Hello there, I'm Elincubus
I'm an 18-year-old FtM from Austria (little country in Europe) and it's great to meet you all.
So here comes my story:
I and my little brother were raised by my mother single-handedly. She is not stereotypically female in any aspect and always treaded us completely the same. On the one hand I'm thankful for this and think that's the ideal way to raise children (no stupid "boys don't cry" and "girls have to play with dolls" rules), but on the other hand I think it made it much harder for me to finally realize that I am actually really a boy.
As a child I was a tomboy and while I had not only male but some female friends as well, they were mostly younger girls I had a crush on (in retrospect, of course). When I hit puberty it was completely clear to me that I wasn't like other girls, but my conclusion wasn't that I might be a guy, but just that I really sucked at being a girl--which made me sad.
Now everything became really complecated:
I tried to be more girly--shaving my arm pits and legs, make-up, etc. It feeled completely wrong. Right from the start. I had to talk to my mother to get all these things and I was totally ashamed to do so.
I was somehow happy to be a little more accepted as a girl, but when I'm honest it never feeled right even when I was somehow satisfied with the outcome. For example I could never stand anybody watching me while I applied make-up--not my family, not my friends (may they be female or male) or strangers.
Plus, while I was slightly more accepted than before it didn't really help: I still couldn't relate really to anybody. I like girls--it's nice to talk with them and often fun, but talking to them always tells me very clearly that I am not like them.
And guys--they see me and tread me like a girl, at least most of the time. Last week I had this awesome completely trashy "guy talk" with some guys from my school while two girls from my class sat besides watching us rather reluctantly and blankly--I Hadn't feeled that great for a really long time. It just felt perfect.
I slowly came out to myself during the past year, I didn't tell anybody else yet. I will probably tell my best friend (a guy) about it during the next couple of weeks. I know he will be accepting and would have told him months ago, but he is having a really bad time and lots of problems himself at the moment, so things are difficult.
What I really hate about myself at the moment is that I can't concentrate at all because of all of this--I'm sometimes euphorical sometimes depressed, but I can hardly ever bring myself to do something useful. And it's really worst possible time for a phase like that because I'm graduating from school in about two months and have a real sh*tload of work at the moment. Hell, I should be doing my homework
right this very moment because it's 2:50 am, but I just can't.
Not everything is bad. For example all my life I hated to buy shoes (and my mom suffered
a lot when she took me to shops, spend hours there and in the end buy nothing becouse I hated everything), but two weeks ago I just headed to the men's section and found two pairs within 5 minutes--and I thought
I was the problem. lol
My surroundings maybe start suspecting things--my mom knows that I bought guys' shoes and clothes (but probably not how many exactly...), I cut my hair rather short at Christmas and it's also already kinda an inside joke between me and my best friend that I'm so manly (and he much more girlish--that's another story).
But I'm really bad at talking about things, especially about my feelings as stereotypical as this may sound.
Elincubus
