Need to find the "right" situation

[Unknown ID]

Hi, I am considering coming out to my parents. This is how it is:

I am a 15 year old (16 on April 13th) that is very sure of my true identity. I know that i am a female inside. But, I have had it rough with my family lately. My parents are divorced and my only real parent is my mom. (I go to my dad's house frequently but he has NO parenting skills) Both of my parents are re-married and I have a sister from each household. I have a step-dad that I absoluely HATE. He has been mean to me since day 1. On top of that, he favors my sister. I think that if i came out and told my mom about my true identity, she would be REALLY freaked out. (I am pretty sure she knows nothing about it)

BUT, I have worked up a plan. My family at my mom's house (Mom, Step-dad(HATE!), my sister, and me) go to family counseling about once a month. I can probably have a one on one chat with the counselor and tell him that I am who I am. I would like to see how he feels about it. If he is at least a little bit understanding, I will procede on telling my mother (perhaps with his presence) and if he is a little experianced on the subject, he can maybe even provide some information on what trans means. there is one problem with this plan though, It is my mom; she is VERY religous and I dont know how she feels about the subject.

What do u think? I know that the only person I could really tell is my mom so... well, i have no other option. Could people maybe tell me what their coming out plan was? AND if it worked?

Posted on: April 07, 2008, 06:28:13 PMdoes anybody have a similar situation? 

[J.T.]

i think that's a good idea, bouncing it off the counselor.  sounds like there is a lot going on in your family right now.

my plan, i emailed my family and got them together.  i didn't wanna do it around a holiday or birthday so had to wait a couple of months.  it was nerve wracking.

[Unknown ID]

Ty for answering, i guess that these forums arn't super popular like im used to using so it took awhile.

Anyhoo, I talked to the school therapist today (I trust her a LOT) I told her a lot but i left out some stuff, I left out that I would like to transition as I thought it might make her think too much about me and tell my parent(s). But other than a few things, I told her most of my situation. I think it was probably the hardest thing to do that i have accomplished in my short life. I am sure that telling my mom will be harder but I guess thats life. Her response was basicly: Everyone has issues, some are bigger than others, and you should go see a gender therapist after you tell your mom about this. I don't know about you but I think that that was a pretty good way to say it.

I have written out a letter of how I am planning the talk (I planned to tell her at the therapist, but I have second thoughts.) Here is a summary(PLEASE correct me if I shouldn't say something a certain way OR ANYTHING ELSE!):

Mom, I need to talk to you. Could we talk in private? (She will obviously say yes) I want to talk to you about me. I am not happy with who I am right now. By saying that, I do not mean that I don't like myself as an individual. I mean that I don not like who I am physicly (probably wrong spelling). I believe that I have a condition called Gender Dysphoria. Before I tell you exactly what that means, I want you to know a few things: I will always love you. This condition isn't your fault. I have always been this way. Now I know what you are thinking, that this is somthing very wrong. Well, It is not. I believe that it is a genetic effect that happens in the time before birth. In that time period, people get assigned their gender roles. Gender consists of two parts, body and mind. And you probably know that all people are initially female. Well, to make somebody male, the body requires a special key. And, in MOST cases, the male person gets a full key. But sometimes the body, for whatever reason, only recieves half of a key. And in this case, the person gets a male body but a female mind. As you can probably see, this condition is probably genetic. I have had desires to be a female all of my life, and I don't believe that it is possible to change. It is in my genes.

In some ways I really am a girl. I have good communication skills with females, after all my best friend is (girl at my school). If you haven't noticed, I do behave a LOT like a girl. When I was younger, I LOVED beanie babies. In health class in about 6th grade, I REALLY found myself. This is when I realized who I really am. But that was only when it came to my consiousness. I have been this way my entire life and I hope that this will not lessen the ammount of love and support you give me.    END

So, do u think this is any good? what should I change?

[foreversarah]

Ty for answering, i guess that these forums arn't super popular like im used to using so it took awhile.

Anyhoo, I talked to the school therapist today (I trust her a LOT) I told her a lot but i left out some stuff, I left out that I would like to transition as I thought it might make her think too much about me and tell my parent(s). But other than a few things, I told her most of my situation. I think it was probably the hardest thing to do that i have accomplished in my short life. I am sure that telling my mom will be harder but I guess thats life. Her response was basicly: Everyone has issues, some are bigger than others, and you should go see a gender therapist after you tell your mom about this. I don't know about you but I think that that was a pretty good way to say it.

Hi,

Great letter, spilt it up into more paragraphs, e asier to read and there's too much to take in at once. It is spelt "physically." Sorry to sound fussy, but other than that it's a great letter

Posted on: April 08, 2008, 10:22:13 PMHi,

I forgot to mention that counsellers have to keep things confidential, unless they are concerned for you, but in this sort of situation they would have no reason to tell anyone.

Sarah

[saraswatidevi]

When you talk about a mismatch in your genes you have to expect even a well meaning mother to get a little defensive. I think you need to include a sentence or two about not holding her responsible. And you don't think she could have done anything to make this come out different.

[foreversarah]

Hi,

Well pointed out, how did I miss that?

