Giving Up

[Veetje]

Ive been crying as I type this but I needed to get this off my chest...

Ive been really longing for a partner for years and nothing never really happened

And the more gradually I get in touch with my transgender identity the chances are getting slimmer and slimmer

Straight women think Im too femme and drama/theatrical

Lesbians think Im still too much male

And I am mostly interested in (dark-haired) women, no other transwomen or men

So I have reached a point where I am just going to say"PErhaps in a few years from now Ill just drink a few beers( Something I never do, I dont drink) on a late night in December and make a 40 year old lonely guy happy for a night"

Its hard but I need to accept I dont get a partner

/rant off

[Ms.Behavin]

It is hard, but then again don't forget all the Bi people out there.   As someone in a relationship with a Bi woman, let me say that it can and does happen.   Sometimes when you least expect it.  Go out and do things, have fun and meet people.  The law of averages says that you'll meet someone who thinks your great, given a little time and a bit of luck.

I spent a lot of evenings crying,  most of us have.  It does seem impossible but don't loose hope for I believe there is a person out there for everone.  But like the easter egg, you just need to look in the right place to find them.

Take care

Beni

[Robyn]

Its hard but I need to accept I dont get a partner

Maybe at age 95, Veetje, but now?  No you don't need to accept that.

What you DO have to accept is that no one else can make you happy; accept being alone without being lonely.  You may feel that you 'need' someone; so the universe hands you need.  Or that you 'want' someone, and the universe hands you want.

Once you realize that you can be happy while being alone (in the partner sense), that you can be active and happy, that you don't have 'need' or 'want,' THEN the universe will see that you are ready to share with another like-minded soul.  Then you can be on the lookout for that seeming 'coincidence' that brings someone special into your life.  Synchronicity.  There are no coincidences.

Just be open to that small voice within.  Be ready to offer a smile at that chance meeting.

My husband waited 12 years; I waited two.  "What took you so long?" he asked.  An unlikely meeting full of 'coincidence.'  We were ready, we were open, we were listening.  We've been married now for 8 years.

Dry your eyes, get active, find friends, and don't worry about love.  It will find you when you are ready.  And it will surprise you.

Offer yourself to some 40 year-old ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-?  I don't think so.  Not my darlin' girl, Veetje.

Love and light

Robyn
Been there; done that; have the tee-shirt

[Terra]

First of all hun. 

I can relate to the feeling of being alone. I searched hard for someone what seems forever, and only got heartache. But here in this town I have found someone, and I can honestly say I never saw it coming.

I suggest as well that you just make friends and enjoy life. It will happen when it happens. When it does, it most likely be with someone you will care for and love very much that you perhaps never expected to. Love is one of those things that gets you when you least expect it. 

[samanthawhalen]

I'm sitting here contemplating giving up, too.  Just a few hours ago I took some photos of my hair, and I CAN NOT BELIEVE how much balding I have.  It's way worse than I though.  Makes me want to hang myself.  Yes, I can wear a wig, but that won't "be the same", and with my luck the damn thing would probably blow off in the wind right when I'm surrounded by people.  I know that it's only a matter of circumstances, but I WISH that I could be where I am now in my life and with ->-bleeped-<-, 15 years ago....or more. 

[tekla]

For every kink, perversion, taste, flavor in the sexual universe there is another person with it. 

[samanthawhalen]

For every kink, perversion, taste, flavor in the sexual universe there is another person with it. 

Who was that directed toward?  How I feel about wearing a wig has nothing to do with any of the things you mentioned.

[Robyn]

I'm sitting here contemplating giving up, too.  Just a few hours ago I took some photos of my hair, and I CAN NOT BELIEVE how much balding I have.  It's way worse than I though.  Makes me want to hang myself.  Yes, I can wear a wig, but that won't "be the same", and with my luck the damn thing would probably blow off in the wind right when I'm surrounded by people. 

Wigs aren't really a problem.  They are versatile and very easy to care for (except in equatorial jungle heat, maybe).  You don't shampoo them all that often, never have to cut them; and can 'shake and wear.' 

And giving up doesn't really work.  The GID just comes back and bites you worse next time.

