Steph finally introduces herself

[stephb]

Hi,

I've been reading other posts and have posted myself but never introduced myself.

I am TS, 57, married for over 30 years, and have 2 grown sons. I have known that I wanted to be a woman since I was very young but managed to suppress, ignore, and pretend for most of my life. I don't think anyone has ever suspected the turmoil inside me, since I have always presented myself as masculine.

My childhood was not very happy. I was lonely often. My parents divorced when I was young & I spent my early teen years living in the same house with an abusive step-father.

After college, I met my wife and was deeply in love for the first time in my life. The joy at finding someone who loved me and enjoyed being with me gave me great hope that I would someday get over my gender problem. My wife knew of my identity problem when we married but I convinced both her and myself that it would go away. Through many years of our marriage, I kept it in the background with occassional chances for Stephanie to come out privately. My wife knew, but it was always something she could accept if she didn't have to be there or think about it.

About 5 years ago, things got worse. (SURPRISE!) I went for most of a year without sleeping for more that 3-4 hrs/night. Finally, I told her that I had to see a counselor to see if there was any way I could deal with my gender problem so that I could start functioning again. I think I always knew that I was TS, but hoped that there was someway I could overcome it. The couselor quickly diagnosed me as definitely being TS and told me that it would get worse. She was not optimistic that I could suppress it and felt that I would eventually need to transition. She did give me several suggestions of half-way measures that she said had worked for others (occasional CD'ing, attending suport groups, wearing feminine clothing under my male clothing, etc.)

I began to experiment with some of these and attended my first support group meeting as Stephanie in public. After initial panic and fear, I quickly felt comfortable, natural, and at ease. Driving home afterward, I felt comfortable with myself for the first time in my life.

I know that I am TS and that I would be happier as a woman. The problem is that I deeply love my wife, and this is somewhere she will not go with me.  She has said that she understands if that is something that I may someday have to do, she will support me and continue to love me, but she will not stay with me as a couple. This has continued to be a problem for us. I still try to allow some of my feminine side out without making it difficult for her, but now that she knows that I ache inside to be a woman, it is hard for her to feel secure in our relationship. We often go through weekend crisis where we are both on the verge of giving up. So far, we are still trying to work it out, but I don't know how much longer we can do it.

I have been to see the counselor more and I know that she is prepared to approve HRT for me, but I also know that this would be the end of my marriage. I know that many TS's say that if you're TS there is no choice. I think there is a choice, but neither offers complete happiness for me. Both will have a downside that I will have to live with. I don't know the answer yet. I feel like time is running out. I don't want to end up as an old unpassible woman who lives alone without family or friends. I also can't imaging spending the rest of my life as I am.

So that's where I am ... today. Who knows about tomorrow? Meanwhile, I appreciate all of the thoughtful insights and advice that I've seen posted here.

Steph

[Melissa]

Hi Stephb, glad to see you found this forum too.  In reply to:

know that many TS's say that if you're TS there is no choice. I think there is a choice, but neither offers complete happiness for me. Both will have a downside that I will have to live with.

Life sometimes deals out tough cookies and you just have to make the best of it.  In other words, your choice should be what you feel is the lesser of 2 evils.

Melissa

[Kate]

Would your wife ever consider going to some therapy sessions with you?

I'm not sure it would ever change her mind, but it sure can be useful sometimes to work through difficult feelings in a more controlled environment.

[Gill]

Hello Stephb:

Welcome, glad you found Susan's.  I am still a newbie here myself and really enjoy the company and having someplace and someone to talk to. 

I am the spouse of Steph (the other one...) and speaking as a spouse I can understand how your spouse feels.  But you know, she sounds like she has great affection for you and cares about you so much.  I want to personally thank you for telling how things were from the beginning.  Having that information sometimes is half the battle. 

But you know she says she loves you and will support you through this (together as a couple or not), that speaks volumes about how she feels about you.


Keep talking with her, I know having her support will help you tremendously.

Gill

[stephb]

Kate,

Thanks for the suggestion. We had a joint therapy session last year, but it didn't help much. I think my wife felt like she was ganged up on and the therapist was judgemental about her unwillingness to stay with me through transition. It did help her to understand how intensely difficult being TS can be. I think she knows more the agony that I feel sometimes. This also makes her feel guilty sometimes because I am held back form being who I need to be.  No easy solution.

