I am going crazy

[trannyboy]

Arrgg I am just going to rant a bit. I am so exhausted. I have been working non-stop for months to understand bottom surgery on a level most never bother and I think my brain is just passed the point of too much information. I just keep ruminating the same thing over and over and over again. I eat, sleep, dream surgery and everyone who knows me is ready to kill me if I don't shut up about surgery, veins, nerves etc. I have been coming to this board to answer questions just to think of something other then surgery. The only books I have read were anatomy, surgical or the like. I haven't read something for the joy of it in at least 4 months or visited friends just to talk unless it is about surgery. Tonight I have to write my paper on the step by step processes in this surgery and I can't get out of the cycle of rumination for long enough to write it. I begin meeting surgeons on Monday. I have read every study, journal, book and paper I could get my hands. I think I have finally finished. I have to get an MRI done next. I am so tired.

I sorry to bug you all but I need it out of my head to be able to complete my work and if I rant about obsessing over something everyone is telling me to not bug them about, I might push my luck. Sorry again for bothering you, I just can't keep this in my head any longer and I can't talk to my therapist about this because I have to stay perfectly stable and capable in the eyes on the gatekeepers for a couple more months.

->-bleeped-<-boy

[Nero]

Hey t-boy.

You going for meta or phallo?

[Buddhas Camera]

Well, I think I am a bit like you, though you have gone into more depth on this topic, so far, than I have.
But I am not feeling close to making decisions about it yet.

I approach life that way, too, often deeply researching my choices, way way way beyond what others do.  I like getting to know the options.  On the Enneagram scale, I seem to be a number 5, not sure if you are familiar with that scale, but you sure could be a 5, too.  Not everyone understands my desire to be so thorough.  Personally, I feel best if I feel I have found the most correct answer.

Sounds to me like you are very good at research, and honestly, that the work you are doing, will be of good benefit to yourself, as well as many others.  I don't think there is anything wrong with a strong desire to research -- but it's important to understand that many people wont care to go as deeply into a topic as you do.

What do you usually do for fun, besides research lol ?
I like to watch documentaries of all kinds, and independent films, sometimes I do that while reading or researching.

I think it's great you are letting yourself understand so much technically.  I am wondering if you will help contribute to better outcomes, over time, for transgender people.

When I get caught up in something, it's important for me to remember to feed my body well, and some of the other self care basics.....that will help you feel as stable and calm as you possible can.  Eating enough protein, a healthy mix of fats, drinking enough water, and eating vegetables in particular leads to more balance, too.....

When you talk w/your friends, are they able to track with your research?  Are they finding it interesting?

Best of luck to you next week as you begin the meetings.
Joseph

[trannyboy]

First sorry about the rant. I was losing my mind earlier. I wanted the thoughts outside myself so I could spend the evening relaxing. I had some enjoyable gluten free ribs, wings and vodka at a local restaurant. Me and my father played pool and then I returned home and spent the rest of the time reading. I am having a few last sips and smoking before I go to bed. I feel a 100 times better and not just because of mind altering substances either.

Nero- Simple answer, neither or maybe both. Complex simple answer, engineered penile skin, urethra, tissue and nerves grafts with a centurion that is totally dissected from the body and then the urethra is run along the underside covered by the bulbs, with vaginectomy, scrotaplasty, liposuction and mons resection. Toss in a bladder hammock and a couple testicles and I should have a 4-5" long and 1.5" diameter sensate penis capable of natural erections, sex and urinating. In addition scarring will be restricted to 1 incision hidden in the pubic hair and I get to keep my arms.

Buddhas- I am not sure what the enneagram scale is besides a personality test. I usually break personality tests, I got kicked out of a job workshop because I was a plaid in the what color is your parachute test. I don't go into elective surgery without understanding it sufficiently to communicate about any topic in regards to that surgery and assess a surgeons competence. Most people who know me are used to my obsessive creative learning style and if they were all that unhappy with it they wouldn't be my friends. In terms of people caring, most don't and tell me to stop and I do. The sad thing is I lose touch with those people in the thick of my research. Some friends are interested and some aren't, I try to restrict the medical discussion to friends with medical interests and risk management to friends concerned with risk. Fun? I spend time with friends, reading, hiking, camping, cooking, games and a few legal and semi-legal vices. Check out my post on weight if you want to know my diet. I have a very powerful motivation to eat right, I will die if I don't. I destroyed my bowels by eating gluten, I still haven't recovered fully.

In terms of my research, I hope it will provide a stop gap for the next roughly 10 years while they master engineering the penis. In the mean time the actual surgery steps provides for good outcome (for my needs) and the changes to how the surgery is preformed, pre and post op care and engineering protect outcomes.