Some Issues...

[Night Pixie]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. I thought I would share some of my experiences, thoughts, and concerns with some of you. I have been searching for an outlet I think or perhaps I'm looking for some validation. I'm not sure what I'm seeking by posting here to be honest, however I think it's something that might be healthy for me. So I'm going share a bit about myself and what I've been going through recently. I consider myself a MtF transsexual. I didn't always consider myself as such. I'm not sure how "typical" my childhood experiences were for someone who has this sort of gender issue. This might be long, so suffer through it with me please. 

In my early childhood I rarely thought of myself as girl, however I did have many moments of self-doubt and question about my gender. I recall a set of specific memories at about the age of 4 or 5, just before I started kindergarten, in which I recall looking at my genitals and wondering what was "wrong" with them. I considered all sorts of childish fantasies and questions, like "Maybe the hospital made a mistake and I was really a girl." or "I wonder if everyone looks like me down there.". The strange thing is that these moments didn't haunt me all the time or persist as modern psychology seems to suggest it does in cases of Gender Identity Disorder. These moments of question would come and go. And they seemed to occur really only when I was forced to look at myself, when I was nude (in the bath or changing clothes) or when my gender was directly mentioned. The rest of the time, I was like any other child. Well, in the sense that I wasn't disturbed by it. I do also recall being mistaken for a little girl a few times later on in my childhood. Around 5th grade I was still slim then and I had very long blonde hair. I was a bit androgynous and people sometimes mistook my gender. I remember kind of feeling good when that happened. But again, I didn't concern myself too much with my gender, it wasn't an issue until later in life.

I was always a quiet child however, in great contrast to my older brother in sister according to my mother. I would enjoy listening to adults talk as much as I would like playing and I was greatly introverted and shy. In fact, I always have been. I've always had a mixture of friends of both genders. My earliest friends were mostly girls but I managed to get along with most other children my age. I was and have always been socially insecure but it wasn't as pronounced back then. I suppose my concern is that it seems most psychological profiles, including the DSM-IV seem to suggest that people with Gender Identity Disorder are always consumed with their gender. In my case it wasn't until puberty that it became a real driving force in my life, despite the early questions of it.

At puberty everything changed though. I remember hating the change when the males and females stopped being the the same social circles. I remember that it seemed sudden and odd to me. As though it happened over one summer break from school, likely it did I guess.
I was confused. I started feeling envy for the girls my age. A trait which only grew worse as I got older. In my later teens my envy would turn to a mild disgust or hatred for them. I think I resented that my male friends liked them and didn't see me the same way. And of course that the girls could be so expressive emotionally and in some cases sexually and I could not. I felt alone and isolated. I just "pretended" to be part of the male groups I was with. I even faked my attraction to girls, because when I didn't join in our masculine discussions I was singled out. It made me very uncomfortable. I should take a moment to explain my sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation is another confusing issue for me as it relates to my Gender Identity Disorder. The DSM-IV and some psychological sources seem to suggest that the two are related, but other sources like the John Hopkins BSTc brain research seems to suggest that it is not at all. I'm not sure who to believe honestly as I can only vouch for my own feelings. I consider myself bi-sexual. I am attracted to girls and boys. Although, my considerations are limited by my gender. I have so far been very uncomfortable considering myself in or pursuing any sexual relationship with either gender as a male. I felt that most heterosexual girls want me to too masculine, I hate that role. It always makes me feel insecure. The same goes for homosexual relationships, I don't enjoy it in the context of being male. I have experimented with both in short term relationships. Neither seems to allow me to be sexually expressive or satisfied. When I think of myself as a female. I only am really interested in other girls for sex, never for a long term relationship. I think of males in both contexts, as partners and lovers. I'm not sure where that fits in to my gender issues or if anyone else feels similar?

