Something happened today which was very upsetting and I felt the need to mention it here. Maybe someone here will have some words that are comforting, maybe not. Hopefully you do.
As some of you may remember, I am currently living at my Mother's house where I grew up. We live in the country, so the neighbors are not very close. We don't see them very often, but they are there. We don't really know who has heard about my transition and who has not. One neighbor in particular we don't speak to because when he heard about my transition he spread a not so nice rumor through town about it. And that same guy works on my construction site and knows my boss. He just hasn't put two and two together yet. I haven never seen this guy at work, and he doesn't know I work there.
The neighbor across the road is a lady with a cabin deep in the woods. Since she moved in during the past year we haven't actually met her. She called my Mom and said she was having an open house for neighbors and invited her to come and bring whomever. We figured what the hell? We might see the guy we don't like but we'll live, right?
So we walked across the road and through the woods, and here is the neighbor lady and a girl my age. My first thought was that this girl was really good looking in that girl-next-door sort of way, and I instantly had that pang of jealousy because she wasn't have to work two jobs to finance a vagina. But anyway... my Mom introduced me as her daughter, and the lady said she didn't know she had a daughter. Awkward moment number one. The young girl told my Mom it had been so long since she had seen her and told her who she was. Awkward moment number two. I freaked out, because this girl was a neighbor whom I had known extremely well from about age 4-14, but hadn't seen in almost that long. Not only was it awkward, but I was even more jealous. This little girl that I practically grew up with the tomboy looks was now this great looking twenty year old with a vagina standing in front of me, the transsexual! I could have easily crawled into a hole and died.
Now I have to give her credit, because she handles it well. She very casually reached her hand out and introduced herself and said, "Hi Amy, I think we use to know each other when we were young." In another life we could have been great friends, but in this one I don't think I could ever get over how come she was born to look like that and be like that from day one and I have to work so damn hard at it?!?
So then the a-hole guy walked around the corner and my Mom and I excused ourselves to head into the house, but then I saw that there were 20 cars parked at the cabin, and most likely all the people that drove those cars were other people I used to know that were sitting inside. So I am ashamed to say that my Mom and I snuck out the back driveway and back to the house.
I hate being resentful of other girls. I hate it that I can't even meet an old friend without being jealous and embarrassed. And I hate it that I can't even enjoy a party because I'm not sure who will be there. I don't have as much problems with girls I've never met, so my first thought was to move away from this town where I won't ever run into people.
Just had to vent. Life is really rough lately. I cried for about two hours last week. The stress just finally broke me. And then I crashed my car into the carport, which will cost me a $250 deductible out of surgery fund, because I have nowhere else to take it from.
Thanks for listening.
