Hello again

[amy2003]

Hi everybody,

At one time I was a semi-regular here at Susan's, but for the past couple years my activity has been sort of sporadic.  I check in time to time, but haven't posted much in a while, and my username has been deleted at least once.  I thought a reintroduction might be necessary.  I have thoughts or questions for posts occassionally, but always feel guilty that I'm not here very often.

My name is Amy, I'm 27 years old, & I currently live in Alabama.  I began my transition (and also HRT) in NYC at 23, went full-time October 1st... umm (I seem to have forgotten when)... 2005.  I consider myself pre-op post-transition, meaning my transition is complete.  I am who I am, except for surgery.  Passing has not been an issue for a year and a half.  Besides my mother, brother, and one friend nobody else knows.

But I do have issues, which is why I am here.  I recently started saving for surgery and providing nothing changes in my life I anticipate having enough in 2 1/2-3 years, which yes, I wanted it two years ago.  I get depressed sometimes, but I really don't have anybody to talk to.  I live with my Mom who is ultra-supportive ("I had a son.  You're KIDDING!), but she has problems of her own and she has kind of gotten tired of hearing about my problems or depressions so I don't bring them up anymore.  I have one friend that knows about my past, but I just rekindled our friendship recently and don't want to lose it because I have ruined friendships before because I cried on their shoulders a little too often about surgery.  I see a therapist (kind of), but I usually end up babbling to her for an hour then leaving.  She's given up trying to search into my past and what-not.

Enough for now... I have to get to work.

Amy

[Veetje]

Welcome Amy, thanks for your story!

I hope we can offer you a warm home where you can share your thoughts , feelings and questions whenever you want

/hugs

,
Vincent ( I dont have a female name, call me odd ..I just like this name, and I am not on HRT or anything so yeah^^)

[gennee]

Welcome back, Amy.

Gennee

[Robyn]

Keep on saving.  You'll get there.

Robyn

[annajasmine]

Hello Amy,
I attend college in Alabama but live in Tennessee. I found this website for support group in Huntsville http://www.transgender.org/hsv/ you might interested in. I been told different things about in person support groups so I'm still undecided about going. I hope things work out for you financially with your surgery.

Take care,
Anna

[Gina_Taylor]

Hi Amy,

It's been a long time, but it's really great to see you back. If you have anything you want to talk about , I'm always there for you.

Gina 

[deniz]

Keep on saving.It is very hard.Say to your self that you will stay at home,no expenses,no life for 1-2 years. it is the only way.find a second job, sell sth you don;t need.donations can help:))
it is hard.It is my main problem too.My situation is even harder.Because i am pre op and i have bf who is not aware of my ts status......

keep trying:)

[amy2003]

Say to your self that you will stay at home,no expenses,no life for 1-2 years. it is the only way.find a second job, sell sth you don;t need.donations can help:))

I live at home with my Mom, so I have no rent.  I work two jobs for a total of 50-65 hours a week, depending how many hours my retail job gives me.  I take my lunch every day, and if I have to work late I take my dinner.  If I am forced to eat out it's always under $5, except for very rare occassions.  I have no social life.  I don't go out.  I have a few vices, for example I do buy some clothes, but not very many, and they are always deeply discounted.  I track every single expense on Microsoft Money, down to the last penny.  I haven't carried cash in months because I don't use it.  I haven't been in a convenience store in months.  Are you getting the picture?  The only exception to my situation is that, since I live with my Mom, I contribute to the household fund.  Pay utility bills, my pay one of her credit cards every once in a while (I have none... filed bankruptcy last year), but I am certainly not paying an unfair amount, and she's having enough troubles right now I am glad to help her out.  Unfortunately I don't think I could shave any more money off my budget unless I ate baked potatoes every meal until surgery, stopped eating at all, and/or went absolutely insane.

Because i am pre op and i have bf who is not aware of my ts status......

I have to ask, because I have to admit, I am envious...  How do you date a guy and he doesn't know?  Lots of guys ask me out.  Some I might actually go out with, but I figure by the third or fourth week they are going to be pushing for sex and I can't give it to them.  You add to it that pretty much all guys I meet I meet through work, I don't want to risk them freaking out and telling work because I am stealth at work.  And it is Alabama, so I HAVE to assume that they would fire me, which would REALLY hinder my ability to save for surgery.  Not being able to date is one of my biggest frustrations, although the simple idea that that THING is down there gets me pretty angry and depressed lately.

I found this website for support group in Huntsville http://www.transgender.org/hsv/ you might interested in. I been told different things about in person support groups so I'm still undecided about going.