Sarah

[Unknown ID]

TY for corrections, and the spelling doesnt really matter (I'm NOT showing my mom the letter unless nessisary), but thanks for pointing that out. I think that I will have the talk sometime this week. either today or thursday (I'm scared  ) but I know that this has to come out, and it would have happened sooner or later. My mom hasn't gotten home yet. If we arn't doing anything, I will probably tell her today. I still am very nervous, so nervous that i'm shaking a little. (I do that sometimes when I am under a lot of pressure)

Posted on: April 08, 2008, 05:06:52 PMOMG, I'm freaking out! My mom just called, and she will be here in 30 minutes!! She has already told me that we are not doing anything tonight. I think that she knows that somthing is up. (maybe it's just paranoia) But I already told her that i want to see out family councilor. I bet that she knows that there is something going on. When I tell her, today or not, I just want her to know that this is real so I MIGHT show her this particular page. Well, IDK, maybe just if she doesnt believe me.... any quick, positive replys would mean the life to me. (please be positive or tell me that I'm crazy)

[Just Mandy]

Hi UK,

When faced with big things like this, I like to fall back on "Whats the worst that can happen?".

Can I die? No. Everything else is minor in the scheme of things. You can do this.

Good luck sweetie Be sure to let us know how it goes.

One more thing... it's going to be hard and emotional, the less detail you give her about
GID the easier it will be to get it out. You can always fill in the detail later.

Amanda

[Unknown ID]

Ok, my mom is almost here. Thanks for the advice, and thank you for calling me sweetie, It made me very happy Sorry if this is weird to say, but it did. (I wish that there was a smily showing the feeling of such happiness that there is a single tear in it's eye) Because if there was, I'd already have posted 10 of them. I guess I'll make my own: =') =') =') =') =') =') =') =') =') =') . well, my moms here, updates within a few hours. 11 =')

[Just Mandy]

You are sweet... and good luck

Amanda

[foreversarah]

Hi,

Is it too late to say good luck? Bt good luck anyway.

Sarah

[Unknown ID]

Thanks for the best of wishes!

Ok, I talked to her about it. It was a pretty quick chat, as far as coming out chats go...(maybe 30-60 minutes) But here is the jist of it (after I told her everything):

1-(SHOCKING) My mom had thoughts of being a boy when she was about my age!!! She never acted on it(not so shocking).
2-My mom was very surprised about this.
3-I said that I wanted to do more than just think about Gender dysphoria One thing I said was I want to dress like a female(more than that!)
4-She told me to get her 2 things:
       -Websites that explain gender dysphoria (she didn't know the term)
       -Pictures of things that I would wear!!!
At that point I had gone INSANE inside, and not JUST INSANE, MORE than that)
I was kindof thinking: O MY GOSH, she is SERIOUSLY thinking about me being a girl and what 
I would WEAR?!?!? But at the time I was very serious with her. I didn't get ecstatic until after we   
were done talking and I realized the magnitude of what she had said (She didn't see me get
ecstatic) and as I was just sitting down at my computer to write this, she asked me to go to
target to look at stuff (Not girl stuff) (YET) But, it was a shopping trip which she probably wouldn't have taken me on if I had never told her this. All in all, this day was pretty good as far as progress.

O, I still don't know her thoughts on hormones. But she said that she would send me to a therapist (that can hopefully help on that front  ) With lots of luck, I will be on hormones at the end of the school year. I am switching schools next year. I believe my mom was pretty ok with who I am. My hope is that I can get on hormones ASAP. I know that the transition will take a while.
                                                                           THE BEGINNING ( )

P.S. ~ Sorry for the bad pun, but I HAD to do that...

[Moira Midnigh]

Aw, that's wonderful, dear!

I'm so happy for you, it really seems like it turned out perfect ^^'

And really nothing else to say...uhm...wow, this must be such a happiness-boost for you, I can't even imagine what you're feeling ^___^

Congratulations on having a wonderful mum, and I hope she'll keep up the good support.

Aww, now I feel all warm too.

Hugs from me, dear. You did a brave thing and I must say it seems to have paid off.


~Moi

[Pica Pica]

Good luck with it.
Expect a period closer to the time when she cools off a tad Been reading these forums a while now and it often happens, but well done on a difficult job, and good luck with the future.

[Just Mandy]

That is wonderful, give your mom a hug tonight and tell her how special she is

I know there is at least one other parent that comes to Susan's, so if you feel comfortable
with it and your mom wants to know more about GID, tell her about Susans.

Good luck!

Amanda

[J.T.]

wow, that happened really fast.  way to go!  and yes, be aware that she may get in "denial" mode for a little bit.  it happens all the time.  but all in all it sounds great.  congrats.  wow i wish i had started transitioning at your age, when i was your age i had never heard of trans people.

[foreversarah]

Hi,

Congratulations! You have done what many of us want to do but can't. It sounds like you got the perfect reaction from your mother which everyone wants. You're so much braver than I am and a great example.

Sarah

[Unknown ID]

Yea, I think that things went really well. I hope that she now knows my true thoughts, but I have doubts. I told her that I have gender dysphoria but I don't know if she knows that I want to go on hormones. I should have made that more clear, but maybe it would be better to tell her when she wants to talk to me and ask questions. I know that she will have some, but I don't know if she will take the initiative to talk to me about them. I will probably show her sites (not this one YET) that deal more with gender dysphoria, and then later trans web sites.

I have already emailed her a list of a few gender dysphoria sites. (I looked at them before) (lol, don't want her to go to a website that she would question the content of and possibly change her view this early into this period) But other than a little bit of confusion on her part, things are going pretty good.

[Just Mandy]

Good for you. I like happy endings.... or beginning in this case.

Amanda

[Unknown ID]

OMG... I am so sad...  like but much more so... Yesterday my mom came home from work at like 7:00 and after she started talking, I knew that she was talking funny to me... NOT FUNNY funny but weird funny... I am going to write about this depressor in my next thread.