Being unable to feel like I could sexually or emotionally express myself, I have really pursued intellect as my only escape. In high school I was quite the "geek". I was introverted, had a small circle of close friends (some male, some female) which remained mostly constant, and I was a straight A student. Accord to my IQ test I am at a genius level (for what little that's worth, I don't put much faith in linear or even semi-linear estimates of people's intelligence). I have always had a great respect for science. But I never feel like I am complete. I feel as though I'm being held back from my own character growth. I feel like my intellect, which has been my only source of self-esteem, is just an overcompensation for my lack of emotional and sexual maturity. And I think I've always known the cause.

I think from years following the onset of puberty I have known what my problem is. I just was so afraid of the social consequences that I didn't want it to be the case. My attitude has changed though, but my fears haven't.

I suppose all of this leads me to my current condition. I am 22 years old as of this past April. And I feel like I have wasted my youth. I had something of a "mental breakdown" (I know it's an archaic term, I just don't have a better one) about 9 weeks ago and the result was my exit from college. After this term I lost my carried 3.5 GPA and my scholarship. To be honest though, I don't even care. I don't feel guilty. I feel pleased even, in some ways. I am out my daze. During that "breakdown" I seriously attempted suicide. I came very close to death a few times. Needless to say it didn't work. I am now back with my very concerned parents, and I'm not longer living under an illusion as to what my problem is.

Since my return home, I have "come out" to my mother as transgendered. It literally took a week solid of nightly conversation for her to understand completely. Not just what the condition is but how it was concealed in my life. The hardest thing for her to accept was that I really wanted to be a girl. She went through stages, first she thought I was talking about some kind of sexual fetish (turns out she knew about some of my past cross-dressing but considered it a "phase"). Then she understood I had a deep psychological issue but still was in denial of what I wanted to do about it. But she finally came around, I have to tell her flat out my true feelings. If I can't be a girl, I don't want to live. That's how I feel.

I know "transition or death" isn't how all of us feel, but, god, I do. I don't want to be this person anymore. I feel like a song lyric "a house full of locked doors, with nothing inside". I have spent my whole life protecting myself, but the ironic part is that I denied myself the chance to transition when I had the best odds of passing. And I do care a great deal about passing. I'm terrified that I won't. I'm not sure I want to live if I don't pass. And to be frank, and I don't mean to be insulting to anyone, but I feel like 22 is almost too late. I feel like I missed my opportunity. I have this feeling that just waiting those few years has given up my chance at being happy. I feel regret and anger towards my self.

My father and the rest of my family are still in the dark. I lost contact with my friends when I left school and I don't plan on telling many of them. I live in Tennessee and this state doesn't make it easy. My area has little to no transgender support groups, doctors, or therapists. My state even punishes us for being born here, as I can never change my birth certificate's gender because I was unlucky enough to be born here rather than a few hundred miles in any other direction.

I'm sorry if I seem hateful, I feel a little like that to be honest. I feel very alone here as well. I guess what I'm asking for is anything that anyone can offer. Be it advice, support, or validation of some kind.

I hope this wasn't too long or rambling. Thank you for reading it everyone.

[offthesidewalk]

*lots of huggles*
it's what i have to offer and i always have more. hope you feel at least a little better.
and welcome too.
*smiles*

[Just Mandy]

Hello Ms Pixie

I'm terrified that I won't. I'm not sure I want to live if I don't pass. And to be frank, and I don't mean to be insulting to anyone, but I feel like 22 is almost too late. I feel like I missed my opportunity. I have this feeling that just waiting those few years has given up my chance at being happy.

I've learned many things here the last few months. Here are two

Rule #1 Everyone passes better than they think they will
Rule #2 It's never too late.

I'm sure others will respond but a LOT of us (myself included) think 40 something was too late... and apparently it's not. And
neither is 50 or 60 or 70. What ever time you have left... even if it's a day... is better lived in your proper gender.

HRT will work magic on you at 22... and you will be laughing at yourself for thinking it would not.

I feel regret and anger towards my self.

