So I broke the ice with the wife...

[Eva Marie]

Hey honey - did you pick up the dry cleaning today? And, oh, did I tell you that I discovered that i'm transgendered? 

Well, it didn't exactly go down that way  but what I did show her is the outcome of some of those web tests that show me as androgyne.

We've been married a long time, and I think she thinks it is kind of a joke  and we've talked about it before when I didn't quite understand what was going on. Now I do.

I've got more work to do here.

At least the ice is broken. Very scary times.

[Lutin]

Go you! Good luck with it, though I'm sure it'll all be fine. It's not like you're telling her you're a serial axe murderer or anything...

[Laurry]

Scary times indeed...follow your heart and take things slowly.  She will be going through a lot of fear and uncertainty herself, so give her the time she needs and be understanding.

That's about all I can share, except to let you know that you will be in our thoughts.

In the "for what it's worth" department, I didn't reach the understanding that I was transgendered until after I was divorced.  I recently told my ex-wife...that was scary enough, but much much easier than what you are going through.  She already knew, (my son had told her), but her comment that really said the most to me was "That explains a lot of things."

Best of luck to you.......Laurry 

[Seshatneferw]

It's not like you're telling her you're a serial axe murderer or anything...

Not quite. On the other hand, once she starts taking it seriously she'll expect you to elope with the hunk next door. A major part of your job in explaining things is to make sure she'll understand that you still love her and have no intention of leaving her (provided, of course, that it's true  >), and also to renegotiate what your marriage means to both of you after this.

Good luck.

  Nfr

[Eva Marie]

It's not like you're telling her you're a serial axe murderer or anything...

Not quite. On the other hand, once she starts taking it seriously she'll expect you to elope with the hunk next door. A major part of your job in explaining things is to make sure she'll understand that you still love her and have no intention of leaving her (provided, of course, that it's true  >), and also to renegotiate what your marriage means to both of you after this.

Good luck.

  Nfr

My thoughts exactly. She is the love of my life and I have no intention of messing that up so i'm going *very* slowly. But i'm also taking the advice that I read here to be honest (instead of trying to hide things and getting caught later, thus raising trust issues). I believe that she is the type of person who will understand, and I also suspect that she kind of knew anyway. The main point i'll be making is that I am still the same person that she's been married to for over 20 years, I just have a new understanding of something that i've felt all my life. And I might now want to do some gender play 

[Pica Pica]

I'd imagine she'd instinctively know quite a lot of that side of you. It's just the transition from unspoken and unacted to spoken and acted upon. Good luck to you, I suppose this example is one for the future.

[Seshatneferw]

Also, there's a lot of information on the net about transsexuality, but much less on androgyny. In other words, it's very easy to get the impression that gender issues will inevitably lead to either full transition or suicidal depression. And of course, that impression doesn't exactly contribute towards a happy marriage.

Come to think of it, it might be a good idea to compile some sort of a 'So your SO came out as androgyne. Don't panic.' faq.

  Nfr

[Eva Marie]

Also, there's a lot of information on the net about transsexuality, but much less on androgyny. In other words, it's very easy to get the impression that gender issues will inevitably lead to either full transition or suicidal depression. And of course, that impression doesn't exactly contribute towards a happy marriage.

Come to think of it, it might be a good idea to compile some sort of a 'So your SO came out as androgyne. Don't panic.' faq.

  Nfr

I found this over on emerald's blog and thought it was a very eloquent summation of androgyne for someone that does not know what that means. It might make for a nice FAQ entry. I'm thinking about sending it to my wife after giving her some more time.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,14219.0.html

[Simone Louise]

From my own experience, I'd say this is the time to listen to your wife. As Pica Pica wrote, she probably sensed you have a feminine side; it may have been part of your attraction. Your discussion is as scary, disconcerting, and troublesome to her as to you. She may want more information on transgender and androgynes, or, if she is like my wife, she may be looking for a lot of reassurance. My wife wants to know, through actions even more than words, that I love her, that I find her attractive, and that I want to spend time with her. She wants to know that she can continue to trust me. She, to some extent, views this forum and my new friends via internet as rivals.