Steph

[Kate Thomas]

Hi Steph
Welcome to Susans
That was a very touching story that you shared with us. thank you
I hope your SO can come to terms with things
Best Wishes

Kate Alice 

[stephb]

Kate Alice,

Thanks for the warm welcome. We are working hard to figure out where this journey will lead. The stories and advice of others here who have gone through the same process are a godsend. I hope I can find resolution soon.

Thanks,

Steph

[NightAngel]

Hi stephb,

Welcome here at Susan's!!
I'm glad that you found us, I'm also new here so I can't give you any advice about your SO's at this time but I hope that she will understand you some day.
Good luck on your journey!

*hugs*

Michelle

[HelenW]

Welcome to Susan's, Steph!

I find that we are in similar places in our lives and I can really say I feel for your dilemma.  My wife is also having a VERY hard time with this and tells me she will not be around if the hormones start.  A few days ago she very loudly wished for my demise.  On the other hand, a few days before, she actually volunteered (albeit halfheartedly) to accompany me to my next support group meeting.  Whether she goes with me is still very much up in the air but I feel that I must do something.  I cannot continue, especially if this is going to get worse, without doing somthing.

Susan's has been a joy and a refuge for me as well as a wonderful source of good information.  The people here are truly wise and supportive and, if need be, it isn't always gentle but it is always done with the goal of helping others.  I hope you find Susans to be as wonderful or even better than I and I'm happy to say, again,

WELCOME!
helen

[Teri Anne]

Steph, It's always interesting to meet the new folk on Susan's block.  Welcome! 

As you know, our TS road can be one of wonder, happiness and trauma.  We all have shared that feeling you stated: "I felt comfortable with myself for the first time in my life."  In hoping for the best FOR YOU, please allow me though to ask about something:  I was surprised that any counselor could "QUICKLY DIAGNOSE" anyone as "DEFINITELY BEING TS."  Even some post op TS's wonder now and then, on rare occassions, if they have talked themselves into this.  Being TS is, to a great extent (due to lack of hard medical "proof"), a self-diagnosed condition.  We describe what we feel to doctors and they presumably have a checklist and test of things that concur or don't concur with a certain diagnosis.  From what you write, I think you're TS, but I could be wrong -- Just be wary of jumping on any bandwagons.  I'm a little concerned that your conselor might be to be TOO much of an advocate at this early point -- I would hope that the counselor would have seen you for awhile before pronouncing that "SHE WAS NOT OPTIMISTIC THAT I COULD SUPPRESS IT AND FELT THAT I WOULD EVENTUALLY NEED TO TRANSITION."  Many TS's have to go awhile with a psychiatrist before that psychiatrist feels comfortable stating that conclusion.  Doctors know the risk of transition and don't wish to ruin anyone's life -- there are possible legal consequences, also, of course.

As to hormones, you might consider (as I've said in other posts), at first, doing things that don't alter you semi-permanently.  I wish somebody had told me, when I was transitioning, to get going on electrology on the face, ears and inside the nose first.  It's a years-long project.  It's expensive and painful and, if you truly "need to transition," as your counselor says, it's NECESSARY for all full-time TS's.  Also, it is far more feminiziing to the face than any estrogen would be.  I'm afraid that no razor can get at the beard under the skin.  It will always be visible making "passing" more difficult in the bright light of day.

Okay, nuff about my worries -- I'm happy for you that you're happy.  I'm sure you're knowledgeable about the above stuff, anyway.  Reading your post reminded me so much of my coming out in 1999 in my late 40's.  I, too, remember the feeling of concern that the end of my life was getting nearer and I needed to do this!  Again, welcome.  Sometimes, I'll just sit at night and enjoy reading all the stories and posts.  So many warm, intelligent and comedic people here!

Teri Anne

Aside to Helen - Your wife "very loudly wished for your demise?"  Geeez.  I'm sorry.  And she might go to your next support group meeting?  Hmmm, mine did, too.  She was impressed with many of the people there but couldn't help comment to me afterwards that this looked bad on this one or that looked bad on that one.  Oh, well -- She'll also sometimes points out GG's as not dressing properly, too, lol.

