hate myself right now

[kristinrichann]

 My SO had her parrents move in with us this last week  talk about downers  her mom calls me gay and a Homosexual  well if it makes her happy I guess   but then she expects me and her husband to unload her moving van 26' packed full into our barn  just to get it out of the way I had to move it again  not to mention I have been the maid of the house picking up after everyone cleaning the house doing laundery and I was sick of it  I even have been having to do any labor work to (her mom is lazy and makes her husband or others to cater to her including me) I already have a couple of buldged disks in my back  well to make a story short  I have been eating codien for the last week like it was candy  well I'm a ex junkie and I was able to catch myself some what in time and quit them cold turkey before I got two deep  well I blew up at my SO today  and I feel like ->-bleeped-<- for doing it   I know that I am with drawing because I have the headicks shakes gut ake  whole body pains  and even have a tuchy teperment (imanage putting that togeather with the mood swings in hormons)  we have been the best of friends untill now  now I hear its all my fault etc. from everyone  talk about depression again   her mom is so negitive about everything in her life   I even told her that she is bringing me down  my SO isnt seeing it all   and I feel like she is not standing up to her mom   her dad is Kool but her mom that is another story  I have the cutest little 4yr boy that calls me   MeMe  K     and my SO mommy   he is my byo son just before I started to trans  and I let her do a stepmom adopt  well I guess she wants to leave with him  guess I'm a looser    some times I hate people let alone my life  well I guess its time for some deep theripy with my theripst again   thought I was over it    there is no end no matter how hard you try  any body got ideas how I should respond to all this   as I see it I'm F@#$^&  over   Ive lost my main famely and now I'm about to loose by baby boy
take cair all
Kristin   

[debbie j]

wow kristinrichann thats a lot of stuff going on. i do hope things  work out and get better . i know it is not

easy to deal with at times if not most of all the time. but like i said i really do hope everything work,s out ,

and the stress goes away .

[kristinrichann]

well I have had it I am moving out I'm not going to loose what progress I have made so far

[Annwyn]

Yar.

SO?  As in, Senior Officer?

[Sandy]

Yar.

SO?  As in, Senior Officer?

Significant Other...

[kristinrichann]

I hope and think they were making a pun on that   when do you say you have had enough   its bad enough when a person lables a person directly but when they do what was done to my son that is another 
explaination:
we were having a discussion between my SO and me and I made a statement I didnt know why he liked blonds so much then her mom piped in and said all dark people like blonds  no my son is maloto but were is there race in that (I dont see it) and my so cant even stand up to her mom  I can take being called a queer ->-bleeped-<- gay homosexual and all the above in one sentance  which she has called me  but when my son get labeled that is it  I blew    and I was wrong?  she might as well as used the "N" word  a word that I have hated all my life  its another to be put into the picture "oh he likes being the maid" look how he is dressed   get a friggin life!
some people are sick in the head  with the way that they think  no wonder there is raceism and sederagation  not to mention what we have to deal with in our life with transition to make things right
TTFN
sorry for venting but when I have had enough I have had enough
Love ya all
Kristin

[cindybc]

Hi, Kristin,
Unfortunately there are folks out there who are lacking any education about GID and transsexualism. More times than none they just don't know beans about transsexualism, except that they will think that you are weird, homosexual, queer, etc.  These labels are the most commonly-used because they are more well known and talked about out there in society. 

They are not to be equated with words like "genderqueer." transgender or any other gender variances such as the many other gender variances that are not as well known to society. These are preferences that some do choose to adapt to. In order" to be you," you may have to relocate away from those who will not accept you in your "new" gender. You can always try to educate them about transsexualism, but I would not hold my breath on succeeding in getting them acknowledge you state of being, it would be surprising and amazing at the very least if they did.

Most times in this kind of situation they will more likely reject your attempts and efforts to educate them were a waste. They may even try to domineer your life. Consider well your choices because if your choice is to stay there and live you might have a very psychologically painful and agonizingly short life.

To have any kind of contented happy life as the true you, there may be only one alternative:  by moving on, and I mean moving on, escaping from all the crap that is going to hit the family fan. I really hope and pray that you will be guided to find your own answers that is sufficient for your survival. Yes, that is what it comes down to with many of us who have decided on transitioning because that is the only other choice.