I have a tendency to become defensive when she is disturbed by something I do or say (or don't do). That doesn't help. Saying I am wired weirdly, which may help explain me to myself, is not an excuse or explanation to her. Nor do repeated discussions of androgyny interest her. She wants to know this is not and will not become an obsession. She wants to reassurance that our life together and our shared interests remain at center stage.

Of course, I don't know your wife, and only know about you what you have shared here. You will have to feel your way. I still like the guideline UPS teaches about stretching exercises, that I have since applied to androgyny: Stretch until you feel pressure, but stop before you cause pain.

Best wishes,
S

[Just Mandy]

I believe that she is the type of person who will understand, and I also suspect that she kind of knew anyway. The main point i'll be making is that I am still the same person that she's been married to for over 20 years, I just have a new understanding of something that i've felt all my life.

I think the key in my case and maybe others is your SO is attracted to you as you are. Your wife was
attracted to, and fell in love with, the person you are. Just because your willing to admit and maybe embrace
this new you does not change the person inside... the one your wife fell in love with.

And I'd be very surprised if someone can live with you for 20 years through all sorts of things that
life throws at you and not know or at least say "A lot of things make sense now".

Amanda

[Eva Marie]

From my own experience, I'd say this is the time to listen to your wife. As Pica Pica wrote, she probably sensed you have a feminine side; it may have been part of your attraction. Your discussion is as scary, disconcerting, and troublesome to her as to you. She may want more information on transgender and androgynes, or, if she is like my wife, she may be looking for a lot of reassurance. My wife wants to know, through actions even more than words, that I love her, that I find her attractive, and that I want to spend time with her. She wants to know that she can continue to trust me. She, to some extent, views this forum and my new friends via internet as rivals.

I have a tendency to become defensive when she is disturbed by something I do or say (or don't do). That doesn't help. Saying I am wired weirdly, which may help explain me to myself, is not an excuse or explanation to her. Nor do repeated discussions of androgyny interest her. She wants to know this is not and will not become an obsession. She wants to reassurance that our life together and our shared interests remain at center stage.

Of course, I don't know your wife, and only know about you what you have shared here. You will have to feel your way. I still like the guideline UPS teaches about stretching exercises, that I have since applied to androgyny: Stretch until you feel pressure, but stop before you cause pain.

Best wishes,
S

Well spoken, thank you, I agree. I will certainly keep all of this in mind 

Posted on: April 18, 2008, 09:27:07 PM

I believe that she is the type of person who will understand, and I also suspect that she kind of knew anyway. The main point i'll be making is that I am still the same person that she's been married to for over 20 years, I just have a new understanding of something that i've felt all my life.

I think the key in my case and maybe others is your SO is attracted to you as you are. Your wife was
attracted to, and fell in love with, the person you are. Just because your willing to admit and maybe embrace
this new you does not change the person inside... the one your wife fell in love with.

And I'd be very surprised if someone can live with you for 20 years through all sorts of things that
life throws at you and not know or at least say "A lot of things make sense now".

Amanda

I agree. We still need to have a chat about all of this and I'm just going to wait now until she is ready. I'm really surprised that my revelation simply has not caused any apparent waves whatsoever with her. I'd say that "she knew" probably before I did, and I know that the person I am was the attraction. I feel very lucky right now 

[Just Mandy]

I feel very lucky right now

You should... a suppotive wife is a large part of the battle. Good luck

Amanda

[Shana A]

I still like the guideline UPS teaches about stretching exercises, that I have since applied to androgyny: Stretch until you feel pressure, but stop before you cause pain.

Best wishes,
S

Great analogy Simone!