Robyn

[samanthawhalen]

This damn GID does keep coming back and biting me in the butt.  Now that you've mentioned, I just want to cry.  It's not your fault, it's just that ALMOST EVERY DAY I struggle with trying to "be a guy".  Square my shoulders, pretend to not be emotional, try to sound manly, nod at the women (instead of resenting them because I can't look like them).  It's incredibly difficult.  Hell, wouldn't surprise me one bit if part of my baldness has to do with the stress brought on by my GID.  It's the same stories many others here have had, but it doesn't make it any less authentic a life of hell for me.  At the same time I have a 21 month old BEAUTIFUL and SWEET son (how on earth he turned out to be so beautiful when neither my wife or I are what you would call 'handsome') I don't know.  I am torn by the reality that I am transsexual (have not be diagnosed, but it's something that I "know" about myself), yet I whittle the pain away by just telling myself that I am transgendered.  That way, I can sort of be myself, yet not to face the loss of not being "daddy" anymore, and my wife losing her "husband".  On top of that, my family has told me over the years to just be myself, yet when I did I was told that I was strange.  And, being myself never made me any friends.  My family would never accept what I am really am, though deep down I have to think they know what I really am.  It just sucks.  I'm going to get a therapist to deal with this, but while I am excited about the prospect of going on hormones, I *know* where this is going.  Anyway, getting back to the GID continuing to come back.  It couldn't have been two weeks ago that I was excited about the deep voice I had acquired from a sinus infection.  I felt so manly.  Then POOF!  The next day I was manicuring my nails and putting nail polish on them when my wife was at work.  Shortly after that I experienced a lot of guilt over my fingernails being long and pretty.  People were looking at them in public.  I felt very feminine, MYSELF, but at the same time I felt like a freak.  My tire went out on my truck and I was trying like hell to keep my fingernails hidden from my father who was helping me replace the tire.  He notices EVERYTHING, and he used to beat the **** out of me as a child.  This morning I was laying in bed dreaming about being a girl.  In my dream I was wearing a pink top made of silk-like fabric, a pair of shorts barely covering my butt, and my legs were long and slender (that much fortunately is true in real life for me).  I had long, curly blonde hair, and  a very feminine face.  I don't have much trouble speaking with a higher pitch, like a girl does.  When I communicate with my son, when my wife isn't around, I RARELY speak like a man.  I'm basically his back-up mom

[Jay]

For every kink, perversion, taste, flavor in the sexual universe there is another person with it. 

Its just finding that person!

[Seshatneferw]

This damn GID does keep coming back and biting me in the butt.  Now that you've mentioned, I just want to cry.  It's not your fault, it's just that ALMOST EVERY DAY I struggle with trying to "be a guy".

How much do you have to be a guy? What would happen if you showed your emotions, or were open about lacquering your nails, or wore a pretty pink shirt? In short, could you meet your GID half-way?

An important first step is to figure out what is important to you. GID is near the top -- there's no way you can ignore it, but the exact way of dealing with it may be open to some extent. By the sound of it, your son is near the top too, and I'd assume so is your wife. Start with trying to fit those three together: try to think about what you can do about the GID so that it does not break your marriage. If you find a solution, you have got over the worst of it, although unfortunately that can be a big if. The next step would be to reconcile that answer with the need to live in the society at large. Will you still be able to find work, or walk on the streets without getting mugged too often, or stay out of jail? If you can do that too, you are essentially safe. As a third step, try to figure out how to keep a civil relationship with your parents, siblings and old friends.

That's my take on how it is, and I may not have guessed your priorities correctly. Still, the main thing is to think about what you want or need, how important those things are, and what you would not be willing to give up. And remember that a dead dad would be much harder for your son than a live second mum.

  Nfr

[Gina_Taylor]

Hey Veetje,

Don't give up, The ship has hardly started to sink and you're ready to abandoned it. Now grant it, I felt exactly that same way a few times, buy I just kept on perservering amd right out of the blue form a simple PM I met Jessi and now we're going to get married. Who would have thought??? But I do agree 100% with Robyn:  Dry your eyes, get active, find friends, and don't worry about love.  It will find you when you are ready, and it will surprise you.

Gina T 

[Ms Jessica]

I agree with everyone else-- you shouldn't give up. 
Also, in my own experience, wanting a partner only makes it harder/worse.  You won't meet anyone until the day you decide to stop worrying about it.  That's how it has always worked for me.   
Plus, once you stop worrying about it, you won't be worried about it anymore
But seriously, worrying never helps anyone get anything/anyone/anywhere.  Whatever is going to happen for you will happen in its own time.  Worrying about it won't make it happen sooner.  It's not much consolation (having been there myself), and things like this always have to be worked out for yourself.  I guess I can't resist trying to say something to make it easier. 
So, how about this?  I'll shut up and give you a big *HUG*

[samanthawhalen]

This damn GID does keep coming back and biting me in the butt.  Now that you've mentioned, I just want to cry.  It's not your fault, it's just that ALMOST EVERY DAY I struggle with trying to "be a guy".

