Learn to accept yourself before coming out to spouse?

[Ella~]

Hi. This is my first post here.

Is there ever a good reason to wait to tell your spouse that you are struggling with your gender identity? I know that in an honest and loving relationship the simple answer should absolutely be "yes". But... what if you yourself don't know how you feel about the struggle? What if you haven't the slightest idea what you are going to do about it? What if you *hope* it will just all go away? In short, shouldn't you have made some sort of peace with it yourself before you tell?

I've been waiting. But, good intentions or not, I'm starting to worry that I'm making a mistake by doing so. I love my wife dearly and am getting close to telling her. But, I have no experience with this kind of thing. Is it right to tell her if I'm not sure about it myself, if I haven't completely accepted it myself?

[Ms.Behavin]

Hi Ella

Boy you have to start with the tough question.  In truth, only you will know when it's time.  Though it sounds like your really on the fence one way or another.   For me, looking back,  I probably would have waited longer before I can out to my SO, though in the end the result would have been the same.  Some marriages survive the coming out,  but alas a fair number don't.

It also depends how she care's about you.  It may be that a frank and open dscussion about what your carring inside might help both of you to come to terms with it.  Have you talked to a therapist yet.  That may be the first step.  Talking to someone first about your own struggles to help resolve your inner conflicts one way or another.  You might consider that before coming out to your SO.

FYI. we have all struggled with the "Gee I can't be a transsexual" thoughts, very normal, and gee some arn't.  However it goes for you, I hope it goes well. 

Oh and welcome to susans.  Ask any questions, as we have all been there before.

Beni

[Ella~]

Thanks Beni. I'm leaning towards telling her. I know for sure that I'm struggling with my gender identity. That much is certain. I think that she needs to know that now, even though I haven't made any real peace with it myself and don't know what I will/should or want to do about it.

I did see a gender therapist a couple of times last year. I was hoping she would tell me this was something else or that it would just go away. But, she didn't.

I've been kind of frozen.

Thanks again for your advise.

[Benjamin]

Hey Ella -

I'm new here, too.  Finally signed up last night after having lurked here for almost a year.

As Beni touched upon, I think you'll know when it's time.  Your gut will tell you, I think. 

Before telling my spouse, I "came out" to my 2 closest friends and then a pastor (whom I didn't even know... but, that's another story in and of itself.  )  I confided with only those 3 people for around a year before I finally told my spouse this past August. 

My spouse and I are extremely close.  I had never hid anything from him before (besides this.)  So I felt terribly guilty for not telling him when other people already knew.  Felt as though I was "cheating" on him, in a way.  And yet, I don't regret not having told him sooner.  I wanted to spare him from the stress until I knew for sure that I wanted to proceed with transitioning. 

I'm glad I waited.  By the time I told him, I was also clear about how I wanted to open the subject matter.  In our first conversation about it, I kept it very simple, telling him that I had these gender conflicted feelings.  And then with the next talk (the next day), I edged into explaining to him what I wanted to do about it.  And with each new talk, we grew into the changes/ideas together.  He responded very openly and supportively.  I think "pacing" the discussions helped him a lot. 

Now we've progressed enough that we comfortably enter the men's restroom together...  a neat milestone... although I'm sure there will many many more adjustments, milestones, and tears to come. (Even though we're positive we'll stay married, the "tears" are part of his -- and my -- grieving process of leaving behind what was.)

Good luck.  Nice meeting you.

[Ella~]

Thanks for the reply Benjamin. I think that the way you handled coming out to your spouse is pretty much the way I would like mine to go. I've heard that letting it unfold over a few conversations is usually better than one big one because it is such a big thing for the other person to absorb all at once. I'm sure too that once I do fess up, I still won't really know exactly what I'm going to do about my GID. That alone will mean I will have to let it come out over more than one talk.

I know exactly how you feel when you say that you felt like you were cheating on him somehow. I feel the same way about what I'm doing by not saying anything to my wife. But, at the same time, I think it would be worse if I didn't think it through at least a little bit more. I've always been honest with her about everything else, but this - this is something else...

Thanks for sharing your story. It's given me some hope. Good luck to you!

[Benjamin]

Hi Ella -

Sounds as though you and your wife have a solid base.  I'm curious whether there have been any other issues along the way that have shown you how understanding and accepting she is towards you?  If so, could that past pattern possibly ease your anxiety, even just a bit? 

When I knew I was ready to "come out" to my husband, I entered the conversation remembering how he and I have always successfully and nonjudgmentally handled other issues in our lives. 

We can never know for 100% certain how another person will react to such life-altering news, and yet, based upon our strong history, I was 99% sure my news wouldn't end our marriage.  And so, my worries were more along the line of not wanting to break his heart (by taking his "wife" away).  I was also worried (for him and for me) that he wouldn't feel comfortable touching me anymore.  Like, even though I knew I wouldn't lose his love, would we lose simple--and yet life-affirming--enjoyments, such as snuggling, etc.

Something you might want to consider if/when you tell your wife, which helped my husband tons was: During our first conversation about it, I started out by saying, "What I'm about to tell you, doesn't at all affect how I feel about you or whether or not I want to stay married.  But it might affect how you feel about me." 

Anyhow....as I've evolved to a more and more masculine appearance, we've stopped holding hands and hugging in public.  But, at home, behind closed doors, NOTHING has changed.  (Read between the lines with that one.  )  And he has repeatedly reassured me that he doubts those things will ever change.

You said that you think it would be worse if you don't think it through a little more before telling your wife.  I certainly can't know what's best for you, and yet, I sense you have good gut instincts.  Following one's "gut" almost never fails.

- Benjamin   





Posted on: March 11, 2008, 08:54:30 AMP.S.  I want to be clear (to everyone out there) that I understand I'm lucky.  I'm not sugar-coating the realities of what happens to marriages. 

[Beyond]

Hi. This is my first post here.

Is there ever a good reason to wait to tell your spouse that you are struggling with your gender identity? I know that in an honest and loving relationship the simple answer should absolutely be "yes". But... what if you yourself don't know how you feel about the struggle? What if you haven't the slightest idea what you are going to do about it? What if you *hope* it will just all go away? In short, shouldn't you have made some sort of peace with it yourself before you tell?

I've been waiting. But, good intentions or not, I'm starting to worry that I'm making a mistake by doing so. I love my wife dearly and am getting close to telling her. But, I have no experience with this kind of thing. Is it right to tell her if I'm not sure about it myself, if I haven't completely accepted it myself?

In my experience I would say don't wait.  The reason being self-acceptance can take years.  Just when you think you're there you peel another layer off the onion.  I'm 5 years down the road and post-op and I can tell you I'm still working on some things.  Life is a journey, don't wait until everthings perfect because that day may never come.

The biggest thing when you're first starting out, in my opinion, is FEAR.  That's where working with a therapist comes in handy, because once you get a handle on it (fear) you can do anything.  Another problem when starting out is transition looks like a HUGE mountain.  Keep the goal in the back of your mind, but concentrate on today, the next step and take them one at a time.  Don't look any further than the next bend in the trail, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You do that and pretty soon you'll find your self-confidence is growing and before you know it transition takes on a life of it's own. 

Good Luck!