Enough Caution used before Transitioning

[TheBattler]

Hi All,

You may have noticed that lately I have been lots of doubts/questions pop into my and instead of trying to explain everything I though I would ask a few questions. The first one is concerning Terri's statement below.

That's why we caution people about transition unless they are positively sure it is the correct choice to make, if not absolutely sure, don't do it.  Thats why having good psychiatric treatment is critical, so you don't fool yourself into a mistake.

When I first read this statement my intial reaction is that  we are not using enough caution. As soon as someone identifies themselves as a TS everyone is happy and gives them advice on the best way to transistion. As Step keeps saying 'a TS must transistion'. So do we use enough caution when encouraging people to transistion? Is there something here I am not seeing?

Alice

[Melissa]

Using caution is a personal responsibility that has personal consequences.  I made absolutely sure that this was the right path for me and went to 2 therapists (who both wrote hormone letters), before starting hormones.  Looking back, I was sure this was right, but I just wanted to clear all doubt.  It was actually the point where I was in a major depression and starting to have anxiety attacks that I knew I needed to start HRT ASAP.

Melissa

[Kate]

So do we use enough caution when encouraging people to transistion? Is there something here I am not seeing?

I think people here are more cautious than those on other forums and lists I've belonged to. I've noticed attempts are made to distinguish between the motives of crossdressers and transsexuals, for example. And most people are encouraged to seek therapy along with the advice and encouragement.

On the other hand, in my experience elsewhere, I don't think I've ever been told to not transition (aside from a "maybe you're not ready yet"). It's ironic, but I think that LACK of opposition is what has me hesitating more than anything else. Show me a Good Fight, try to stop me from something I (think I may) want, and I'll go to any lengths to get it. But hold open the door and beckon to me... and I grow suspicious.

[Terri-Gene]

apply to much caution and you increase the sensitivity and insecurity of a would be woman.  It is generally best to tell them that if they are TS then Transition is the only way they can go and feel good about themselves, but talk with a psych first to check out any other causes for crossdressing.

What this does is put the person in touch with someone who can determine if they are TS or into some kind of mental/physical stimulation that makes them do as they do.  That's why in general we recommend transition for those that declare themselves TS, but give them the proper order to do it in.  How long it takes is up to the individual person, and all we can do is help them along the way

Don't know if that helps you any Alice but it's just the way we do it around here.  If the person follows the advice we give, then they should be ok.  We never know for sure until the deed is done and complete, so all we can do is help.

Terri

[Melissa]

Thanks for that reply Terri-gene.  When I first came here, if I had been told that I shouldn't transition, I would have probably bitten that person's hand off.  The approach that everyone took was cautioning about the risks of losing it all and the reccomendation to see a therapist (which I had already scheduled).  I like that approach much better, because it causes you to take a deep look at yourself.  When I first came here, I was just coming out of denial and trying to gauge where I fell in the good old TG spectrum (lets not dredge that up again yet).

I realized what I felt was actually really what other TS's felt and the differences now are as clear as crystal (for the most part).  I also was in a position where I was prepared to lose everything to transition and have in fact lost a good portion (maybe 75%, but a little at a time) of what I had before.  Yet, I'm still happier now than I was back then.  I also seem to have a knack for recovering well from those losses.  So, if you are TS, you will transition, and the path will need to follow will present itself.

Melissa

[Leigh]

A post I made on January 4th.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1948.msg14886.html#msg14886

No matter which path is chosen there will a price to pay.

Right after I started transition I was told that what I was doing was courageous.  My explanition was this.

Courage is when you are walking down the street, a house is on fire and you can hear someone screaming for help.  Running in to save that person when you don't have to.  Risking your life with the possibility that both of you may perish, that is courage.  I was the person in the house screaming for help but no one could hear me.  I had two choices, stay and die in the fire or jump and hope I survived the fall.  That is deperation not courage.

If there is any option rather than transitioning take it and run.    The price of admission is damn steep and once you are in you may not like the show.  Problem is that once you have paid the price there is no exit and if by chance you find the emergency exit you won't end up back where you started from.

Im not talking about any person in particular, its anyone who is thinking and dreaming about transitioning.   Make a list of everything you think it will be like after transition and surgery.  Got it done?  Good now throw it away because almost nothing on the list will be accurate.  I see the problem as people plan to transition instead they should plan through transition.  What about the after life?  Where do you go now?  The euphoria is gone, nothing exciting to look forward to.  Its just another life day after day.  You work, shop, sleep and eat.  The total difference is that the physical has changed to hopefully match the mental.  If you make it through the first five years after surgery count yourself among the lucky 50% ( or so I have been told).

Am I trying to put the brakes on people?  Damn right I am.  This isn't a game where you can call re do's after a certain point.  It isn't fun and it isn't easy so step back and think before you jump.  Maybe you are in the frying pan and not really in the fire!

Leigh

[Dennis]

That's exactly the analogy I use, Leigh, when people call me courageous. For me, it was jumping out of the burning house, not into it.