Cindy     

[kristinrichann]

cindybc  thankyou for the input    I look at as she is sick in the friggin head   one the way everything has to be by her way of thinking  two she doesnt care about her self and how she looks or let alone she feels that the whole world owes her something  my SO went to the Dr. with her came back and told me she weighs 485 lb  dont know how much that is in stones but in my tearms obease    she is always looking for the free ride wants to collect that free goverment monie    just because I wear womens clothes and have started taking on a femine aperience (a lot) she thinks I should be the house maid  ya right get a life  she can go to h e double hocky pucks   she is the one that couldnt get her brown matter in a group and be prepaired for her later years  so she needed a place to live because she can no longer keep a roof over her head   she is the one with a husband that hasnt got any wavos between his legs  I do have to say the he deservs better than that  hes a nice guy   well I have to say that last night the brown matter hit the rotating blades at high pepetural motion and I blew up    well every one has a different attitude now  she is quiet   everyone is quiet    but I can not still calmely foirgive her for sterro typing my son like I said she might as well used the "N" word  as I see it I and my SO are the ones that baught this house well I live here and this is my house if she dont like it she can get the F out  I will not be treated like a severntin this house    I hated to blow  and right now everyone is on pins and needels wondering just when I will blow again  I absoulty do not want to blow up again so I am going to have a serious talk with my therpist  and get it back togeather   I know well about how others look at us and there is no changing their way of thinking only they can  I never want to go back to that f in man mode again that I think is why I hated my self so much
thanks ya all
any feed back is welcome I never want to go back to man mode again
Kristin

[debbie j]

Kristin hun i can honestly say i cant blame you for blowing up. i know if it was me i would have too done the

same thing . and i will also say it was not right at all for her mother to say one word at all in any way

shape or form about your son . that was just plain wrong for her to do that  i do hope things get

better Kristin 

[kristinrichann]

like I said I have come so far to finaly except who I realy am and start becoming the real me   I am so close to compleation that the whole world can suck the big one   I am not quiting just to make someone happy   I am so happy with who I have finaly started to become   but when people realy piss me off  I just cant (or dont) handel it in the manner that I think I should  that friggin Man mode keeps kickin in  I have do so good at getting rid of the male atritubets that I usto have   but when I am pushed two hard then that friggin man part keeps comming back I need him gone for good
but thanks ya all for the suport
Kristin

[Chaunte]

kristinrichann,

This is a hard road as it is, and having your in-laws move in does not help at all.  I have a couple questions to help understand.  You may have already answered these questions, but I may have missed it...

First, and most importantly, how does your SO and child feel about your true self coming out?

Any chance you can talk privately with your SO about having them move out?  It sounds like they are being derrogatory towards your child, if not verbally abusive.  This might be some leverage to help move the decision your way.

Are you talking with a counselor?  If not, I urge you in the strongest possible way to find one.

You have a boatload of stuff on your plate right now.  I know how hard it is to keep everything balanced and in perspective.  Before you make any permanent decisions about anything, please please please talk with a professional.  There is far too much at stake to let anger and frustration ruin your lives.

I suspect that there are some here who will disagree, but you cannot stuff your male self into a box and toss it into the trash.  That is part of your personal history.  A counselor can help you sort out the best parts of your male self to bring into your new world, and that is a good thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Chaunte

[kristinrichann]

Chaunte  thank you
first: I'm am known as MEME K to him  he knows me as a woman not a man that is all he has known me as I live full time as a woman  I am not far to compleation to my SRS  already been talking with M. Bowers and getting the finals set   me and my SO are just like sisters  (we even get along better like that (untill now) we have our own lives  I do keep in mind that this is her parents and she feels a devotion to help them (why I have no idea)   My SO is the one to push me into doing it she was tired of seeing me fight it for all these years  ad as to my littel boy you are so right she has been belitteling me in front of my child  that added to the fire for the explosion that happened

