MTF -> Married -> Came out -> DIVORCED... what would you have done different?

[Just Mandy]

OK... so I was hit with a wave of doubt that somehow I will lose the love of my life as I move
forward through this. Nothing happened with US but I've been reading so many stories of others
here that it has me scared. Wing Walker posted this in another topic:

Please don't be surprised to find out that your wife will notice that you are not the same person you always were.  We would like to think that but it just isn't so.  Once you have spoken your words you have called notice to your difference. Wing Walker

Is there anything anyone could have done different or does anyone have any advise to offer?

Is there anyone here that has made it through transition and is still married and could offer insight on what worked?

Amanda

[Keira]

I don't think the problem is your wife is her not being the same
person as before, you are.

Its her being afraid that you won't be the person she
put her future in. There's also the view of herself,
and others outside see her.

Its a major identity and existential crisis for her,
its very easy to be self-centered and not
realize this. If she truly loves you, she
becomes seriously conflicted regardless
if you change or not.

She has to mourn all those dreams.

As for staying, it depends how the current relationship,
how she sees herself and her future.

[MeghanAndrews]

Amanda,
I know I've read many posts in here about people sticking by their spouse's side through transition. I can't report from experience, we amicably split right at the start of transition. I did a lot of soul-searching and so did she. I would advise you both to think about what keeps you legally married (like the "why" behind the marriage, the legal part), what changes through transition for each of you, what kind of thoughts you both have on intimacy, things like that. Obviously there are a million more questions, but I will tell you that it is possible for two people to split up and be incredibly good friends and take their relationship to a completely different level.

I know that isn't where you sound like you are headed, but just ask many questions of yourself and encourage her to do the same. You are both in this together. Most gender therapists do couples counseling also, that might not be a bad idea or even that plus some relationship counseling with a specialist in marriage counseling. I sincerely hope you both find happiness and get to a place where you are BOTH comfortable and in a place to find happiness in whatever way you need to Meghan

[Kate]

Your situation may of course be different, but...

- I tried the "same person, different body" line. My wife disagrees. And ya know, it's not for ME to make that determination for her. I AM different... and we both need to see how our relationship adapts to that

- One day at a time. Neither of you should assume that you "know" how this will turn out, or how your feelings will or won't change. Few of this have done this before, so we're heading into completely unknown territory here

- Transitioning can rip away any sense of stability or control from a spouse, so keep her involved in the process wherever possible. You gotta do what you gotta do, but allow her whatever input you can. I get a lot of flack from people who think I should make more decisions independent of my wife's concerns, but I disagree. If you cut her off, and she feels like you're "doing this to her," instead of "doing this with her," well that's not good

- Be as open an honest as possible. Revealing this, or the decision to transition, tends to cause huge trust issues. "If you hid this, if you could DO this, what else is lurking in there you haven't told me?"

~Kate~

[Lisbeth]

Is there anything anyone could have done different or does anyone have any advise to offer?

Ya, there's something I would have done different.  I would not have wasted all those years trying to dodge the bullet.  In the end my attempts to save my marriage failed.  I should have just gone ahead when I first knew it was what I wanted.