I am sad today

[MarcosGirl]

I'm the one going through a nasty divorce.  My ex-husband has bad-mouthed me to my kids continually for the last 7 months.  Although my kids are having a hard time with Marco's and my relationship, I can't help but think that it would be easier if they didn't have all the negative input from my ex and my sister.  I try to talk to my kids without the interference of my ex, but it is impossible when he changes their cell phone numbers and sets them to private and then proceeds to tell them that he will take them away if they give me the number.  This is only a fraction of the vindictive crap he does to me.  AND you would have thought the world was coming to an end when my ex found out that I removed him from my Costco membership (Costco is a membership warehouse type store).  We are getting a divorce, I didn't see the need to have a joint membership with him any longer.  He and his parents were amazed that I would do something so vindictive...huh!!!  They need to come back to reality and look at who the vindictive one is and has been for the last 16 years (the main reason I'm divorcing him!).  Well...All this stuff is what makes me angry ...what makes me sad today is that today (the 20th) is my son's 12th birthday .  Although I gave him his gift last night and was able to talk to him briefly this morning, I wasn't able to get through to him this evening to see how his day was (because of cell phone number changes).  I really miss my kids.  We have our final custody hearing this coming Tuesday.  I can't wait until there is a court order that is in place...the first time my ex violates it, I will be there with the police.  I just needed to vent...thanks for reading! 

[HelenW]

I feel so bad that you and your kids are going through this terrible time.  I have seen divorces like this before and always wonder why people can't realize that the only ones who get really, longterm, hurt is the kids.  Can't he see that?

Having been a 12 year old boy once before (well, sort of) I know that it is a sensitive time of life. If I were in your situation, every time I would talk to my kids, I would try real hard NOT to say bad things about their dad (probably next to impossible sometimes, I would think) and I'd keep telling them I love them and that I'll be there for them if they want me.  And I'd keep reaching out.  He may be able to influence them against you now but when they start to think for themselves your love and good example will not be forgotten.

Please remember Susan's is here for you to vent and rage and scream so you can get it out here and not give it to your children.  Hang in there, hon'

helen

[Annie Social]

Pam, just keep in mind that you'll have a lot of people rooting for you on Tuesday. Hang in there!

Annie

[Peggiann]

Pam,
It's a sad thing that someone that is supposed to love their children can't see the harm they are doing by using them to hurt another person the child loves.

Suggestion about the phones. Seems how he changes the #'s and get on the chiildren for giving them to you. You might tell the children..."I want you to respect your Dad's request in not giving me the #'s. I want you to know I love you very much and want to be able to talk with you when ever you want to talk with me. you know my # it has and will not change. you will always be able to call me. You will have to do it from a different phone is all. That way you will not be going against your Dad's wishes of giving me your new #'s. You could use a friends phone or call from a pay phone. I will give you money for calling from a pay phone if you need too." Then address these issues with your Lawyer tto be addressed in court not between the two of you or putting the children in the middle.

You and Marco keep your chins up.
Smiles,
peggiann

[MarcosGirl]

Thank you so much for the advice, Peggiann!

I have done this to a degree.  They can still call me from their cell phones because their father set up the number to ring through as private, but I did tell them that I understood the situation and that they could call me anytime.  I still can call them on the "house" phone, but the problem with that is that my ex answers it all the time.  That's all part of his "control" plan.  It is sooooo hard to encourage my kids to respect and love that man, but I know I need to continue doing that because that is what is best for the kids.  I know that they will see one day that he was the one doing all the bad-mouthing and I didn't.  I just find myself so infuriated at times with all the drama.  I bought myself a tennis racket tonight so I could "beat my bed" to get out my anger in a way that doesn't hurt others (a little tip my therapist gave me).

Good news though!  Tonight I spent about 4 hours with my daughter, just her and I, and she was really receptive to talking about transsexualism and discussing what Marco has gone through in his life.  I felt it was positive.  She still isn't ready to embrace us as a couple, but I do believe that she will come around in time, if I just give her the space she needs to process the information she hears.  At least she is getting some of the positives now and she can start to formulate her own opinions.

Thanks again,
Pam

[Melissa]

That's wonderful Pam.

...if I just give her the space she needs to process the information she hears.

I think your ex is unknowingly helping with this one. 

Melissa