Guilt was my coping mechanism.

[cindybc]

Hi Beyond hon, that is so true.

Hey don't worry, sometime in the not too distant future you'll be the one giving out the advice and doing the handholding.

Hi Floating yes some day you will be the one that will hold your hand out for another and I feel so very privileged and feel good inside when ever I am able to help someone, whether that be on this board or those out there living on the street.

I might be just a little person but I hold a warm hand out there for anyone who needs it.

Cindy

[Lokaeign]

I can really relate to this.  I've tried so, so hard to stick with the "female" identity I  got handed, out of guilt over the damage I was going to do if I even began to step away from it.  I basically had to reach breaking point, where I just couldn't contemplate going on anymore, before I took the simple step of even saying to myself "I'm not a woman, I'm a third."  I felt guilt over the thought of making the people in my life deal with it, guilt over making "normal" society deal with it.  And on top of that, I felt tremendous guilt for leaving it so long--for embracing and benefiting from gender normativity while other people were standing up and addressing the issue, putting their bodies on the line.  I felt--still feel--like I don't deserve to identify as third because I didn't start early enough.

[cindybc]

Hi,  Lokaeign, hon,
I am not to certain what you mean about *third.*  Are you are saying that this is not identifying as or feel you are one or the other on either side of the binary? If so, then that means you are an androgyne.

Or are you saying that the best you can hope for even after accomplishing full transition, like post-op, that the best we can do is to become stuck in being at best a third rate citizen to from the point of view of the neuts out there?

Well, I used to play those mental ping pong games until I just decided to be happy and be who I am regardless of what the neuts out there think. I have been at this for eight years and I have not had any problems from the neuts out there or the "committee of they" as they have sometimes been referred to as.

Cindy 

[Eva Marie]

OMG...

I'm so totally glad you wrote this. Your words echo what is in my mind daily. I think about those very things you speak of when I drive to work. I think of the starving kids, the homeless on the street and how I have so much. Guilt is a major deterrent. I think of my son, my spouse, my job, people that depend on me. I've built my life to a point where I am in "check-mate" with myself. I tell myself I cannot transition because in this game of life I have placed the pieces on the board that forced me into a corner and I have no more moves. I must lay down and concede. I have lost the game. I can only take that last piece off the board and see what lies beyond.

Yet I take the drugs daily shredding my mind, heart, and soul to ribbons with hate for myself and what I am doing. Guilt is part of it, the other is wondering how I could be so selfish. I have everything a person could really need. I have a lot of wants, but I have more than I need.

Why is that not enough? Why am I not happy?

I have built a life based on the perception of what society would expect. I was born as a male because of a tag of flesh and have slowly crawled my way day by day to success. But that success does not belong to me. it belongs to him. Its not real, not wanted. Love for my son is real. Love for my spouse is real. The real guilt is knowing I would do anything for my son, yet there is an exception. I'd do anything but not transition. That means I would do anything but that which is now making me a liar knowing I cannot do anything for my son. He deserves a dad. Life is not fair, I can attest to that more so than many others. If anybody should not want to hurt a child its me. Yet, here I sit growing breast, hair is getting longer, weight is coming off and every day that passes my sons dad is dying. Guilt is a horrible burden. Shame and selfishness are also burdens I must bear.

Why is one willing to tear all that down to face an uncertain future? Only another TS could ever understand. I'm sad for the person the world sees in a way. I feel sorry for him, the person surrounding me. He is not who I am. I just want to be me inside and out.

Life is not fair and deserve has nothing to do with it.

Wow, I can relate to this. I just recently discovered my GID and while I think I identify with the androgynes (and thus not really interested in SRS) there is still the guilt of wanting to "do something" to address the way I feel (and i'm doing something as my little boobs will attest to), but yet feeling constrained and guilty by the life choices and commitments i've already made vs. some of the things I want to do for me, and some of the ways i'd like the people in my life to be able to accept a "different" me, and the realization that some of them are not capable of that (sorry for the run-on sentence). There is also the guilt of letting people down. It is all a mess at this point in my mind, and I know it will spill out into my life sooner or later (probably when the booblets become a visible issue, but yet I continue to work on making them larger).

Yes, guilt surely does suck. I didn't ask for any of this......

[Lokaeign]

Hi,  Lokaeign, hon,
I am not to certain what you mean about *third.*  Are you are saying that this is not identifying as or feel you are one or the other on either side of the binary? If so, then that means you are an androgyne.

Yes, that's what I meant.  I like the term 3rd-gendered to describe myself.

Or are you saying that the best you can hope for even after accomplishing full transition, like post-op, that the best we can do is to become stuck in being at best a third rate citizen to from the point of view of the neuts out there?

Oh no, nothing of the sort.  A woman is a woman, whether she has medical intervention to confirm her gender or not.

[cindybc]

Hi, Lokaeign, thank you for enlightening me on both perspectives.

For many years before I discovered what transsexualism was, I was still affected by GID but with no reference as to what it was I remained between genders.

After skimming the surface of the meaning of the word transsexual, I began transitioning and going full time.  It seemed my perspectives changed from day to day but the persistent unwavering push of GID and the desire to be a woman was the one that eventually continued to urge me in that direction. Now 8 years later I am quite happy to be who I am. I pray that your journey goes well.

Cindy