Help - my husband is crossdressing more and more...

[mrst]

Hope you find that special someone to paint your toes

All is well, we will test my theory this weekend.  It is my birthday, followed by our 2nd year of marriage and we are going away for two nights.  So, I proposed one night will be for dressing up (hubby's fantasy) and the other night will be for me (no dressing, no boobs).  I hope this is works!

[lostone]

Hi MrsT,

I'm new to this listing but have been on others in the past.  I used to live in Montreal and wish that I'd known you then as we could have helped each other through this. 

I can relate to everything that you wrote.  I have been married 3 years now but have known about my husband's TS issues for about 5 or so.  It is hard to read some of the responses that we get because it kind of forces out of denial.  I have been reading some of the posts in the past couple of days and can relate to so much.

My husband has gone in and out of femme mode many times and I totally agree with the person that said that this is a roller coaster.  That's exactly how I have described it.  It is so hard to watch the person that you love going through this pain because there is not much that you can do other than be supportive.  I have been struggling with that mainly because I am watching the "man" that I love go away slowly.  It's like having another woman take your man away and I sometimes feel angry at that woman and don't want to. 

I thought at first that he was a CD but have totally come to realize that that is not the case.  He is TS.  He had an orchiectomy 4 years ago and that seemed to help him for a couple of years.  He went totally back into male mode and then poof one day "she" was back.  It's been up and down and scary as H**l to watch.  I want so much to be supportive which is why I came back to the support groups.  I couldn't be involved with this for a long time because it took so much of my energy and it wasn't permitting me to stay in the moment.  I was 10 years in the future already when reading others' stories.

Anyhow I just wanted to respond to this even though the subject is an old one on here.  Hopefully someone will see it.

[Janet_Girl]

Dear Mrs. T,

My ex went through a similar pattern, but she was never willing to talk about it without her saying it was something that I dreamed up.  I slowly pull away from her.  I could not talk to her because of her attitude.  And it ended our marriage. 

But you seem to have a more open mind to discussion.  Tell him that you want to understand and that he can hurt your feelings, even if it is a lie.  He needs to begin talking it out.  If not with you, then a therapist.  It is not healthy for him to ignore it .

Maybe if my ex was more open minded, then... who knows.

Take care and do not forget about your own sanity.

Love,
Janet

[lostone]

Thanks Janet.  I don't want him to think that he can't talk to me.  He does feel that way at times more because I get upset and cry than anything.  I told him that this is not a good situation for either of us and that it is painful to us both but we need to try to get through it together.  He has to be able to be honest with me even if the truth hurts (and it does).  I can't hide my feelings very well but I know that I need to become stronger if I'm going to be of any use to either one of us.

[billie]

Mrst,

Advise him that you want a heart to heart discussion about this.  You have the right to know how he feels and what he wants from your relationship.  I would give him a chance to get professional help if he wants it.

But ... and I really hate to say this.... if you can't deal with this, leave him.  Make a list of the things that you need to make the relationship work.  Let him know that these are the expectations you have out of the relationship.  Be frank and honest. Don't get emotional. He should do likewise.  If you can't work it out, leave.  It's not worth it hon.  Life is too short to be dealing with these issues.

My heart goes out to you.  I hope that you find happiness.

Cindi

[tscarrie42]

I too went through this when I was married 17 years ago.  My whole focus was ME ME ME ME, fantasizing about being a woman, dressing as a woman as much as I could, my wife at the time at first was supportive until I became very self absorbed, she soon began to resent the female side of and we eventually drifted apart until she one day left me for another man.

I think I was a sex addict, I had problems with intimacy and it was much easier to go into my own little world rather than interact with the woman I loved.  No drama no nothing..

Sadly it was devastating to lose her to someone else, and at the time I didn't have the ability to see how I was affecting her life.

If I could make a suggestion make a pact with you husband.  If he is truly into being forced feminized find out all his fantasies regarding this matter, tell him to rate each fantasy between one and 10, 10 being turning him on the most.   Then write down YOUR fantasies and also rate between one and 10, and don't leave any fantasies out, if you are trying to make him happy he should in return make you happy , no matter what your fantasies are.  Next you rate his fantasies between 1 and 10, 10 being the least likely thing you would want to do. And he do the same in reverse. 

Example.  Say for instance he wants to get his eyebrows waxed and wear them at a very thin line all-the-time.  He rates that a 10, and you rate it a 10 for not really wanting him to do that.  Multiply those numbers and you get 100.. 100 being the points he needs to earn to achieve that fantasy. 

Now come up with things for him to do for you that he could earn points to get his brows waxed.  Tell him one night of sex as a man with you and no female side of him earns 20 points.  (Or whatever you come up with).  Or a night of him doing things only you like for example you may like to go dancing but he hates it.  So he may earn 30 points for that.

Who knows maybe you have desires to cuckold him, and your fantasy is to have sex with another man in front of him while he is dressed as a sissy.. So for you to get that fantasy to come true you may have to earn points yourself. 

This way you can both be involved more in each others lives.  If he dresses as a female then you participate in it with him, if he cooks you dinner spends the night as the man you love you grow and bond together intimately.

I'm not going to lie, he may have transsexual feelings.. bi sexual feelings, who knows at this point, but keep doing what you are doing communicating and trying to understand.  I think one mistake you may make though is getting upset when he dresses, because he will either see that or sense your body language and close himself off even more to you because he feels guilty.  I know it's hard, I know what I put my spouse through, I hope things work out the way you would like.

Carrie

[My husband is now my wife]

I am sorry to hear of your situation as I can relate to not getting enough sex during my 12 years of marriage to my husband who now recently insists he is a woman trapped in a mans body. I have been understanding but he has lied to me continually and is a truck driver who is gone most of the time for two years. During our marriage he has had many different personas through the years that have all been a form of escapism. When he told me for the first time that he is a woman in a mans body we were on legal x pills that we bought from a head shop. They say it makes you more amorous and my husband believes it was a truth serum. I being a cosmetic artist decided to make him over and I gave him clothes and even dressed him up. Our sex life has not improved as we clearly have marital issues that cloud any degree of clarity regarding his feelings of becoming a woman. He has previously been addicted to pornography and has withheld sex from me countless times. Now he says as a woman he does not want to look at any pornography. It was always of women and heterosexual sex and he has never given me oral pleasure previously. He claims he is a lesbian trapped in a mans body and is esentially asking me to become a lesbian although I married a man. We will be going to marriage counsling when he comes back in town. He also wants to go see a transgender therapist to examine and proceed with physically becoming a woman. I have been greatly considering divorce as I have been put through so much with this person including a myriad of deceit and I suspect he has chosen the profession he is in just to live a double life. It sounds like the man you are married to might have homosexual tendancies as he is looking at men with men pornography. He could be bisexual and is acting out by cross dressing. There are some male to females that don't want men they want women. The world is very complicated and there are many forms of sexuality and gender idenity that have good and bad aspects. I wish you many prayers for clarity in your marriage as well as my own.