Well, I finally took the step to coming out to my mother, though the timing was perhaps not the best. But a few days post an auto accident that makes you take a look at your own mortality makes you do impulsive things, I guess.
I guess I didn't expect the... argumentative stance she'd take on the subject. I guess I didn't expect to be slapped in the face with the harsh reality that she didn't really know me, had never really known me, and that we weren't as close as I'd originally thought us to be. That she thought a strong person, a leader to whom others tend to band around for support, would be easily influenced by others. That because I have other friends who are transgendered, it must have been their ideas put into my head. The thought that I had become close to them because of the common bond we shared, apparently, never entered into her mind.
Every conversation since has been laced with argument - I suppose twenty-one is still too young to have started labeling yourself, in her eyes. I suppose little vagaries of femininity displayed while I was a child are supposed to shape the rest of my life, nevermind that my extremely straight cousin and I used to both like to wear little play dresses and pretend to be cabaret girls when I was a child.
Nevermind that there are a goodly number of little boys and grown men alike who like prettier or more effeminate things...
Nevermind that the Victorian man would, by our day's standards, be deemed homosexual in his actions.
I don't know what this will lead to, but I do know that I was tired of living a lie to the one person I'd hoped I could trust to love me forever. And I'm hating the fact that she's making my situation all about her - about her disbelief and feeling she can't turn to anyone but a friend over the phone, because apparently anyone else would tell my father.
She also, apparently, thinks I'll be running off next week to get something done about my "situation" as she's taken to calling it...
Nevermind that I've neither the finances nor the ability to make a transition any time in the very near future.
Nor was I intending to until I've finished college and have established myself on my own.
I'm not sure what to say or do, or if I should say anymore. So, here I turn, to people that I know have been through the same thing before in their lives.
Any takers...?
