I havent been here for some months, so thought I'd pop by and give an update.
I started seeing a Psycho-Sexual Counsellor in Feb. She was offered to me as a short term solution to help me get over my doubt, and help me decide if I was TG or not. She certainly made me think about new aspects too all of this and the counselling seemed to be going ok.
At the end of the third visit she told me she thought I was TG, and we chatted about the implications of this and what avenues where open for me next.
However, at the end of my fourth and final visit, she turned around and said I wasn't TG, and when I challenged her on her previous diagnosis she said I must have misheard her. If I misheard her, why did we have the discussion afterwards?
She also went on to say that I hadn't said often or forcefully enough that I wanted to be female. This left me totally amazed, as I had in every visit read out excerpts from my diary where I stated such quite clearly. I'd also repeated in two of my visits to her the statement that I have been telling people all along, that if a fairy was to appear in my room right now and offer to make me totally female or totally male, I would be yelling FEMALE before she'd even finished what she was saying! What could be more positive than that!
So at the end of my run of visits with this counsellor I felt even more confused than when I started. It's almost like she had gone back on a lot of what she had said, and not heard a lot things I had said. Part of me wonders that with the National Health Service here short of cash, if she changed her mind (or was told to change her mind) for budgetary reasons.
So what else has been happening with me.
Well every passing day I feel more comfortable with who and what I am. I seem now to be able to draw power from my female side and use it to be more confident, happy and outgoing in my pseudo male life. I still dont go out an awful lot, but am going out more than I used to, am hardly ever depressed and tend to be quite happy.
However, I do have this feeling that I want more!
Just before my second visit to the aforementioned Psycho-Sexual Counsellor I embarked on a self-prescribed 8 week hormone trial, after I did a lot of reading and research. My GP is keeping an eye on me, and it's likely that this speeded up my first visit to the Psycho-Sexual Counsellor, as I had the pills in my possession for over a month before I started taking them, and my GP knew about them while they were still in transit.
This trial is based on a process that a very well known, but now retired, GIC here in the UK used to practise. He would prescribe hormones to M2F's on their first visit to him, as he felt that a male who was not transgendered would not feel comfortable with the changes within themself and the drop off of their libido.
Every TG I spoke to about this trial of mine warned me about the emotional upheaval.
After three weeks I wasn't feeling any emotional stuff at all, in fact my mood swings had settled and I seemed a lot happier and comfortable with myself. However, much to my amazement I started showing signs of breast development. Due to all my research I most certainly wasn't expecting this to occur until at least 3 months+ (and I wasnt taking the trial that far). Therefore I put this down to slack skin as I had been watching my weight, losing 6lbs in those three weeks from just healthy eating and some excercise.
However two weeks later (after having lost another 4lbs) I noted definate sensitivity of the breast area, and at times my nipples were rock hard and painful to the touch. I had a little mishap around this time, when a heavy door closed on me, hitting me in the chest *OUCH!* I knew then something was up.
I am only 5'7" and 140lbs. In 2000, towards the end of my marriage, I was 182lbs and showed no signs of 'men-teets'. Moreover, my mum and both my sis's are VERY large chested, My mum is 5'6" and just under 140lbs and is a UK D cup, my little sister in 5'7" 132lbs and UK DD. My other sister is very overweight so cant really be used as a guide (but does have an enormous chest). I had read that in rare cases TS's can go up to one cup size below the average for the women in their family. Therefore I can only conclude that this IS breast development
My libido has dropped right off, with no more 'morning glories', and I feel really quite happy and comfortable about this, I feel I have been set free from an animal.
One of my sisters claims to have noted a difference in my face, but I had plucked my eyebrows a bit narrower a few days beforehand, so put it down to that.
Hair growth speeded up quite noticeable over my body after three weeks, but by week five had slowed back down again.
My body is starting to look really good. Parents are away this weekend so I have been living en-femme. I had skimpy top on today and noted how slim my wasit looked, and that I have some hips (an illusion caused by the weight loss). I have been monitoring my measurements in certain areas, and apart from chest and waist there hasn't been any difference.
My major problem is my face!
It looks really masculine, even when I make myself up (which I will admit hasnt been often). Four wet shaves with a gillette turbo mach 3 with a new blade and I still have beard shadow
My nose is very male looking, long and thin, my face is now too gaunt (lol cant win eh?), I have a strong chin and jawline. Made up I just look like some sad old goth rocker
Passing for me is everything, as I have written before, if I can't pass reasonably (and I'm trying to be realistic in my expectations) then it's going to be harder for me with my phobias to move forward.
Of course the other option is just to slide slowly into androgeny, stay on the hormones, and maybe further down the line I wont care so much about passing.
Having said all this... I still feel a little confused... I still feel some doubt... but I am sure with time I will get the answers I seek.
Anyway, sorry for the long spam.
