I spoke to my mother last night.
The hard part happened years ago, when she discovered me dressed in my sister's clothes.
It was the most horrifying experience of my life. But she never showed the least bit of disapproval -- which was hardly a comfort at the time, as I was far to young, conflicted, and self-hating to be able to even speak about my issues with gender.
So we never spoke about it, though she knew it wouldn't just go away. I want to start therapy, and I told her this recently, and she offered financial support without my asking -- she knows that as a poor starving grad student I can't really afford it. Well, last night I took her up on the offer. But I can't in good conscience take her money if she doesn't know what she's paying for; so I told her.
I told her of how long and how constant my struggle with gender has been; how it's something that is at the front of my mind every day, and has been for most of my life; and that now, being emotionally prepared to deal with it, I might transition; that this is one of the paths I might take; that it's the path that I think I should take; that my reason for wanting therapy is to make that decision, and follow through with it.
She simply said that she wants me to be happy, and that it makes no difference to her what I feel I need to do to be happy. And that she loves me. I know.
All parents will fail in some ways. It's the hardest job in the world, and none of us can ever be prepared for it. But there's only one thing that matters in being a parent: that you love your children with all your heart. And I feel so blessed to have parents who do.
If I decide to transition, I will have to tell my father, and I know him well enough to know it will hurt him, at least at first. And I know he will come to accept it too and will support me, because he is so intensely loyal to the people he loves. But I dread it nonetheless.
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... or, not. >
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Why has she turn around and blow it by being so damn stupid?!? >