I think, if you realize the potential social costs, and weigh that against transitioning and there's even close to a balance, you're probably not at the stage you have to. I was ready to lose my job, my family, my marriage and my friends if I had to. Luckily I only lost my marriage. But you have to be ready to lose all if you make the choice. At that stage, where transitioning is more imperative, then you are probably at a stage where that is the right choice.

Dennis

[Kimberly]

Personally I am in the minding of pointing people in the proper direction and giving them as much advice as they want.

I do not want to live their life for them, but I would like to see everyone live happily ever after.

As for the analogy, well no one has called me much of anything at all, but the way I see it is being in a house as it catches fire, and running out of water to douse the flames. Run or burn? Not a hard choice really, even if it would have taken many more years for the house to burn, burn it very definitely would have. Of course, I stepped outside and the place turned to ashes...

[Annie Social]

As Step keeps saying 'a TS must transistion'.

I think Steph is in a sense defining what a TS is; if you are a TS, then you have such a compelling need to transition that nothing will stop you. You may look for alternatives, try to balance your priorities, but in the end you don't really have a choice in the matter.

In that sense the question isn't really whether you should encourage a TS to transition, but rather, "Is this person really TS?"

Annie

[stephanie_craxford]

I think Steph is in a sense defining what a TS is; if you are a TS, then you have such a compelling need to transition that nothing will stop you. You may look for alternatives, try to balance your priorities, but in the end you don't really have a choice in the matter.

In that sense the question isn't really whether you should encourage a TS to transition, but rather, "Is this person really TS?"

Annie

Exactly Annie.

There would be no way that I would tell anyone to transition, and I don't believe that I ever have.  I am not qualified by any stretch of the imagination to do that.  I am qualified to advise those who wannabe/feel/think they are TS to seek therapy.  As Leigh has pointed out this is not a game.

I'll be a little blunt if I may... We hear, "OMG I had an epiphany", "It's sooooooooooooo nice to be a woman", "I feel good when I wear panties and bra's", "The female inside is finally free", "I think I'm a man trapped inside a womanise body", "the woman inside me is screaming to come out"... you get the idea.  It would be easy to say to them "So what are you telling me for, see a Therapist", or "That's sooooooo wonderful sweetie hugs and kisses, now we'll tell you how to be the woman you obviously are".   But no we don't do that, and we don't tell them that they must be TS so they must transition  This is a support site, we take everyone seriously (unless they cause us not to), treat them with respect and answer their questions.  We have never said "yes you are TS and these are the steps you need to follow in order to transition".  I believe that everyone is advised to see a therapist and then if they have other questions on transition they are answered, in some form or other.

Likewise...

As soon as someone identifies themselves as a TS everyone is happy and gives them advice on the best way to transition.

if advise is asked for it is given freely.  Yes I guess we could ask for proof that they are TS before we give advice but how realistic is that.

So do we use enough caution when encouraging people to transition? Is there something here I am not seeing?

Again just to reiterate what I have previously stated I do not think anyone has been encouraged to transition.  Those who have asked have been told that yes that transition of some sort is the only cure.  In the many discussions on the subject of CD/TS  etc...  by definition it has been pointed out in so many words that a TS will/must transition or suffer the consequences and I stand by that statement (But do not turn this topic into that discussion) that is not advising anyone to transition.

Steph

[Kate]

by definition it has been pointed out in so many words that a TS will/must transition or suffer the consequences and I stand by that statement (But do not turn this topic into that discussion)

There's a danger here though: newcomers are often already overwhelmed with the mere thoughts of being TS, and all it's implications. I always worry that hitting them with a TS will/must transition may push them over edge, cornering them, leaving them no way out. The or suffer the consequences part is rarely offered as a valid alternative. Without that escape valve, unwise as it may be, the only other option becomes suicide.

People need options. Hope. Otherwise dispair sets in. Dispair leads to suicide.

The inevitability of transitioning is just too much to handle, methinks, in the beginning. It certainly was - and still is - for me.

[stephanie_craxford]

There's a danger here though: newcomers are often already overwhelmed with the mere thoughts of being TS, and all it's implications. I always worry that hitting them with a TS will/must transition may push them over edge, cornering them, leaving them no way out. The or suffer the consequences part is rarely offered as a valid alternative. Without that escape valve, unwise as it may be, the only other option becomes suicide.

People need options. Hope. Otherwise dispair sets in. Dispair leads to suicide.

The inevitability of transitioning is just too much to handle, methinks, in the beginning. It certainly was - and still is - for me.

Quite right Kate that is why this is not mentioned to newcomers, or it shouldn't be.

There is enough experience on this site that the members would not let that happen and I'm confident of that.  The references made with regard to TS and their need to transition where made in topics that were discussing the differences between ts/cd and similar issues such as how does one know if they are CD or TS.  I don't recall this ever being mentioned to newcomers etc.

