As I wasn't getting much sleep last night, I decided to do something productive. I drafted a letter to my fellow employees in anticipation that the day will come when, at a company meeting, I must address them. I'm assuming I won't be in attendance and that HR will open the meeting with an explanation. If this letter helps anyone else, great!
By the time this is read aloud, I know you will have already heard an explanation of gender dysphoria. Even though this situation affects one in 12,000 males, for most of you, it is likely you have never known anyone in this situation. As with many other conditions, the degree to which it affects each individual varies from case to case. For me, it became a driving, inner force. Unfortunately, it is not something like a cardiac arrest or the flu which you might easily relate to or at least understand. The closest I can come to helping you is with the following analogy:
If as a very young child you went to Disney World, you would undoubtedly have run into Mickey Mouse walking down the street. To you, Mickey was real. You related to him and treated him as what you perceived: a male mouse. You expected behavior consistent with what you saw. As for Mickey's behavior, "he" has to conform to a set of rules that meet with those expectations, even if at time he feels otherwise. He must preserve the expected image enforced by others at almost all costs. He would be punished for acting in any way that you would not consider "normal". This is true for each of us as children growing up except the expectation of acting "normal" based upon our physical being is imposed by everyone in our social environment. Now, as a child meeting Mickey, what you could not know is that inside that "shell" might have been a 25 year old female. The difference between that actress playing Mickey and me is that "she" gets to take off her outer male shell every night. For 55 years, I have not.
While most likely this does not help you understand, perhaps it can help you appreciate my situation and the decision I have made. What individuals such as I fear most isn't the need in some ways to begin over but a lack of support. It is this that makes it very difficult to come before a large group at this time. I have known many of you for some time. What I ask you to understand is that in most ways, I am the same individual you have come to know, and hopefully respect. I possess the same intelligence and skill as in the past, the same attitude of teamwork on the streets, and the same ethical map that you have come to know. In short, I have only begun to remove a shell, just like Mickey.
Unfortunately, this process is not as simple as waking up one morning with everything neatly in place to go forward. Nor is it something one can keep out of sight as changes occur, something that is most difficult as one must continue to function in the presence of "onlookers". Lest you think this is an easy path, consider that it is one that places stress on one's emotional boundaries and involves an immense amount of physical pain. I can assure you that no one chooses this path lightly. In addition, you will notice there are times when, due to medical needs, I will be away for periods of time. I ask for your indulgence.
For those of you that can accept this, I appreciate your support. I will need it. As a group, I thank you all in advance and will probably do so individually many times over. I am sensitive to the fact that seeing me with a new face, hearing a different voice, and addressing me by a different name will take some time to get used to. Some changes will occur slowly over time. Others you may see after I have been away for a while. I am very willing to answer almost any question you may have.
For those that find this difficult or something to take lightly, I expect you will have the ability to maintain your professionalism and to keep your opinions private.
Jaclyn Schwach