I use to regulary attend support groups and I know of one where I live, but I started to get frustrated because they tend to not be far enough along to understand my problems.  I don't care to talk about passing, HRT doses, electro (I'm done, thank GOD!), or anything of the like.  I am VERY anxious to assimilate fully and drop the "tran" title from my name completely.  In other words, I want to go from being a transexual woman to just being a woman.

Thanks for the heartfelt responses guys!  It means a lot.  Right now I can use all the support I can get, especially with people that can comiserate.

Amy 

P.S. Don't misunderstand me, life doesn't suck all the time.  I have fun at both jobs, and when I briefly forget about my life I am pretty happy-go-lucky.  But about once a day or so I get very depressed.  Just depends on how long it lasts.

[deniz]

Hello Amy,
              i have to admit that a relationship like this is a disaster. Not only is it dangerous, but it makes me depressed. Ok you date a guy, you have fan, you feel so powerful because a guy you have always been dreaming  about, is finally dating you, but after a while you FALL IN LOVE TOO!!!! that is the most painful thing that can happen. you know why?Because after 6-12 moths you feel so close to him you want to share your problems with him,your fears,your secrets.... I have been crying a lot on my boyfriend's shoulders. He wants to know what is my problem,he wants to help,you see his love.hs pure love. Now what????You are trapped.My bf is TS hater i believe(i have asked, i know him). So i can say NOTHING. hE wants to have children with me one day.so even if i have grs soon, i can not marry him.Secrets will be revieled. So i cry and cry and cry and cry.Why am i not breaking out with him???Because there is no better thing in life than having someone to love you to hold you,to sleep with at nights without even having sex

Ps.  My bf wants sex of course.But i am young and i come from a very religious family.So i have told him i am a vergin. My age helps.But i do oral sex a lot to him..sometimes i have anal but it is VERY RISKY and it requires David Kopperfield tricks to hide your genitals all the time
In your case you can say you broke up recently and can not easily trust someone for sex. But do you really want to put your self in such situation.It is so painful..
Gool luck to you....and to me.:(You can read my story in transgender forum, title I made the biggest mistake of my life

[amy2003]

Hello Amy,
              i have to admit that a relationship like this is a disaster. Not only is it dangerous, but it makes me depressed. Ok you date a guy, you have fan, you feel so powerful because a guy you have always been dreaming  about, is finally dating you, but after a while you FALL IN LOVE TOO!!!! that is the most painful thing that can happen. you know why?Because after 6-12 moths you feel so close to him you want to share your problems with him,your fears,your secrets.... I have been crying a lot on my boyfriend's shoulders. He wants to know what is my problem,he wants to help,you see his love.hs pure love. Now what????You are trapped.My bf is TS hater i believe(i have asked, i know him). So i can say NOTHING. hE wants to have children with me one day.so even if i have grs soon, i can not marry him.Secrets will be revieled. So i cry and cry and cry and cry.Why am i not breaking out with him???Because there is no better thing in life than having someone to love you to hold you,to sleep with at nights without even having sex

Ps.  My bf wants sex of course.But i am young and i come from a very religious family.So i have told him i am a vergin. My age helps.But i do oral sex a lot to him..sometimes i have anal but it is VERY RISKY and it requires David Kopperfield tricks to hide your genitals all the time
In your case you can say you broke up recently and can not easily trust someone for sex. But do you really want to put your self in such situation.It is so painful..
Gool luck to you....and to me.:(You can read my story in transgender forum, title I made the biggest mistake of my life

I can't write much because I have to get to work, and I won't go to Susan's on my work computer for obvious reasons, but real quick...

Wow!  Friends have always told me I could date like you are now, but your situation is exactly what I fear and why I have told people I might as well not date yet.  It's impossible to guage which would be more miserable, the inability to date, or falling in love with someone whom you can't ever tell your secrets to, because regardless of a person's attitude, you really don't know how they would react.  The only hope that I have is that it will be easier to tell someone, "I USED to have a penis" rather than "I currently have a penis".  Big, BIG difference there to me.

Deniz... I will definitely read your story, and would like to talk to you some more.  I don't have enough posts to look at profiles and PM yet.

P.S. I was with a guy last year who knew my status.  After being in that relationship I realized my partner will ALWAYS know.  He was there for me emotionally because I could tell him ANYTHING.  Hang in there, Deniz!   

[tinkerbell]

Hello Amy and welcome back to Susan's!

Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

[caleybug]

Hello Amy. It is nice to see another Bama-girl on here =) I am currently transitioning in Alabama as well.

If you ever feel like chatting, feel free to IM me. I know living here can be hard enough on people, but it can be a lot harder on transgendered peeps. =\