Am I selfish, inflexible, looking for trouble?

[Simone Louise]

Nero has the tag that says his mouth gets him in trouble; more than my mouth gets me in trouble. Take, for instance, break at work today. We're all standing around in our corner of the warehouse. Some mountains of men (at least in comparison with me) work at UPS; Kevin is one. He likes to tease me about my ponytail and beard, and today asked if he'd ever see me clean-shaven with short hair. If did that and dyed my hair, I'd look 10 years younger, he said. He wanted to know if I ever wore my hair without the elastic. Did I know someone might mistake me for a girl? Fortunately, he left few pauses in his rambling so there was little chance for my mouth to get me in more trouble than my hair.

The process of divorcing my first wife took seven years. I thought I was OK with the idea of divorce. That was true where others were concerned; divorce makes sense if two people cannot live together. But certainly I could get along with most anybody; I could adjust. And continuing to live together, whatever the problems, was the simpler solution.

I have gone and continue to go through a similar debate with myself over gender issues. I have played the male role for many years. Discontent only comes to the surface in joking, in low level sadness, in a yearning for I-don't-know-exactly-what. The status quo is relatively easy, while changing would make life harder for me and those I love: wife and children, most of all. Is self-realization that important?

I know from your writings that some of you have hesitated along your path. Others were in difficult home situations and seemingly had little choice; that's different. I wonder whether you who have wrestled with questions of gender adjustments would be willing to share some of your thoughts and feelings about the journey and the hesitations.

With respect and warm regards,
Simone

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Simone,

   I have found it easier and preferable for me to take a middle road where I mostly stay within my comfort zone while occasionally testing it.
   I've let people know I'm gender variant at work, but it flies over their heads.  Occasionally, I find a moment to allow me to make a comment that reminds them I am different in some way.  I don't think I make them uncomfortable and so I like that.

  At work, I've had a harder time when I'm in the engineers office.  They supposedly went to school, yet they make gender specific remarks about women's driving and female emotionality over difficult work issues.  I haven't really had 'the talk' with them yet, but I've been keeping myself from spouting off without thinking.  It hurts my feelings when they start saying how women are bad at some tasks.  I'm going to have to speak up sometime, but I'm choosing to blow it off for now.

  I got off topic.

  Oh, so I believe that there are ways for you to expand upon your self discovery in what might appear at first to not be a very progressive route.  Because of who we are, we tend to pass in the world even though we are passing as someone we're not.  A difficulty with an androgyne transition is that we often have no clear and specific idea of who we need to become.  This really makes getting there confusing.
  I believe that for us, much of the transition is internal as to how we think and feel and express ourselves toward others.  How do we socialize?  You know, that kind of thing.  It's all highly personal and very individualistic.

  I have been dressing plain for a while, but when I feel good, I like to add some femminess to my look.  It's not a lot, however, it is enough to make me feel even better about myself and it makes it easier for me to be who I am.

  I guess, all I can really say is that I know when it's coming together for me.  It's something I can't verbalize too well at this time.



Rebis

   

[Pica Pica]

  I believe that for us, much of the transition is internal as to how we think and feel and express ourselves toward others.  How do we socialize?  You know, that kind of thing.  It's all highly personal and very individualistic.
   

Can't be put better

[RebeccaFog]

In keeping on topic -

Am I selfish, inflexible, looking for trouble?

"yes".

   

[Seshatneferw]

The status quo is relatively easy, while changing would make life harder for me and those I love: wife and children, most of all. Is self-realization that important?

Only you know, and also only you can know what self-realisation means for you. One fundamental difference between us and our transsexual siblings is that for us it's not an all-or-nothing matter: we, as individuals, concentrate on different aspects of the gender/sex complex. How much would your self-realisation make things harder? Are there things you can do to make it easier to bear, without sacrificing too much of what you have? If yes, then there's your campaign plan; if not, then that's your answer, however hard it is.

It's not easy, and in some ways I guess it is selfish, inflexible and looking for trouble. Anyway, you have the sympathies of someone walking another tightrope almost parallel to yours. 

  Nfr

[nigno]

For me it was a toss-up between me being happy, and everybody else. Yes, there is pain, but my answer is that I have to live with me, not them.

Sounding off to engineering type bods about something they cannot see/feel/measure strikes me as a potential bombshell.  If you ignore them long enough, will they go away?

Any form of change is difficult for people around you as they have to adjust their pre-conceptions about you without really understanding the facts as you see them......

What is wrong with being selfish any way? whose life is it?

My kids were really supportive of me at the time I told them...

N