Hi everyone,
I have been at another site but it was mostly for cross dressers. Then my dear sis told me about this site. It looks very good with a lot of info. So happy to be here. Ok my story:
I always thought I was a girl and would someday grow up to be a mommy until that day at the age of four. My Mom was in the bathroom doing her nails and I joined her holding my fingers out to be polished also, as I had many times before this was normal for me. But this day she said no, she couldn't do that anymore because I was a boy and I would soon be starting school and boys don't wear nail polish. I was devastated and became depressed and stayed that way for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be a boy and what ever school was I hated it already, I hated life. That was the my earliest traumatic memory.
My parents were expecting a girl. But Sheena is a long ways from the name they had picked. I often wonder if their strong desire for a girl had a big impact on my gender identity from the womb. I don't think my mom ever told me she was disappointed in my being a boy. But I know she dressed me as a girl, I've seen the pictures, when I was very young. I don't think that was a factor though but my wife does. I was told of my parents desire for a girl by my dad when I was in my early twenties.
I did learn how to fit into the male world but never felt I belonged there. But I couldn't be apart of the female world either where I felt I belonged. I just learned to be content being mostly alone and never really happy.
As a child my prayer was, most every night, that I would wake up a girl. Every time I blew out my birthday candles my wish was always the same, that I would become a girl.
I had a brief moment of hope one day, I was 13, when during breakfast we heard over the radio that there had been a successful sex change operation. I didn't know that was possible and knew right then and there I would some day, after I left home, do just that.
But unfortunately it would be 45 years later before I started my transition. I started HRT 8 months ago now and I'm extremely happy that I finally did but I morn all those years I missed being who I really am.
My wife doesn't want to be married to a woman and I hear about it every day. At first when I came out to her, after 39 years of marriage,for a little while she seemed ok with it. She wanted to see me happy. But then she could see it wasn't going away and I realized that I was more than a cross dresser.
I believe God led me to search this out. I've CD'ed all my life except for a couple years there when I met my 1st girl friend until a short time after my wife and I were married. I thought I grew out of it and it was all over then but it came back. I didn't think to much about it, I did enjoy CD'g and now I had discovered sex, before my 1st GF, who seduce me, I didn't know what sex was. All my CD'g was without sex before, it just made me feel very good like this is who I am and need to be. Then some time in my early twenties I got serious about my walk with God and decided that I had to stop CD'g and that He wouldn't be pleased with me doing that. I had to be the man he created me to be. So then every time I gave into it I would feel guilty and ashamed and loathed myself and promised never to do it again. But I couldn't stop, I would resist the temptation for many months but always gave into it again and again. After spending about 34 years my life in this cycle with purging, although I never accumulated much, I had had enough. One day in August two years ago, after living as a woman all week, my wife was on vacation, I felt so evil, I cried out to my Heavenly Father in a very long time of prayer and asked Him why after 56 years on this planet I still wanted to be a woman. I was led to research the internet, still very new to me, and found out that I was not the only person on the planet who was like this and not weird or crazy. And of course God already knows me better than I knew myself and still loves and accepts me. At 1st I thought I was just a CD'er but now I understand myself better and know that I'm TS. No more guilt or shame or self loathing and for the 1st time ever happy. But of course I didn't know anything about this when we got married or I probably wouldn't have or a lest I would've told her. So now my wife feels I betrayed her and now breaking my vows to her. She married and wants a man. I've done a pretty good job acting the part but I never wanted it or liked it and now I have to change it no matter what the cost. I still don't understand why this is so important to me but it is. My doctor can't even tell me why, only God knows. All I know is I was born this way nothing short of a absolute miracle could change me.
Sheena
