Help please?!

[Emerald]

Hi,

I'm new to the site (just joined today), and I'm not sure which term applies to me, "androgyne" or "bigender". It's a bit complicated, too  (though I can't imagine either androgyny or bigenderedness ever being particularly simple). The thing is, I'm quite definitely female-bodied (12-DD bra-size – not good for dancing, I can tell you! ), and there are times when I'm perfectly happy being female and enjoy having large breasts and wearing make-up, low-cut tops etc. (For instance, the other day, I was wearing a particularly low-cut top in the car, and this guy in the car next to me was staring at my breasts, and I actually sort of felt quite gratified, as I'm normally very shy and introverted and, having tall, slim, very attractive friends, I tend to blend into the background in comparison). I also have very long hair (down to my waist) and like to wear it out sometimes to uni (I've just turned 21). However, the instant I have to do any thinking or studying, I hate having it down, 'cause it makes me feel far too girly, and have to tie it up in a pony-tail, not so that I necessarily feel like a more 'manly' girl, but so that the question of femininity is completely absent. (Does that make any sense? ). The confusing bit is that there are also occasions (probably twice as many occasions as when I feel particularly feminine) when I feel more like a gay man than a bi-curious woman, and wish I were male and not female. When watching movies and TV shows and reading books, it's rare that I'll identify with the heroine – I almost always identify with the male lead (or not even the lead role, necessarily). Since I was about 10, when my friends and I played games at school and had 'our own' characters, I was almost always a male character, and when we found a thing of make-up one night at a friend's sleepover, I drew (on myself) a thin moustache and goatee (à la Pirates of the Caribbean) with some eyeliner.
       There are also frequent instances when I completely forget about gender. It's always a surprise on Facebook when they say of me that "she has added X application", and when I write in the status bar what I'm doing, it always makes me uncomfortable writing about myself in the third person and referring to myself as "she", 'cause I never really feel it. At the same time, though, "he" doesn't sound quite right, and "it" just makes me sound like some random inanimate object.  
     I'm not planning on having SRS or any therapy 'cause I don't think it would help, screwed up as it all may sound, and I'm not planning on telling my family any time soon, mainly 'cause I don't think it will really achieve anything (they'd all be fine with it, but it'd just be this seemingly random bit of information that they'd learn, and which would then probably never affect them again). I guess the main thing for me at the moment is having a name to put to it, and then I can decide from there what to do with it.

Sorry, I know it's long and ranty, but help? If anyone has any ideas/comments/advice, I'd be very grateful . 

Thanks,

Lutin

Hi Lutin! 
I really don't see a major issue here, dear.
You sound like a perfectly normal 21 year old bi-curious female-bodied person to me. (Except I don't know how you blend into the background with DD breasts!) It is also absolutely normal for anyone to wonder about what it's like to have an opposite sex body. Have you spoken to your real life friends about the concerns you posted about here? I think you may discover several of your friends have had feelings much like your own. Your young cheerful writing style is refreshingly feminine, by the way. I enjoyed reading it. Your bright inquisitive nature shines through.

Back to topic...
You seem to be more anxious than confused about your gender/sexual identification.
Perhaps you are simply experiencing a touch of "Sexual Maturation Disorder"? (Don't worry! It's just a temporary thing.)

ICD-10
F66.0 SEXUAL MATURATION DISORDER
General Description
The patient suffers from uncertainty about his or her gender identity or sexual orientation, which causes anxiety or depression. Most commonly this occurs in adolescents who are not certain whether they are homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual in orientation, or in individuals who, after a period of apparently stable sexual orientation (often within a longstanding relationship), find that their sexual orientation is changing.

If you find your feelings of distress are becoming more intense over the next few months, you may wish to consider talking to a therapist about it. At your age, what you are experiencing is fairly normal though. All is well, nothing to be worried about! The answer you seek is inside of you. Put your mind at ease, give it a bit of time... and you will know!

Your ability to empathize with opposite sex is an excellent attribute to possess! Nothing you have written indicates the presence of a male persona, which would rule out both a male gender identity and Bigender. No tendency to feel more 'boy' some days, more 'girl' other days would rule out Genderfluid. Lack of desire to dress in stereotypical male clothing rules out Crossdresser.

Androgyne or Cisgender could be your niche... neither of which require a grand announcement to parents. Androgynes feel neither masculine nor feminine. However, you state that feelings of being "particularly feminine" at times, feeling girly, feeling perfectly happy being female, and sometime wanting to push away feelings of femininity. All of these things you are experiencing are indications of a female core gender identity. Like you, Cisgender people ('normal' gender men and women) aren't constantly aware of their gender feelings, they feel genderless at times too. Your only stated desire to be physically male is in a sexual situation, which is not unexpected of a bi-curious individual. Neither the wish to be the opposite sex in an intimate encounter, nor sexual fantasies are the same thing as gender identity. Gender identity is how you feel and think about yourself in non-sexual moments.

Keep posting to let us know how things are working out for you, ok? 