Z

[RebeccaFog]

Go you! Good luck with it, though I'm sure it'll all be fine. It's not like you're telling her you're a serial axe murderer or anything...

what kind of psychotic would murder axes?     


Posted on: April 18, 2008, 11:38:00 PM

Come to think of it, it might be a good idea to compile some sort of a 'So your SO came out as androgyne. Don't panic.' faq.

  Nfr

Ironically, I'm panicked by that suggestion.

Posted on: April 18, 2008, 11:41:46 PM    This is something to consider, though I don't know if it applies or is practical - You are not changing, you are only changing your perception of yourself.

    Everybody grows.  Growth is not something to fear.  Change is natural.  Every now and then, it is necessary and those who fight change can be wounded by it.

   
    I'm sure it will go well.  Just allow her to talk when she wants to.  when my gf starts talking, I shut up and wait several hours until she's done.  Then she feels good.  and I look like a hero.

    The others gave you really good advice and so I have left you with platitudes and jokes.       Blame them for not really leaving anything for me.   

[betapleatedsheet]

Well, I  think you should try to make it clear that you are not a different person, just that you're starting to see yourself and your gender in a more accurate light that feels more comfortable to you

[Wing Walker]

It's not like you're telling her you're a serial axe murderer or anything...

Not quite. On the other hand, once she starts taking it seriously she'll expect you to elope with the hunk next door. A major part of your job in explaining things is to make sure she'll understand that you still love her and have no intention of leaving her (provided, of course, that it's true  >), and also to renegotiate what your marriage means to both of you after this.

Good luck.

  Nfr

My thoughts exactly. She is the love of my life and I have no intention of messing that up so i'm going *very* slowly. But i'm also taking the advice that I read here to be honest (instead of trying to hide things and getting caught later, thus raising trust issues). I believe that she is the type of person who will understand, and I also suspect that she kind of knew anyway. The main point i'll be making is that I am still the same person that she's been married to for over 20 years, I just have a new understanding of something that i've felt all my life. And I might now want to do some gender play 

Please don't be surprised to find out that your wife will notice that you are not the same person you always were.  We would like to think that but it just isn't so.  Once you have spoken your words you have called notice to your difference.

I hope for you that all goes as well as you say and that I am entirely wrong but I've been there before.

Wing Walker

[Eva Marie]

We were talking tonight outside on the back porch since it is a nice night and she flat out asked me if I wanted to dress like a woman. I don't yet know the answer to this myself and the question kind of took me by surprise, but I said "it might be interesting" which is the truth. She really didn't respond in any kind of weird way or seem offended.

Inch by inch......

[RebeccaFog]

You probably won't know until you try it.

[tekla]

I mean it just might be me, matter of fact I know it is - but the inch by inch, everyday a little bit more seems like the death of a thousand cuts.  Every day is something new, everyday another revelation.  I would think it gets old fast.  Better - I think - to tell it all, and get it out where it can be dealt with, assuming you know what it is.

[Eva Marie]

I mean it just might be me, matter of fact I know it is - but the inch by inch, everyday a little bit more seems like the death of a thousand cuts.  Every day is something new, everyday another revelation.  I would think it gets old fast.  Better - I think - to tell it all, and get it out where it can be dealt with, assuming you know what it is.

My gut feel is that i've probably said about as much as I should right now. Besides, i'm not even for sure myself exactly where I want this go, so until I figure that out I guess there really isn't too much more for us to discuss right now (I just figured out the androgyne thing a couple of months ago so this is all new for me). Hopefully when there are some things to discuss at least it won't be a total surprise to her with us already having done some talking.

Posted on: April 20, 2008, 03:56:05 PMWell, so much for saying as much as I should. We had a rather frank exchange tonight where I admitted I don't really know where i'm headed with this, and she was asking me if I wanted to live as a female (I don't think so)  .

Nothing i've said or that we have discussed has made her unsteady in any way. I am in disbelief.

I am married to a very cool woman