I want these feelings to go away

[Melissa]

Transition is so hard.  Mostly because it is long drawn out agony.  I hate feeling the way I do inside and want it to go away.  I almost "gave up" a couple days ago when my gender dysphoria and the additional stresses I had been experiencing built up to an unbearable level.  Going back is not an option for me.  Death is better.  Yet, there is this nagging feeling in the back of my head that keeps me going. 

Sometimes I just can't function anymore.  These feeling go around and around inside my head like a broken record.  The only way I have been able to continue functioning is taking one problem at a time and fixing it little by little.  Just know that I am not suicidal right now and I am just speaking my mind to some people who will hopefully understand.

Melissa 

[Kate]

Transition is so hard.  Mostly because it is long drawn out agony.  I hate feeling the way I do inside and want it to go away.  I almost "gave up" a couple days ago when my gender dysphoria and the additional stresses I had been experiencing built up to an unbearable level.  Going back is not an option for me.  Death is better.  Yet, there is this nagging feeling in the back of my head that keeps me going.

Oh my, do I ever know this. You're farther along than I, so I really don't have the right to say "me too." Still... I know  the feeling. The bridges are burning behind us - there is nothing to go back TO. Pandoras box can't be closed. The genie is out.

And we can't stay HERE. It's like walking through a hot parking lot with bare feet in the summer. You HAVE to keep going, ouch ouch ouch to get across.

And yet... how the hell did we get into this mess in the first place? I look in the mirror and think, "what the hell are you DOING to yourself? STOP IT! This is NUTS!"

But... I can't. It's like being herded. Prodded along by my own soul. Hanging on to this hurts, it's scary... but the thoughts of giving it up = a soul death.

Ya know, we all (most of us) lament the fact that we'll never experience childbirth, and all the pain and joy that comes with it. Well... maybe this is our surrogate form of it. Our chance to experience the agony and joy of bringing ourSELVES into the world at last?

[Jennifer72]

I agree with Kate. I have not started my transition yet, and I know that in my heart and soul I want to. Not just yet though, I'm scared outta my gourd! Transitioning means leaving everything that's familiar to me, I've spent 33 yrs. of my life as a man. There are days that I want soooo badly to be the woman I am inside, and the next I'm left wondering if I'm a nut case living a fantasy. As Kate said, I'm still moving forward, not knowing exactly what drives me yet not wanting to take the first tangible step. So Melissa and Kate, you both have taken your first steps, I hope that you can be kind to yourselves and bring forth the women you were meant to be!

Love to all,

Jennifer

P.S. I almost forgot to mention how MUCH I respect the brave people who have taken that first step, I hope that one day soon I too will be that brave.

[Annie Social]

Transition is so hard.  Mostly because it is long drawn out agony.

Jeez, no kidding! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just say, "Okay, I'm ready now", flip a big switch somewhere, and zap! transition is done.

Everything takes so long!  The changes from HRT take forever, growing out your hair takes forever, the courts changing your name takes forever, saving up the money for surgery takes forever... sometimes I wonder if I'll die of old age before I get to where I want to be.

The only thing I've found that hepls me deal with it all is to try to accomplish one positive step every day, no matter how small. Yesterday I put another $20 aside for my next prescription refill. Today I worked on the business card for my freelance work. Tomorrow I'm having another laser session. As long as I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, I can keep going.

I love Kate's analogy, that it's like walking through a hot parking lot with bare feet in the summer. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that each step takes you a little closer to the other side.

It's funny in a way how we try to plan a slow, orderly transition, taking each step only when everything is ready and in place. But the pain of the process makes us that much more anxious to move quickly; like that guy on the asphalt we go faster and faster, hoping we'll make it across before our feet get burned.

Annie

[MarcosGirl]

Melissa,

I am a significant other here and my S.O. is an FtM just starting transition.  There is so much that he goes through everyday with "transition issues" that although I think I understand pretty well, there is no way I can fully realize what it is he bears constantly.  I love him so much and would not do anything to hurt him intentionally, but every now and then I open my mouth and put my foot in it and say something insensitive.

