Giving Up

[samanthawhalen]

I keep putting off getting in touch with the therapist, mostly I guess because out of fear with where things will go after that.  I've always been one to do things with conviction, and that's what scares me.  But, I know too that unless I get a therapist I won't get what I want and need: HORMONES.  Well, I can go the route of weak "herbals" like Evanesce & Feminol, but do I really want to waste that much time AND not have someone monitoring my body?  My wife clearly doesn't want me to transition.  She *says* that she accepts me.  Well, her exact words are "I accept that your bisexual and transgendered", but it's not the same as someone saying "I love you for who you are, and I want to encourage you be who you are".  Last night I told her that I enjoy sleeping in panties.  She didn't say anything, just sort of gave a fake laugh.  She doesn't want to encourage me to do any of this stuff, and if I can't be comfortable with who I am, well the picture is becoming clearer and clearer.  I hate to make this an issue of finances, but right now she is the ONLY income provider in our family (I am going to college), and if she were to leave me and file divorce she for sure would get my son and the fact that I am transgendered and into crossdressing would certainly be used against me.  The other day she made a comment about how if I were to look like a woman she wouldn't leave me.  That in the past I had told her that I loved her like a brother and sister.  At the time I had told her that I believe that I meant in a way that I would do anything for her, that she was part of me, but now I wonder if that means that we just do our own thing (which is true).  We've never called each other by our real names, like my parents do.  My parents have a respect type of marriage, my wife and I have always called each other honey and sweety (she is sweety).  I'm rambling, again. 

[Seshatneferw]

I keep putting off getting in touch with the therapist, mostly I guess because out of fear with where things will go after that.

They don't need to go further than that, and even if you want them to that will take some time. At this stage, the main point of seeing a therapist is to have someone to help you in figuring out what it is that you really need, covering all the relevant angles. The next step may be HRT, but it may also be something else. Not taking this first step, however, is likely to lead to the situation just getting slowly but steadily worse.

My wife clearly doesn't want me to transition.  She *says* that she accepts me.

At this stage, this sounds in fact promising -- but that's all one can say now. A lot depends on how far you need to go, and how much she can accept. Therapy will help you in determining the first, and talking with your wife is really the way to deal with the second. Both processes take time, though.

Also, if it turns out that you need more of a transition than she can accept, doing it in an open, civil and orderly manner will make the eventual divorce easier.

I'm rambling, again. 

That's all right. To be expected, really.

  Nfr

[Katelynne]

wow!  i just want to give you a huge hug!!!!  i'm a somewhat straight girl in a relationship with a transgendered boy.
i don't think that he is to theatrical or too much a male.  i just care about who he is.  there is certainly someone who will come along and care about you for who you are now how you identify yourself.  anyway, keep your head up!!!!

Ive been crying as I type this but I needed to get this off my chest...

Ive been really longing for a partner for years and nothing never really happened

And the more gradually I get in touch with my transgender identity the chances are getting slimmer and slimmer

Straight women think Im too femme and drama/theatrical

Lesbians think Im still too much male

And I am mostly interested in (dark-haired) women, no other transwomen or men

So I have reached a point where I am just going to say"PErhaps in a few years from now Ill just drink a few beers( Something I never do, I dont drink) on a late night in December and make a 40 year old lonely guy happy for a night"

Its hard but I need to accept I dont get a partner

/rant off

[Veetje]

Thanks Katelynne...that was kind

Sometimes...well actually alot..I think "I should have liked men more!" ..I feel really ashamed of being so feminine and YET I like girls much more....as if something is bad about it