update to my love story with the ts-hater(so called= and propably you are right)

[NicholeW.]

Look, I know its so easy to say just walk away, but there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul.  Would you want to live your life in hate of yourself for just walking away, I mean I would suggest getting some form of protection to ensure he cannot hurt you...

Like at the restaurant, hire a body guard to sit at another table, just in case...

You never know, asure him that if he cannot handle it, you arent gonna tell anyone, you will just walk away, I dont think this will turn out as bad as it may sound.

But Deniz you did mess up...


Also I just wanna add, that you could twist it a little, What if you told him you wanted to become a Man, say you are a FTM, and see what he says... Think about it.

Mara, I appreciate young romance, or old romance. But I also appreciate how many women do exactly as you suggest and get killed or maimed because of it. They also think "there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul."

And in doing so the soul gets eased into another plane of existence away from the body.

Plus, there's a very good reason that Deniz said: "i found the love of my life, who might take my own life as you say" She knows, don't you, Deniz. You absolutely have that premonition and it doesn't just come out of nowhere, nor is it accidental.

If I think someone might kill me, then I need to get away from them. Do not collect $200, pass go, say goodbye or anything of the sort and especially don't tell him you are TS.

Romance is fantastic -- but murder and mayhem are not.

Deniz, trust your own feeling about this. You think this fella might be dangerous? Trust that. He is.

Nichole 

[Jordan]

Nichole,

Probally right, but this is a tough call.

I'll call up a straight guy friend and ask him.

ring,ring Ok im back heres what he said:

"I would probally rather not know, I would feel like I was tricked and It would make me hate your community, I consider myself straight, and although you consider your self straight liking guys and all, I would see you as a gay individual cause you still have your penis, If you sprung it on me, and I had been lied to, yeah Id probally end up at least hitting you, but stop there, I would think I would need theraphy down the road cause it wouldnt sit well in me."

I said thanks to my friend his name is Matt by the way, so theres a opinion from a straight guy.

Good luck Deniz...

[debbie.j]

Look, I know its so easy to say just walk away, but there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul.  Would you want to live your life in hate of yourself for just walking away, I mean I would suggest getting some form of protection to ensure he cannot hurt you...

Like at the restaurant, hire a body guard to sit at another table, just in case...

You never know, asure him that if he cannot handle it, you arent gonna tell anyone, you will just walk away, I dont think this will turn out as bad as it may sound.

But Deniz you did mess up...


Also I just wanna add, that you could twist it a little, What if you told him you wanted to become a Man, say you are a FTM, and see what he says... Think about it.

Mara, I appreciate young romance, or old romance. But I also appreciate how many women do exactly as you suggest and get killed or maimed because of it. They also think "there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul."

And in doing so the soul gets eased into another plane of existence away from the body.

Plus, there's a very good reason that Deniz said: "i found the love of my life, who might take my own life as you say" She knows, don't you, Deniz. You absolutely have that premonition and it doesn't just come out of nowhere, nor is it accidental.

If I think someone might kill me, then I need to get away from them. Do not collect $200, pass go, say goodbye or anything of the sort and especially don't tell him you are TS.

Romance is fantastic -- but murder and mayhem are not.

Deniz, trust your own feeling about this. You think this fella might be dangerous? Trust that. He is.

Nichole 

i have to agree with you nichole as it is the truth


deniz hun take it from some one whom has been there at that point. and was just lucky to get out when i

did and just RUN  away please .

[NicholeW.]

Nichole,

Probally right, but this is a tough call.

I'll call up a straight guy friend and ask him.

ring,ring Ok im back heres what he said:

"I would probally rather not know, I would feel like I was tricked and It would make me hate your community, I consider myself straight, and although you consider your self straight liking guys and all, I would see you as a gay individual cause you still have your penis, If you sprung it on me, and I had been lied to, yeah Id probally end up at least hitting you, but stop there, I would think I would need theraphy down the road cause it wouldnt sit well in me."

I said thanks to my friend his name is Matt by the way, so theres a opinion from a straight guy.