The area I can relate to you on is feeling overwhelmed to the point of suicide.  I'm going through an awful divorce and my ex-husband is extremely hateful toward me and my S.O. and he is persistantly trashing me to my two children, making it very hard for them to begin to understand transsexualixm.  About a month ago, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and was hospitalized for 9 days, held on a 5150 (against my will).  Through intensive counseling, some medication and the love and support of Marco (my S.O.), I realized that I needed to do what you said and just take it one problem at a time.  Marco's therapist said something to me last week that I really thought was good advice.  "Living in yesterday is depression, living in tomorrow is anxiety, so just live today".  Believe me, I see day in and day out what Marco goes through and I know it is hard, but just keep living for today and know that you deserve to be who you feel you are.  The world can be narrow-minded and cruel, but know that you have people here to turn to for support.

                                                       Take Care and hang in there!
                                                                     Pam

[Chaunte]

Transition is so hard.  Mostly because it is long drawn out agony.  I hate feeling the way I do inside and want it to go away.  I almost "gave up" a couple days ago when my gender dysphoria and the additional stresses I had been experiencing built up to an unbearable level.  Going back is not an option for me.  Death is better.  Yet, there is this nagging feeling in the back of my head that keeps me going. 

Sometimes I just can't function anymore.  These feeling go around and around inside my head like a broken record.  The only way I have been able to continue functioning is taking one problem at a time and fixing it little by little.  Just know that I am not suicidal right now and I am just speaking my mind to some people who will hopefully understand.

Melissa 

Melissa,

You are so much further down the road than I am, but I understand these feelings all too well!  Like you, I keep asking myself, "What the devil am I doing?!  I have to be absolutely NUTS to even be considering this!"

And, yet, here we are...  Moving one step at a time towards our future.

The "Jeannie" is not only out of the bottle, the "Jeannie" is free.

But freedom comes with a terrible price.  I know that you have already paid that price, and my heart weeps with you.  It's the same price, the same pain I know I will be facing.

You don't walk alone.  We are family, all of us here at Susan's.  And family walks together.  We help each other up when we stumble.  We smack each other upside the head when we do something stupid.  We laugh.  We cry.  We tell corny jokes.  We share our tissues during movies. 

We watch the sun rise and light the world with a myriad of colors; filling our senses to overflowing as life springs forth anew each day. 

We watch the aurora dance amidst the stars overhead; gazing with awe at the wonders of nature.

We steady each other as we cross this bridge from our old life into our true life.

This is what family does, and we are family.

Peace and God's blessings,

Chaunte

[Leigh]

Jeez, no kidding! Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just say, "Okay, I'm ready now", flip a big switch somewhere, and zap! transition is done.

That would be great.  A one way switch only.  Big notices with the caveat that once there ya don't get to scream REDO when life ain't that big bowl of cherries.


Leigh

[Melissa]

For the person who shouldn't be transitioning, the current process is good.  For the true TS, the switch option is good.  I'm not going to get into the debate of how to determine which is which.

Anyway, I went out last night and did my hair and makeup and looked great.  I didn't expect it, but it seems I passed quite well including singing as female and by the end of the night, was the most popular person there and had a big group of friends.  I had forgotten how much better I do in the world as a woman than a man.  This definitely helped towards alleviating the feelings I was having at the time I posted this topic originally.

Melissa

[Hazumu]

"Living in yesterday is depression, living in tomorrow is anxiety, so just live today".

The topic is hugely interesting, but I can't really contribute anything more than 'me, too' comments...

except...

That quote!  Thank you, it's just a little piece of the puzzle I needed, and at the right moment!  I understand the first half, and have managed to keep the depression monster at bay most of my life.  The last part I try to live each and every day...

It was the middle part that just now struck me right between the eyes.  THAT's where the anxiety has been coming from!!

Sometimes stepping outside the process and examining it from a detached viewpoint helps!

Now I'm gonna' go read the rest of the topic <sheepish grin>

Karen

P.S., Melissa -- I'm glad to hear you found your center again and had a good time!

[Kimberly]

Choosing to live is what is hard.

