To tell or not to tell...

[amy2003]

I would like to hear from post-op girls, and actual specific experiences.  I am pre-op, and am trying to justify some things in my head in order to stay sane between now and surgery.  I know what I SAY I will do, but you never know until you are actually there.

If you are stealth at work and routinely tell dates, do you worry that these people will out you at work?  Do you date guys you met through work, but not necessarily at work?

I am aware that you can potentially live forever without anyone, including your husband knowing, but I don't think I would want to.  I want a guy who isn't homosexual, but knows me inside and out and loves me for who I am.  I just can't imagine the risk you go through every new guy you date, wondering how he will react.  Obviously I wouldn't tell someone on the first date, but maybe after a month or so?

Again, the poll is for post-op girls.  I would like some idea of how many people ACTUALLY do or do not tell.

Thanks!

Amy

[Buffy]

This is always a difficult question and one which is very much down to the individual and their own circumstances.

I have dated many guys since SRS and to date have not told any about my past history, I cant see the point of outing myself for what may not be more than a one night stand.

I have had boyfriends of up to 6 months in duration and still havent told them anything of my past.

However, If things did become serious, I liked someone (I guess to the point of loving them), then yes, I would be honest and open, even at the risk that the relationship may end because of it.

I my general life I have only told two people that I trust and know I can rely on.

Buffy

[tinkerbell]

This is a quote from a long time ago:

I don't usually discuss my past with people at work (I don't know if they know, and I really don't care if they do)  or people I just meet, but if someone asks me an honest question about my life, I will certainly tell them the truth. 
As far as telling someone in a relationship, well... in my opinion, that's something different, and I think a boyfriend deserves to know everything about the person s/he is romantically involved with.   

Tink

I have never encountered such situation.  My ex-boyfriend knew because we had met in "my previous life", and he basically helped me out through my transition.  My current boyfriend knows because he's also TS; however, if I were in a different situation with a different guy who didn't know about my past, I would definitely tell him the truth.

tink

[tekla]

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want to know?

[tinkerbell]

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want to know?

Not really.  From a woman's perspective, genitals are not important in the relationship I am now.  If I thought otherwise, I wouldn't be with him, so I don't think it would matter at all if my experience were with a different FTM.


tink

[Wing Walker]

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want to know?

If I walk, talk, look, dress, behave, and have the fragrance of a woman, I would tell no one, ever.  As long as I was satisfying the one in my life, I see no reason to "break the spell."

Wing Walker

[tinkerbell]

I feel I need to add this though.  Genitals are not important to me but if the person I am with is a FTM, he must pass as a male 100% (meaning that he needs to be on testosterone, have a male chest + male secondary sexual characteristics as voice, hair, etc....the bottom part is NOT an issue for me.

 


tink

[tekla]

I love people, not genders.  But I do love truth too.  So if its for a night or two - hey I like words like "honey," 'baby," and "dear" so I don't even have to get into that whole 'name deal.'  But for some sort of LTR, I do want to know what kind of background, what kind of baggage, what kind of life they had.  I am sure I could love an FtM, or an MtF and have had some good times with both - but, and its a huge but - I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is telling me stories that begin "when I was a little girl" when they were never a little girl.  The struggle in their life to become who they are is the warp and woof of the fabric of their life, and more than likely, the strength of character that makes them who they are.  Why deny it? 

[Purple Pimp]

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is telling me stories that begin "when I was a little girl" when they were never a little girl.

I don't know about this...

I know that I was never a little girl in the eyes of those around me (a very effeminate little boy, but not a little girl).  But still, to lessen the cognitive dissonance, I'll probably talk about myself as having been a little girl should anyone inquire in the future, even if they know that I'm trans.  And why not?  We live in a binary gender system, and to lay claim to conflicting ones when referring to the past seems... unnecessary.

Lia

[tekla]

Well then, does your SO then have a right to lie to you?  Why not?  That criminal past, the years they spend doing bad things?  Does your not telling the truth, give them that self-same right?

[jenny_]

I know that I was never a little girl in the eyes of those around me (a very effeminate little boy, but not a little girl).  But still, to lessen the cognitive dissonance, I'll probably talk about myself as having been a little girl should anyone inquire in the future, even if they know that I'm trans.  And why not?  We live in a binary gender system, and to lay claim to conflicting ones when referring to the past seems... unnecessary.

Lia

I broadly agree with you, it does make sense to refer to ourselves as a little girl (or boy for ftm) since we are female.  Though the fact we were perceived as male and brought up as male does necessarily create conflict in our histories, I think.  For example since I went to beavers, cubs and scouts it is stranger to talk about that as being a girl (though there was another girl in scouts).