Good luck Deniz...

No, Mara, it is NOT a tough call. For you it may be a tough call. For me it is absolutely the only call.

When you work with women every day for eight years who have been sexually abused, raped, beaten and have some of them 'make a tough call' and get shot, beaten to death, dismembered ... NO, it is NOT a tough call.

The life of this girl, Deniz, is NOT a tough call. She NEEDS to get the heck away from this guy on the swiftest and nearest jet available. She can worry if she made a mistake when she is far, far away.

I appreciate what you are trying to say, but I trust my gut, developed by years of working with exactly the sorts of women, and sometimes men and sometimes TS, who have exactly these situations arise and then get 1) very physically injured or 2) killed.

I don't want to discover somehow that this one woman has been added to the dead people I once knew in some way.

You don't agree, fine. But, trust me. This situation stinks to high heaven and Deniz is in danger.

Am I pissed? O, yes, and I will be even more if she goes against her own instincts and stays with this guy. Because she will very likely become yet another statistic.

So, Mara, in this case please ponder over how difficult a choice it is. Let someone with a ton of experience of similar situations go ahead and find it not hard at all.

Deniz, stay away from this guy no matter how much it hurts your heart to leave him! Better a heart beating inside your breast and hurting than one that doesn't beat at all.

Nichole

[tinkerbell]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, Deniz.  It's indeed a difficult situation, and I am with Nichole, Rebis, and Cindi, that you should break it off before everything gets worse.  But again, that is just my personal opinion.  Good luck on whatever you decide to do. 

tink

[buttercup]

I think we all pretty much agree, just turn and walk away!  Please listen to all this advice everyone is giving because I am afraid there is no romance in this situation.  There really isn't.  This guy has put you on a pedestal, you haven't had sex with him, he will go absolutely troppo if you tell him or he finds out!!  Tell him any lie you like, just don't tell him the truth, not even in a letter!
Honestly, he will forget what a beautiful human being you are, he will just think of himself and the lies and the guy thing!!!
It will destroy him and then he will destroy you!  I cannot believe he will not act any other way but lash out at you!  This very thing just happened here in Australia, the guy found out from the cops that his gf was a ts, he broke nearly every bone in her face!!! 

[Jordan]

Nichole,

Probally right, but this is a tough call.

I'll call up a straight guy friend and ask him.

ring,ring Ok im back heres what he said:

"I would probally rather not know, I would feel like I was tricked and It would make me hate your community, I consider myself straight, and although you consider your self straight liking guys and all, I would see you as a gay individual cause you still have your penis, If you sprung it on me, and I had been lied to, yeah Id probally end up at least hitting you, but stop there, I would think I would need theraphy down the road cause it wouldnt sit well in me."

I said thanks to my friend his name is Matt by the way, so theres a opinion from a straight guy.

Good luck Deniz...

In what part of this did you get that I am supporting her staying or telling him??

My friend said he would beat a person that did that did that to him, and that it would hurt him deeply later in life.

My hope was that deniz would read that and make a informed decision that she will most likely get beat, and hurt the man much much deeper than if she just left him.

[Chaunte]

Deniz,

As teh old saying goes, sometimes you can't see the forest because of the trees...

You are in the middle of this so it can be difficult to think clearly.  The very fact that you posted says that your intuition is senseing something your conscious mind doesn't yet see.

No matter how you slice it, we all seem to be in agreement.  You need to leave this relationship right away. 

Tell him whatever you want.  Say that you are looking at schools far away.  Tell him you are entering a convent.  But you need to get out now.

Chaunte

[tekla]

I'm kind of shocked that in the haste to paint every guy as some sort of psychopath, why does that brush not paint both sides of the fence?

This guy (this poor guy) gives you his heart, his word, his oath - and you did not ever come close to telling him the truth.  Look, I don't think that everyone you meet, or you dry cleaner needs that info, but people in a romantic relationship leading to intimacy and possibly a wedding - those people ARE entitled to the truth somewhere between the first date and the oath.