The way I see it is simply what will happen will happen. Some of that is good, some of that is not. It is life, that is what life does. Stomps us into the ground and picks us up and kisses us. Life is full of ups and downs and downs and downs and a few ups. Transition really is no different than normal life. Some people are accepting, some are not. Some change their mind, some do not. Attitude is everything. If you let it run you down it most certainly will. Trust what happens does happen for the betterment of all involved.

[debbee]

the funny thing about all the transition is that when your ready and everything is in place it all kinda happenes seemlessly with out you really realising it. It is not as if some one turned a switch or some one removed an appendage you want removed. its alot more sutttle than that. You will know when its time and you wont have to b told. The trick is not to rush things and do it in your own time. To many TS think well there doing it and I have to do it, well thats far from the truth. Do not let peer pressure push you into somthing earlier than your ready for. One other piece of information i would like to pass on. Please make sure you have everything sorted and your mind is settled before you go for any surgery weather it be SRS  breast augmentation or evan FRS as if you dont surgery will not help fix any problems or issues you have before surgery. Surgery is like the celerbration that you have come to terms with the issues and that you have and can exist in society and function as a normal person. If you cant do all of these you need to wait till you can before you have your sergery

[stephanie_craxford]

Transition does suck from time to time.  But I truly believe it is necessary as it helps us grow and it gives us time to learn and rediscover who we are.  Yes it would be great if there was a magic switch but that too would have it's pitfalls.  But you know something... good things are worth waiting for so simply use the time to plan and prepare. Life could be so much worse, count your blessings look for the positives and don't sweat the negatives. Once you go full time you will find that life gets sooo much better, I know that it did for me.

Steph

[Melissa]

Thanks Steph.  I don't doubt that you are right about life getting better after going fulltime.  I am back up to speed and cruising along with my transition once again.  I seem to have found my feminine voice and now have something to practice with.

Melissa

[Robyn]

I came home early from work and slept 4 hours.  Flu-like symptoms.  That may be why all the pain in this thread hit me hard.  It brought back memories.

While no one can guarantee how another's life will be after transition, please know - at least - that it can be wonderful.  The hard time meories remain, but they fade.  Anxieties can remain - e.g., seeing a grown child who rejected you for the first time as the real you - but they are overcome.

One major transition area not addressed in this thread is transition on the job.  It takes a lot of careful preparation, hopefully in concert with a supportive Human Relations staff.  My company used Janis Waltworth's book about Transsexuals in the Workforce.  Available at Amazon. 

Bright blessings to all who are in the throes of the journey.  The rapids can be passed, and the smooth waters make the forever journey a pleasure.  The journey doesn't end with SRS.  If it did, I wouldn't still be working with all you wonderful folks in the community.

Robyn

[Sheila]

Robyn,
You are so right that the transition does not end with the surgery. I have found some obstacles both mental and physical that I have had to go over. I don't think that I could have seen them before my surgery. Some were good and some were bad, but I cherish every little bit that I have had. It has been fun and I look for many more years to come. I guess we never stop growing. Unlike you, Robyn, I will only talk about this on boards. I have gone what you call stealth, if there is such a thing. I transitioned too easy for most as they like to think that you are going to go through hell.
Sheila

[LostInTime]

Just a note to say that going back is not necessarily giving up.

I transitioned and untransitioned several years ago.  It was a tactical retreat and I set out to rebuild my life.  I have since transitioned again and everything is going much, much better than it did the first time around.

There is a difference between taking a step back and giving up, the trick is to not confuse the two.

Good luck with your journey.

[Melissa]

I'm not taking any steps back.  I may slow it down for periods if I need to, but because I know my sanity depends on it, I will not detransition.  I am afraid of what I will do to myself.  Many of the pieces of the shell of my former life have already fallen away and I feel that at this point the best direction is forward.  I rebuild as I go along.  I will go fulltime when I feel I am ready.  I am considering stretching it out a bit longer than I had anticipated, but I am feeling better about myself and feel I can transition within the next few months if I decided to.

My work situation is going good, I'm seeing a speech therapist and my facial hair is falling off.  The last one feels really good.  If I stretch it out longer, it gives me more time to work on my voice (I have come a long way already) and more time for laser treatments.

Gosh, now I'm feeling really good again.  Transition is good.

Melissa