I've been feeling really down.
That's a certain satisfaction that one gets from being with a partner. Even just a really close friend that you can curl up and watch a movie with. It's a simple human need, an instinct. It's one that my entire life I've been accustomed to having filled; before I moved to Beaufort people came to me like flies and stuck like honey. I always took it for granted and never really realized the value.
I've been two years now, a bit more really I suppose, without anyone to feel like that with. I've had the emptiness, frustration, and eventually failure and heartbreak that comes from truying to keep up a relationship over a long distance. I've been looking and looking around here in Beaufort, but my kind just doesn't fit around here. The emptiness is just ripping me up.
I get my hopes up when I start talking to someone that I used to be involved with. I accept the promises and take up hope that maybe this agony can end, and then I get dropped. While I guess I'm the fool for putting myself out like that, I can't help but feeling betrayed and even worse when that happens. All those feelings surface again that I do my best to shove down and I look around at my life hopelessly. I look at my life and wonder what the point of it is. I look ahead and don't see much point in continuing the way I am, doing the same thing every day, study and work, study and work. Of course I've been drilled over and over and again and again that life is always worth living, both by myself and from others. But even so, those thoughts keep seeming pretty appealing lately. I can't do it I know, the hope of what is in the future is too strong for my logic to let me give up, but emotionally I'm just going on autopilot. Even on autopilot though, I still see just how empty my life is and despair over it.
I'm so frustrated that the world seems entirely against me having the satisfaction of a loving relationship. There's all these stupid horny marines and soldiers bugging me on myspace, and I'm getting more and more tempted to let myself get used even if it's just for one night of satisfaction of laying in someone's arms. If it's the price I've got to pay for companionship... uuuck. I can't do that of course, I can just think about it as the propositions pile up. There doesn't seem to be anyone of substance in my life. Of course there's people I care about and love and who return that love, people I can see every now and then, but there's noone on MY LEVEL that I can bond with, body and soul.
I don't know. There isn't much point to this, I just had to type it out. I'm keeping this inside of me too much. I'm sorry for bothering you about it.