He sounds like a very tradition based, old fashioned kind of guy, and again, nothing wrong in that - but to play him to suit your romantic dreams, while caring nothing for his, is pretty sad stuff.  Moreover, I suspect there is some sort of non-mainstream religion deal going on here (Catholics, Southern Baptists, Jews - don't do 'oaths' two years in advance of the wedding.  And to that tradition, you have also been less than honest.

I do not believe in justifications for violence - however I also know what people playing with loaded weapons looks like, and, as they say - it don't end well.

[deniz]

I'm kind of shocked that in the haste to paint every guy as some sort of psychopath, why does that brush not paint both sides of the fence?

This guy (this poor guy) gives you his heart, his word, his oath - and you did not ever come close to telling him the truth.  Look, I don't think that everyone you meet, or you dry cleaner needs that info, but people in a romantic relationship leading to intimacy and possibly a wedding - those people ARE entitled to the truth somewhere between the first date and the oath.

He sounds like a very tradition based, old fashioned kind of guy, and again, nothing wrong in that - but to play him to suit your romantic dreams, while caring nothing for his, is pretty sad stuff.  Moreover, I suspect there is some sort of non-mainstream religion deal going on here (Catholics, Southern Baptists, Jews - don't do 'oaths' two years in advance of the wedding.  And to that tradition, you have also been less than honest.

I do not believe in justifications for violence - however I also know what people playing with loaded weapons looks like, and, as they say - it don't end well.

First of all, thank you all for your interest.
                                                         I agree with all of you,although sth inside me agrees more with those who encourage me to tell him and hope. Yes i know it is risky but i have to mention two more things.
Greece is a very different country. No hate crimes occur. People do not have guns. It is highly unlikely a greek man to posses and use gun unless he is a cop. However, a story like mine is sth HIGLY unusual to take place.So that factor can not been taken into consideration.
4 months ago, i TOLD HIM I CAN NOT HAVE CHIILDREN BECAUSE OF SOME HEALTH PROBLEMS. He became blue, he was deeply understanding though.He told me we can adapt. He even asked his mother, if it is possible nowdays a woman not to be able to have chidren, due to new technology and so. I mean he was understanding but i am sure he would fight for it. He talks about family stuff a lot. But again, adaption was sth he proposed.
I know the decision is mine. And it might be the wrong one.However, I am more romantic than the average, and that makes me jeopardize:(

[lady amarant]

TOLD HIM I CAN NOT HAVE CHIILDREN BECAUSE OF SOME HEALTH PROBLEMS. He became blue, he was deeply understanding though.He told me we can adapt. He even asked his mother, if it is possible nowdays a woman not to be able to have chidren, due to new technology and so. I mean he was understanding but i am sure he would fight for it. He talks about family stuff a lot. But again, adaption was sth he proposed.
I know the decision is mine. And it might be the wrong one.However, I am more romantic than the average, and that makes me jeopardize:(

Hey Deniz,

It sounds like he might be worth a bit more credit that we have been giving him, but if you are going to tell him, PLEASE just make sure that you have a backup plan incase things go horribly wrong. If you tell him, I am hoping with all my heart that things work out well, just please don't do it without preparing properly first.

[Seshatneferw]

Oops, you are Greek -- I had assumed you were from somewhere in the US outback (which is silly of me, living in the opposite edge of the EU from you). Sorry.

This changes things a bit, as from what I've understood violence in Greece is very different from violence in the US, the male/female relationships are different, and the LGBT issues are not politically polarised quite in the same way. In other words, take the advice you've got with a grain or two of salt. We are less likely to guess correctly how a homophobic boy from Athens reacts than how a homophobic boy from Houston would (and also the connection between homophobia and transphobia).

Still, like Tekla said, his question about your need to study is what I'd call a bad sign. I'd also be quite upset if someone proposed to me in front of a largish crowd, without talking about it in private first. Then again, in both cases it may be just my cultural background -- in these matters there is something of a north/south division in Europe. You are much better equipped to figure out what these things mean in your case.

