Hello everyone. On this list, I will choose to go by Lars because I've always liked the name. My body is female, but I feel male on the inside. Even making this introduction is a bit uncharacteristic for me because I am used to being very closeted about this.
I have read the rules. I am here for several reasons. I feel rather alone because my culture is rather backward thinking when it comes to gender and sexuality. As a physical female, I am expected to be and feel certain ways. I only came out to myself as trans last year. I am 29 now. It took me until 17 just to accept that I am bisexual. This list is a way for me to not only work on accepting myself but to practice being out and honest with myself in a reasonably safe environment. I am a believer in self honesty, so staying closeted goes against my personal ethics. An honest society is a more funtional one, in my opinion, and that is true for individuals as well, I think. Our society makes it difficult to be honest about sexuality, gender and orientation.
I am out to one real life friend, who lives in another state now, and a few on line friends. I will take a while to come out to family and other friends. Right now, I have a boyfriend I have very strong feelings for, and I don't know how and when to come out to him.
I'm not even ready to even think about hormones and surgery. Yes, I'd like physical and mental gender to match and often wonder how I'd look and how well I'd get along in life as a man, but decisions like that are a ways away for me. As I said, I'm still working on the self acceptance bit because I'm still working on overcoming the bad cultural conditioning I have received.
I was a tomb boy who wanted to grow up to be a man, not a women. I was raised by two loving (although not perfect) parents who assumed traditional gender roles, although my mother does no believe women should be forced to assume a traditional gender role. She made sure to teach me that men and women are created equal. Sure, calling me a dyke is a rotten thing to do, but she at least tought me that I have just as many rights as a man.
Most of my friends have been male, and I have always been on the same wavelength with boys and men. While I did play with dolls, I also played with action figures and Legos and guns and all kinds of toys. I did very little playing dress up and patty- cake games, though I did do some of that. I did allot more rough housing and getting dirty. I wanted to be a boy and simply enjoyed the way they played more. Now, when I joke around with the guys, I am as crude and blunt as the rest of them. One of my friends said, "I knew you were too good to be true." when I said that I don't eat beef. ( eat beef occasionally now, btw. I've also said things like, "How do you talk to women?" and "I don't understand most women." (in response to men telling me relationship horror stories).
I dress rather "butch" (I don't like that word), so all through school, many people have assumed that I am a lesbian. I understand how they could think that though. I do cary myself in a somewhat "manly" fashion. I don't like that word either because it implies that men cannot be soft or talk about emotions or ask for directions.
My communication style is much more cut and dry and far less delicate that a woman's "should" be. I've tried to work on "tact". I had one boyfriend (who I'm still on good terms with) be rather frank with me in saying that I am rather tactless and cource with my language. I dont' try to be. It's funny how well I understand and get along with men. There are times they wait until I leave the room to discuss certain things, and that is fine, but that's because they are either going to discuss something that isn't my business or they were taught that some things are not discussed in the company of women, and they are trying to be polite.
I come to this list hoping to gain acceptance as well as much needed knowledge. I can only contribute what I have, and frankly, I don't have much to share on the topic of being trans gender accept my own experiences. I haven't learned a whole lot on this topic, so I cannot impart wisdom to the newbies. I am a newbie. Hopefully my posts will carry some value and merit.
I am an Agnostic who is interested in paganism and polytheism, so one particular topic of interest of mine is GLBTG people and their experiences in the pagan communities. I understand that we are not accepted among all pagans.
In my own time, I am likely to draw myself as a man (icon?), perhaps cross dress (if I can find good information about how to do it well), practice standing, speaking and acting more like a man.... just work on being OK with me, really. The most I've done is brought up the topic of cross dressing to my mother a few times in all the years I've known her and hid behind "Oh, I'd like to try it just to see if I could convince people."). I have talked about role reversal with a friend of mine, but again, it was more along the lines of "Gosh that looks fun." rather than, "Ya know, I belong in a different body."
Again, please be patient with me. If I use an offensive term, tell me a better one. Don't assume that I am being hateful. If I use incorrect jargon or say something totally incorrect, correct me, of course in a nice way.
Don't expect me to be out loud and proud before I am good and ready. Just as I don't want to be pushed into the closet, I don't with to be pulled out either. I am coming out at my own pace and came here for a safe accepting environment. You should have seen the water works when I finally accepted that I am trans... *chuckle* It felt very free although scary in that this is a new world for me. *chicles* For a man, I sure do cry allot. I even cried a little tonight only because I said, "OK, I'll make a post in a forum and see where that takes me..."
So here I am ready and willing to learn and to work on being me and the best me I can be. Sorry for the length of this post. I had allot to express. Thank you to all forum owners and moderators for keeping a place like this.
By the way, I assume that list members will be perfectly all right with me speaking about myself as a man, so I will do that as a way of working on self acceptance (as opposed to keeping up the front).
Sincerely,
Lars