[rana]

hi steph,
What Teri mentioned, struck me too - I think your counsellor was awful quick to diagnose you as TS, I would be a bit sceptical about that.  Is the counsellor pushing a barrow?  or is she completely disinterested as she is supposed to be?

rana

[stephb]

Rana & Teri Anne,

I understand your concern about the quickness of her diagnosis. I may have exaggerated the quickness. It was the first time that I had ever heard anyone else use confirm my TS and it seemed a very dramatic turning point in my way of looking at this. I think that she sensed that this wasn't something that I came to quickly or took lightly and that I had been trying to understand about myself for years. After talking to her for several hours, I asked her very directly if she felt I was TS. She said she did. Later, after more sessions, I asked her if she thought transitioning was inevitable for me. She very carefully said that, from her experience, most people in my condition eventually found that they had to transition. She also said that some in my situation (although few) do manage to cope with it throughout their life.

She is experienced in working with other TS women and seems to be very competent, but she is somewhat more formal and distant than I would prefer. I have recently gotten another recommendation of a different therapist from a local post-op who has been very helpful. I am strongly considering seeing the other therapist. My only hesitation is that I feel that the first therapist is prepared to approve HRT. I don't really want to go through another period of bringing another therapist up to speed. If I decide that I am ready to start HRT, I want to move ahead quickly.

Thanks for your concern, comments, and support. You are beautiful women.

Steph

[Teri Anne]

Steph -
Your therapist, in the above description, seems a bit more guarded and that's good.  There's a big difference in saying "most people in my condition eventually found that they had to transition" as opposed to "she was not optimistic that I could suppress it and felt that I would eventually need to transition." 

The first quote is a third person generality (though I do still have trouble with the word "most" -- also, here at Susan's, we try to NOT generalize.  If we do, we get pounced upon).  The second quote ("she was not optimistic that I could suppress it") is much more specific than "most people" -- it's just talking about YOU.

But it's good that she followed up with, "some in my situation (although few) do manage to cope with it throughout their life."  It's good, at this point, to offer you alternatives.

One other note of caution -- reading the stories here at Susan's (or other TG sites) CAN have the effect of making you more gung-ho about transitioning.  Again, beware of the bandwagon effect -- that is, reading something you relate to or can identify with and going to where that TS is going -- often times, full transition.  I know, I've said many times, "if there had been an internet when I was young, I would have transitioned in my teens."  While I fully believe that and still wish I had, I do know the power of the written word -- Just note that the internet can be as intoxicating as any pill.

Right before my post, Helen told you, "The people here are truly wise and supportive and, if need be, it isn't always gentle but it is always done with the goal of helping others."  That's us in a nutshell.  Er, leave off the nut.  That's us in a shell.  Er, no.  THAT'S US.  Yeah.

Enjoy your stay.  Pull up a chair and get comfortable.  We share your feelings.  We're happy you're here.

Teri Anne

[stephb]

Teri Anne,

Again, thanks for your concern. I try to be very aware of how forums like this can pull you in faster that you are ready for. I think my point in talking about my therapist sessions was that someone else actually saw what I had felt all along and that I wasn't just deluding myself. I've always been very tenacious and stick with thing far beyond what most people do. My wife sees this in me also. I am continuing to put my best effort into making my marriage work and cope with this the best I can. At the same time, I am exploring what the other path may bring, and I know that if that is where I end up going, I will stick with it through completion and beyond. For this reason, I have held off requesting HRT yet. If that point comes, however, I will want to move as deliberately and quickly to transitioning as possible.

Hope that clarifies things. Sorry for misrepresenting the situation, if  I did.

Steph

[Teri Anne]

As the Aussie's say, "No worries!"  (I try telling that to myself but I'm one of the most paranoid people I know, lol).  You said < "I'm putting my effort into making my marriage work and cope with this as best I can."  I'm glad.  Though your wife may go through some of the usual angst SO's go through, hopefully you will be one of the lucky ones who can travel with your best friend along into a possible new life.  I know, in your initial post, you said, "This is somewhere she will not go with me."  I hope her initial presumption is wrong.  There is nothing like a lifetime companion continuing the relationship forever.  There are so many memories she will have of you, of things you shared.  Doing the same things without you will probably seem empty to her.  That's the way it was with my ex.  After our breakup, she took a tour an architectural modern house - something we often did together.  Without me there, she told me she started crying.  I'm sure it'll be the same with your wife, given the long deep love that you two have shared.