Yea... me too.... and I did not start until after 40. You are going to be fine... more than fine really. Good luck sweetie

Amanda

[Lutin]

Hi,

As Eloise said, "*lots of huggles*"!

And there is one more rule to add to Amanda's two (which are both very true): you're really not alone.

When I first posted about my issues (which don't seem that bad, in retrospect), I thought I was the only person like that, and it came as a great relief to find that other people feel the same way. So yes, you're not alone here.

I don't know much (for "much" read "anything") about transitioning, but I can identify with some of what you said about general transgender issues. When I was young (I'm 21 now), I never played with dolls, but did jigsaw puzzles, built Lego towers, and took apart radios. At kindy, while the other little girls were playing princesses, I played fighter aircraft with the boys. (We must have looked really weird, running around with our arms out like a plane's wings, but we had fun!).

You also mentioned feeling good when people mistook your gender; a month or so ago, my Mum accidentally called me "he" instead of "she".

Anyhoo, would have been longer, sorry, but I have to take my little brother to school. But yes, I understand a lot of what you said, and please don't feel isolated or anything, we're all here (albeit on the Internet) if you need us.

Keep smiling,

Lutin

[Moira Midnigh]

Ahrm. Let's see, now...

I felt like I was reading the story of my life, there. A lot of what you write, I can not only relate to, I have been in pretty much the excact same situation. When I first realised that GID was what it was, I thought it was too late already. I was 18 then, and I felt like my youth had been wasted. I would never be a real girl because...I missed the most important years of that. I hate that it has to be like that, but I doubt there are many children who are able to speak their true feelings, who know excactly what it is, before puberty. There are some, of course, and I truly feel happy that they can avoid some of the issues we face.

It is -not- too late.

I am still disgusted by my body. I hate it. I hate the fact that I've let my beard grow for a week now, and I think it makes me look kinda good...for a boy. I don't want that. It goes tomorrow.

However, I can sometimes catch a glimpse of a girl in my mirror, and that leaves me happy for the rest of the day. I think she's in there.

Due to my hair-loss, I don't look very female. The haircut really does a lot towards that, I think. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have bangs without wearing a wig. We'll see what HRT can do there. I'm taking Proscar to halt the process of my receeding hairline, and it works, but it's not doing more than simply stalling.

I've never been treated as a girl. Only in online games, which I frequent as a result of that. I need every bit of validation, every victory to keep me going on.

I mean...yeah...

You're definitely not alone. I know how you feel.

Back on the passing-thing...

As Amanda says (wise lady, btw) it is -never- too late. Just look around the boards for the pictures, speaking of which, I miss your old pic Amanda!

Hang in there, and don't be scared to talk to us. We're all in this together.


~Moi

[Just Mandy]

And there is one more rule to add to Amanda's two (which are both very true): you're really not alone.

Yes... so true... you will read things here and say "hey... thats what happened to me too". And by reading about
other people that have had the same experiences you will begin to accept yourself and realize you have a
full life ahead of you.

You talked about a "mental breakdown". I've felt like I've had that about three times in my life, all related to GID, all
becuase I was totally denying who I was. Each time I've picked up the peice and vowed to change my life so
I was happy. I've said here before that I did not think I realized it was GID, but the more I think about it I realize I
did know it was GID, I was just not willing or able to admit that at the time. So I denied.

And here you are at 22 and you are willing to admit to yourself you are TS.... so much further along in self
acceptance than many. Certainly further along that I was. Too late? No. Chase your dreams, it's not too late sweetie... it
never is. I promise you... hormones will work. I was as male looking as you can imagine and after three months on HRT
I felt comfortable enough to venture out into the world. I KNOW I did not pass 100%... I was maybe 75%... whatever
that means. But it did not matter. I was being me. Something that I had denied myself for a long time. The truth is...
HRT is not about how you look... it's about how it makes you feel. It's the mental changes that are so profound and what
I cherish the most.

As Amanda says (wise lady, btw) it is -never- too late. Just look around the boards for the pictures, speaking of which, I miss your old pic Amanda!

