be maybe the hardest thing you have ever done if your are successful. Of course, if you are you will have a son you can start to appreciate. Perhaps that's all he's ever truly wanted any way: appeciation.

Nichole

[cluelessparent]

I just now thought of something as far as the new name / old name preference goes:
Amy recently has started a screen name on another type of forum. It is 'XXXXamy' - not a man's name

Likewise, her/his email addy is AmyXXXX@XXXX. etc    Again, clearly still using her/his original name and not a new one

Does that make ya wonder any? I guess that I am...........

[tekla]

Dear Clueless,

I have a guy at work, who when we started to call him "Impact Ed" - after the local lighting company we all hate, told us he would rather be called "Weasel Nipples." And so it was, and is. 

Call people what they want to be called, never give up hope, and moving to SF is not the end of the world, only the end of the earth.  And hey, at least when you go to visit, you don't have to spend a week in Columbus Ohio.

[Nero]

Clueless:
As to 'making your kid miserable', you could not know. You were given a 'daughter' and that's all you could know. My parents never knew the pain and shame of putting me in dresses for church and private school. How could they?
We  (transsexuals) often want nothing more than to be normal. I wanted desperately to be a normal girl so other girls would be friends with me. So people wouldn't be so cruel to me. I didn't want this. I'dve given anything to be a normal child. Girl or boy. Just not this.
But it was not to be.

So, yeah, my deep shame about this caused me to hide it all. So, my dad could not know. Just thought I was a 'tough' girl.
This may be how 'Amy', your child feels.

[Melissa-kitty]

Imagine how confused he is. Think about what he is going through as a process, a journey.  I'm sure there are so many elements in flux, that what is now may not be how he ends up.
Best wishes, Tara

[Dennis]

If your son hasn't told you and won't communicate with you, you could always send a message through your daughter that you are aware and are supportive and would like to be there for him when he's ready to reopen communication.

And he may still be using his girl name in places because he's not ready to do it as one big step, but rather to come out gradually. Or, as Tara says, what he is now may not be how he ends up.

Dennis

[cindianna_jones]

Clueless:

Get a message to your new son... perhaps through your daughter.
 
   Dear Andy:

   I love you son.

   Dad

Simple words say it all.

Cindi

[Suzy]

I agree with the simple message.  You might also send him a link to this post.  You have spilled out your heart and done so eloquently.  You sound like an awesome dad, loving and teachable.  However, any relationship takes at least two people who want to have it.  The problem might not be with you at all, but with him.  At this point, the best three things you can do are:  communicate, communicate, and communicate.  Even if he doesn't answer you back right now, it will keep the door open, which is so very important.  Let him know that he is your child and always welcome in your life.

I truly wish you the very best of luck in this.  As has been said, yes you do belong here.  We are honored that you have shared this struggle with us.  So seldom do we get to hear it from the parent's side.  So thank you so much!

Kristi

[Andrew]

You're off to a good start - you accept him!

I'd start by asking questions, like "How can we support you? What can we do to help?" And more specific things, like "What do you want us to call you? What's your new name? Do you want us to tell anyone about your transition?"

It really helped when my mother took this route - she was constantly asking me, "How do you feel about..." "When did you start feeling..." "What do you plan to do about..."

If it's possible for you, you could ask him if you could help him financially with hormones or therapy - that might show your willingness to support him.

And finally, get him on Susan's!

Posted on: January 30, 2008, 09:42:15 PM

Clueless:

Get a message to your new son... perhaps through your daughter.
 
   Dear Andy:

   I love you son.

   Dad

Simple words say it all.

Cindi

Cindi, that's brilliant.

[cluelessparent]

Yea, that was pretty brilliant. And even before I read your idea Cindi, I did tell him that just y'day.
The words came easy too - of course, this is my kid.

I also told him that I'm impressed that he has the courage to make his life what HE wants it be. That takes a lot more balls that I have..........
BTW: I give you folks the same credit. I don't pretend to know what your struggles are, but I do empathize and wish you all well. You clearly are a caring crowd here.

I also have a name to call him by now, so that I can start addressing him correctly.
The wall is not down yet, but maybe there are a coupla cracks I can see him thru - that's cool. Now the ball is in my court.

I'm pretty excited!  It's a beautiful day here in the Adirondacks, the sun is shining, and I have made some progress with my son.  And man oh man,,,,,,,I always wanted a son!!!!

I'm still around for awhile tho - Lots of learning left to do. Thanks for so much already.
Still Clueless, but also Hopeful

Have a GREAT DAY

[Nero]

Yea, that was pretty brilliant. And even before I read your idea Cindi, I did tell him that just y'day.
The words came easy too - of course, this is my kid.

I also told him that I'm impressed that he has the courage to make his life what HE wants it be. That takes a lot more balls that I have..........
BTW: I give you folks the same credit. I don't pretend to know what your struggles are, but I do empathize and wish you all well. You clearly are a caring crowd here.

I also have a name to call him by now, so that I can start addressing him correctly.
The wall is not down yet, but maybe there are a coupla cracks I can see him thru - that's cool. Now the ball is in my court.

I'm pretty excited!  It's a beautiful day here in the Adirondacks, the sun is shining, and I have made some progress with my son.  And man oh man,,,,,,,I always wanted a son!!!!

I'm still around for awhile tho - Lots of learning left to do. Thanks for so much already.
Still Clueless, but also Hopeful

Have a GREAT DAY

so happy for you that you got some communication with your kid. one thing also, you should know is that he probably idolizes you as i did my father and i assumed as a young child that i would turn into him, but then puberty happened and shattered my illusions.

[NicholeW.]

Well, Clue. Ya seem to have done good. Sincerely, congratulations. You may just be a dad a son can be proud of. All the best to you, him, your wife and daughter.

Fortunate living in the Adirondacks. I'd love to live on Lake George.

Hugs, (and other than a couple of exceptions I rarely hug men.)

Nichole