second: yes I have talked with her and express that this no longer feels like my house    its like I am nothing more than a maid or a guest in my own house  I have expressed that I am just about ready to move out just so I can keep my sanity   I have told her that I have enough on my plate with the transition and the feedback that I get from the general couminity here   they (her mom) wants us to pay their bills for them even buy them a house etc.    my SO has sold off almost all her doll collection to pay their moving here  she has put her foot down and told them that she is not selling any more of her collection and that the rest of her famely  needs to chip in for once   
let me explain her famely (mom and dad)  are not verry thriftfull and they did nothing but put themselfs in this posision in the first place  they had a house her mom devorced her dad then made him sell the house  and took him for most all the profets well they got back togeather after she blew it all (nothing to show for it all)  well now she has been diognest (sp?) with skin cancer low thyorad  etc and they could no longer suport themselfs were they lived   I have a lot of acerage  and we offered that they could use a little to set a trailer on to live in so they could get it togeather  well to make it short her mom is mental (serriously!!) and she doesnt want to live in a trailer  she wants a three bedroom home  new she thinks that I am made of monie I am not rich but I have worked hard all my life to get us to were we are and I did that so we could live comfertably through our later years with out many worries  this woman thinks that the state country and even her famley owe her something (so wrong  There is a saying ass grass or cash no one rides for free)  to top it off we even tried to get the famely togeather to get life inshurance on them  and her coment to her daughter was " why would I want to sign that  just what did my kids ever do for me!" now keep in mind that when she said this she was talking with her eldest daughter

third: oh yesssss   infact I called her and told her what is going on   I have several new apointments with her now

I dont know why but I think that that male part realy needs to be gone  but right now  I am kinda glad that it still here because sence I have exploded her mom keeps her distance from me now  almost like people are walking on pins and needels  this is not right that it should be like that  but if I give her mom a inch she will try to take a mile  I know that she is trying to insite prolbems with my SO and I  but my SO is also sick of her crap but then (why??) she stills feels a responsibility to her parrents that is her life
any way I could go on but I dont want to bore ya all
thank you all for your prayers and thoughts
take care ya all
Kristin

[Alyce]

ouch! I feel for you.. I do. I'm in a somewhat similarly self-depressing situation myself. Tell your SO you're really really sorry (I've done the same with mine! ) and just sit downa dn talk to her about what's goin on...

Also, you said her parents moved in with you guys? Your place your rules. If they don't do ->-bleeped-<-, kick em out! I dont know, something to think about

[kristinrichann]

thanks already did and I am back with my counsler again (in deep theirpy)  she and my SO and I had a discussion (deeep)    well to make a long story short my theripest is asking my mother in law to come to a meeting with my SOand I.   and she says she " is going to set her straght about all this" as she says about my situation and my SO   my theripest is 80 yrs old (looks good for her age, didnt believe it when I heard) and she says that she "will talk to her and make her understand" says "she (her mom) is young enough to be her daughter so I wont have a prolbem"  my theripest was pissed when she heard all this but one thing that she says I need to do insted of blowing up or holding it in is to get a pen and a piece of paper and scream as loud as posible on the papers and then tear them up in little pieces we'll see if it works getting close again
I wish her luck (hell I even wish myself luck) I have never seen such a ignorant person as my in law   well now my SO is seeing my theripest for her own reasons with her famely (and I can't blame her)   I have never seen such a screwed up famely in all my life Hell I thought mine was bad when they found out about me   like I told my SO  I dont miss them  (I truthfully don't!) she replied that she kinda feels the same about hers she wished she never knew them some times she feels like her mom isnt her mom  (confusing but truthfull if you ever met this woman) well in all I do feel more secure sence I am seeing her again   she is a verry smart woman and compasiont about life and people like us. we will see if the paper thing works I just baught two reams 1000 pieces
take cair ya all
with love Pippy and Kristin
Ps she reads this all  she is also verry compasiont about us also expecialy when a good friend was killed by idiots like her mom

[nickie]

Kristin,
Right now, distancing yourself from these people is the best thing you can do. You need to get out of there, and focus on yourself. Trans people have been called selfish, and heck yeah, we are selfish. We have to be. Congratulations on your transition, and keep up the good work. Really, get those negative people away from you, protect yourself, so you can be yourself. Love yourself, no kidding. Let them fend for themselves for once. Bless them and send them on their way. Go your own way. Being Trans can be lonely, but for a time, all I had were other Trans people, and my minister. They helped me through my worst times. Bless you!

