Anaya and Randy,
I think we all go through this confusion, and at times I still wonder if really I am just insane. Am I really a girl in a man's body? I think there is enough evidence to support the notion that something either goes wrong invetro, where the mother does not have enough testosterone when the brain is formed to form a male brain, or some other conditioning occurs before we become self aware, that causes us to feel that we are girls in men's/boy's bodies.
Once it has happened, for whatever the reason turns out to be, it seems that there is really no changing it. While there are some documented cases of people with GID(gender identity disorder) being "cured" and not having the need or desire to present as women, the numbers are so small and the methods for achieving this so unreliable, that mental health professionals have really given up on the idea of changing us. Treatment for GID mean, acceptance.
When I was your age, I am now 44, I was in the same predictament as you. I felt the same and was just as confused. I was on my own, working as an electrical apprentice, had no support system from my parents or anyone else. I had to support myself. At that time, I could see no possible way that I could transition. I could not see how I could work and transition. I was living in Houston, then Los Angeles and I just could not imagine how it could have been possible, and I have to tell you, I lived alone, there was no internet yet, and I thought about it a lot. I was not aware of the vast number of people like me, I was not aware of transsexual organizations. I thought I was a freak, and I was alone.
Having said all of that, I only have one real regret. That regret was that I did not come out of the closet back then, face what I had to, and transition my life. It does not get easier as time goes by. It gets harder. I waited and suppressed it. I got married, had children, got a mortgage, payments on cars, lots of time invested in pensions. All these things make it much more difficult to transition later. There were more people counting on me, much more to lose. I ended up running my own Electrical contracting company, became a Master Electrician. I was in business with my brother, I was making a lot of money. From all outward appearances I had a great life. I had four kids, all good kids, smart, never in trouble, not angry at the world.
Only problem was, I hated myself and I hated my life. I thought about killing myself everyday. I had sold out who I was and the person I was to become, so I could make a great life for everyone but me. My now exwife had found out about my crossdressing about a year into our marriage and it was a source of great friction all during our marriage. We ended up growing apart and just going through the motions of being a married couple. I am sure we looked quite happy to the outside world.
Then my world crumbled. The recession started in Wyoming in 1999 when the pacific rim went into recession. By early 2000 my business went under when our phones just stopped ringing and no one was doing any work. I moved back to Los Angeles and went back to work as an electrician. In less than six months I was a General Forman, which is as high as you can go in the Union. I was making over 90K a year plus good benefits. So why did I still hate my life and myself?
In 2001, what had been just leg and shoulder pain before had escalated. I was in severe pain most of the time, and had incredible anxiety, was severely depressed and had not slept more than 2-4 hours a night in over ten years. By the spring of 2002 I felt like my body was giving out on me and was really worried being the only bread winner. I told my then wife that I thought I was only going to be able to work a few more years. But by November 2002, I was in such bad shape I had to stop working. I was finally, after more than 15 years of doctors telling me they could not explain my pain, diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
My exwife went to work and I went on disability. Our distance was now apparent. The day I went on disability, she stopped having sex with me. It would turn out that she had been having an affair since early in 2001. 2003 was a disaster year. I was in really bad shape and had to spend a great deal of time in bed or on the couch laying down. We were forced to move into a small apartment and space was cramped. Me and my exwife did nothing but fight. She accused me of faking my illness and expected me to take care of everything, all housework, shopping, laundry you name it. I tried, but it was impossible. I made my children, several who are older now, help out. This also angered her. By spring 2004 I was pretty certain my exwife was having an affair.
I went online and tried to do some research on transsexualism and found an article by Gianna Israel. She said that the first thing she tells all her clients is to get in touch with their own peer group. That they knew way more about it than her, and they could help much more than she could. So I started searching, did some lurking at some forums, and found a place I felt comfortable.
I had lost my job, I had lost my house, I had lost my pension, I had lost my business, I had lost my health, and it was apparent my marriage was over. All the things I was afraid I would lose if I came out of the closet, I had already lost. My exwife had outted me to my brother and former business partner and I knew it was only a matter of time before everyone knew anyway, so I just came out to everyone I know. By July 2004 I had thrown my exwife out and filed for divorce, with my 13 year old and 17 year old sons wanting to stay with me, even knowing I was a transsexual. In August 2004, I went full time.
I am now back in college getting a degree in Sociology, and live my life totally as a female, although I am not on hormones because I can not afford to see a gender therapist. I figure in time I will go back to work, get the money and get on hormones and SRS if that is where it leads me. I have since met and remarried a woman that only knows me as Elizabeth and not only totally accepts me, but has encouraged me to do things like accept I was too bald, and get a wig, and to wear breastforms, so I would attract less attention. Both of which turned out to be very sage advice.
I feel very happy now, but often wonder how things would have been had I just had the courage to face it earlier. I want to be clear about one thing, when I was your age and decided I was going to repress it, I really honestly beleived I was going to take this secret(that I was really a girl)to the grave with me. Instead I had a very unhappy and unfulfilled life because I always knew inside that I was not doing what I wanted and I was living for everyone but me.
Take care in your decision, only you know the real truth about you. Psychologists do not tell us we are transsexual, we tell them. It is all about what you beleive you are.
This is who I beleive I am.
Love always,
Elizabeth