How much do you have to be a guy? What would happen if you showed your emotions, or were open about lacquering your nails, or wore a pretty pink shirt? In short, could you meet your GID half-way?

An important first step is to figure out what is important to you. GID is near the top -- there's no way you can ignore it, but the exact way of dealing with it may be open to some extent. By the sound of it, your son is near the top too, and I'd assume so is your wife. Start with trying to fit those three together: try to think about what you can do about the GID so that it does not break your marriage. If you find a solution, you have got over the worst of it, although unfortunately that can be a big if. The next step would be to reconcile that answer with the need to live in the society at large. Will you still be able to find work, or walk on the streets without getting mugged too often, or stay out of jail? If you can do that too, you are essentially safe. As a third step, try to figure out how to keep a civil relationship with your parents, siblings and old friends.

That's my take on how it is, and I may not have guessed your priorities correctly. Still, the main thing is to think about what you want or need, how important those things are, and what you would not be willing to give up. And remember that a dead dad would be much harder for your son than a live second mum.

  Nfr

I am a very emotional person, and have always worn them on my sleeves.  Today I had a refrigerations fundamentals class (heating & air) and every single student (except for me) in that class is of the "tough guy" mode.  They all walk around like tigers defending their territories.  Their conversations are about what they drank last night or last weekend, or about how the hot chick with big tits and a big ass, walking down to the parking lot.  I just don't get into that stuff.  I can't remember how many times someone in that class was looking at my nails.  My nails have that shiny look to them from the nail hardening solution.  Even the teacher is a "hardy hardy har" type guy, and is constantly showing off his feathers, so to speak.  If I were to wear painted nails (with color) in that class, I would be totally disbanded.  My wife has been listening to a lot of Christian music (and reading Christian books) in the last week, and I know why.  Hint: it has nothing to do with wanting to get back into church, and definitely something to do with my ->-bleeped-<-.  Ugh.

[Ms Jessica]

My wife has been listening to a lot of Christian music (and reading Christian books) in the last week, and I know why.  Hint: it has nothing to do with wanting to get back into church, and definitely something to do with my ->-bleeped-<-.  Ugh.

Are you sure about that?  I mean, Easter is on Sunday.  There's a reason that it's the best attended Sunday in the church calendar. 
On a more serious note, my wife is having a hard time accepting what's going on with me, too.  She's trying, and it's been difficult for both of us.  It's definitely hard, but I found that talking about it really helps.  She doesn't know what I'm going through or how I'm feeling unless we talk about it.  I find that just talking a little each day helps a lot.  I've actually focused on getting the television shut off and spending some time actually talking about how things are, how I'm feeling, how she's feeling, etc. 
Maybe your wife's reading activity is an attempt to understand what you're going through, or how it's going to affect her.  I imagine that there's a lot of uncertainty for a significant other in a situation like this, and maybe she's looking for some guidance or support. 

[irfakt]

Ive been crying as I type this but I needed to get this off my chest...

Ive been really longing for a partner for years and nothing never really happened

And the more gradually I get in touch with my transgender identity the chances are getting slimmer and slimmer

Straight women think Im too femme and drama/theatrical

Lesbians think Im still too much male

And I am mostly interested in (dark-haired) women, no other transwomen or men

So I have reached a point where I am just going to say"PErhaps in a few years from now Ill just drink a few beers( Something I never do, I dont drink) on a late night in December and make a 40 year old lonely guy happy for a night"

Its hard but I need to accept I dont get a partner

/rant off

The problem you face isn't unique to T people, it's something everyone who's single faces. Don't worry, you'll eventually find someone. Pretty much everyone always does. Yes, it is harder for people like us, but that's just another thing we have to suck in. -.-



...Now I'm kinda sad seeing you sad, since you're the person who brought this place into my attention and all.

[Barbara]

I apologize for my posts.I am the person you are talking about.The 40 something,alone with a few two many drinks in them.I don't really drink but the "the hell with it feeling" build up over time in me.

But don't give up you made it this far.I think the problem i have is that i am not what you would consider an outgoing person,maby it was a learned trait to keep hidden i don't know,or maby it is just my personality.And plus the fact that i think alot of us look inwards more than most people.

I know you will find your mate because that one person is out there for all of us.