If she continues with you, through transition, you may look the same outside but, over time, she'll realize that her soulmate still resides in you (my ex said, years after our breakup, "you were the love of my life."  Unfortunately, she was one that had a strong rule to never go backwards - she's now happily married).  Please don't, as I did, push her away, for seemingly her own good.  I know there's a tendancy to do that.  I did, because I loved her and wanted her pain to stop.  I regret that decision.  Let her find out if she's willing to stay.  And maybe she'll surprise both of you.

And stay by your side.  The best part?  You'll appreciate her even more and will love her to the end of your life.  As I asked in another post, would that be so bad?

Teri Anne

[michelle]

Hi,  I have never taken hormones and do not know if life will ever permit it,  but I am able to be a little more open in my home life with wearing bras and panties,  shaving my legs, and chest,  wearing feminine things to bed.   Not having to hide my female side totally has made it more real to me.   I can sit in my living room and read Susan's forum in front of the rest of my imediate family.   I do not wear frilly girl clothes but do have my fake boobs.   My spouce kindof accepts me as a girl friend sort of or as a male that likes being womanish.   I am kindof shy so the boobs disappear when I go out.    This kind of makes me more of a whole person than I was when I had to hide it completely in my previous life.  There are still a lot of inner conflicts and termoil but they are  more real than fantacy.   That's all, just a girl thinking out loud.

[mortiis29]

Dear Steph,

Hi there, and thanks a lot for joinging and posting your 'life' story (somewhat) on here for us all to see.
I can only sympathize a little with the feelings that you grew up holding inside your own self, and my own feelings were of a much different pain, yet I know first-hand what non-acceptance from family, friends and outsiders feels like.
Stay STRONG!!


Hugs,
Scott

[stephb]

Thanks to all of you for making me feel so welcome.

Teri Anne - Your advice to stay close to my wife and not push her away is what I feel inside. Sometimes, when I see the pain I cause her, I question this and think that maybe it would be better for both of us to break away and let both of us start new lives again. Then, when I think of all we have shared and the close bond that has been a source of strength for both of us, I re-commit myself to making happiness for us again. If there is someway I can keep this problem from escalating (for both of us), it will be well worth it. So, I keep trying.

Michelle - I do many of the things you suggest, and they do help. However, I try not to impose them on my wife, if possible. It's a fine line between not wanting to hide and not wanting to flaunt my feminine side. So, I do some of the things on a constant basis (shaving, feminine clothes under my male clothes, etc.) and some things I do periodically when she agrees to be away (makeup, fully dressing, etc.) It's a compromise that is probably not satisfying to either of us, but may make life workable. It's embarrasing to admit some of the things I do to allow myself to express some femininity without upsetting this balance.

Scott - Thanks for the encouragement.

Steph

[Teri Anne]

Steph - One possibility (I've mentioned in other posts) is to consider that some of what you are feeling regarding clothes may be the (1) forbidden fruit aspect and (2) the newness of it all.  It is always exciting when you get a new car but after a few years, it's transportation (sorry for those of you who have heard this comparison before).  Though clothes didn't excite me at the beginning of transition compared to many other TS's, they REALLY don't excite me now.  They're clothes.  The keep my body comfortable in cold weather.

Give it some time (before doing anything big like hormones) to determine how you really think about things.  Sometimes I'll buy things and wonder why I bought them a week later.

Teri Anne

[stephb]

Teri Anne,

I agree with your point about clothes. However, this is not a new thing for me. I have periodically dressed in private for most of my life. When I was very young, there was some sexual excitement involved. As I got older, it just felt comfortable and natural. It seemed to give me some relief from my gender anxiety to allow some expression of what I felt inside. I seem to do it these days mostly when it gets really hard to keep going. As for hormones, I have thought about this for at least 40 years. The only thing holding me back is my persistence in wanting to keep my marriage together. As long is there is hope that I can maintain that and the love of my wife and kids, I will probably keep trying to cope as I am.

Steph