Depressing... but it's as I thought

[pebbles]

It is as I thought... So I went to see my GP as it's a prerequisite here in the UK, I told him what I thought, Specifically about GID bear in mind I've only seen this man once before and that was so he could give me a meningitis vaccination.

Now remeber this guy has seen my arm. When he gave me said vaccination he also saw my arm which is webbed with keiloid scar formation as I've been self harming (nearly completely unknown) since I was 13. (I'm almost 21 now)

Anyways yeah he was unwilling to write a referral for GID he however "Advised" (in the same way he "Advised" my Vaccination) that I talk to a councilor about depression.

I honestly have always had low expectations. But this kinda confirmed what I knew... The only way I can possibly walk this path is if I have every ounce of strength at my disposal because the very system is designed to tire me out put me on trial and repel me.

I think I know what your likely to say... Strengthen up and try again right new doctor and such?
Well I cannot. Not when I'm in bits.

If your wondering what's in my heart and thusly splitting me into bits a gross simplification would be.
1: An unusual malice to the changes that have and are happening to my body. When I ask myself well how do you want if you hate this form so much. I close my eyes and it's a female version of me. Linked with it are memories that go back to my childhood making it a very old feeling.
2: Feelings of contempt for short sighted selfish whims with Feelings of duty and obligation for those who've already kept me going so long and I would not even be here without. Can't possibly take more from them when they've given me so much.

This tail was several weeks ago...
In this time since I attempted to buy Anti-Androgens and Estrogens online... This plan failed don't accept my debit card.
Considered Auto-castration... If nothing else it will stop my body changing further.
Strongly considered stealing my little sisters contraception pills, I took them but returned them later.

With intentions like this How am I anything but a monster? The intentional sabotage of any action on my part only proves I'm innately wrong.

And yes I know of the physical risks to myself in all three I almost don't care. I'm not allowed to care, Heck I can see I'm not allowed to ever be with another person intimately ever again in any scenario.
I don't see how illicit hormone use is any different from the self harm tho.  Everyday I exploit my emotional integrity for those I'm forever emotionally (And arguably financially) indebted to. And in turn I'm allowed to exploit my body to reinforce myself to stop the "me" they know and love from collapsing.

I don't know why I felt a need to whine and be emotastic here you'd probably best ignore it.

[NicholeW.]

I don't find you a monster. Nor are you whining and emostatic.

Your self-harming is not unusual given GID. It's also not unusual if you were ever sexually abused in any way.

If you are going through NHS and it sounds as if you're financial situation isn't conducive at the moment to any other way, then you may indeed find an impasse if what some here say is true about them. Same monetary problem I'd imagine with a private psychologist who might be able to prescribe hormones (if there is such a thing in England.)

Auto-castration shouldn't be an option. It's highly dangerous and should you pass out from the pain or blood loss it might well be fatal which would hardly get you through a transition.

You might wanna try getting in-touch with some of the more visible trans-orgs in UK. Perhaps knowing the territory there they could better assist you.

Do please keep posting. Keep reaching out, Pebbles.

I do understand the terrible loss you're feeling as your body gets more and more T affected. There's a heart-break there that just seems sooo overwhelming.

Honey, you are NOT alone nor are you uncared for. You might try googling "uk transsexual resources" and go through the list.


Hugs,


Nichole