Well then, does your SO then have a right to lie to you?  Why not?  That criminal past, the years they spend doing bad things?  Does your not telling the truth, give them that self-same right?

Surely those circumstances are different.  Having a criminal past or not is a matter of fact.  Whereas whether your were a girl or a boy whilst growing up is more subjective - I believe that i was always a girl during my childhood, though most people who knew me then would say I was a boy

[Wing Walker]

Well then, does your SO then have a right to lie to you?  Why not?  That criminal past, the years they spend doing bad things?  Does your not telling the truth, give them that self-same right?

This is just my silly feeling about "lying" to my SO.

If I have a criminal past and I have paid for my crimes, I don't need to be judged more than once, so I wouldn't subject myself to anyone else's judgment.

I would not hesitate to tell an SO that I am a recovering alcoholic because I am.  It would eliminate up-front any questions about having wine with supper.  My sobriety date is September 6, 2002. 

As I am not HIV-positive I have no real idea of how I would tell an SO but I would because it is not fair to expose someone to my HIV, regardless of how I got it (blood transfusion, accident with body fluids or needles used by an HIV-positive patient or other person, bitten by a collared miscreant if I was a cop, I think that you can see where this is going.

Being on probation or parole needs to be told up-front because it's so hard to hide.

If an SO does not deem it proper to set themselves up for "double jeopardy," I can see why.

What crime has one committed by making their body, mind, soul, and spirit congruent with one another?

Wing Walker

[pippisday]

I have been lied to! and I think in the start truth need's to be told! if not there is alot of hurt and pain, one will not get over. please always be honest!. pippi

[Natasha]

What crime has one committed by making their body, mind, soul, and spirit congruent with one another?

Wing Walker

none!  i agree with you.  hubby knows because he was a long time friend, yet i can assure you that he's the last person to know about my past.  period.

[tekla]

If you don't enter into a relationship with the truth, should your SO?  Or are they the only party to the truth, which to you, is, at best, relative.

[cindianna_jones]

Right after my surgery and when I was able, I did want to test the waters.  I wanted to know if I could control a guy with a smile.  I found out that I could and I sent two business men home from their trips with smiles on their faces.  I hope their wives divorced them.  I'm was too cruel and no, I did not tell.

I dated a few men after that and I was not all that interested in sexual encounters.  One guy wanted to marry me.  I did not tell him. I didn't love him.  The guy that I ended up falling for, I told.  It was the hardest thing in the world for me.  I'm glad that he loved me.  We'll have 16 married years together this September.

Cindi

[tinkerbell]

I think telling or not telling is a VERY PERSONAL DECISION and NO ONE is supposed to tell you "this" or "that".  Having said that, I now return you to your regular progamming.

tink

[amy2003]

I think telling or not telling is a VERY PERSONAL DECISION and NO ONE is supposed to tell you "this" or "that".  Having said that, I now return you to your regular progamming.

tink

I agree with you, Tink.  While I am always up for a good debate, the reason I started this thread was to find out how girls handled it that were post-op, since I am not and can have no idea how I might react.  I had a hunch though, and the results of this poll agree with my hunch.  Short relationship... nah.  LTR, yeah.  I imagine I will.  I personally can't see being a "life partner" without knowing each other through & through.

I should add that I am very scared about that fateful day when I have fallen for someone and have made the decision to tell them.  Hopefully I will have the strangth to tell them.  Although, that would mean I will have made it to surgery, and that means I am strong enough for anything!

Thanks for all the replies, girls!  Keep 'em coming

Amy

[cindianna_jones]

Amy,  by the time you fall in love with someone, hopefully you will know that person  pretty well.  I knew what my hubby felt about gays and the other colorful things that go on in the bay area.  He seemed pretty cool about it all.  Still I would not tell him.  I waited until "I" could hold it in no more.  I also made sure that we had no intimate relations until it was out in the open.  I could not betray him in that way. He understood immediately when I did tell him.... for there were so many messages passed back and forth that needed no words between us.  He understood that the reason we had not had sex until then had been this secret I felt I needed to share first, that I thought the truth might hurt him, and that I would not take advantage of him until I had told him.

Pretty deep huh?  I know it sounds very complicated, but it was over in a few moments and he told me that he loved me more than ever for telling him.  He's home tonight and tomorrow is his birthday!  I'm going to make him a nice breakfast and take him to a nice restaurant for supper!

Cindi

[kirakero]

I disclose who I am before I get to know someone that may very well possibly be in a relationship with me later.  I prefer to be open with it since they deserve to know - not because I'm somehow different from a girl, but because I want to trust them with who I am.