[kristinrichann]

Nickie
thank you for the vote of encouragement.   I am fairly much out of there now, any futher I'd be on the moon.,  and at times I think that is not far enough.  you are so right about the shelfish, thing I went through that with my famely already. and that has helped to numb me for part of this.  I am not going to stop my transition for any one!  (guess this is the shelfish thing) I have wanted No! needed this for all my life and I Am NOT! going to give it up for any one.  I do love who I have become (or as my theripst says am becoming).  as I went through what I have traveled, I felt like a rose in bloom, and as far as I see it I am still blooming.,  and no one is going to clip my buds!   I just hate it when I get pushed to the extreem that man thing kicks in to protect me.  in a way I am glad it is there, but there has got to be a better way of handeling it.   so as my theripst says shout on paper.   I will try.   one thing is she didnt blame me for the nucular explosion that day, but as she said that isnt even as healthy as holding it in, neither is good for you.   I guess I have a good allie with her, she knows how hurt. and week I am right now.   so many that havent started hormons,  dont relise just what they do to you, not only physicaly but mentaly.  think that they were on a roller coster ride before they started, wait untill they kick in.  well all in all, no longer am I walking on pins and needels. every one else is wondering just when I will blow up again  (shoe is on the other foot now)  I know that this is not right but I feel I have to take a stand.  but it is nice to talk with my theripst again, she has realy helped me in the past maby I should just hang in there with her
again thank ya all for the input it all helps one reasion I am here at this board compaired to others there is a little negitivity here but not  like other boards I have been on  there is a lot more positive feedback here
take cair ya all
Kristin

Posted on: May 10, 2008, 08:55:23 AMJust a update
well I kicked every one out of my house, and now its just me and my little boy.  I got a atorney and droped  the bomb on every one.  I will say this, that she is defently the devil in drage.   cost a little and will put me pospoining other things (have to set piroretys) but I finaly have piece in this house.  even he is more relaxed. even gets to watch cartoons in the morning now.  I went to his graduation from pre school, and I have to say he was the best dressed at the graduation, in his blue suit.  dont know why other parrents didnt dress up their children.  still have a battel on my hands with the seperation. with my son I think and so does my therips, that my SO will use the gender card on me, to get custody. so under her advice I am going through several different evaluations to prove  (I guess) I'm sane  the one advantage that I have is that he is my bio son not hers. but then there is the courts and how others view us, I know that it is not right but welcome to the relity of life. I do have to say that I do have some big guns behind me but I do need to make shure that I have all my ducks in a row befor this all begins. I wont be on line as much checking out the posts but for now I will keep a up date going as to how things progress on this all
any who ya all take care
love Kristin and JR.

[cindybc]

Hi  Kristinrichann hon, I was once in that situation but unfortunately it didn't go to well. For one thing back in those days the courts always favored to woman over the man when it came to custody of the children. Well I lost the three children and a half million dollar piece of property, end of story.

Well I will pray that all goes well for you and I do so pray you get to keep your son in your custody I can feel in your words that your son is the most important part of your life.

Cindy

[kristinrichann]

thank you cindy   you are right he is the most presious one in my life   kinda funny he excepts me as me me k     but as for almost every one else in this world  they look at us  as freaks or something    my att says that my SO as far as custody doesnt stand a chance because he is my blood not hers she is not his bio mom   I had her (his real mom) rights terminated three years ago  the other is I am paying for him to go to a christin school and his fees have been paid for the next 8 years   but as she said that the courts (because I have not compleated my transition) still will look at me as being a freak  even she says that this is wrong  but she is afraid that CPS will get involved in this and I might loose him there  it will be their biases impression that may do the damages   that is why my theripst and att is having me get evaluations to fight anything that may come of it and even taking parrenting classes    but even my att said that this might be a loosing battel    I'll be on my prayer bones a lot
take care ya all

[cindybc]

Hi  Kristin, I will send prayers that it all goes in your favor. I had eleven children go under my roof through the years and the last three were left in my care by the mother was when I was just starting out full time as Cindy. It was cleared by the Children's Aid since I knew them all pretty well when I was working in the capacity of a social worker back then. I had those kids in my custody for two years.  So it appears that the laws, if there are any, about Trans folks and custody of children has also changed some, might be worth looking into it.

Cindy

[kristinrichann]

cindy thankyou any input that you may have is apreciated  I just hope that my att is parinoid about the state  as to my SO she says no prolbem because she has no legal right to him but I guess the state is another matter as to how they will view me   well as I see it I think I am taking all the proper steps to prove who I am as a person and that I have the ability to raise my boy and I do just that raise him as a boy he is by all means a boy I that I can rember never acted or did things like he does
take care all