Thank you Moi... but I have a lot of great (and wiser) role models here. I have to admit the eyes only are getting a little freaky LOL... maybe it's time to change it again.

Amanda

[Night Pixie]

Thank you all for the responses and the support. I really need all I can get right now. I'm slowly learning the importance of us all sticking together as a community, providing support and sticking up for each other. We still have so much to overcome before we can gain any public acceptance and understanding. Our solidarity is essential in my opinion. We need to able to trust in our fellow sisters and brothers when it counts, personally and politically.

I know I have it better than some of us have in the past, that I can be considered lucky to begin transition at the relatively early age of 22. I can respect that point of view in some regard. I just can't help, like most us, to feel robbed of my youth. I spent most of without the ability to ever feel comfortable with myself and wasted my better years of it existing as an aloof introvert with little to no ability to express myself socially, emotionally, or sexually. I don't really think I'll ever get over it. I'm not sure I can.

I just have to look forward. But I don't seem much light there either. Passing is very important to me, I don't care about the difference between being plain or drop-dead gorgeous. I just want to close that gap between obliviously male to presumed female. I'm sure everyone here can understand what I mean.

I have many good traits I think, very small hands with slender fingers, similar feet and toes, very little body hair, naturally curly hair, hardly noticeable adam's apple, and an acceptable height of around 5'9' ish.  But I have so many obstructions to my ability to pass, however, and what bothers me most is many of the major ones didn't exist just a few years ago. I watched them slowly creep in. At 18 I could hardly grow a beard, no matter how hard I tried. It took weeks to develop. Now I grow a five o'clock shadow by the end of the day even if I shaved that morning. Just four little years and now I'll have to deal with facial hair for the rest of my life. My face, which just a couple of years ago was far more androgynous, now has a huge brow ridge and thick jawline. The brow ridge bothers me most, I've never seen a GG with one. At least not one like what I have. In fact my face makes me ill even looking at it. I'm praying that someday soon I can afford FFS (fat chance on the soon part) and that it will be able to help me. Well, at least my mother thinks I can look female, she says I look a bit like Kelly Osbourne when all dressed up. I'm not sure if I should consider that a complement or not. 

I'd post a picture of my face, but I'm not sure this is the time or the thread for it.

I'm on HRT now as well and not in the safe way. I'm self-medicating with over the 'net options. I'm not sure how this community regards that. And I don't plan on going it alone for long, I'm looking for a therapist and TG friendly doctor here to get on the legitimate side of things. I just couldn't wait any longer to start HRT and I can't wait around. Time is fighting me without HRT, but on it I can calm down and take it slow. I'll be up front with my doctor when I can find one, so I can be sure to stay on the right dosage. In the mean time I'm playing it safe and taking the lowest end of recommended doses. I did some homework at least.

Anyway, I've babbled on enough. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm not sure it will all be okay but at the least it's good to know I have friends.  And if anyone else needs my help and support, I'm there for them as well. It's the most important thing we can do for each other.

[Scarlet]

*I do also recall being mistaken for a little girl a few times later on in my childhood. Around 5th grade I was still slim then and I had very long blonde hair. I was a bit androgynous and people sometimes mistook my gender. I remember kind of feeling good when that happened.

I had that at the age of 14-17 until i cut of my long hair everybody loved >.>   had to do it for a job,
but dont worry its growing back now  i loved working at the super market when costumers always came to me...Miss can i ask u something...until i standed up and sayed ofcourse...they heard my Stopid male voice    and sayed : oowh sorry,,,ofcourse i was always like :No problem what can i help u with ?

*I was confused. I started feeling envy for the girls my age. A trait which only grew worse as I got older. In my later teens my envy would turn to a mild disgust or hatred for them. I think I resented that my male friends liked them and didn't see me the same way. And of course that the girls could be so expressive emotionally and in some cases sexually and I could not.

im having lots of troubles with that the past 3 years from age 17-19 and stil (im 19 years old now)
I am confused at the moment and jealous of other girls that they where born like that and i aint..
i do have some Male friends but there mostly Gay or Bi or straight but not macho kinda typs.
i stil feel related to that part u writen al tho its not exactly the same as me..