-Emerald 

[Jaimey]

However, the instant I have to do any thinking or studying, I hate having it down, 'cause it makes me feel far too girly, and have to tie it up in a pony-tail, not so that I necessarily feel like a more 'manly' girl, but so that the question of femininity is completely absent. (Does that make any sense? ). The confusing bit is that there are also occasions (probably twice as many occasions as when I feel particularly feminine) when I feel more like a gay man than a bi-curious woman, and wish I were male and not female. When watching movies and TV shows and reading books, it's rare that I'll identify with the heroine – I almost always identify with the male lead (or not even the lead role, necessarily). Since I was about 10, when my friends and I played games at school and had 'our own' characters, I was almost always a male character, and when we found a thing of make-up one night at a friend's sleepover, I drew (on myself) a thin moustache and goatee (à la Pirates of the Caribbean) with some eyeliner.
     Sorry, I know it's long and ranty, but help? If anyone has any ideas/comments/advice, I'd be very grateful . 

Thanks,

Lutin

WOW.  We could be twinsies.    For example, I ALWAYS write from a male point of view.  I always relate to male characters too.  And feeling like a gay man!  I thought I was alone in that!  I've always felt much more like an effeminate boy than a woman! 

You definitely aren't alone in this!!!

By the way, I was about your age when I started seriously questioning my gender. 

To be honest I think of that are different expressions of the same thing.

That's how I feel about it too...we all have extremely similar experiences and feelings no matter how we define ourselves.  Reading the archives will help you find your niche. 

Oh well. I guess I'll just have to invent a new gender for myself then. Anyone want to join me in this secession?

  Nfr

...will an army come after us if we secede? (especially if McCain is androgyne...heh.  they better not say too much or he won't be able to be Republican anymore ...not that the world wouldn't be better off with fewer Republicans...)

Reeb did create that androgyne army...how is the army, by the way?  Who do they look like, me or you?  (so very wrong, Jaimey... >)

[RebeccaFog]

The army all looks like they aren't old enough to stay up past ten.


I heard there's a TG community of 40,000 in asia somewhere.  That's the next place for recruits.  40,000.     

All we need is airplanes and squirt-guns that spray baby powder and this godforsaken planet will be nearly ours for almost the taking.

[sd]

The army all looks like they aren't old enough to stay up past ten.


I heard there's a TG community of 40,000 in asia somewhere.  That's the next place for recruits.  40,000.     

All we need is airplanes and squirt-guns that spray baby powder and this godforsaken planet will be nearly ours for almost the taking.

Do we really want to waste those resources on this planet?

If 40,000 monkeys can write Shakespear maybe 40,000 people could come up with a plan to get off this rock.

[Lutin]

Cheers Jaimey - that does actually make me feel a lot better.

And Emerald, glad you enjoyed reading my rant, I spent (quite literally) all day working up to writing it. Took ages, but it seems to have been well worth it.

I looked up various sites (as one does), and gender fluid does seem to fit the best (I haven't felt at all like a 21-year-old woman since last...Thursday? Friday? Certainly a while, anyway. Sort of swung between androgynous and gay man. Not confusing whatsoever ).

And army or airforce? 'Cause the army might get in a bit of a pickle once they arrive at a shoreline (which, here in Oz, they're guaranteed to do sooner or later. Either that or desert), whereas the airforce would have no issues with distance or transport. Mind you, if they combined forces they could take over the world with flying colours. And then there's the *Navy*...

Lutin

[Seshatneferw]

And then there's the *Navy*...

Ok, I'll volunteer as the navel officer in charge of the lint squadron. How's that for bio warfare? 

  Nfr

[RebeccaFog]

Do we really want to waste those resources on this planet?

If 40,000 monkeys can write Shakespear maybe 40,000 people could come up with a plan to get off this rock.

New Objective:  Getting off this rock.

[Pica Pica]

The army all looks like they aren't old enough to stay up past ten.

then we can fight them till 9.30 before getting their teeth brushed and story time.

[NickSister]

I want some pink camo jammies, can I?  

[tekla]

Great camo if we're invading Victoria's Secret.  Might not be so good in the woods.

[Pica Pica]

simple, then we will only fight in pink cloths shops.

[tekla]

So DKNY is on on the front lines then.  Rachael will be bummed out.

[Kir]

Great camo if we're invading Victoria's Secret.  Might not be so good in the woods.

Oh no it will work great! We just need to dump a couple tons of pink paint on the forest first.

[tekla]

I'm not against killing people, but forests - you've gone too far for me.  Agent Pink?

[Kir]

It would be non-toxic paint of course!

[tekla]

toxic to what, or who?

[Kir]

toxic to what, or who?

Uhm. Dunno?

[sd]

Non toxic paint, what's the fun in that?

And why fight? I am all for the Aliens mantra, "I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Toxic? Only for the first few years, look at Chernobyl, it seems to be recovering nicely.  >

We can then use our army to work on more important things, like creating our own pink clothing line.





Okay, so it is a little extreme. Time heals all wounds... or something. 

[Jaimey]

I thought it was "time wounds all heels"...




I'm glad you feel better, Lutin!  It's always a relief to know that you're not the only one!!!