I guess the bottom line is, don't take our advice too literally, but please think about these matters. If you can find a way to find out how he'd be likely to react do so; and also keep in mind that one aspect of this is about your keeping things from him. And consider what you want from life, both in terms of romance and career. In any case, good luck.

  Nfr

[RebeccaFog]

I'm kind of shocked that in the haste to paint every guy as some sort of psychopath, why does that brush not paint both sides of the fence?

every living thing with testicles is a psychopath.


Isn't it?



I guess if your country isn't as violent, I could see how you would think differently.  People in the U.S. get shot sometimes just for driving badly (no joke).

[lady amarant]

Post lost due to idiotically confusing "Quote" and "Modify". ... having a very silly day I am ...

[Jordan]

Regardless of where you are, I have a feeling it will hurt him more to know, than if you just simply left him.

Think about it, you leave him, he will be all sad and what not, hell be all like she was the one.

You tell him, hell be, holy ->-bleeped-<- I slept with a guy, he will probally never be the same, even if you havent been intimate, I think that is a really scaring thing to do to a guy.

[tekla]

Agreed. 

[joannatsf]

Ha!  I was thinking Athens, GA!  Greece, now that's a horse of a different color.  My understanding is that Greek men don't consider it gay to top other men.  The bottom is a different story.  He's a homo for sure!  That attitude is common in South America, too.

As an American I try to build in plausable deniability into most things I say.  My advice on telling him was prefaced by "If you feel the need to be honest..." and that advice still holds true.  It's up to you.

I'm a little surprised at the adamancy of some posters.  We have scant information about this man yet some stand ready to condemn him (and all men) as a violent thug to be mortally feared .  Because of my work I tend to look for pathology in the behavior of other people.  But I need to remind myself that psychosis is the exception rather than the rule.  Not all bad behavior indicates illness.  Not every man is a woman killer.  Let us know the outcome, Deniz.

BTW great English!  You write like a native speaker.

[tekla]

Hell, she writes better than most of the native speakers I've had the pleasure to teach.  Most of the native speakers I have taught write it like its a second language.

But, people are - or have - a right, to want what they want.  It does not make them good or bad.  Just real.

I tell people as soon as its necessary and possible.  Some go "Thanks, but no thanks."  Other say: "but of course, that's what I'm into."  I'm not about to find out what people think when they have been fooled, I know that all to well, and its not a good thing.

[deniz]

Hell, she writes better than most of the native speakers I've had the pleasure to teach.  Most of the native speakers I have taught write it like its a second language.

But, people are - or have - a right, to want what they want.  It does not make them good or bad.  Just real.

I tell people as soon as its necessary and possible.  Some go "Thanks, but no thanks."  Other say: "but of course, that's what I'm into."  I'm not about to find out what people think when they have been fooled, I know that all to well, and its not a good thing.

Please don;t judge me wrong. It was not a trick to have sex with him.Love came along. Call me a drama queen. I will tell you a story.about 3 years ago the most attractive boy in college asked me out. he had met me in a party.We dated for about 4-5 times.He seemed in love.i liked him.i was not that feminime but i was attractive. Anyway. i told him my secret before i kissed him.( i am in love he told me.. i freaked so i told him) and he replied
No dude, i am not gay
PS HE HAD INTRODUCED ME TO ALL HIS FRIENDS because he has proud dating me(apperance factor) .After the truth came along i turned from a beautiful girl TO A DUDE!!!no thanks. i am not transition to be a dude with a ->-bleeped-<-(forgive my language) i am in pain. and you made me hostile.i am sorry

[Seshatneferw]

Please don;t judge me wrong. It was not a trick to have sex with him.Love came along.

Yes, it was pretty clear already in your first post that this affair grew from you supporting him into something much more, and in such a way that there never was a good or natural opportunity for you to tell him. I don't think people are blaming you in this, even when pointing out that by now you are clearly at a stage where he should already know. Not anyone's fault, but still not good, especially for you.

If you want, we can call you a drama queen. I'll gladly pretend to be an art critic. 

Anyway, good luck with this, and please let us know how it goes.

  Nfr