[Seshatneferw]

My wife has been listening to a lot of Christian music (and reading Christian books) in the last week, and I know why.

Maybe your wife's reading activity is an attempt to understand what you're going through, or how it's going to affect her.  I imagine that there's a lot of uncertainty for a significant other in a situation like this, and maybe she's looking for some guidance or support. 

That sounds like a good guess. If it's correct, it might be a good idea to find something else for her to read besides just religious literature (especially if it's the kind of 'do what I want God to want' stuff I suspect it may be). Talking to her is good, too, if she's in anything like a receptive mood.

The key issue is whether you can find other solutions besides being either a tough macho pig or a woman -- and I suspect that if you get your wife to consider things by herself she might even prefer something between these extremes (although something she could still consider male). Whether her comfort zone overlaps yours is the biggest question. The second biggest question is whether something along these lines would be possible in the society where you live, and I'm too far to give a good guess on that. Anyway, keep transition as your last option, but if all else fails don't hesitate to take that route. It's still much better than hiding it until you break.

  Nfr

[samanthawhalen]

I brought it up to her last night.  I asked her if she was trying to "send me a message with all the religious stuff laying around...".  I know I'm a bit blunt, but she has a way of sitting on the fence about EVERYTHING, unless you let it be known that her opinion is wanted.  She said that she had just been reading about Keith Green, but I know her well enough to know that we have been going through a rough point in our lives together (finances, school, work, child) and religion is how she deals with it.  I have no problem with how she seeks out answers, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something else.  The closest she has come to associating me with feminity is when I snorted and she said "that's not a feminine thing to do".  Other than that, her silance on this has been deafening.  I've talked A LOT about my feelings, what I have learned, but she won't say much about it.  She just says something to the effect of "I understand", then leaves it at that.  In some ways I feel trapped by my marriage, even though I do love her.  I feel that had I not been married I could transition at MY pace (whether that's slow or fast), but because I am married slow will be the fastest I can go, and even then I am greatly restricted.  I don't know if I want to be a woman, and while I have told her on numerous occasions that "I want to look androgynous", I feel like I am short changing myself. 

[Ms Jessica]

I brought it up to her last night.  I asked her if she was trying to "send me a message with all the religious stuff laying around...".  I know I'm a bit blunt, but she has a way of sitting on the fence about EVERYTHING, unless you let it be known that her opinion is wanted.  She said that she had just been reading about Keith Green, but I know her well enough to know that we have been going through a rough point in our lives together (finances, school, work, child) and religion is how she deals with it.  I have no problem with how she seeks out answers, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something else.  The closest she has come to associating me with feminity is when I snorted and she said "that's not a feminine thing to do".  Other than that, her silance on this has been deafening.  I've talked A LOT about my feelings, what I have learned, but she won't say much about it.  She just says something to the effect of "I understand", then leaves it at that.  In some ways I feel trapped by my marriage, even though I do love her.  I feel that had I not been married I could transition at MY pace (whether that's slow or fast), but because I am married slow will be the fastest I can go, and even then I am greatly restricted.  I don't know if I want to be a woman, and while I have told her on numerous occasions that "I want to look androgynous", I feel like I am short changing myself. 

I think your wife and mine have a lot in common.  Anyway, if you do want to have a conversation, it sounds like you know exactly how to draw her out, and that's very important.  I mean, the conversation has to have two sides, otherwise you're just talking at her.  My wife tends to shut down when that happens, so I have to make certain to keep her engaged in the conversation.  Those conversations tend to be quite a bit more productive. 

I completely understand your feeling about "being trapped".  I feel the same way sometimes, certainly about transitioning at your own pace, etc.  I guess part of the sacrifice that one makes by being married is to take their spouse's feelings into consideration wrt to the pace of transitioning.  I'm going quite a bit slower than I might otherwise have wanted to, but I love my wife and I don't want to alienate her by changing too much, too fast. 

Obviously, you don't want to be short changing yourself.  You don't want to look androgynous if you really want to be a woman.  Maybe that's something you'll have to work up to wrt your wife's acceptance of who you are.  I've been a crossdresser for years, and my wife is surprised that I want to get my ears pierced.  It seems logical to me, but I guess that she never expected I'd want something like pierced ears.  Maybe your wife is sort of in the same boat-- just not really sure where it's going to end. 

Are you seeing a therapist/counselor to deal with the GID (sorry, can't remember)?  Maybe your wife would want someone to talk to, either the same counselor, or someone who specialized in dealing with SO issues.