**I have so far been very uncomfortable considering myself in or pursuing any sexual relationship with either gender as a male. I felt that most heterosexual girls want me to too masculine, I hate that role. It always makes me feel insecure. The same goes for homosexual relationships, I don't enjoy it in the context of being male. I have experimented with both in short term relationships. Neither seems to allow me to be sexually expressive or satisfied. When I think of myself as a female. I only am really interested in other girls for sex, never for a long term relationship. I think of males in both contexts, as partners and lovers. I'm not sure where that fits in to my gender issues or if anyone else feels similar?

My advice for you (as i stil live in my male body as we speek) Just act like u want...if u dont like to act masculine then dont...i hate people acting masculine even girls can act like that ..for you intrest ? just think of yourself what sex u feel sexualy actractive too the male or female body trust me there are always people who will like you

as for myself I feel atractive to both genders...as i realy want to feel and look like a female ..i only care if i can love that person and i dont care what there gender is...
Just some extra info I have a girlfriend atm  we are together for 1 year now,, She knows im a Girl from the inside and she cant wait for me to look like 1 on the outside she doesnt care about gender either just the person inside so we both feel the same way 

*I suppose all of this leads me to my current condition. I am 22 years old as of this past April. And I feel like I have wasted my youth. I had something of a "mental breakdown" (I know it's an archaic term, I just don't have a better one) about 9 weeks ago and the result was my exit from college.

Like my previous quote i sayed im 19 years old thats 3 years younger then you
i Also Feel like im to late to become *perfect* statisfied at a female...i know nobody is perfect but in my eyes ..if your happy withyourself you are perfect 


*I am out my daze. During that "breakdown" I seriously attempted suicide. I came very close to death a few times. Needless to say it didn't work.

About 6 months ago had the same...i have the feeling im kinda going back so im trying to contact any people of transgender centrum to start make a apoint ment (wich i to shy to pick up the phone and call)
I kind felt like cutting myself sinds i hate my body so much..starting with wrists then following to other places where nobody can see it.....it felt good statifiding for a while until it was getting out of controll,,

I was about to make a step to kill myself after a while but that idea went of wen i met my Stil current Girlfriend...
it felt so great to have somebody Who fully understands my problems...stil loves me and even wants to be in a relationship after knowing what my problems are....(i always had the feeling if i told anybody they would leave me (friends/familie/etc)

*Since my return home, I have "come out" to my mother as transgendered. It literally took a week solid of nightly conversation for her to understand completely.

havent told my parrents jet all  have to say on this


*I'm sorry if I seem hateful, I feel a little like that to be honest. I feel very alone here as well. I guess what I'm asking for is anything that anyone can offer. Be it advice, support, or validation of some kind.

Not at all i love ur post...im just new on this forums i just registed and making my first post to a reply to yours

i feel very related to your problem so ..and i dont mind long posts

Also saying HI  im gonna make a introduce topic somewhere here aswell

[Janet_Girl]

Sweet Young Night Pixie,

22 is not too late.  I thought 30 was too late and when back to being 'him'.  Now I'm in my 50s and starting again.  So much time was wasted being someone is was not.

Starting at your age will give you a long life as a woman and one today you will pass on all the wisdom you gained along the way.

Listen to the ladies here and take their advise.

Above all just enjoy the ride.  It can be a hoot.

,
Janet

[Elwood]

HRT will work magic on you at 22... and you will be laughing at yourself for thinking it would not.

Oh, that is wonderful. I am 18, and I felt like if I didn't start HRT right away, I wouldn't benefit from it. HRT early for FtMs can help them grow taller and affect their bone structure some. I want HRT as soon as I can but it may be a few years...