I have read so many posts that I think I'm up to speed in most subjects going on. But to make it fair, just let me tell you bits about myself.
I'm 36 y.o. I'm currently on DIY HRT - please don't bash me out because of it!!!! I know, I know, i know!...... As a matter of fact, i have it on my to do list to call a therapist (through my insurance this week), so hopefully you'll forget all my wrong doing, and hopefully everything will go smooth from now on. So you understand a little bit more about myself, I'll tell you why i went the DIY route:
Since being little I knew I was different, and always thought that I was just a CD. However, never had the nerve to really go out or do much about it, except for dressing at home, never did much. What I did know was that as I became more educated on the subject, the farther i wanted to go. However, I wanted to have a family, and thought that I could put that side of me on the sidelines. Eventually, at 25, i did marry a nice girl and I totally misread her thinking she would accept my crossdressing - we were divorced not long after I told her, and as everyone that has been through it, I swore I would have a normal life from then on..... of course that didn't last (thank god).
Later on (still a closet "CD") I manipulated a close GG friend of mine of "convincing" me to dress up for halloween. I went all the way (shave my legs, underarms, bought a nice wig, shopping at the mall, trying on stuff, etc.) and needles to say, that was one of the best night's of my life. Any suspicions that anyone might have that night were counter balanced by my male personality and the success I had flirting with girls.
I still knew I had to do something, I did go to therapy, but did not push for HRT, as I still wanted to have my own family, continue enjoying my career, friends, sex life, and so on. Still, as a result of that night, my friend (jokingly, supposedly) started treating me as "one of the girls", I had such much fun, and I felt so much alive for the first time. Eventually, as she and her fiends started to treat me more and more like their girlfriend, I did push back to avoid being discovered and continue with my life. Still, I did continue to improve my wardrobe and some testing with low-dosage estrogens.
From that point on I was 100% sure that I wasn't just a CD (now 29), that it wasn't going to go away, and that I needed to do something about it. Then that's when the roller-coaster started. I got transfered to an expat assignment in South America where I knew i could get hormones and start my road to womanhood. Still with a lot of internal conflicts because of my desires to have kids, my career, family and friends, I decided to start HRT at low dosages to "see how it went" – of course, minimal (if no physical changes at all, but felt wonderful). That's when I educated myself on the dangers, risks and so on, so I always did the lowest dosage possible and monitoring my health (on my own though physicals and other exams).
I was determined not to get into a serious relationship, unless I could be fully accepted as me. As such I ended having several short- term relations, just for fun. Eventually, I found a girl that no matter how bad I treated her, she stuck with me. So one day, i took a chance and started hinting her about my feminine side (i.e., keep in mind that I haven't told anyone about my feelings, except my ex-wife and some therapists, to which I never told 100%).
I started hinting on how nice it was for her to have manicures and pedicures.... until she insisted I would go with her, then on about lotions and how they felt and smell, she suggested that I used them as well. When that was going along, I hinted her that I loved VS lotions and sprays and that they were my favorites. Then, something click and she asked me why I liked them so much, on whether I wasn't concerned of smelling to girly or people noticing it. That open the door to explain more and more about feeling feminine, until I told her about the clothing and my desire to feminize my body.
She was TOO supportive. It was just great. She would buy me clothes on her own, and help me to use hormones by keeping track and help me with the injectibles. She was actually the one that introduce me to one of her injectable contraceptives and even bough them for me. Sex was great, it was truly a wonderful feeling. With time I started developing physically – nothing major, but significant for her to notice, and she loved it. Of curse we got married, we even talked about having kids quickly so the hormones would not interfere later on with that. So at some point in time I started reducing the dosages ☹. Still when we traveled, hardly any male clothing was packed – if any. She would push me beyond my androgyny to be more feminie, but I was far from passable.
Couple of years later, and now back in Miami, she started being less and less supportive – not discouraging at all, just not as enthusiastic. Now at 33, with a more active "normal" social life and with one kid, opportunities for dressing up were more scarce. So we proposed a trip to escape and be able to be "ourselves". I guess that's when she got a little scared that it was probably more than what she expected and suggested that I should go all the way, to come out, have a relationship – even if experimental – with another guy, and everything you can imagine. She wasn't upset at all, she just said that we could remain as girlfriends but I needed to explore it all the way and that she just knew that would make me real happy and complete. I told her that it was wonderful that she thought that way but I loved her, and wanted to be with her, and I would not leave her for a guy, no matter how much I evolved.
From then on, things changed bits and bits, but she still encourage me to have facial laser and would never say a comment about my wardrobe, fantasies etc. and would still treat me at tomes as a girl. Things took a dramatic change when my sperm count was almost nonexistent (nearly 5 years of low dosage hormones, on/and/off), she was resentful and asked me not to dress anymore and so on... until she got pregnant. Through IVF she did get pregnant eventually and me (without any estrogen or antiandrogens to suppress testosterone) became so insensitive that I started dressing again the same day we were told she got pregnant. I knew that brought some resentment on her, but she never brought it back again. And once she gave birth, I started on low dosages (even lower) of hormones and increasingly dressing more.
The relationship was never the same. We would fight more often, or just not talk to each other till recently we had a long conversation when she brought everything out. She told me that she loved me as a girlfriend but she could not see me as a male or husband – even though my looks are not even androgynous (clearly she was not referring to physical appearance). Since then (this is recent) we are doing much better – but almost as girlfriends. She asked me not to dress up while she moves out, but she knows I'm back on my estrogen, progesterone, and antiandrogen dose. We have not talked about divorce and are planning on keeping a very close relationship no matter what because of our kids and everything we been through.
She says that she might fall in love with me again, but if not that as a person I'm the closest to her and she would always love me from that perspective. I seriously doubt that our relationship will ever be the same again – even though, I hope so. But I have decided not to make the same mistakes again, and continue with my HRT therapy and soon make it official with a therapist. As long as I can have my kids around, and her support one way or the other, I should be fine. I'm not sure whether I would go all the way – not because I don't want to, but because of career, family, my kids, friends. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there – will probably change my mind along the way, as my experience has been that every milestone I made in my womanhood, I want to take it to the next level.
So there you have it, that's why I didn't go the therapist way in the first place – I found it hard for anyone to prescribe hormones to someone like me that until now was not even close to remotely consider leaving everything behind. Maybe is not necessarily like that, but truly wanting to have kids, given my career path, my family, and friends – it would have been impossible for me to take this step before.
So where I am today. At 36, 95% of my facial hair has been removed (very few people has noticed or commented about it – though I do get comments that I look younger all the time). My brwos are thin but not necessarily feminine, my ears are pierced, but don't normally wear earrings, my hairstyle is too much male – that's probably the worst (I cannot have long hair at work), my casual pants are almost entirely from the women's department (not a single male jean), I do wear little make-up poweder everyday, and prefer to have fragrances that are not too strong but definitively feminine. That's me on a regular basis (on male mode). Internally, I have come to terms that I know I want to take it another step further, and I will.
I'm greatful that I found this site as it gives me perspective on several issues, some little details, but very helpful. I hope that I didn't sound as it was all over the place, it's just too much info and wanted to give a good insight on where I stand...
Really hope to hear from you soon!!!
XOXO