I do recall one exchange where a question was posed along the lines of "How do I know if I'm TS..." or something similar and an answer to that was given "you would have this overwhelming urge/need to transition, as a TS will/must/need to do so".

Having said that, I do believe that consequences are always mentioned whether they are consequences that may result from transitioning or those from not transitioning.  You have to remember that topics are discussed in accordance with the level of intelligence and research the poster indicates in their question or views, and I think that is where there can be some confusion as the answers to a person asking if they will or have to trans ion will differ verses someone who states an opinion or view such as I'm TS and I don't feel the need to transition.

Kate, I think your last lines says it all.  We would not be doing you or anyone one else on this site any favours by not telling the truth about such matters.  To hide information or to sugar coat it is so wrong and is just as bad as telling that person lies.  If, by telling the person the realities of transition, the need to transition if they are TS , and the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all, causes that person to stop and take stock, step back, rethink, seek additional help and or advice, look at options, then I believe we have done good by that person.

As always just my thoughts.

Steph

[Sheila]

I believe what Steph, Leigh, Terry and others have said. In my words, changeing genders is not the answer to all of your questions. If you have been into therapy and they all say that you have the tendancies of being Transexual then you need a 2nd opinion. I know that in your heart of hearts you really believe but go through the steps that were laid out for us. So it takes some time. After all is said and done and you have the letter to go and get surgery, sit back and think a while on whether you need to do this or not. After surgery the world is still the same the only difference is that you are now a different gender, physically, not different person.
  I have known two people who have gone and had their surgery and regretted it later. There is no turning back.
Sheila

[Kate]

  I have known two people who have gone and had their surgery and regretted it later. There is no turning back.

Because they realized they weren't TS after all? Or because they decided transitioning wasn't worth the costs (social stigma, loss of job, etc.)?

[TheBattler]

Thankyou everyone for your replys. I am reading and trying to take everything in. It seams like there are a few safty nets for anyone who just keeps on taking a series of little steps towards a conclusion that they are in fact a TS. This is come about as I am looking for some control because if I do some the wonderful stuff I have thought about over the past months I need to ensure I end up at the right place as logically I can not determine where that will be.

Thanks in particular to Leigh for reminding me of thoughs words you wrote previously. They sound like the words everyone should keep in mind.

Alice

[spike]

My partner Tino has had girlfriends and others on both extremes.

Some have tried to convince him he is a she, or tried to hurry him up and transition be a man etc.

It all seems pretty clear to me. I have no idea exactly how he feels or thinks. I don't have to live in either consequence the way he does. It's his body/life.

Whatever he decides, transition, semi-trans, not exhibit anything masculine at all - it doesn't matter to me. There will likely be adjustments in our future b/c he is planning to transition but things will be fine. I want to support him being happy and living in the way he tolerates life best (even better if he is happy)!  I want him to be himself for himself not me or someone else.

This site has been great for support, connections to others & mutual understanding~ I hope you are finding what you need.
Spike

[Kimberly]

...
I need to ensure I end up at the right place as logically I can not determine where that will be.
...

Which is one of the reasons we harp on about qualified therapists so much. I can not tell you what is right for yourself, only what has been right/wrong for myself. Even so we are pretty good at offering /pointers/tips/advice in general/ when you decide on a direction you wish to look for answers.

[TheBattler]

Theripst - Check - Last meeting was a few days ago. We chatted for over an hour about building support networks and everything else associated about my feelings after the Glamor shots. I was unhappy for a lot if this week but today I am all smiles  just thinking of seeing those photos again.

She was also trying to get rid of the guilt about me waring my skirts. 'Who is it hurting?'. Well that I do not know any more.  I am trying to cut down on the amout of times I wear my skirts to see how I go.

Alice

[Robyn]

It seams like there are a few safty nets for anyone who just keeps on taking a series of little steps towards a conclusion that they are in fact a TS.
Alice

That's how I found it, too, Alice.  I'd take a step and, when it felt not only comfortable but right, my mind would start working on the next step.  Eventually, I'd feel ready and take that next step. 

I think we have to sprinkle our support comments liberally with qualifiers like 'might,' 'could,' 'in my experience.'  People were careful with me in the beginning, and I try to be the same with new folks I meet as well as my longer term friends who still question their journeys in some way.

Sometime I'll tell the story of what jarred me from non-op to scheduled pre-op, but right now, my husband wants back on the laptop.  Oh to be home again where we each have a computer.

G'nite, boyz and grls.

Robyn

[Melissa]

I have recently posted some of the things that have happened to me as well as feelings I've had during transition.  These were not pleasant things and I hope they offset the "peaches and cream" feelings some may have regarding transitioning.  You are basically restarting over on your whole life.  You will end up a completely different person both mentally and physically.

An option for crossdressers that like the idea of crossdressing fulltime is to get a legal name change and just start living the role without any bodily modifications.  Then it's easy to revert back if necessary.

Melissa